A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 3

Ah, now this was the beginning of Manflu season. There may be a few references to it in this update, and the next.

October 1 @fowget It’s pissing down, I’m at the dentist at 9am and were being audited. Today has the makings of a classic
October 1 @undercoverman That was the laziest copy and paste follow friday ever. Can’t have spent more than a minute on it. In fact this ‘apology’ has taken longer.
October 1 @TheDollSays Just got out of a training session. I don’t know what it was about. I didn’t move during the entire hour so it probably wasn’t juggling.
October 1 @GlennyRodge @iamchads Ha ha, yep. But rhyming with tutt (as in ‘a load of old’). Great word. “You’re talking a load of old poop”
October 1 @GlennyRodge @iamchads As kids, when our mum was doing a ‘woe betide you’ rant, she would bet us ‘ten to one to a pinch of poop’ something would happen
October 3 @GlennyRodge Thinking of setting up an internet based market research company, employing only polite cockneys. I’ll call it After YouGov.
October 6 @DJMissfrenchie Just seen a Ferrari in Tonbridge: “did you get lost, love?”!
October 6 @The1nbetweener Don’t get these stories that say Amy Winehouse now looks amazing. Yes, if you like the scabby horse look, then, wow.
October 6 @TheDollSays Eating porridge at my desk. Boss leans in and says ‘Is that breakfast?’ No, it’s a pastiche of the Suez fuel crisis in oats and milk.
October 6 @TheDollSays Oh well done boys, ‘Synergy’. Why didn’t you just call yourselves ‘Silver Mondeo’ and be done with it? #apprentice
October 6 @fowget “Grab your coats and get some meat”. I thought this was #TheApprentice not Britains Roughest Hen Partys on Bravo
October 7 @twiteryeanot Twitter is great, where else can you say good morning to 900 odd strangers before you get out of bed? (apart from prison)
October 7 @TruthSandwich The best accidental advert placement in the history of mankind http://bit.ly/agTbR4
October 7 @TruthSandwich There’s a nudist colony a couple of miles from where I live. They found a concealed hole in the fence yesterday – police are looking into it
October 7 @sharonGOONer Got startled today by this girl loudly chanting “That’s not my name! That’s not my name!” I didn’t panic. It was just one of those Tings.
October 7 @GlennyRodge Let’s not name names but do you think it’s impolite to stick your hand down the front of your jammies when your mate visits you in hospital?
October 8 @CllrRMallender RT @JimBobbers: NICE reject Man Flu ‘miracle drug’ on NHS. “No free beer” says minister. Petition this injustice. #ManFluAwareness
October 8 @eops @Fowget @iamchads *damp handshakes all round* #ff
October 8 @mattwhatsit 10yo struggling to put piece of chicken on his naan bread. “Use the fork…” I say innocently,”Alright Obi-Wan” he fires back.
October 9 @GlennyRodge Watching Commonwealth Games. England just won the wiggling bum walking race. We’re also favourites in dad dancing & the 4×100 casual racism
October 9 @tortytweets @iamchads In them? Um….some Ultravox, and a bit of Strauss.
October 9 @tortytweets @iamchads You must have caught it from Dr Chu Manflu, the evil genius and creator of #manflu
October 9 @WadyWiwwow Listening to my mate argue with her brother he is as thick as shite in the neck of a bottle! trying not to laugh at him! hahaha!
October 9 @StarchildCoop I bought the most beautiful photo-frame today. I’m telling you this now, as I just tripped over the bastarding thing.
October 10 @helencairns I just did a total facepavement in the middle of Greenwich on what appears to be national helmet day.
October 10 @IamSilverFox RT @beckicrossley: Sean Lock just summed up Twitter, it’s for people who’s minds are leaking.
October 10 @AL64 “Hello, It’s me Gérard Depardieu! The best thing about being Gérard Depardieu is that I have my very own unhappy emoticon to use, look (/:э(
October 11 @TheDollSays Must remember when interviewing that simply baring my teeth doesn’t qualify as smiling and asking the questions using Pictionary is unfair.
October 11 @TheDollSays I’m wearing a boy’s blazer with the sleeves rolled up. I may as well just write ‘media twat’ on my face & beat myself to death in Starbucks.
