A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 5

Approximately 4800 words of brilliance that kicked off 2011.
Pleasant trees anyone?
 

January 1 @BECKintl Turns out champagne isn’t that bad drink. Happy New York!
January 1 @CoffeeHooker In conclusion to stop me having the cunting cat legally put down & stuffed & added as a permanent fixture to the shelf, I’m going for a walk
January 1 @neillockwood Just turned over a new leaf, the underside is exactly the same as the old leaf so I turned it back over and quietly walked away.
January 1 @fowget As you recover from your NYE hangover you can read my themed blog update from yesterday http://fowget.wordpress.com/
January 1 @EdTackas For once on New Years Day I am not hanging out my arse whispering ‘Lord, please don’t hurt me now’
January 1 @_iamjules @iamchads Happy New Year btw Chadders. I wanted to say thanks to you too. For last year. I’ve only been using (cont) http://tl.gd/7rp9ha
January 1 @Mr_Neurosceptic Happy new year you bunch of  umbilicals, here we are in 2011. Let’s hope this year doesn’t turn out to be a pile of old forklifts.
January 1 @_iamjules @iamchads Actually Chadders I’ve been thinking about this. You make a lot of newbies feel welcome, you always (cont) http://tl.gd/7rpdtl
January 1 @DarkBeige @helencairns no, strange atmosphere. Bride had no friends, and groom’s friends all secretly dislike her. We had to pay £20 a head for booze
January 1 @_iamjules Hello.I thought you’d like to see what I’m doing to celebrate New Year.U want me doncha?Well tough! I’m spoken for http://yfrog.com/h3idtgyj
January 1 @TruthSandwich I’ve sent down some grappa to investigate why that red wine is making me feel worse. The public demands answers.
January 1 @TruthSandwich The oversized ladies clothes sale was a complete circus. I’ve never seen so many big tops.
January 2 @neillockwood This is what my car sounds like. http://bit.ly/eC9Q5T
January 2 @GrahamTCousins I didn’t make any new years resolutions this year.  *finishes bacon sandwich* *sparks up a tab* *locates corkscrew*
January 2 @Harrythebanker Lady nurse was just round to visit pregnant wife. Surprisingly she was driving a Porsche! I assume she’s going through a ‘mid-wife crisis’.
January 2 @mrS0CK Ham, egg and chips. Win for 2011! All locally sourced too. Tesco, 2.5 miles away. Sustainable as well, they’ve got LOADS.
January 2 @TruthSandwich I see bird flu is in the headlines again. I’m not bothered, I’m a bloke.
January 2 @emvetica They say behind every fat girl is a more beautiful one. It would be nice if the fat one got out of the way so we could see her though.
January 2 @lucyinglis Can you IMAGINE going on holiday with Jamie Redknapp? You’d get better chat out of your suitcase waiting to check in.
January 2 @stetienness @iamchads I’ve shaved pigs. I’m not right since neither.
January 2 @brainpicker For fellow language geeks, 10 noteworthy language stories from 2010 http://is.gd/jYA7G
January 2 @BECKintl I counted the stuff I only need in the bathroom. Turns out the idea of The 100 Thing Challenge is shite. http://cl.ly/3qBu
January 2 @decath10n @BECKintl me=my obviously. I can’t be both Rastafarian and consumerist.
January 2 @fowget @therealpostie @iamchads She said “let’s go to the bargain corner it’s great”. We got there and there was just dog shit & a broken Barbie
January 2 @grazingbison I am a nonja
January 2 @grazingbison Here is a ninja’s twitter username – @
January 3 @TheMightierEvo Lifes true love moments #38. Pouring endless buckets of water down the bog to dislodge the wife’s 2×4 staring straight back at you.
January 3 @EastressStar @iamchads Who knows with me, eh, Chads?WHOOO KNOWS?!? I’ve been called a ‘very intelligent, knowledgable fucking idiot’ before… *shrugs*
January 3 @princesspip Decorations packed neatly into a box ready for next year, by that i mean thrown in a tangled/damaged mess into a box. Fucking things.
January 3 @TheCharmQuark “When he yawns, it sounds like Liam Neeson chasing a load of hens around a barrel. And he doesn’t have any eyebrows. Except on Saturdays.”
January 3 @lucyinglis Improvised a spicy lentil and garlic soup for lunch to combat Mr I’s cold. He has named it ‘Exit Strategy’. Charming.
January 3 @_iamjules @shinytuppence Marion Cotillard is in my top 3 for lemon purposes
January 3 @LittleHarmonica The way to a woman’s heart is through laughter…unless you’re in hurry, in which case use the back door.
January 4 @sharonGOONer @_iamjules FUCK OFF YOU ARE MY LESBIAN, SILLY!
January 4 @tizforever BBC NEWS: French Chef commits suicide after critics attack.
After further investigation, it turns out he simply lost the huile d’olive.
January 4 @fowget @iamchads Manchester my arse, this is what you want http://www.mykp.co.uk/my-thoughts/learn-lancastrian-accent/
January 4 @TheSleepyNinja I was going to buy the original Holy Grail yesterday for £117.50 but as it costs £120 today I can’t afford it.
January 4 @jacques_aih I’m only eating food I bought before today. ie. I’m on a low-VAT diet. #killmetodeath
January 4 @BECKintl Today’s daily cartoon goes about a question which some of us have to stand today. @iamchads has it written. http://t.co/91CkO03
January 4 @PaulyPeligroso “I think I’m going to delete my Twitter account…” = “BEG ME TO STAY!”
January 4 @RachelvsPublic BBC News “It looks like a river” talking about the floods in Australia. Someone give her some crayons.
January 4 @room_319 This big bitch needs to stop adding cutesy s sounds to all her words. Talking like that don’t change the fact ur a buck 90 and beastly.
January 4 @EastressStar @iamchads *innocent face* What exactly d’you think you’re going to accidentally liquidise, Chads? *juggles plums & a banana,whistles* Well?
January 4 @eops Just noticed my soundcloud has SIX HUNDRED AND ONE followers! 

