A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 5
Approximately 4800 words of brilliance that kicked off 2011.
Pleasant trees anyone?
| January 1 | @BECKintl | Turns out champagne isn’t that bad drink. Happy New York! |
| January 1 | @CoffeeHooker | In conclusion to stop me having the cunting cat legally put down & stuffed & added as a permanent fixture to the shelf, I’m going for a walk |
| January 1 | @neillockwood | Just turned over a new leaf, the underside is exactly the same as the old leaf so I turned it back over and quietly walked away. |
| January 1 | @fowget | As you recover from your NYE hangover you can read my themed blog update from yesterday http://fowget.wordpress.com/ |
| January 1 | @EdTackas | For once on New Years Day I am not hanging out my arse whispering ‘Lord, please don’t hurt me now’ |
| January 1 | @_iamjules | @iamchads Happy New Year btw Chadders. I wanted to say thanks to you too. For last year. I’ve only been using (cont) http://tl.gd/7rp9ha |
| January 1 | @Mr_Neurosceptic | Happy new year you bunch of umbilicals, here we are in 2011. Let’s hope this year doesn’t turn out to be a pile of old forklifts. |
| January 1 | @_iamjules | @iamchads Actually Chadders I’ve been thinking about this. You make a lot of newbies feel welcome, you always (cont) http://tl.gd/7rpdtl |
| January 1 | @DarkBeige | @helencairns no, strange atmosphere. Bride had no friends, and groom’s friends all secretly dislike her. We had to pay £20 a head for booze |
| January 1 | @_iamjules | Hello.I thought you’d like to see what I’m doing to celebrate New Year.U want me doncha?Well tough! I’m spoken for http://yfrog.com/h3idtgyj |
| January 1 | @TruthSandwich | I’ve sent down some grappa to investigate why that red wine is making me feel worse. The public demands answers. |
| January 1 | @TruthSandwich | The oversized ladies clothes sale was a complete circus. I’ve never seen so many big tops. |
| January 2 | @neillockwood | This is what my car sounds like. http://bit.ly/eC9Q5T |
| January 2 | @GrahamTCousins | I didn’t make any new years resolutions this year. *finishes bacon sandwich* *sparks up a tab* *locates corkscrew* |
| January 2 | @Harrythebanker | Lady nurse was just round to visit pregnant wife. Surprisingly she was driving a Porsche! I assume she’s going through a ‘mid-wife crisis’. |
| January 2 | @mrS0CK | Ham, egg and chips. Win for 2011! All locally sourced too. Tesco, 2.5 miles away. Sustainable as well, they’ve got LOADS. |
| January 2 | @TruthSandwich | I see bird flu is in the headlines again. I’m not bothered, I’m a bloke. |
| January 2 | @emvetica | They say behind every fat girl is a more beautiful one. It would be nice if the fat one got out of the way so we could see her though. |
| January 2 | @lucyinglis | Can you IMAGINE going on holiday with Jamie Redknapp? You’d get better chat out of your suitcase waiting to check in. |
| January 2 | @stetienness | @iamchads I’ve shaved pigs. I’m not right since neither. |
| January 2 | @brainpicker | For fellow language geeks, 10 noteworthy language stories from 2010 http://is.gd/jYA7G |
| January 2 | @BECKintl | I counted the stuff I only need in the bathroom. Turns out the idea of The 100 Thing Challenge is shite. http://cl.ly/3qBu |
| January 2 | @decath10n | @BECKintl me=my obviously. I can’t be both Rastafarian and consumerist. |
| January 2 | @fowget | @therealpostie @iamchads She said “let’s go to the bargain corner it’s great”. We got there and there was just dog shit & a broken Barbie |
| January 2 | @grazingbison | I am a nonja |
| January 2 | @grazingbison | Here is a ninja’s twitter username – @ |
| January 3 | @TheMightierEvo | Lifes true love moments #38. Pouring endless buckets of water down the bog to dislodge the wife’s 2×4 staring straight back at you. |
| January 3 | @EastressStar | @iamchads Who knows with me, eh, Chads?WHOOO KNOWS?!? I’ve been called a ‘very intelligent, knowledgable fucking idiot’ before… *shrugs* |
| January 3 | @princesspip | Decorations packed neatly into a box ready for next year, by that i mean thrown in a tangled/damaged mess into a box. Fucking things. |
| January 3 | @TheCharmQuark | “When he yawns, it sounds like Liam Neeson chasing a load of hens around a barrel. And he doesn’t have any eyebrows. Except on Saturdays.” |
| January 3 | @lucyinglis | Improvised a spicy lentil and garlic soup for lunch to combat Mr I’s cold. He has named it ‘Exit Strategy’. Charming. |
| January 3 | @_iamjules | @shinytuppence Marion Cotillard is in my top 3 for lemon purposes |
| January 3 | @LittleHarmonica | The way to a woman’s heart is through laughter…unless you’re in hurry, in which case use the back door. |
| January 4 | @sharonGOONer | @_iamjules FUCK OFF YOU ARE MY LESBIAN, SILLY! |
| January 4 | @tizforever | BBC NEWS: French Chef commits suicide after critics attack. After further investigation, it turns out he simply lost the huile d’olive. |
| January 4 | @fowget | @iamchads Manchester my arse, this is what you want http://www.mykp.co.uk/my-thoughts/learn-lancastrian-accent/ |
| January 4 | @TheSleepyNinja | I was going to buy the original Holy Grail yesterday for £117.50 but as it costs £120 today I can’t afford it. |
| January 4 | @jacques_aih | I’m only eating food I bought before today. ie. I’m on a low-VAT diet. #killmetodeath |
| January 4 | @BECKintl | Today’s daily cartoon goes about a question which some of us have to stand today. @iamchads has it written. http://t.co/91CkO03 |
| January 4 | @PaulyPeligroso | “I think I’m going to delete my Twitter account…” = “BEG ME TO STAY!” |
| January 4 | @RachelvsPublic | BBC News “It looks like a river” talking about the floods in Australia. Someone give her some crayons. |
| January 4 | @room_319 | This big bitch needs to stop adding cutesy s sounds to all her words. Talking like that don’t change the fact ur a buck 90 and beastly. |
| January 4 | @EastressStar | @iamchads *innocent face* What exactly d’you think you’re going to accidentally liquidise, Chads? *juggles plums & a banana,whistles* Well? |
| January 4 | @eops | Just noticed my soundcloud has SIX HUNDRED AND ONE followers!