October 11 @Orbette Usually I can multitask but juggling a Dib dab and a DS is tricky. If mom came in she’d think I was snorting crack off my own tits.
October 11 @TheDollSays A toddler on the bus today was having such a frighteningly huge tantrum, my ovaries handed in their notice and applied to be kidneys.
October 12 @deathboy Fucking gaylords, how do THEY work? http://url.ie/7uft
October 12 @deathboy FEMINISTS! Save everybody a lot of time by openly stating that you irrationally hate men, so we can discard your opinions.
October 12 @deathboy WOMEN! Alienate men by assuming the worst. When that fails, hold them responsible for the crimes of the worst examples of their gender.
October 12 @StarchildCoop @iamchads *comforts you* I know, I know.
October 13 @DavieLegend I hope they’ve got some warm blankets for those miners, because, you know? It’s Chile. #chileanminers #sorry
October 13 @fowget Those Chilean Miners look suspiciously healthy. I think they’ve been staying in a mine-themed hotel all this time. Another beer Juan?
October 13 @lucyinglis Mr I still stuck in Barcelona. Would bless his cotton socks but I don’t think I’m going to want to go anywhere near them when he gets home.
October 13 @TheDollSays Just eaten organic wholewheat pasta. It would have been more appetising to chew my way through a pesto-covered sporran.
October 14 @TheDollSays @iamchads It’s not smiling if it doesn’t include your eyes. Or if you have the chewed hand of another candidate dangling from your jaws.
October 15 @_iamjules @TheMarydoll @teenybella @jezzebela
Do you catch young boys, squeeze them through a mangle & then smear their youth on your face before bed?
October 15 @TheConnArtist http://bit.ly/bT6ygX That must be some tasty salt. Not sure I’d climb a vertical wall for a can of Stella.
October 15 @Orbette I am Captain Tits today. Got a bra on so padded you’d think my breasts had serious mental problems.
October 15 @SteveToyne Jesus said to John “come forth and I will give you eternal life.” John came fifth, he won a toaster.
October 15 @fowget Audioboo: ManFlu http://t.co/FvUvPg5 via @Audioboo
October 15 @lucyinglis ‘To New York! For a Sothebys sale the size of my little finger & a Christie’s sale the size of my thumb. I must be insane.’ #stepfather
October 16 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads if it pauses mid game to give me advice on coping strategies I am running it over.
October 18 @TheDollSays I’m due in at 8am tomorrow to prepare breakfast for a meeting. By ‘prepare’ I mean run round Soho paying tramps to lick the danish pastries.
October 19 @Krud *gestures vaguely at the internet* Why, I can remember when all this was nothin’ but black and green text, far as the eye could see…
October 20 @paulsinha Manchester United is 132 years old. It was only a matter of time before Rooney tried to fuck it up the arse.
October 21 @debihope The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People does not say anything about setting up the coffee the night before, and is therefore highly suspect.
October 21 @homosoup I beat the kids until they were purple to show my support to stop the bullying.
October 21 @TheSleepyNinja One of my patients just sacked me from their care as I am not an omnipotent deity. I may put that as one of my goals in my appraisal
October 22 @TheConnArtist My friend says that inhaling helium is a lot of fun. He speaks very highly of it.
October 22 @PaulShakeySharp It’s only when you drive across a level crossing with a coffee in your hand do you discover how inappropriately named they are.
October 22 @TheDollSays Just spent some time breathing into my cup of tea so my glasses steamed up. That’s the kind of urgent dynamism you need as a top flight PA.
October 22 @quantumbagel Sad news.  The pom-poms have been aborted, discarded like so many week-old wool foetuses from the womb of haberdashery.
October 22 @TheDollSays Let’s send the 30 people who protested outside Rooney’s house to France. With their record, the retirement age will be down to 25 by Sunday.
October 22 @quantumbagel I’m jealous, of course.  If I said anything like that everybody would fall about laughing, and take turns to vomit on my shoes.
October 22 @jacques_aih Wayne Rooney has pulled the oldest trick in the book. And he’s used a clever tactic in his contract negotiations too. #mufc
October 23 @GlennyRodge Sat bolt upright in bed and said “radios need subtitles”. Now that’s how to wake up in the morning. *looks under duvet* And that.