*Totally amazed/stoked*
🙂

http://www.soundcloud.com/eops

January 4 @OctoberJones Bluetooth Businessman: “Listen John, I’m a dildo. We have to implement an OutOfTheBox BlueSky business model. I am a massive fucking dildo”
January 4 @brainpicker Four Color Process – a treasure trove of gorgeous magnified details from vintage comic book pages http://is.gd/k6sOG
January 4 @SyzygySweetie Got this report from my Stepmum as soon as I stepped in the door. I was practically raised on the terraces of The Shed, is that not ENOUGH?
January 4 @lucyinglis The Good, the Bad and The If I Have To #lessambitiousfilms
January 5 @decath10n @iamchads I just screwed up my face and blew all over my screen. Wait, that also accurately describes something else…
January 5 @daveknockles A new girl has started in accounts. What is the etiquette RE: asking her if she wants one up the clacker? Wait ’til after lunch, right?
January 5 @PaulShakeySharp Post Christmas gloom. One of many reasons I’m glad I drive a truck and not working in an office with ‘people’.
January 5 @TheSleepyNinja @Fowget @iamchads supercharger vs turbocharger. Suprcharger is belt or chain driven from the engine (constant power) continued..
January 5 @TheSleepyNinja @Fowget @iamchads turbocharger uses the exhaust gases to spin the impeller. Both are forms of forced induction.
January 5 @TheSleepyNinja @Fowget @iamchads turbocharger can suffer from ‘lag’ as the pressure of exhaust gases build up.
January 5 @TheSleepyNinja @Fowget @iamchads where as the supercharger can in fact rob power if the engine is not powerful enough to spin it initially (inertia)
January 5 @TheSleepyNinja @Fowget @iamchads Turbo = extreme spikes of power. Supercharger = overall increase of power.
January 5 @fowget I find myself butting into conversations at work to throw a joke in. It appears that I have become that cunt at work
January 5 @lucyinglis @Fowget No, but I have a mental image of white van driving Star readers and beleaguered second generation Asians. @iamchads
January 5 @lucyinglis @iamchads No one from there gets a GCSE, so it’d be a bit pointless. It’s potato country in every sense. @Fowget
January 5 @RogerQuimbly If I knew what it meant, I could be an idiot savant.
January 5 @lucyinglis Today I had lunch with Baby, who is having a baby any time now. Like a tv within a tv. She didn’t a) sit in a corner b) have the baby.
January 5 @alisonkbirch Dear BBC: Kate Middleton can go to her wedding on Bernie Clifton’s ostrich, for all I care. Please STFU.
January 7 @JTLovell1979 It’s not a foregone conclusion that Australia will win this, y’know.
January 7 @nicforsyth New years resolution. Stop correcting people I don’t/hardly know on their grammar. Oh and people in the street/in shops.
January 7 @wobblyvirtue I dreamt that someone playing monopoly on an iPhone was staring at me in the wee hours in an ethereal glow. Scary. @_iamjules @Moody_Loner
January 7 @TruthSandwich Your mother and I have something to tell you. It’s not easy… but we’ve decided to see other children. You’re just not performing. Sorry.
January 7 @TruthSandwich I’ll tell you what’ll put a spring in your step. A spring.
January 7 @TruthSandwich Stuart Baggs just got retweeted into my timeline. Looks like I picked the wrong day to give up looking at wankers.
January 7 @jacques_aih “Rubbish at reading and writing” = illiteration
January 7 @GlennyRodge When French people talk, do they say “pardon my French” at the end of each sentence?
January 7 @StarchildCoop I feel spooked. I am sleeping with a weapon. I of course mean hairspray. I am prepared to style someone to death, should I have to.
January 8 @blindfumble I’ve just been sent a joke and the punchline is ‘no, he’s got shit on his dick too’… it was sent to me by my 68 year old mother. Proudface
January 8 @TheDollSays @iamchads Ha! ‘My favourite time to eat this refreshing salad is after a sauna with my friend, Juan.’
January 8 @almacdSE1 Dear iPhone. I appreciate help with my spelling but you have crossed the line. Frankly, you can to go to he’ll.
January 8 @RogerQuimbly Pen. Paper. Envelope. Stamp. Four letter words.
January 9 @lucyinglis @iamchads My mother is an advocate of the cheap toaster. Every trip home I give it the stinkeye and she notices, and sniffs.
January 9 @GlennyRodge Look, he’s a publicity seeking twat but there’s no point in getting irate, just block him – said Kenneth Tong, as he unfollowed Piers Morgan
January 9 @StarchildCoop A guy just said “Good morning”to me. I love living in the country. To be fair, I did pin him down and slap him until he said it. Still nice!