*Totally amazed/stoked* |
| January 4 | @OctoberJones | Bluetooth Businessman: “Listen John, I’m a dildo. We have to implement an OutOfTheBox BlueSky business model. I am a massive fucking dildo” |
| January 4 | @brainpicker | Four Color Process – a treasure trove of gorgeous magnified details from vintage comic book pages http://is.gd/k6sOG |
| January 4 | @SyzygySweetie | Got this report from my Stepmum as soon as I stepped in the door. I was practically raised on the terraces of The Shed, is that not ENOUGH? |
| January 4 | @lucyinglis | The Good, the Bad and The If I Have To #lessambitiousfilms |
| January 5 | @decath10n | @iamchads I just screwed up my face and blew all over my screen. Wait, that also accurately describes something else… |
| January 5 | @daveknockles | A new girl has started in accounts. What is the etiquette RE: asking her if she wants one up the clacker? Wait ’til after lunch, right? |
| January 5 | @PaulShakeySharp | Post Christmas gloom. One of many reasons I’m glad I drive a truck and not working in an office with ‘people’. |
| January 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | @Fowget @iamchads supercharger vs turbocharger. Suprcharger is belt or chain driven from the engine (constant power) continued.. |
| January 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | @Fowget @iamchads turbocharger uses the exhaust gases to spin the impeller. Both are forms of forced induction. |
| January 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | @Fowget @iamchads turbocharger can suffer from ‘lag’ as the pressure of exhaust gases build up. |
| January 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | @Fowget @iamchads where as the supercharger can in fact rob power if the engine is not powerful enough to spin it initially (inertia) |
| January 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | @Fowget @iamchads Turbo = extreme spikes of power. Supercharger = overall increase of power. |
| January 5 | @fowget | I find myself butting into conversations at work to throw a joke in. It appears that I have become that cunt at work |
| January 5 | @lucyinglis | @Fowget No, but I have a mental image of white van driving Star readers and beleaguered second generation Asians. @iamchads |
| January 5 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads No one from there gets a GCSE, so it’d be a bit pointless. It’s potato country in every sense. @Fowget |
| January 5 | @RogerQuimbly | If I knew what it meant, I could be an idiot savant. |
| January 5 | @lucyinglis | Today I had lunch with Baby, who is having a baby any time now. Like a tv within a tv. She didn’t a) sit in a corner b) have the baby. |
| January 5 | @alisonkbirch | Dear BBC: Kate Middleton can go to her wedding on Bernie Clifton’s ostrich, for all I care. Please STFU. |
| January 7 | @JTLovell1979 | It’s not a foregone conclusion that Australia will win this, y’know. |
| January 7 | @nicforsyth | New years resolution. Stop correcting people I don’t/hardly know on their grammar. Oh and people in the street/in shops. |
| January 7 | @wobblyvirtue | I dreamt that someone playing monopoly on an iPhone was staring at me in the wee hours in an ethereal glow. Scary. @_iamjules @Moody_Loner |
| January 7 | @TruthSandwich | Your mother and I have something to tell you. It’s not easy… but we’ve decided to see other children. You’re just not performing. Sorry. |
| January 7 | @TruthSandwich | I’ll tell you what’ll put a spring in your step. A spring. |
| January 7 | @TruthSandwich | Stuart Baggs just got retweeted into my timeline. Looks like I picked the wrong day to give up looking at wankers. |
| January 7 | @jacques_aih | “Rubbish at reading and writing” = illiteration |
| January 7 | @GlennyRodge | When French people talk, do they say “pardon my French” at the end of each sentence? |
| January 7 | @StarchildCoop | I feel spooked. I am sleeping with a weapon. I of course mean hairspray. I am prepared to style someone to death, should I have to. |
| January 8 | @blindfumble | I’ve just been sent a joke and the punchline is ‘no, he’s got shit on his dick too’… it was sent to me by my 68 year old mother. Proudface |
| January 8 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads Ha! ‘My favourite time to eat this refreshing salad is after a sauna with my friend, Juan.’ |
| January 8 | @almacdSE1 | Dear iPhone. I appreciate help with my spelling but you have crossed the line. Frankly, you can to go to he’ll. |
| January 8 | @RogerQuimbly | Pen. Paper. Envelope. Stamp. Four letter words. |
| January 9 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads My mother is an advocate of the cheap toaster. Every trip home I give it the stinkeye and she notices, and sniffs. |
| January 9 | @GlennyRodge | Look, he’s a publicity seeking twat but there’s no point in getting irate, just block him – said Kenneth Tong, as he unfollowed Piers Morgan |
| January 9 | @StarchildCoop | A guy just said “Good morning”to me. I love living in the country. To be fair, I did pin him down and slap him until he said it. Still nice! |
