A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 2

Summer 2010

This top one is in bold as it was my birthday, and I like to think (entirely wrongly) that it was meant as a birthday present. It is one of the funniest tweets I have ever read. Genius.

July 4 @TheDollSays Waiting for @TheSleepyNinja. In lieu of Chanel No5 & a chaise longue, I’ve spritzed myself with Febreeze & sprawled across the coffee table.
July 5 @mattwhatsit Any tips for getting a 4yo boy to stop sucking his thumb? We’ve tried “You look gay” and “You disgust me” by the way.
July 5 @brightideas888 A peacock just jumped on the roof- shit me right up!
July 5 @ianvisits RT @PizzaExpress Help us celebrate our 45th birthday with pizza for 45p http://bit.ly/2xg2B9
July 5 @TheDollSays @iamchads @torisayce I definitely think two PAs in spike heels holding folders and looking cold are essential for any magnate.
July 5 @tortytweets @TheDollSays @iamchads Me too. But the first hint of actual work, and I’ll walk. Sexual harrassment is fine though.
July 5 @TheDollSays Job interview tomorrow. I plan on being so confident and impressive, the interviewers will be picturing ME naked.
July 6 @td_ward Listening to @cmb and @Ahm76 ‘s podcast here http://bit.ly/ajaVVz He’s posh-sounding, she’s american-sounding. It’s good. And funny.
July 6 @TheDollSays Interview went well. They were impressed with my experience but it was my human beatbox rendition of System Addict that really wowed them.
July 6 @mookiegoose “@5tevenw: What do you call a fat alien? An extra cholesterol.” AMAWS = allowed myself a wry smile. Can’t bring myself to use LOL.
July 7 @TheDollSays I’d better hurry up and get ready. These recruitment consultants aren’t going to wearily tolerate themselves.
July 7 @tortytweets @iamchads No one should ever have to see it. Any of it. Fuck-if I wanted to see wrinkly old cock and grey pubes,I’d bloody get paid for it.
July 8 @TheDollSays Which comes first, child obesity leading to a lack of exercise or vice versa? It’s a chicken McNugget and Kinder egg situation.
July 8 @TheDollSays I can’t think of any sort of meeting that wouldn’t benefit from a balloon modelling break. “Next we’ll discuss budgets but first…GIRAFFE!”
July 8 @TheDollSays How exactly does Always expect me to have a happy period? Unless their product doubles up as a range of mood-swing themed glove puppets.
July 9 @mattwhatsit Nelson Mandela being introduced to players on Sunday, FIFA rep: “..and Arjen Robben”, NM: “No, ah was released years ahgo! Boom-ah-Boom!”
July 9 @germgirl Car ready it was clearly serviced by a midget. I’m not tall but if I sat in the front seat now I’d be wearing my knees as earrings.
July 10 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads at the mere thought he would be running up your street, swinging fine danish like a pair of nunchuks.
July 10 @TheDollSays RT @scalene_adv: @TheDollSays And there’s plenty more where that came from… http://twitpic.com/240sgq < Ace! That’ll fool the landlord.
July 10 @TheDollSays @Mansonovic Things are sucking fetid donkey cock right now love. I wouldn’t recognise good luck if it goosed me and gave me a tenner.
July 10 @TheDollSays According to old US TV, any scene can be sexy with sax music. Man gutting a cod? Dull. Man gutting a cod with sax music? Stroke those gills.
July 10 @tartan_miss @ardvarc hold your breath and push down your diaphragm. Hiccups are only an irritation of the diaphragm : )
July 10 @Absinthe_Fairie http://twitpic.com/2468ng
July 10 @quantick I often confuse adjectives with minerals, if I’m perfectly onyx.
July 10 @twiteryeanot I think I need to rest my eyes, but my brain is telling me, NEED MORE INPUT JOHNNY FIVE…
July 12 @francis_zob Je laisse mon appart à ma cousine de 16 ans pendant une semaine, et voilà http://i.imgur.com/Xl0iz.jpg
July 12 @grmster @MarioBB9 Little Jimmy was admitted to hospital today with 6 toy horses lodged up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
July 12 @Absinthe_Fairie Next time I have 2 use my kids’ bubblegum toothpaste, could one of you guys remind me that gargling w/ lighter fluid would be more pleasant?