January 9 @GlennyRodge I’ve not seen the stats on this, but I reckon someone with a gun is significantly more likely to shoot someone than someone without a gun.
January 9 @OctoberJones Got to go. Remember, celebrity baiting on Twitter is NOT cool. You know who told be that? @50cent, as he fucked me up the arse. Peace out.
January 9 @back_of_the_net Tyldesley – “In Liverpool football is a religion”. To prove the point Liverpool fans sit quietly and believe in something fairly improbable.
January 9 @OctoberJones Primary School 1991: “I’m not really into football” I said…. “I’m a MASSIVE gaybo” they heard.
January 9 @Twistedlilkitty @OctoberJones Because the least gay you can get is intently watching men run around in shorts for 90 minutes.
January 9 @fowget The Wife has told me I’m a grumpy cunt so I have decided to walk round with this expression. That’ll teach her  http://yfrog.com/h2ikfuj
January 9 @1orchardroad When I go through Next directory I shout names out of people I know as I predict their next season wardrobe.
January 9 @TonyCowards What time is kick off at Stamford Bridge? About every 10 minutes. #ITFC 😦
January 9 @jacques_aih So I said “We need to work together to source a positive solution going forward”. To which she replied “Pay up or get off the fucking bus”
January 9 @RedEaredRabbit If like me you want but can’t afford Photoshop then I strongly recommend GIMP. It’s free and it’s bloody brilliant.
January 9 @An_Irish_Brit Okay people, TIME’S UP, you’ve been on twitter long enough. The internet’s been updated with new porn now.
January 9 @christianduguay Your motorcycle isn’t loud enough unless pedestrians are shitting their teeth out onto the pavement.
January 9 @jackja @SimonNRicketts We should get some goats involved. Then they could be The Goats Who Stare at The Men Who Stare At The Men Who Stare at Goats
January 9 @williamstafford “If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall” – Rudyard Kipling (or somebody)
January 10 @TheDollSays Colleague asked me what I thought of her new boots. I thought, ‘It looks like you’re standing in two dead raccoons.’ I said, ‘Ooh, lovely.’
January 10 @GlennyRodge Little old lady in front of me just broke wind & said “factory’s letting out early today”. Couldn’t stop laughing.
January 10 @StarchildCoop Some days my glasses make me feel drunk. Especially when I fill them up with wine.
January 10 @TheConnArtist An attractive person holding an Apple phone is iCandy.
January 10 @BertFlange Going for a curry tonight with one-lung Ray. Unfortunately Dolly’s coming too. Dolly looks like Joe Bugner in a frock & fancies me.
January 11 @TruthSandwich It’s so mild today one of my testicles has made a cautious descent back into the world. “It’s a trick, you fool,” I bark. “Get back up!”
January 11 @TruthSandwich I’m playing British Roulette. Like Russian Roulette but you flip a coin to randomly decide whether or not to carry an umbrella that day.
January 11 @EatMyHalo I’m now following Lorraine Pascale. Currently resisting urge to ‘do a Cusack’, don’t want to ruin things before they’ve even started.
January 11 @jacques_aih The most right-wing band around are “Arbeit McFly”.
January 11 @spazdiv *slops make-up on the desk then smashes her face into it ”Look ma! I’m Kerry Katona!”
January 11 @KyeLani Jason Bourne and Evelyn Salt should breed.
January 11 @dumbwitness If you buy fags or booze at the co-op, they have to guess your age and enter it on their POS terminal.
January 11 @fulhammatty Bonsoir Twitter, J’etait au pub, pendant la soiree. Et maintenant, j’attends le train vers chez moi. J’espere que vous etes toutes bonne, x
January 12 @sgrocks83 (W.Mid accent)”How did it go?” “Good, just need to get a potato clock.” “Eh?” “He said I’ve got the job, so long as can get a potato clock”
January 12 @curlywurlyfi @lucyinglis Midnight Secret is genuinely a miracle potion. But expensive like unicorn tears.
January 12 @grazingbison The person who’s sole job it is is to write “FILES” on some paper, has written “FLIES” instead. He’s almost poetically stupid.
January 12 @RogerQuimbly This small, flat-bottomed china bowl with a handle, containing a beverage made from ground and roasted beans really isn’t my cup of tea.
January 12 @RogerQuimbly Sanguine vampires have excellent esprit de corpuscle.
January 12 @peter_watts Pretty accurate Chelsea cartoon from Private Eye. #cfc http://twitpic.com/3pclvi
January 12 @neillockwood If every person on the planet jumped up at the same time that would be a hell of a lot of wobbling breasts. *muse*
January 12 @blindfumble Colleague has just asked me to get her a Marathon from the vending machine. 