| January 9 | @GlennyRodge | I’ve not seen the stats on this, but I reckon someone with a gun is significantly more likely to shoot someone than someone without a gun. |
| January 9 | @OctoberJones | Got to go. Remember, celebrity baiting on Twitter is NOT cool. You know who told be that? @50cent, as he fucked me up the arse. Peace out. |
| January 9 | @back_of_the_net | Tyldesley – “In Liverpool football is a religion”. To prove the point Liverpool fans sit quietly and believe in something fairly improbable. |
| January 9 | @OctoberJones | Primary School 1991: “I’m not really into football” I said…. “I’m a MASSIVE gaybo” they heard. |
| January 9 | @Twistedlilkitty | @OctoberJones Because the least gay you can get is intently watching men run around in shorts for 90 minutes. |
| January 9 | @fowget | The Wife has told me I’m a grumpy cunt so I have decided to walk round with this expression. That’ll teach her http://yfrog.com/h2ikfuj |
| January 9 | @1orchardroad | When I go through Next directory I shout names out of people I know as I predict their next season wardrobe. |
| January 9 | @TonyCowards | What time is kick off at Stamford Bridge? About every 10 minutes. #ITFC 😦 |
| January 9 | @jacques_aih | So I said “We need to work together to source a positive solution going forward”. To which she replied “Pay up or get off the fucking bus” |
| January 9 | @RedEaredRabbit | If like me you want but can’t afford Photoshop then I strongly recommend GIMP. It’s free and it’s bloody brilliant. |
| January 9 | @An_Irish_Brit | Okay people, TIME’S UP, you’ve been on twitter long enough. The internet’s been updated with new porn now. |
| January 9 | @christianduguay | Your motorcycle isn’t loud enough unless pedestrians are shitting their teeth out onto the pavement. |
| January 9 | @jackja | @SimonNRicketts We should get some goats involved. Then they could be The Goats Who Stare at The Men Who Stare At The Men Who Stare at Goats |
| January 9 | @williamstafford | “If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall” – Rudyard Kipling (or somebody) |
| January 10 | @TheDollSays | Colleague asked me what I thought of her new boots. I thought, ‘It looks like you’re standing in two dead raccoons.’ I said, ‘Ooh, lovely.’ |
| January 10 | @GlennyRodge | Little old lady in front of me just broke wind & said “factory’s letting out early today”. Couldn’t stop laughing. |
| January 10 | @StarchildCoop | Some days my glasses make me feel drunk. Especially when I fill them up with wine. |
| January 10 | @TheConnArtist | An attractive person holding an Apple phone is iCandy. |
| January 10 | @BertFlange | Going for a curry tonight with one-lung Ray. Unfortunately Dolly’s coming too. Dolly looks like Joe Bugner in a frock & fancies me. |
| January 11 | @TruthSandwich | It’s so mild today one of my testicles has made a cautious descent back into the world. “It’s a trick, you fool,” I bark. “Get back up!” |
| January 11 | @TruthSandwich | I’m playing British Roulette. Like Russian Roulette but you flip a coin to randomly decide whether or not to carry an umbrella that day. |
| January 11 | @EatMyHalo | I’m now following Lorraine Pascale. Currently resisting urge to ‘do a Cusack’, don’t want to ruin things before they’ve even started. |
| January 11 | @jacques_aih | The most right-wing band around are “Arbeit McFly”. |
| January 11 | @spazdiv | *slops make-up on the desk then smashes her face into it ”Look ma! I’m Kerry Katona!” |
| January 11 | @KyeLani | Jason Bourne and Evelyn Salt should breed. |
| January 11 | @dumbwitness | If you buy fags or booze at the co-op, they have to guess your age and enter it on their POS terminal. |
| January 11 | @fulhammatty | Bonsoir Twitter, J’etait au pub, pendant la soiree. Et maintenant, j’attends le train vers chez moi. J’espere que vous etes toutes bonne, x |
| January 12 | @sgrocks83 | (W.Mid accent)”How did it go?” “Good, just need to get a potato clock.” “Eh?” “He said I’ve got the job, so long as can get a potato clock” |
| January 12 | @curlywurlyfi | @lucyinglis Midnight Secret is genuinely a miracle potion. But expensive like unicorn tears. |
| January 12 | @grazingbison | The person who’s sole job it is is to write “FILES” on some paper, has written “FLIES” instead. He’s almost poetically stupid. |
| January 12 | @RogerQuimbly | This small, flat-bottomed china bowl with a handle, containing a beverage made from ground and roasted beans really isn’t my cup of tea. |
| January 12 | @RogerQuimbly | Sanguine vampires have excellent esprit de corpuscle. |
| January 12 | @peter_watts | Pretty accurate Chelsea cartoon from Private Eye. #cfc http://twitpic.com/3pclvi |
| January 12 | @neillockwood | If every person on the planet jumped up at the same time that would be a hell of a lot of wobbling breasts. *muse* |
| January 12 | @blindfumble | Colleague has just asked me to get her a Marathon from the vending machine.