July 13 @DavidSpade i hate when some of these motorcycle guys swerve past me in traffic, cut me off, and pass me on a hill.  then the cry when they get killed
July 13 @iamchads RT @iamchads: @iamchads …obviously they haven’t got to the emergency situation training part yet..<<Fuck it.Tweeted myself, may as well RT
July 13 @ITGuyMark RT @PCAdvisor: How to create and manage System Restore points http://bit.ly/a9A8GE
July 14 @peterjamesuk Peter Tobin typifies Keith Waterhouse’s words: “Brighton has the air of a town that is perpetually helping the police with their enquiries.”
July 14 @Bellerants Boss: “It’s not how Craig David said, is it? Met her on Thursday, took her for a drink on Monday, dumped her for a family meal on Wed.” HAHA
July 14 @brainpicker How to prevent memory loss, a guide from @Wired http://bit.ly/9TUI94
July 14 @Bellerants @JeremyMonkey You’ll have to wait your turn. I’ve got every perv on chatroulette plus every guy I’ve dated b4 I get to you *shoots**reloads*
July 14 @Triciabel007 @Triciabel007 RT Cock-mongering, fud flaps of bukkaking slut lords of Babylon! =How to make your 1000th tweet memorable! 🙂 -loving ur work!
July 14 @Audi4Eva Update: World Premiere Audi R8 Spyder and Audi e-tron Concept Car http://bit.ly/aB6tEO
July 14 @TheDollSays I’m going to bed having most definitely not eaten any ice cream. I deserve plaudits and, quite frankly, some ice cream.
July 15 @MinutesofMayhem Obama invited Bill Clinton to the Oval Office yesterday. Not to talk policy. He just wanted the back story on some carpet stains.
July 15 @jacques_aih My increased wage bill means I can’t afford protective headgear for the guy who works in my greenhouse. I think a celery cap is in order.
July 15 @EatMyHalo I’d LOVE to go on CDWM. My lamb with ‘mystery’ crust would wow the bastards. Followed by tart au uh-oh. I’m dead good at thingyo. Cookery.
July 15 @LDN Geeky road sign vandalism http://twitpic.com/25hrn2 (via @owenblacker)
July 15 @jacques_aih @SimonNRicketts Had a similar experience with elderly aunt in Cambridge who described how Uncle Jim used to love punting her up the Cam.
July 15 @EatMyHalo Now that I’ve successfully wasted our time, I’m going to have an apple. I mean half an apple. Well, a slice of apple.
A line of coke. 😦
July 15 @AngryBritain Money does not buy taste? Discuss http://twitpic.com/25ipva
July 15 @warren_bennett Golf. Hours and hours of televised cloud. Genius.
July 15 @janeprinsep I am here. This is where I swim #mysky  http://bit.ly/90nEaq
July 16 @ewenman Absolutely loving http://www.1000awesomethings.com
July 17 @bigwelsh The weather is glorious, why not go play outside? … http://twitpic.com/2655ck
July 17 @sheepdean Photo: fuckhappiness: http://tumblr.com/xo2dmlxzx
July 18 @MrSamJohnstone @iamchads To be honest, I think it transcends sit com. It is farce of the highest order, with the wit and characterisation of Molière.
July 18 @TheDollSays I’ve just put a new app on my phone. I say ‘app’, I’ve stuck a glittery My Little Pony sticker on the back.
July 19 @StarchildCoop I’ve managed to get so much hairspray on my mirror, I can’t tell if it’s me I’m looking at? Well, apart from the fact it’s me in front of it
July 19 @Galinoz ‘Peeps’ nicely Twitterfies into ‘Tweeps’.  I’ve realised you can’t do the same thing with the word ‘chat’.
July 19 @quantick I think Fleet Street and the MoD should swap places. The Army might not like it but the press would have a field day.
July 19 @OnlineAStevens For those that like their cornflakes with a bottle of red – how to open a wine bottle with a shoe http://bit.ly/dxC7EX
July 20 @Revmoon I quite like Kylie’s latest. Does this mean I have to take one up the dookie shoot?
July 20 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads I think they bulk up the mid-week prize with lint, buttons and jelly tots.
July 20 @TheDollSays I’m drinking a Chilean wine so cheeky I had to stop it ringing my neighbour’s doorbells and running away.
July 21 @TheDollSays Home to Hampshire today. Going to reassure mum I don’t need to move in now. I say ‘reassure’, more ‘wrestle the valium out of her hands.’
July 21 @caitlinmoran If you love Bill Murray, you’re not going to love  him any less at the end of this INCREDIBLY RARE interview: http://bit.ly/cIIsUL
July 21 @domjoly http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html  this is officially the funniest site I’ve been on in ages
July 21 @RitaVonSleaze R Kelly is really from Merseyside. His brothers R Wayne and R Liam were OK, but things were not good at school for his youngest brother Sol.