October 23 @SteveToyne I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday tomorrow, I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it
October 23 @MaDom It’s sad to see that so many people get hubris on Twitter.
Get a life. A real one.
October 24 @NrgyFiend ROFL! RT @BillMc7: What most people don’t know is that the kettle is a fucking asshole, and the pot was being WAAAY too politically correct.
October 24 @sharonGOONer Boy George is taking his hyperactive lizard back to the petshop. He’s hoping to swap it for a calmer chameleon.
October 25 @lucyinglis Safe to say I am the only person in Obs with original dentistry or a shred of cashmere about them.
October 25 @StarchildCoop I seem to have got stuck behind some kind of paedomobile this morning. It was *nothing* like the Batmobile.
October 25 @_iamjules @SyzygySweetie *wipes spit off face* You do? Do you think I should keep it then? I’m trying to be an enigma
October 25 @_iamjules @iamchads And anyway dude…
Beefy muffdiving lezzers? Seriously? Haven’t you learned ANYTHING yet?
*twinkles* *jiggles teacups*
October 25 @TheStevenWeber During one embarrassing episode in his adolescence, the Scarecrow was once caught grasping at straws.
October 26 @KeithBlanchard RT @SlappNuttz: I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.
October 26 @Twistedlilkitty Schrodinger’s Toilet: That sense of dread you feel before opening the closed lid of a public toilet.
October 26 @TruthSandwich You know when someone on Twitter asks a rhetorical statement to make a point, then answers it with ‘Me neither’? Me neither.
October 26 @twiteryeanot Is the definition of genitalia the trademark of genuine Italian goods?
October 26 @paul_clarke oh one more pimp, why not, for the night owls: a ranty data protection blog piece – http://rb.tl/bkiQy8
October 27 @sharonGOONer @iamchads Sade gave up music to open a fruit drink bar in town. She is a smoothy operator.
October 27 @TheDollSays I see ‘Vodaphone’ is trending. There was me thinking it was Vodafone that had got everyone upset! I don’t know where to put my face.
October 27 @TeenyBella This is my crash. In pictures. In your FACE insurance company. Should I colour it in? http://twitpic.com/31aqvd
October 27 @mattwhatsit @sharongooner You chose well. It was shitting it down last night. Isle de Canve was soaked.
October 27 @brainpicker Gorgeous paper typography by Bianca Chang http://is.gd/gnfok
October 28 @lucyinglis The first thing I can tell you is that I would rather watch a chimp cook plastic fried eggs on a pretend gas ring than Princess Valium here.
October 28 @warren_bennett RT @DeeGF Dislike the Nigella bashing.I see a lady my age,who’s borne deaths of Mum,sis & husband by cancer & is still upbeat.It’s TV,ffs.
October 28 @GlennyRodge Broadband keeps going down. Going back to basics. Expect a 140 character letter in the post. Please retweet if you like it, i.e send it back
October 28 @TeenyBella @iamchads FANNYCUNTFACE
October 28 @eops Watched child genius show and missed an idiot abroad – ironically I could have watched genius on +1 but have no clever way to watch an idiot
October 29 @undercoverman Yes, a great way of checking whether the kettle has boiled is to touch it. Burned fingers? Tea time.
October 29 @lucyinglis So many unfinished projects strewn around me I am beginning to make Michelangelo look like a closer.
October 29 @lucyinglis #thingswomenshouldstopdoing Wearing high heels that make them walk like a bandy-legged navvy after 2 pints of moonshine.
October 29 @sharonGOONer I like to think of Saw movies as the “Why don’t you” of our younger generation.
October 30 @lucyinglis @JimBobbers *cries**burns soiled pink velour tracksuit*
October 30 @JessicaNorthey Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.
Bill Gates #quote
October 31 @sharonGOONer A famous author has completely forgotten what to do with his willy. It’s a serious case of writer’s cock.
October 31 @TheSleepyNinja Trying to find a house where the streets don’t have signs, I found my way by using tarot cards
November 1 @OctoberJones Well, here I am again. Back at my fucking desk. I hope you’re happy Jesus. You cunt.
November 1 @TruthSandwich In Oxford killing time.  This place must have the lowest ratio of chins to people in the world.