Anyone Got a spare flux capacitor and shaky midget?

January 12 @TheJohnnyMc In an effort to gain more followers I shall be promoting biggerexia. Don’t eat that celery! you’re disgusting! Go for the McDonalds #win
January 12 @BinaryDad As far as great smells go, I reckon a newborn baby, covered in Magic Marker scribbles, would hit ALL the right notes.
January 12 @TheSleepyNinja I have watched too many episodes of The Sopranos.  Newspaper falls out of my letter-box at 11.30pm and I think I am about to get whacked.
January 12 @martindeeson fuck me @peaches_g is the new Baudrillard
January 13 @CalvinJohns My mum used to like Elton John. I put a one-off podcast with him on earlier. Her language was like a trucker in a bear-trap. Unstoppable.
January 13 @yoyoha Twitter kind of feels like a time capsule for our children’s shame.
January 13 @Brat13 Internet 2010 in numbers http://j.mp/f56SZr <– Interesting stats!
January 13 @sharonGOONer Woman in Boots said ‘Oh I am a twat. It’s too fucking early for this’. I told her I would like to work with her.
January 13 @lucyinglis Stuart Broad has just asked Twitter to ‘be good touch wood’ on his behalf. Yes pl- *Inglis garret rings to unladylike Sid James laughter*
January 13 @ncguk Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day; call a man a shitsock and he’ll punch you in the tits.
January 13 @neillockwood Just had a pop up on screen for a funeral company – nearly give me a heart attack.
…………Ah, clever!
January 13 @BECKintl Today’s daily cartoon is based on a tweet by @douggpound. http://t.co/rnzFBP7 Warning: contains graphical content.
January 13 @jacques_aih Just seen Emile Heskey pining for the woman who looks after his kids. You’d think he’d be used to missing a sitter.
January 13 @brainpicker Charles & Ray Eames’ iconic Powers of Ten, in a flipbook http://j.mp/etBktw
January 13 @MrsCupidStunt Doors to manual…
January 13 @PaulShakeySharp The Commodores! That’s it. They sang Easy and Nightshift. I was trying to remember them.
Now why was I trying to remember them? 