Anyone Got a spare flux capacitor and shaky midget? |
| January 12 | @TheJohnnyMc | In an effort to gain more followers I shall be promoting biggerexia. Don’t eat that celery! you’re disgusting! Go for the McDonalds #win |
| January 12 | @BinaryDad | As far as great smells go, I reckon a newborn baby, covered in Magic Marker scribbles, would hit ALL the right notes. |
| January 12 | @TheSleepyNinja | I have watched too many episodes of The Sopranos. Newspaper falls out of my letter-box at 11.30pm and I think I am about to get whacked. |
| January 12 | @martindeeson | fuck me @peaches_g is the new Baudrillard |
| January 13 | @CalvinJohns | My mum used to like Elton John. I put a one-off podcast with him on earlier. Her language was like a trucker in a bear-trap. Unstoppable. |
| January 13 | @yoyoha | Twitter kind of feels like a time capsule for our children’s shame. |
| January 13 | @Brat13 | Internet 2010 in numbers http://j.mp/f56SZr <– Interesting stats! |
| January 13 | @sharonGOONer | Woman in Boots said ‘Oh I am a twat. It’s too fucking early for this’. I told her I would like to work with her. |
| January 13 | @lucyinglis | Stuart Broad has just asked Twitter to ‘be good touch wood’ on his behalf. Yes pl- *Inglis garret rings to unladylike Sid James laughter* |
| January 13 | @ncguk | Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day; call a man a shitsock and he’ll punch you in the tits. |
| January 13 | @neillockwood | Just had a pop up on screen for a funeral company – nearly give me a heart attack. …………Ah, clever! |
| January 13 | @BECKintl | Today’s daily cartoon is based on a tweet by @douggpound. http://t.co/rnzFBP7 Warning: contains graphical content. |
| January 13 | @jacques_aih | Just seen Emile Heskey pining for the woman who looks after his kids. You’d think he’d be used to missing a sitter. |
| January 13 | @brainpicker | Charles & Ray Eames’ iconic Powers of Ten, in a flipbook http://j.mp/etBktw |
| January 13 | @MrsCupidStunt | Doors to manual… |
| January 13 | @PaulShakeySharp | The Commodores! That’s it. They sang Easy and Nightshift. I was trying to remember them. Now why was I trying to remember them? Fuck… |
| January 13 | @blindfumble | Not feeling it tonight. Sleep well twitter. I’ll leave you with the angel MJ, sweet dreams xx http://yfrog.com/hsfywqbj |
| January 14 | @mattwhatsit | I’m going to spend the entire day responding to every request with “we’ll see” and a wry, punch-me-in-the-face smile. |
| January 14 | @TheSleepyNinja | My mechanic has a puppy called spanner. If he had been a gynaecologist would the puppy have been called speculum? |
| January 14 | @lucyinglis | Telephone rings. Stepfather: ‘I forgot the garlic…….good morning, good afternoon, good whatever. I forgot it. There we are. Goodbye.’ |
| January 14 | @TheSleepyNinja | Lower than a cheap shot by an olympic limbo dancer http://plixi.com/p/69892948 |
| January 14 | @TheDollSays | RT @OctoberJones: iPhone battery died earlier. What a fucking drama queen. http://twitpic.com/3q0dzz |
| January 14 | @EastressStar | #ff @iamchads & @fowget – it’s like a darker,swearier,more dour version of The Likely Lads & <insert double act here>or some shit like that. |
| January 15 | @thekieran | Lol someone just tried to use the painting/painter analogy to convince me of god… |
| January 15 | @iSwarb | A couple of lesbians are making out next to me at the bar. I’m not going to lie to you, Twitter; this is fucking awesome. |
| January 15 | @jezmo8 | Cuntinue should be a real word. |
| January 15 | @andretorp | This autocorrect function on my iphone is a̶ ̶c̶u̶n̶t̶ brilliant |
| January 15 | @lucyinglis | @curlywurlyfi !! S: Don’t eat that, it’s my honey from Firenze. Me: It’s out of date. S: Almost Queen Anne. I just like to know it’s there. |
| January 15 | @GlennyRodge | So, the Flintstones are to perform their Swedish pop tribute act at the Brisbane cricket ground in aid of the flood victims. Abba Gabba Do. |
| January 15 | @TheDollSays | Idle chat with @TheSleepyNinja. He said ‘What would it be like if breasts could talk?’ I said ‘I bet mine would be ardent feminists.’ |
| January 15 | @jacques_aih | @RogerQuimbly Sean Bean seems to get killed at the end of the majority of his movies. In fact, do all Bean flicks end with a little death? |
| January 15 | @TruthSandwich | Twitter just recommended I follow Louie Spence and Chris Moyles. Time to get the chalk, candles, altar and My Big Book of Satan out again. |
| January 16 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads No, towel whip? Okay, I’ll take a man hug and a couple of smiley faces. Cheers. |
| January 16 | @expatina | Anise Nin #edibleauthors |
| January 16 | @TruthSandwich | I an in the hood. (Because it’s raining.) |
| January 16 | @mrschads | Don’t know why @iamchads. thinks I am here to bash him. Told him long ago I am here for a long time not a good time … oops I see my error |
| January 17 | @EatMyHalo | I want everyone to know I love the little robot from Star Wars. Please R2. |