July 21 @TheDollSays Just said the words ‘structural integrity’ when describing a block of cheese. The wanker alarm sounded and my mum hit me with a mallet.
July 21 @TeenyBella Ready? #clackster69 http://yfrog.com/mkqv5j
July 22 @tortytweets Morning! I just yawned so deeply I think I’ve dislocated my jaw. Good job I have clickety snake jaws.
July 22 @TheDollSays @iamchads There was a moment of silent manly understanding so intense, my mum and I had to look away. Emotional.
July 22 @iSwarb @iamchads A touch. I will ring NATO the minute you start going on about “Year HB Zero”     (that almost works…)
July 22 @SyzygySweetie Too much rose and geranium oils in the bath. I now look like I should be lying next to some goose fat potatoes at Gas Mark 6.
July 22 @TheDollSays Put a wine glass down and it smashed. Clothes seams are intact so clearly was a freak accident and not my long awaited Hulk transformation.
July 22 @TheDollSays So apparently Lambeth police won’t do anything about the menacing presence outside my door because it’s ‘only a spider’. Fascists.
July 23 @TeenyBella @Bellerants You look like a complete HOTTIE in you avatar. Men huh? Let’s make out.
July 23 @OctoberJones Dad sent a pic of himself in new glasses. Me:”(Haha) You should’ve gone to SpecSavers” Him:”I should’ve worn a johnny” Very clever father.
July 23 @Fanny_McTwanny I know a bra can pop them under my chin but I’ve come to the conclusion that a boob is a shy creature that prefers to hide under armpits.
July 23 @OctoberJones I’m designing characters for piece of software for 3 yr olds. Love it when clients give feedback like:”Make penguin a bit less holding guns”
July 28 @collinslateshow Have just walked down Ashford High Street. It looks like Jeremy Kyle’s green room.
July 29 @TheDollSays So tired, can’t be bothered to get ready. May just mash my face directly into my make up bag and hope for the best.
July 29 @TheDollSays Someone’s posted the personal details of a 100,000,000 Facebook users online. Only after 100,000,000 Facebook users did it themselves.
July 29 @TheDollSays Red wine headache demands bacon sandwich. I am having Starbucks yoghurt and granola. I deserve a punch in my twatty capitalist face.
July 29 @TheBig_Sam Went sleepwalking at 4am last night. The wife came out to find me pouring gin, cranberry juice and ice shavings down my japs eye.
July 29 @paulinecjones @fulhammatty @iamchads You should try living in Yorkshire. Shower of work-shy cunts. #dolescum
July 29 @DavidNobbs A smarmy hotel pianist once asked ‘What would you like me to play next?’  Comedian Ted Ray replied ‘dominoes’. (Told me by Barry Cryer)
August 2 @TheDollSays The BBC asked Jordan to do ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ but talks failed when they refused to rename her episode ‘Don’t You Know Who I Am?’
August 3 @TheSleepyNinja The rattling in my car is now so severe that I am wondering whether I have a stowaway tambourine player in the boot.
August 3 @TheSleepyNinja @TummyCustard dave’s insanity sauce made my lodger deaf for an hour.
August 3 @shell150675 And the award for best support act goes to *drum roll* my bra for allowing me to run for the bus & keeping my boobies from blacking my eyes
August 3 @TruthSandwich @TheSleepyNinja could only eat a speck at a time with other stuff. Had to fire it into the sun to get rid of it in the end
August 3 @TruthSandwich RT @IndieLou Rubbish day so I went to the loo to for a little cry. As I was sat there, feeling sorry for myself, a roof tile fell on my head
August 3 @Absinthe_Fairie Some days ur the bees.Some days ur the honey.Today I’m the allergic bear who got its nose  stuck in the hive & forgot its epi-pen.
August 3 @undercoverman @DarkBeige I like calling people a paedo, irrespective of context. I like nonce-sequiturs.
August 4 @mental_nigella Food news. The people who make Tyrells crisps now make a vodka called Chase from the potato waste. Just been crowned best vodka the in world
August 4 @TheDollSays If I rest my arm on the edge of my desk for a minute it leaves deep indentations. In my more paranoid moments I worry I’m actually Morph.