Fuck…

January 13 @blindfumble Not feeling it tonight. Sleep well twitter. I’ll leave you with the angel MJ, sweet dreams xx http://yfrog.com/hsfywqbj
January 14 @mattwhatsit I’m going to spend the entire day responding to every request with “we’ll see” and a wry, punch-me-in-the-face smile.
January 14 @TheSleepyNinja My mechanic has a puppy called spanner. If he had been a gynaecologist would the puppy have been called speculum?
January 14 @lucyinglis Telephone rings. Stepfather: ‘I forgot the garlic…….good morning, good afternoon, good whatever. I forgot it. There we are. Goodbye.’
January 14 @TheSleepyNinja Lower than a cheap shot by an olympic limbo dancer http://plixi.com/p/69892948
January 14 @TheDollSays RT @OctoberJones: iPhone battery died earlier. What a fucking drama queen. http://twitpic.com/3q0dzz
January 14 @EastressStar #ff @iamchads & @fowget – it’s like a darker,swearier,more dour version of The Likely Lads & <insert double act here>or some shit like that.
January 15 @thekieran Lol someone just tried to use the painting/painter analogy to convince me of god…
January 15 @iSwarb A couple of lesbians are making out next to me at the bar. I’m not going to lie to you, Twitter; this is fucking awesome.
January 15 @jezmo8 Cuntinue should be a real word.
January 15 @andretorp This autocorrect function on my iphone is a̶ ̶c̶u̶n̶t̶ brilliant
January 15 @lucyinglis @curlywurlyfi !! S: Don’t eat that, it’s my honey from Firenze. Me: It’s out of date. S: Almost Queen Anne. I just like to know it’s there.
January 15 @GlennyRodge So, the Flintstones are to perform their Swedish pop tribute act at the Brisbane cricket ground in aid of the flood victims. Abba Gabba Do.
January 15 @TheDollSays Idle chat with @TheSleepyNinja. He said ‘What would it be like if breasts could talk?’ I said ‘I bet mine would be ardent feminists.’
January 15 @jacques_aih @RogerQuimbly Sean Bean seems to get killed at the end of the majority of his movies. In fact, do all Bean flicks end with a little death?
January 15 @TruthSandwich Twitter just recommended I follow Louie Spence and Chris Moyles. Time to get the chalk, candles, altar and My Big Book of Satan out again.
January 16 @GlennyRodge @iamchads No, towel whip? Okay, I’ll take a man hug and a couple of smiley faces. Cheers.
January 16 @expatina Anise Nin  #edibleauthors
January 16 @TruthSandwich I an in the hood. (Because it’s raining.)
January 16 @mrschads Don’t know why @iamchads. thinks I am here to bash him.  Told him long ago I am here for a long time not a good time … oops I see my error
January 17 @EatMyHalo I want everyone to know I love the little robot from Star Wars.
Please R2.
January 17 @1orchardroad A comes up waving something around and says ‘I’d like to read this book mummy’. Its my sodding passport. Can’t leave anything anywhere.
January 17 @neillockwood A baby is wailing it’s head off further down the street, it’s okay though – it’s a far cry from me.
January 17 @fowget I dreamt last night that there was a breed of monkey that ran so fast, their bollocks caught fire with the friction
January 17 @jacques_aih CEO has instructed us to come up with a management solution today. So we’ve dissolved a couple of them in acid.
January 17 @GlennyRodge @iamchads We would put our football kits in carrier bags – usually ‘Fresh Fruit Daily’ ones – I like to think of it as sponsorship.
January 17 @GlennyRodge @iamchads You? Us younger brothers are definitely best. 1st the worst, 2nd the best, 3rd the one with the hairy chest (sister).
January 17 @TheDollSays Colleague’s reciting lines from ‘Come Fly With Me’ so I’m going to find out how many items of stationery you can shove up a complete wanker.
January 17 @jezmo8 Doing well with University Challenge tonight. Whistled the theme tune perfectly.
January 18 @1orchardroad I have pinched my lips to get the effect of lipstick, WWII style. It hasn’t really worked. They just sting now.
January 18 @JimBobbers A watched kettle never boils… EXCEPT when you’re putting off doing work, then the bastard seems to have the power of 20 million suns.
January 18 @EatMyHalo “Hey Monet! Do Tommy Cooper!”
“Fuck off.”
“Well do Lenny Henry then!”
“FUCK OFF.”
“You’re the worst impressionist ever.” 