| January 17 | @1orchardroad | A comes up waving something around and says ‘I’d like to read this book mummy’. Its my sodding passport. Can’t leave anything anywhere. |
| January 17 | @neillockwood | A baby is wailing it’s head off further down the street, it’s okay though – it’s a far cry from me. |
| January 17 | @fowget | I dreamt last night that there was a breed of monkey that ran so fast, their bollocks caught fire with the friction |
| January 17 | @jacques_aih | CEO has instructed us to come up with a management solution today. So we’ve dissolved a couple of them in acid. |
| January 17 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads We would put our football kits in carrier bags – usually ‘Fresh Fruit Daily’ ones – I like to think of it as sponsorship. |
| January 17 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads You? Us younger brothers are definitely best. 1st the worst, 2nd the best, 3rd the one with the hairy chest (sister). |
| January 17 | @TheDollSays | Colleague’s reciting lines from ‘Come Fly With Me’ so I’m going to find out how many items of stationery you can shove up a complete wanker. |
| January 17 | @jezmo8 | Doing well with University Challenge tonight. Whistled the theme tune perfectly. |
| January 18 | @1orchardroad | I have pinched my lips to get the effect of lipstick, WWII style. It hasn’t really worked. They just sting now. |
| January 18 | @JimBobbers | A watched kettle never boils… EXCEPT when you’re putting off doing work, then the bastard seems to have the power of 20 million suns. |
| January 18 | @EatMyHalo | “Hey Monet! Do Tommy Cooper!” “Fuck off.” “Well do Lenny Henry then!” “FUCK OFF.” “You’re the worst impressionist ever.” -end scene- |
| January 18 | @nitsohara | Now THIS is one update that made me laugh. http://yfrog.com/gz77kp |
| January 18 | @mattwhatsit | The gay couple awarded £1,800 damages each after winning their hotel discrimination case has been paid in nine-bob notes. |
| January 18 | @neillockwood | Twitter is one of the greenest websites available – just look at all the recycled jokes. |
| January 18 | @TruthSandwich | I fell in love with a prog rock fanatic. She said, “You had me at ELO.” |
| January 18 | @fowget | First day of the stand up training course is entitled “Comedy LOL”. |
| January 18 | @PaulShakeySharp | My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! He was getting bored of reading the same joke all day too. |
| January 19 | @GlennyRodge | A woman just said she had a “good clear out” yesterday. She was probably referring to spring cleaning but there was a certain glow about her |
| January 19 | @neillockwood | Baby, it’s COLD outside. http://bit.ly/fx861Y |
| January 19 | @fowget | Last nights dream? I dreamt that @BECKintl had brought out his own range of fruit teas and the box was shaped like his avatar |
| January 19 | @JimBobbers | @Jamie9A I’ll get BAAIDS. That’s what sheep get too. |
| January 19 | @grazingbison | @fowget @iamchads Why do you think there are always typos in my tweets? And they read like they’re written by a cock anyway. |
| January 19 | @The1nbetweener | Replace your first name with your last name and last name with your first to get your American name. |
| January 19 | @TheDollSays | A boss just asked a fellow PA for something and she said ‘No, tough luck.’ I’m lost in misty-eyed admiration. Might build a statue of her. |
| January 19 | @quantumbagel | @iamchads I could hear the tortured shrieks of that tweet as you twisted it into shape. You sicko. |
| January 19 | @quantumbagel | Good morning, World, c’mon if you think you’re hard enough. Bring cake. |
| January 19 | @MooseAllain | Twitter is like having hundreds of pen-friends, all of whom can only communicate on the back of bus tickets. |
| January 19 | @MooseAllain | Last time I tried to pray to God, I ended up to speaking to someone called Wendy in India. |
| January 19 | @EatMyHalo | I’ve made excellent decisions in past unfollows. It’s all the same wankers doing the same whinging. Shut the everlasting boring fuck up. |
| January 19 | @martindeeson | Press Release Wank of the Day: “AA Gill lives in London and spends most of his year travelling.” |
| January 19 | @alexispetridis | @martindeeson The problem’s not that he travels, it’s that when he gets there, he looks down his fucking nose at everything he finds. |
| January 19 | @1orchardroad | Talking of sandwiches I would be interested to see what Mr J used to wrap kids sandwiches for today as we had no cling film, foil or bags. |
| January 19 | @eops | RT @TheFagCasanova: “Can’t come into work today, I am very I’ll.” – Steve Jobs’ sick note. lol took 3 reads to get it |
| January 19 | @padoir | I’m the youngest in this cinema by at least 20 years. I am 44. |
| January 19 | @TheMightierEvo | An elderly gentleman channelled his inner anus stench and breathed it directly into my face as another man jabbed at me with his paper. |