November 1 @EatMyHalo @sharongooner RIP Fred. Happily, my pet bathroom spider, Boddicker, is still alive. They make little love webs round your heart don’t they?
November 1 @ncguk Christmas is the shortened name for Christmasturbate, the one day of the year Jesus allowed himself a cheeky wank.
November 1 @lucyinglis @iamjules_ DEAR GOD. *tugs on your legs**writes note for @iamchads about spycam**snatches down fistfuls of tramadol*
November 1 @lucyinglis @mrs_ivy_trellis WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BURN THEIR BRA? Unless they have no nerps. In which case, bad luck for them. Ha!
November 1 @tackie_jackie God, I’m a chatty bitch today.
Sorry about that.But it’s either talk to you guys or say this shit to real people.
And real people scream
November 2 @Orbette @crazycolours 50k words? Fuck that off.
November 2 @mattwhatsit On The Tube. If you’re in The North it’s like a big metal sausage that lives in the pavement and carries people to work and crime scenes.
November 2 @brainpicker The Creative Process Illustrated: How Advertising’s Big Ideas Are Born – peek inside the creative mind http://is.gd/gCnyI
November 3 @DavieLegend @TheDollSays @TheJohnnyMc It went “a bit mental” like Hitler “beat up some Jews”.
November 3 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads it deserves bacon. Croque Ninja?
November 3 @TheSleepyNinja I just managed to use trebuchet in a clinical case management context. I deserve I pat on the head.
November 3 @robinince “we are not entitled to our opinions, we are entitled to our informed opinions. No one has the right to be ignorant” Harlan Ellison
November 4 @TheSleepyNinja @cripesonfriday are you a closet coulrophobic?
November 4 @lucyinglis @iamchads Valuable lesson in ‘there is no right answer, only a justifiable method to achieve results’. The kid’ll be a cert for MI6.
November 5 @DavieLegend @TeenyBella WANKS OVER FATTIES DM TITS
November 5 @chaosgerbil This one is especially for @mrsbinzgerbil http://gizmo.do/bNR4CN
November 5 @Orbette Dear @Jason_Manford, here’s a picture of my tits, you know, seeing as you’re into that http://yfrog.com/f3j7mvj
November 6 @RachelvsPublic I said something lesbiany last night. I’m not a lesbian. No lesbians were harmed last night. Goodnight.
November 6 @_iamjules @TeenyBella WTF?!  That’s just wrong wrong wrong. Mousse is for strawberries & chocolate! Not fish heeds *pukes*
November 6 @tortytweets Ooooh Aaaaah Sparkly!  http://twitpic.com/34ia5q
November 6 @lucyinglis @iamjules_ Old boyfriend called me ‘bitch’ once, mid-tup. I punched him so hard in the mouth I split my knuckle. @TeenyBella
November 6 @SyzygySweetie @iamchads @CoffeeHooker Completely and utterly ditto. My whole drunken life could be summed up as “shameful but hilarious”
November 7 @FliesOpen I feel like the local idiot. Everyone around me is having serious conversations while I babble away to myself in the corner.Wibble.
November 7 @FliesOpen Being caught naked, weeping in front of a broken wooden spoon ‘friend’ is an effective way to lose that unslightly dignity.
November 7 @FliesOpen Had some indoor fireworks. Quite frankly, I could have turned the oven on and off a few times instead.
November 7 @fowget @iamjules_ @iamchads I’ll do a money shot on the next batch
November 7 @mattwhatsit Only 16 minutes before all the gays get up. Let’s talk about boobs and stuff, quick.
November 7 @TeenyBella Jesus was only 33 when he karked it? See, that’s what beige gets you. In your FACE JESUS.
November 7 @fowget @wobblyvirtue Very well written Woody, glad to see you well. You could always use the tired card in bed too and make Gladys go on top
November 7 @sharonGOONer I know we ponder life’s mysteries but the most disturbing one for me is what was the first man to milk a cow thinking?