-end scene-

January 18 @nitsohara Now THIS is one update that made me laugh.  http://yfrog.com/gz77kp
January 18 @mattwhatsit The gay couple awarded £1,800 damages each after winning their hotel discrimination case has been paid in nine-bob notes.
January 18 @neillockwood Twitter is one of the greenest websites available –  just look at all the recycled jokes.
January 18 @TruthSandwich I fell in love with a prog rock fanatic. She said, “You had me at ELO.”
January 18 @fowget First day of the stand up training course is entitled “Comedy LOL”.
January 18 @PaulShakeySharp My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?!
He was getting bored of reading the same joke all day too.
January 19 @GlennyRodge A woman just said she had a “good clear out” yesterday. She was probably referring to spring cleaning but there was a certain glow about her
January 19 @neillockwood Baby, it’s COLD outside.  http://bit.ly/fx861Y
January 19 @fowget Last nights dream? I dreamt that @BECKintl had brought out his own range of fruit teas and the box was shaped like his avatar
January 19 @JimBobbers @Jamie9A I’ll get BAAIDS. That’s what sheep get too.
January 19 @grazingbison @fowget @iamchads Why do you think there are always typos in my tweets? And they read like they’re written by a cock anyway.
January 19 @The1nbetweener Replace your first name with your last name and last name with your first to get your American name.
January 19 @TheDollSays A boss just asked a fellow PA for something and she said ‘No, tough luck.’ I’m lost in misty-eyed admiration. Might build a statue of her.
January 19 @quantumbagel @iamchads  I could hear the tortured shrieks of that tweet as you twisted it into shape.  You sicko.
January 19 @quantumbagel Good morning, World, c’mon if you think you’re hard enough.  Bring cake.
January 19 @MooseAllain Twitter is like having hundreds of pen-friends, all of whom can only communicate on the back of bus tickets.
January 19 @MooseAllain Last time I tried to pray to God, I ended up to speaking to someone called Wendy in India.
January 19 @EatMyHalo I’ve made excellent decisions in past unfollows. It’s all the same wankers doing the same whinging.
Shut the everlasting boring fuck up.
January 19 @martindeeson Press Release Wank of the Day: “AA Gill lives in London and spends most of his year travelling.”
January 19 @alexispetridis @martindeeson The problem’s not that he travels, it’s that when he gets there, he looks down his fucking nose at everything he finds.
January 19 @1orchardroad Talking of sandwiches I would be interested to see what Mr J used to wrap kids sandwiches for today as we had no cling film, foil or bags.
January 19 @eops RT @TheFagCasanova: “Can’t come into work today, I am very I’ll.” – Steve Jobs’ sick note. lol took 3 reads to get it
January 19 @padoir I’m the youngest in this cinema by at least 20 years. I am 44.
January 19 @TheMightierEvo An elderly gentleman channelled his inner anus stench and breathed it directly into my face as another man jabbed at me with his paper.
January 19 @CoffeeHooker Maybe I need a carer. Anyone want to care for a tiny Aussie with tourette-like outbursts, who has problems ordering tea? I’ll pay in booze.
January 19 @lucyinglis My best friend has been in labour since yesterday morning. It may be safe to say the novelty has worn off.
January 19 @lucyinglis How is it possible to be exhaustificated after a day spent achieving….well, let’s forget what I didn’t achieve. Did running though.
January 19 @lucyinglis Congratulations to Skye Gyngell on her Michelin star. Thereby confirming her cookbook’s neglect in my kitchen as thoroughly justified.
January 20 @ElliottClarkson @DavieLegend Just get an orange, peel it and throw away the inside bit. Voilà. Marmalade.
January 20 @daveknockles Basically, I’m a work machine, built by robots out of lengths of sheer hard graft. Anyway, I’ll be in the juicer if you need me.
January 20 @Your_Gran My friends car is alarmed. I’m assuming it’s because of her driving.
January 21 @decath10n Just told friend they were ‘lying down next to me prostate’. Hurried correction of missing ‘r’ NOT colloquial description of odd bedfellows.
January 21 @_iamjules @iamchads It’s like you see into my very soul Chadders. Are you made of magic?
January 21 @lucyinglis @_iamjules Sparkles fall from him as he moves about. Like fairy electricity. @iamchads
January 21 @lucyinglis @iamchads NEVER, you dirty boy. However, he did do a lot of drugs and once dreamt I was the pilot of an X-wing fighter. @fowget @_iamjules
January 21 @DavieLegend I am fully dressed, for the first time today, hat & shoes included, in the vain hope that someone will contact me & I will get to socialise.
January 22 @thesuzannemoore Trying to work out which drug David Mitchell reminds me of. It may well be  pro plus.
January 22 @TruthSandwich Marked police car just went up the road. Not one of the best. 2/10
January 22 @kenarmstrong1 @GlennyRodge Are you fuc*king disgusted?  (you have to say that out loud)
January 22 @TheSleepyNinja @fowget @iamchads When stressed out he swaps identity. I affectionately refer to these identities as “Clark-Chads” and “Super-Chads”
January 22 @TheDollSays Cross stitch RT @Shazzle01: @thedollsays Also this one. http://twitpic.com/3sfwmr
January 22 @GlennyRodge Today it dawned on me that I sometimes stand, flamingo-like, on one leg. There’s no punchline to this. I’m basically a fucking idiot.
January 22 @GlennyRodge I reckon me and many of the people I follow are funnier than tonights comedy award winners. Mostly me, obviously. Nob face fanny farts. See?
January 23 @GlennyRodge Singing ‘hey fatty bum bum’ at a cat when you ate an entire large pizza last night seems both futile & hypocritical. And a tad mental.
January 23 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads Your car loves to be driven like that. It  thanks you. (Audi-whispering is another of my skills)
January 23 @michlan At the park. The DD’s have walkietalkies. ‘Send three ‘n’ fourpence, we’re going to a dance’. I think they said.  http://yfrog.com/h2hwbxrj
January 23 @Wardotron I had my first sexual experience behind the local ironworks, crawling over some old slag.
January 23 @CoffeeHooker The best plan at this stage is to fashion the remaining essays into a piñata, beat the crap out of it, then set fire to it. Problem solved.
January 23 @kenarmstrong1 I’ll say this about Hugh Grant’s performance in ‘Sirens’, Elle McPherson has great tits.
January 24 @grazingbison I keep my friends close, but my enemies really fucking far away. I can’t stand those guys.
January 24 @GlennyRodge If I had a pound every time I had a day off work, I’d have a pound now.
Ah, I’d only waste it on sweets.
January 24 @lucyinglis This bus has just run a completely red light at about 20 miles an hour, in Hackney. He’s not even an amber-gambler, this one. We’re doomed.
January 24 @DaintyBallerina The offside rule is perfectly easy to understand. Those silly men at Sky Sports should try getting cat sick out of a silk skirt.
January 24 @GlennyRodge Hope Sue Barker doesn’t ask “What is the offside rule?” on Question Of Sport. She won’t know if they answer correctly, bless her heart.
January 25 @fowget Does @iamchads get one of those blue ticks now that I can confirm his existance and that he’s not a complete weirdo?
January 25 @OctoberJones Bloke on train is all up in my personal space. I wouldn’t usually bother but these trousers are only supposed to fit one person.
January 26 @StarchildCoop I had a dream I was reading a book. I’ve finally reached my goal: I’m more boring in my dreams than in real-life.
January 26 @mrcudlip Dear Dark Forces, Please can you deal with Alan Green, now that Operation GrayKeys is complete. Thanks, Mr C
January 26 @blindfumble I’m knackered. I’ll bid you all a Jew. 