| January 19 | @CoffeeHooker | Maybe I need a carer. Anyone want to care for a tiny Aussie with tourette-like outbursts, who has problems ordering tea? I’ll pay in booze. |
| January 19 | @lucyinglis | My best friend has been in labour since yesterday morning. It may be safe to say the novelty has worn off. |
| January 19 | @lucyinglis | How is it possible to be exhaustificated after a day spent achieving….well, let’s forget what I didn’t achieve. Did running though. |
| January 19 | @lucyinglis | Congratulations to Skye Gyngell on her Michelin star. Thereby confirming her cookbook’s neglect in my kitchen as thoroughly justified. |
| January 20 | @ElliottClarkson | @DavieLegend Just get an orange, peel it and throw away the inside bit. Voilà. Marmalade. |
| January 20 | @daveknockles | Basically, I’m a work machine, built by robots out of lengths of sheer hard graft. Anyway, I’ll be in the juicer if you need me. |
| January 20 | @Your_Gran | My friends car is alarmed. I’m assuming it’s because of her driving. |
| January 21 | @decath10n | Just told friend they were ‘lying down next to me prostate’. Hurried correction of missing ‘r’ NOT colloquial description of odd bedfellows. |
| January 21 | @_iamjules | @iamchads It’s like you see into my very soul Chadders. Are you made of magic? |
| January 21 | @lucyinglis | @_iamjules Sparkles fall from him as he moves about. Like fairy electricity. @iamchads |
| January 21 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads NEVER, you dirty boy. However, he did do a lot of drugs and once dreamt I was the pilot of an X-wing fighter. @fowget @_iamjules |
| January 21 | @DavieLegend | I am fully dressed, for the first time today, hat & shoes included, in the vain hope that someone will contact me & I will get to socialise. |
| January 22 | @thesuzannemoore | Trying to work out which drug David Mitchell reminds me of. It may well be pro plus. |
| January 22 | @TruthSandwich | Marked police car just went up the road. Not one of the best. 2/10 |
| January 22 | @kenarmstrong1 | @GlennyRodge Are you fuc*king disgusted? (you have to say that out loud) |
| January 22 | @TheSleepyNinja | @fowget @iamchads When stressed out he swaps identity. I affectionately refer to these identities as “Clark-Chads” and “Super-Chads” |
| January 22 | @TheDollSays | Cross stitch RT @Shazzle01: @thedollsays Also this one. http://twitpic.com/3sfwmr |
| January 22 | @GlennyRodge | Today it dawned on me that I sometimes stand, flamingo-like, on one leg. There’s no punchline to this. I’m basically a fucking idiot. |
| January 22 | @GlennyRodge | I reckon me and many of the people I follow are funnier than tonights comedy award winners. Mostly me, obviously. Nob face fanny farts. See? |
| January 23 | @GlennyRodge | Singing ‘hey fatty bum bum’ at a cat when you ate an entire large pizza last night seems both futile & hypocritical. And a tad mental. |
| January 23 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads Your car loves to be driven like that. It thanks you. (Audi-whispering is another of my skills) |
| January 23 | @michlan | At the park. The DD’s have walkietalkies. ‘Send three ‘n’ fourpence, we’re going to a dance’. I think they said. http://yfrog.com/h2hwbxrj |
| January 23 | @Wardotron | I had my first sexual experience behind the local ironworks, crawling over some old slag. |
| January 23 | @CoffeeHooker | The best plan at this stage is to fashion the remaining essays into a piñata, beat the crap out of it, then set fire to it. Problem solved. |
| January 23 | @kenarmstrong1 | I’ll say this about Hugh Grant’s performance in ‘Sirens’, Elle McPherson has great tits. |
| January 24 | @grazingbison | I keep my friends close, but my enemies really fucking far away. I can’t stand those guys. |
| January 24 | @GlennyRodge | If I had a pound every time I had a day off work, I’d have a pound now. Ah, I’d only waste it on sweets. |
| January 24 | @lucyinglis | This bus has just run a completely red light at about 20 miles an hour, in Hackney. He’s not even an amber-gambler, this one. We’re doomed. |
| January 24 | @DaintyBallerina | The offside rule is perfectly easy to understand. Those silly men at Sky Sports should try getting cat sick out of a silk skirt. |
| January 24 | @GlennyRodge | Hope Sue Barker doesn’t ask “What is the offside rule?” on Question Of Sport. She won’t know if they answer correctly, bless her heart. |
| January 25 | @fowget | Does @iamchads get one of those blue ticks now that I can confirm his existance and that he’s not a complete weirdo? |
| January 25 | @OctoberJones | Bloke on train is all up in my personal space. I wouldn’t usually bother but these trousers are only supposed to fit one person. |
| January 26 | @StarchildCoop | I had a dream I was reading a book. I’ve finally reached my goal: I’m more boring in my dreams than in real-life. |
| January 26 | @mrcudlip | Dear Dark Forces, Please can you deal with Alan Green, now that Operation GrayKeys is complete. Thanks, Mr C |
| January 26 | @blindfumble | I’m knackered. I’ll bid you all a Jew.