November 7 @theshedender Haha Joe Cole was looking ridiculous. Was the worst dressed man at Chelsea…probably best dressed at the bin dippers
November 8 @expatina I can’t help it–every time I see a photo of Karl Rove, I envision an apple in his mouth.  #andgravycloseby
November 9 @Scotwriter Its my birthday – I am 24 years old and there is not a day goes by that I don’t give thanks for my dyslexia
November 9 @_footnote @SyzygySweetie There’s only one cure for discombobulation… recombobulation.
November 9 @peterkford #gamesnobodywants Bounders
November 10 @MooseAllain I’m a bit OCD, so whenever I undress someone with my eyes I always spend ages folding their clothes neatly. They lose interest. I’m alone.
November 10 @BobaFrigginFett What is this fuckery? RT @zackalltimelow: Just relaxing before I go back on call.  http://plixi.com/p/56050862
November 10 @TheDollSays I’m at my desk in a gigantic cardigan and an oversized scarf. I’m a couple of pillows and a valance away from actually wearing a bed.
November 10 @PaulShakeySharp A truck in front and left of me. Stationary cars to my right. Business man. Old couple. Teen goth picking his nose. Sick boy. #SayWhatYouSee
November 10 @DarkBeige who is that nob with tattoos who does links on mtv about nothing and seems like a total weapon?
November 10 @StarchildCoop Keep getting my trousers attached to the filing cabinet. What’s embarrassing is I have to pretend I’m just lurking at the back of the office
November 10 @StarchildCoop @cacologik Shonky? Oh no…what have I done?
November 10 @Papa_Shango Note to Motorists.Unless you’ve kidnapped it, nobody gives a fuck if you’ve got a child on board.
November 10 @Papa_Shango I said to my wife last night, “I fancy a takeaway.”She said, “Are you talking Chinese?”

I said, “No, did it sound Chinese?”

November 10 @StarchildCoop Colleague’s filling me in about when he was in a coma for 2 hours, as a child. I’m starting to think he’s still in it? Or I am?
November 11 @TonyCowards Never getting into a fight on the moving stairs in a department store, it can escalate very quickly.
November 11 @lucyinglis @iamchads If you substitute a Mark II Ford Escort and a pink suede miniskirt – I was that girl. No dog though.
November 11 @mattwhatsit In the morning I shall delete all of these tweets. Especially this one. I WANT TO SHAG MY SISTER!
November 12 @TruthSandwich Do you remember that time it was so cold we had to dance under canvas to keep warm? ‘Twas the winter of disco tent.
November 12 @TruthSandwich Gale force wind batters Britain. Thousands of miles away, a fine mist dips New Zealand in egg, then breadcrumbs.
November 12 @sharonGOONer “I put some money on a horse at 20/1. It came in at quarter to two.” That was on Tommy Cooper dvd. I think I am his lovechild.
November 12 @StarchildCoop My Cousin’s been asleep since about 9. She’s got her back to me. Is this what it’s like being married?
November 12 @fowget @StarchildCoop Yes
November 12 @fowget The Wife just asked me to get her some nipple cream. I just got a smack because I did the woohoo noise instead of being sympathic. Arse
November 13 @roncaldwell Fatigué=adipose homosexual #fracturedfrench
November 13 @lucyinglis @iamchads Ha! Blonde bint in ancient red Merc estate. Probably going too fast.
November 13 @TheDollSays ‘Screen siren’ Patsy Kensit? I assume that refers to the ‘outrageous botox’ siren that goes off whenever she appears on screen. #SCD
November 14 @fowget I am listening to The Cure whilst  doing my ironing and one thought crosses my mind. I wonder if Robert Smith can iron?
November 14 @Average_Batman RT: @starchildcoop Best T Shirt in the WORLD….Thanks @average_batman http://yfrog.com/3wzhj – might put some on eBay?…
November 14 @nitsohara He’s just tried to make it up to me by giving me a finger of Fudge. #definitelynotaeuphemismyoudirtbirds
November 14 @TeenyBella @iamchads Slutbag
November 14 @lucyinglis @iamchads Wh*re.
November 14 @fowget @iamchads Corporate whore
November 15 @lucyinglis Just seen the mewling hatchling Hydra that is Jedward. Until now I hadn’t seen the value in those vouchers for Nikita’s Assassin Academy.
November 15 @lucyinglis @iamchads Text message this morning: 4 pds each window, inside and out. 6 pds each gutter. Leave key under mat. Pay Dave in The Fox.