Night x

January 27 @BECKintl Today’s daily cartoon, the one my wife doesn’t like, is a @Wikiballs written by utterly underrated @EggShapes. Enjoy. http://t.co/sGXiUMG
January 27 @debsylee Want to know the time Helvetically? http://helvetictoc.com/
January 28 @PaulShakeySharp I don’t care if Monday’s blue,
Tuesday’s shit and Wednesday too,
Thursday I don’t care about you,
Friday I’m still at fucking work.
January 28 @PaulShakeySharp When listening to Everyday by Buddy Holly I like to imagine he’s keeping rhythm by smacking a teenager round the face.
January 28 @peter_watts If I had done some work instead of fannying around on twitter all day yesterday, I could spend today fannying around on twitter.
January 28 @TruthSandwich If I can’t arrive at work ten minutes late and not give a contents monkey’s, the terrorists have won.
January 28 @thereisnohurry If your wedding goes off without a hitch, you’ll have a story no one wants to hear and pictures and video no one wants to see.
January 28 @chaosgerbil RT @bluejag: Thought I saw Andy Gray’s name on a loaf of bread earlier but when I looked more closely it said THICK CUT.<- CUT or CU*T
January 28 @BECKintl Folks we have a new daily cartoon. @gdorean, boss, hope you don‘t mind that I’ve cartoonified one of your tweets again. http://t.co/BwN6iTJ
January 29 @grazingbison I turn the Smirn off and turn the Gavisc on.
January 29 @ElliottClarkson The moment you’ve ALL been waiting for. Me chanelling Rhod Gilbert. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKXlxFtrnag
January 29 @_iamjules A man lies next to me, snoring gently. After a hard week at work his furrowed brow is now smooth & his face is a picture of contentment…
January 29 @_iamjules But if he continues to snore like that I will find it hard not to smack him about the heed with a shoe I can see on the floor in the corner!
January 29 @lucyinglis No surprise (but hilarious) to learn that my tiny, betweeded and behatted father-in-law is known in town as Le Grand Anglais. @curlywurlyfi
January 29 @GlennyRodge @iamchads Ha! My weedy fingers couldn’t quite manage the ‘r’ in ‘her’. Basically, I spacked it, mate.
January 29 @QuintinForbes This deserves a RT @dotmund I have redesigned Manchester United’s kit. This is a free service.  http://twitpic.com/3uku0a
January 30 @FliesOpen Lying on the bed, explaining to the cat why my tweets are funny.
January 30 @GlennyRodge First set: Andy Murray 4 Jock O’Vitch 6. Win-win situation for Scotland.
January 30 @fowget The only way Murray could choke more was if he was playing John Holmes
January 30 @fowget For Sale: One Wife, doesn’t like Elbow
January 30 @robinbogg BREAKING: New research finds that correct usage of the word decimated has fallen by way over 10 per cent in last few years
January 30 @brainpicker How small businesses lose money, in an infographic http://j.mp/hZV8uZ (via @NewMindMirror)
January 30 @BECKintl Good afternoon. @ratbanjos has written today’s daily cartoon which is named Sunday Service. Enjoy. http://t.co/p87Au5H
January 30 @MrLondonStreet If they’d made “Big” about me Zoltar would have granted my wish and you’d have had 2 hours of me in a hot tub with Belinda Carlisle.
January 31 @BECKintl Today’s daily cartoon is a @TwopTwips tweet written by @Johnny_Two_Dogs and goes about swimming with dolphins. http://t.co/RjQobHw
January 31 @TheConnArtist It was down to Chaka Demus to take care of all the partnership business negotiations. Pliers wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box.
January 31 @GlennyRodge Just walked into a pub where they were holding a daredevil group meeting. You should have seen the evels I got.
February 1 @TheSleepyNinja Started day with perfectly cooked pancetta and parmesan omelette. Pleasure was tainted by the fact that this day has had its high point now.
February 1 @ElliottClarkson My work pass looks like the blurred out face in a “my teacher used to touch me” news story. Maybe that’s how they want me to feel.
February 1 @GlennyRodge @iamchads So he’s more Starsky, you’re more Hutch?
February 1 @fowget I just told the Wife she should be more like a Pikey Wife and be more subservient. On an unrelated note, my balls are now really sore #bfgw
February 2 @TheConnArtist “Sharm el-Sheikh brings all the troops to the yard / Our conflict is bigger than yours”
February 2 @_iamjules Morning. I’m late, it’s raining & I’ve seen 3 ‘you’re/your’ tweets already. It’s probably a good idea to avoid me today *fumes* 