Night x |
| January 27 | @BECKintl | Today’s daily cartoon, the one my wife doesn’t like, is a @Wikiballs written by utterly underrated @EggShapes. Enjoy. http://t.co/sGXiUMG |
| January 27 | @debsylee | Want to know the time Helvetically? http://helvetictoc.com/ |
| January 28 | @PaulShakeySharp | I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s shit and Wednesday too, Thursday I don’t care about you, Friday I’m still at fucking work. |
| January 28 | @PaulShakeySharp | When listening to Everyday by Buddy Holly I like to imagine he’s keeping rhythm by smacking a teenager round the face. |
| January 28 | @peter_watts | If I had done some work instead of fannying around on twitter all day yesterday, I could spend today fannying around on twitter. |
| January 28 | @TruthSandwich | If I can’t arrive at work ten minutes late and not give a contents monkey’s, the terrorists have won. |
| January 28 | @thereisnohurry | If your wedding goes off without a hitch, you’ll have a story no one wants to hear and pictures and video no one wants to see. |
| January 28 | @chaosgerbil | RT @bluejag: Thought I saw Andy Gray’s name on a loaf of bread earlier but when I looked more closely it said THICK CUT.<- CUT or CU*T |
| January 28 | @BECKintl | Folks we have a new daily cartoon. @gdorean, boss, hope you don‘t mind that I’ve cartoonified one of your tweets again. http://t.co/BwN6iTJ |
| January 29 | @grazingbison | I turn the Smirn off and turn the Gavisc on. |
| January 29 | @ElliottClarkson | The moment you’ve ALL been waiting for. Me chanelling Rhod Gilbert. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKXlxFtrnag |
| January 29 | @_iamjules | A man lies next to me, snoring gently. After a hard week at work his furrowed brow is now smooth & his face is a picture of contentment… |
| January 29 | @_iamjules | But if he continues to snore like that I will find it hard not to smack him about the heed with a shoe I can see on the floor in the corner! |
| January 29 | @lucyinglis | No surprise (but hilarious) to learn that my tiny, betweeded and behatted father-in-law is known in town as Le Grand Anglais. @curlywurlyfi |
| January 29 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads Ha! My weedy fingers couldn’t quite manage the ‘r’ in ‘her’. Basically, I spacked it, mate. |
| January 29 | @QuintinForbes | This deserves a RT @dotmund I have redesigned Manchester United’s kit. This is a free service. http://twitpic.com/3uku0a |
| January 30 | @FliesOpen | Lying on the bed, explaining to the cat why my tweets are funny. |
| January 30 | @GlennyRodge | First set: Andy Murray 4 Jock O’Vitch 6. Win-win situation for Scotland. |
| January 30 | @fowget | The only way Murray could choke more was if he was playing John Holmes |
| January 30 | @fowget | For Sale: One Wife, doesn’t like Elbow |
| January 30 | @robinbogg | BREAKING: New research finds that correct usage of the word decimated has fallen by way over 10 per cent in last few years |
| January 30 | @brainpicker | How small businesses lose money, in an infographic http://j.mp/hZV8uZ (via @NewMindMirror) |
| January 30 | @BECKintl | Good afternoon. @ratbanjos has written today’s daily cartoon which is named Sunday Service. Enjoy. http://t.co/p87Au5H |
| January 30 | @MrLondonStreet | If they’d made “Big” about me Zoltar would have granted my wish and you’d have had 2 hours of me in a hot tub with Belinda Carlisle. |
| January 31 | @BECKintl | Today’s daily cartoon is a @TwopTwips tweet written by @Johnny_Two_Dogs and goes about swimming with dolphins. http://t.co/RjQobHw |
| January 31 | @TheConnArtist | It was down to Chaka Demus to take care of all the partnership business negotiations. Pliers wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box. |
| January 31 | @GlennyRodge | Just walked into a pub where they were holding a daredevil group meeting. You should have seen the evels I got. |
| February 1 | @TheSleepyNinja | Started day with perfectly cooked pancetta and parmesan omelette. Pleasure was tainted by the fact that this day has had its high point now. |
| February 1 | @ElliottClarkson | My work pass looks like the blurred out face in a “my teacher used to touch me” news story. Maybe that’s how they want me to feel. |
| February 1 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads So he’s more Starsky, you’re more Hutch? |
| February 1 | @fowget | I just told the Wife she should be more like a Pikey Wife and be more subservient. On an unrelated note, my balls are now really sore #bfgw |
| February 2 | @TheConnArtist | “Sharm el-Sheikh brings all the troops to the yard / Our conflict is bigger than yours” |
| February 2 | @_iamjules | Morning. I’m late, it’s raining & I’ve seen 3 ‘you’re/your’ tweets already. It’s probably a good idea to avoid me today *fumes* |