November 15 @lucyinglis @iamchads Second text message: Sorry, wrong daughter! Don’t leave your key under the mat, you’ll get a crack addict. Love, Ma x
November 16 @fowget There is a really hot teacher who has just started at Sandy’s school, and a school is not the best place to be walking from with a hard on
November 16 @StarchildCoop I look Foxy this morning. Not in a sexy way, more mange-like.
November 16 @EatMyHalo Congratulations to Billiam Von Deutschland and Privileged Horsebox. I wish you a long and happy photography session. Starting from….now!
November 16 @fowget @JimBobbers @MacMyk @farnworthphotos @iamchads I like a challenge. I offered to convert my mates Sister once, he wasn’t impressed
November 16 @lucyinglis @iamchads You do realise I got momentarily confused with Terry Waite there. *shoots self*
November 16 @lucyinglis @iamchads Mr’s godson decided to support Liverpool. ‘I’m sadder about that than the fact you’re ginger,’ he was told.
November 16 @hblx Well done love, you are set up for life. However, your life is now completely fucked.
November 16 @kenarmstrong1 You know you’re getting old when the people you used to twiddle over now look like the thing you were twiddling.
November 17 @sharonGOONer One pair of trousers needs wonderweb. One pair has no zip. None of this would happen under a labour government.
November 17 @TheDollSays SPORTS NEWS: John Terry is out with a nerve problem. He’s getting on everyone’s.
November 17 @PaulShakeySharp I’ve got a very low tolerance for arrogance, incompetence, immaturity and self importance. And for words with more than 5 letters.
November 17 @The_Queen_G Take That’s new album is called ‘Progress’. Which is ironic given it contains the same sort of shit they released first time around.
November 17 @jacques_aih Siouxsie Sioux goes for a pioux in the lioux.
November 17 @PaulShakeySharp There’s plenty of fish in the sea. I got lucky, I caught my prize catch, and then filleted her and I don’t know where I’m going with this.
November 17 @PaulShakeySharp I’m utterly crap with money. It burns a hole in my pocket. My long term financial planning consists of the following;
1. Win the lottery.
November 17 @TheBosha Client: noun \klī-ənt\ A person who insists on paying as little as possible but is offended when you can’t hang with them at the yacht club.
November 17 @TheSleepyNinja Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Diana’s ring since Dodi Al Fayed!
November 17 @lucyinglis Completed the Westminster run in under an hour and five minutes. Doesn’t exactly make me the Millennium Falcon. I know this.
November 17 @TheSleepyNinja Just bought a new aftershave that smells of breadcrumbs.. The birds love it.
November 17 @sharonGOONer “Fuck Jesus! Fuck God! And fuck this fire it’s fucking hot!” Oh. Talk of the Devil.
November 17 @MandyPandy32 @RogerQuimbly I try not to reply in an over eager manner to those I like on Twitter,but sometimes I can’t help myself. It’s a sycophantictic
November 17 @AL64 Considering they have nine lives to play with, I’m surprised cats aren’t a little more experimental in their mating rituals.
November 18 @TheJohnnyMc You deep squatting bumble fuck. #swearyday
November 18 @TruthSandwich I’m having my pubes curled. The hairdresser doesn’t look happy about it. “You’re doing a grand job, love!” I shout above the retching.
November 18 @fowget @iamjules_ OK what have you done with Jules? Chadders get’s filthy Jules and I get prim business Jules
November 18 @TeenyBella Dry fucking shampoo? My hair looks like someone has emptied my bastarding Dyson on it.
November 18 @TheDollSays CERN can stand down. My washing machine is going through such a violent spin cycle, I’m fairly sure it’s going to create the Higgs Bosun.
November 19 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads Didn’t see a shrink until I was 17.  He was crazier than me. He looked like an 80’s midfielder and had wooden snakes on the wall.
November 19 @TheSleepyNinja @TruthSandwich he was more interested in my Step-Mum’s boobs and my Dad’s Wallet. I never did work out the wooden snakes.
November 19 @TruthSandwich @TheSleepyNinja *leans forward* *furrows brow* Tell me more about your stepmother’s boobs…

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