February 2 @grazingbison Post breakfast amuse-bouche this morning consisted of a piece of white chocolate & a teaspoonful of peanut butter eaten out of the jar.
February 2 @fowget My most noteworthy horticultural achievement was when I taught my plants how to dance, a Roots Manuva you might say
February 2 @BECKintl @iamchads Where the BMW standlights come from 😉  http://tiny.cc/86t1i
February 2 @quantumbagel Au revoir, mes amis grumeleux, je vous verrai plus tard!
February 2 @TheSleepyNinja RT @iamchads: @fowget @StarchildCoop @beckintl @thedollsays  Bosh! (Sorry Beck!)  http://plixi.com/p/74277150
February 2 @TheDollSays Ahh, Midsomer Murders. Like eating a lovely cake, then seeing a car accident but then forgetting about that and finishing the lovely cake.
February 2 @brainpicker Introducing @projeqt – a creative storytelling platform for presentations, portfolios, education & more http://j.mp/f9i91f
February 3 @the_overfed @MooseAllain Assuage is when someone tries to make you feel better about your inability to spell sausage
February 3 @MadMedic1 Total shitballs. Awake far too early. This doesn’t bode well for my patients or patience later. Hehehe. Did you see what I did there?
February 3 @MadMedic1 My eyes feel like pissholes in the snow. I’m guessing I look like shit warmed up too! Today can be described as utter bollocks…
February 3 @GlennyRodge I’m at the farm today. A baby sheep is having a fight with his dad. They’re really going at it. A ram, a lamb, a ding-dong, and no mistake.
February 3 @TheSleepyNinja RT @_L_M_C_: RT @RichardWiseman: Brilliant – simply brilliant. http://yfrog.com/hs1jncwj (via Tim C)
February 3 @fowget #tweetsfromhistory @PaulChambers The airport is still shut but just thought of a really funny joke, it’ll slay them. Hope it gets me a shag
February 3 @BECKintl “Look daddy, I have drawn Hitler with a cruise missile stuck in his head.” #thejoyofhavingkids
February 3 @warren_bennett Is there any way we can combine Question Time with The Golden Shot? And whatever happened to Anne Aston?
February 4 @BinaryDad Is there a piece of software available to tell Adobe to fuck the shit off?
February 4 @TheDollSays @fowget @Tummycustard Oh, DIDDUMS to the lot of them.
February 4 @betchaboy ‎”The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine.” – Abraham Lincoln
February 4 @BECKintl Today I’ve cartoonified a tweet of @Lemonosity to be this Friday’s daily cartoon, or is it a comic? Please find out here http://t.co/uHtY2XT
February 4 @TruthSandwich Don’t often do #FFs but if you fancy trying your hand at getting one-liners or sketches on to the radio, follow @NewsjackBBC now.
February 4 @Mr_Neurosceptic We’d do well to remember we don’t really live in a dog eat dog world, although we must remember that ugly women do tend to shop at Iceland.
February 5 @parkyerbike I went to a karaoke bar last night and discovered they didn’t play any 70s music. At first I was afraid… I was petrified
February 5 @TheSleepyNinja Late night in the office (I started at 9am) the wind is whistling in tune with Canon in D, either that or I am hallucinating again.
February 5 @TheDollSays @TheSleepyNinja @Twistedlilkitty It’s really hard to maintain all three of them and remain plausible but I think I manage it.
February 5 @TheConnArtist Sturdy oak. Weeping willow. Fragrant pine. OK, enough of the pleasant trees – let’s get down to business.
February 5 @decath10n I’m sat by a man wearing these shoes, an oversized biker jacket and a smile that comes only with DIY lobotomies. http://yfrog.com/h2m3mbaj
February 6 @brainpicker What would your occupation in the Star Wars universe be? There’s a flowchart for that! http://j.mp/hWXBgZ
February 6 @neillockwood Red or white? http://bit.ly/eK2hvh
February 6 @kenarmstrong1 I never bought The Irish Mail on Sunday before and, after today, I’ll never buy it again. (Didn’t buy it today either, lest we’re unclear).
February 6 @TipYourHat I’m drinking a beer while building an exercise machine. That’s fine, right?
February 6 @TheDollSays Hey, men! When you’ve had a go with the L’oreal Men Expert Cooling Eye Roll On, why not get a crush on Colin Firth and have a period?
February 6 @DJMissfrenchie I remember when that used to be played on French radio. Oh yes, the full version! — Lil Louis – French Kiss http://t.co/pdsMN5J

 

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