| February 2 | @grazingbison | Post breakfast amuse-bouche this morning consisted of a piece of white chocolate & a teaspoonful of peanut butter eaten out of the jar. |
| February 2 | @fowget | My most noteworthy horticultural achievement was when I taught my plants how to dance, a Roots Manuva you might say |
| February 2 | @BECKintl | @iamchads Where the BMW standlights come from 😉 http://tiny.cc/86t1i |
| February 2 | @quantumbagel | Au revoir, mes amis grumeleux, je vous verrai plus tard! |
| February 2 | @TheSleepyNinja | RT @iamchads: @fowget @StarchildCoop @beckintl @thedollsays Bosh! (Sorry Beck!) http://plixi.com/p/74277150 |
| February 2 | @TheDollSays | Ahh, Midsomer Murders. Like eating a lovely cake, then seeing a car accident but then forgetting about that and finishing the lovely cake. |
| February 2 | @brainpicker | Introducing @projeqt – a creative storytelling platform for presentations, portfolios, education & more http://j.mp/f9i91f |
| February 3 | @the_overfed | @MooseAllain Assuage is when someone tries to make you feel better about your inability to spell sausage |
| February 3 | @MadMedic1 | Total shitballs. Awake far too early. This doesn’t bode well for my patients or patience later. Hehehe. Did you see what I did there? |
| February 3 | @MadMedic1 | My eyes feel like pissholes in the snow. I’m guessing I look like shit warmed up too! Today can be described as utter bollocks… |
| February 3 | @GlennyRodge | I’m at the farm today. A baby sheep is having a fight with his dad. They’re really going at it. A ram, a lamb, a ding-dong, and no mistake. |
| February 3 | @TheSleepyNinja | RT @_L_M_C_: RT @RichardWiseman: Brilliant – simply brilliant. http://yfrog.com/hs1jncwj (via Tim C) |
| February 3 | @fowget | #tweetsfromhistory @PaulChambers The airport is still shut but just thought of a really funny joke, it’ll slay them. Hope it gets me a shag |
| February 3 | @BECKintl | “Look daddy, I have drawn Hitler with a cruise missile stuck in his head.” #thejoyofhavingkids |
| February 3 | @warren_bennett | Is there any way we can combine Question Time with The Golden Shot? And whatever happened to Anne Aston? |
| February 4 | @BinaryDad | Is there a piece of software available to tell Adobe to fuck the shit off? |
| February 4 | @TheDollSays | @fowget @Tummycustard Oh, DIDDUMS to the lot of them. |
| February 4 | @betchaboy | ”The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine.” – Abraham Lincoln |
| February 4 | @BECKintl | Today I’ve cartoonified a tweet of @Lemonosity to be this Friday’s daily cartoon, or is it a comic? Please find out here http://t.co/uHtY2XT |
| February 4 | @TruthSandwich | Don’t often do #FFs but if you fancy trying your hand at getting one-liners or sketches on to the radio, follow @NewsjackBBC now. |
| February 4 | @Mr_Neurosceptic | We’d do well to remember we don’t really live in a dog eat dog world, although we must remember that ugly women do tend to shop at Iceland. |
| February 5 | @parkyerbike | I went to a karaoke bar last night and discovered they didn’t play any 70s music. At first I was afraid… I was petrified |
| February 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | Late night in the office (I started at 9am) the wind is whistling in tune with Canon in D, either that or I am hallucinating again. |
| February 5 | @TheDollSays | @TheSleepyNinja @Twistedlilkitty It’s really hard to maintain all three of them and remain plausible but I think I manage it. |
| February 5 | @TheConnArtist | Sturdy oak. Weeping willow. Fragrant pine. OK, enough of the pleasant trees – let’s get down to business. |
| February 5 | @decath10n | I’m sat by a man wearing these shoes, an oversized biker jacket and a smile that comes only with DIY lobotomies. http://yfrog.com/h2m3mbaj |
| February 6 | @brainpicker | What would your occupation in the Star Wars universe be? There’s a flowchart for that! http://j.mp/hWXBgZ |
| February 6 | @neillockwood | Red or white? http://bit.ly/eK2hvh |
| February 6 | @kenarmstrong1 | I never bought The Irish Mail on Sunday before and, after today, I’ll never buy it again. (Didn’t buy it today either, lest we’re unclear). |
| February 6 | @TipYourHat | I’m drinking a beer while building an exercise machine. That’s fine, right? |
| February 6 | @TheDollSays | Hey, men! When you’ve had a go with the L’oreal Men Expert Cooling Eye Roll On, why not get a crush on Colin Firth and have a period? |
| February 6 | @DJMissfrenchie | I remember when that used to be played on French radio. Oh yes, the full version! — Lil Louis – French Kiss http://t.co/pdsMN5J |
I Am Chads 
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