August 4 @littlemissWENCH Very apt right now. http://twitpic.com/2blb8a
August 5 @fulhammatty *note to shelf* must tidy books
August 5 @TruthSandwich I don’t mean to boast but my Tyrannosaurus Rex impression is really coming on a treat. Raaawr and so forth
August 5 @Average_Batman Just made some mint origami shapes out of the order forms in Argos. Tom went wild when I turned his hat into a boat. It was mega
August 5 @BinaryDad There is a Campbell testifying at a war crimes trial and is Naomi, not Alastair? *Sigh*
August 5 @MyMuses Hey @Average_Batman next time you feel the pull to pucker paper, why not whip out one of these! http://twitpic.com/2brsa6
August 5 @mrchrisaddison I wouldn’t want a blood diamond. I had a kidney stone once and that was bad enough.
August 5 @TheDollSays Yesterday I was complimented on my ‘meeting room set up’ skills. Today I hope they notice how neat my writing is on this suicide note.
August 5 @TheDollSays Accidentally typed ‘Heathwow’ on a travel itinerary. I can’t believe Heathrow’s marketing department has never used that.
August 5 @StarchildCoop My heart always breaks a little, when someone gives themself a nickname.
August 5 @TheSleepyNinja Waiter asked me if I wanted a Super Salad the other day. I said, Wow what’s that! He replied, “well one is a soup and the other is a salad”
August 5 @mattwhatsit Kerry Katona invited to Wilmslow Leisure Centre to answer questions about receiving blood diamantes.
August 5 @TheDollSays It’s casual Friday at work tomorrow. I may or may not turn up.
August 6 @TheDollSays My colleague’s skirt is so short I can almost see what she’s thinking.
August 6 @tartan_miss Put my hand between my boobs (outside shirt) and pointed upwards to my face. Guy went bright red and choked a little. Haha fucker!!
August 6 @Average_Batman Just had a bottle of Malibu. Asked Mrs.B if she wanted to bump n grind after our rice & peas. She said she might after Countdown
August 6 @2bras7cats the massive French boss (with bad breath) gave a big speech about how we’re the best team ever, and here’s to the next year and bollocks.
August 6 @TheDollSays It’s lucky I don’t have OCD or the odd number of soaps I counted in the toilets during hand wash number 88 would have really upset me.
August 6 @SyzygySweetie @Clairesa @TheDollSays Even if he’s veggie I bet he prefers toad-in-the-hole to a nut roast. *sniggers*
August 7 @littlestormys Where are we going again?  http://twitpic.com/2cdo6k
August 7 @TheDollSays I just walked past a young chav couple having a screaming argument. It was so upsetting I almost choked on my superiority complex.
August 7 @kenarmstrong1 You are the place that I will go, when I’m grey and old.  (Robbie tries to write his own vows).
August 7 @FlyoverJoel Wife rolled over and elbowed me in the head. In return, I jumped off the dresser and body slammed her.  So yeah, we are awake now.
August 7 @TheDollSays My gran used to say that thunder was the heat of lightning causing vibrations through air expansion. She was shit at whimsy.
August 7 @tortytweets I’m home. I can tell this by the thumping reggae bass and revving engines. It’s the audio equivalent of Hansel & Gretel’s pebble trail.
August 7 @shitmydadsays “See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I’m thinking; How can I give less of shit? That’s why I look interested.”
August 8 @TheSleepyNinja When officially does a large courgette become a small marrow? http://tweetphoto.com/37621880
August 8 @TeenyBella @iamchads @thesleepyninja I adopted a rabbit and g-pig from the RSPCA and they died after I washed the hutch out with flash the next day 😦
August 8 @tortytweets @novanine @TheSleepyNinja @TheDollSays Seconded! Although a boyfriend, please, for me. I do not wish to take the sapphic path.
August 8 @tartan_miss I was rubbing shower gel on my boobs in the shower.They both twitch in a pronounced fashion, one after the other.Think they’re possessed
August 8 @SimonBishop “Sorry, not in service” must be a popular suburb of Manchester. Most of the buses I’ve seen this morning are going there.
August 8 @TheSleepyNinja This one is for @iamchads , my imported Cuban is the size of South America. http://tweetphoto.com/37735971
August 8 @PissedJamesBond Told M I was up to my eyes in the mission. By eyes I meant balls. By mission I meant quim.
August 9 @TwitsHitTheFan I got caught stripping in a barn earlier. My partner was starting to lose interest and my shrink told me to do something sexy to a tractor.
August 10 @DavieLegend I’ve just seen a man wash & dry his hands, then used the paper towel 2 open the door when leaving. Pity for him I’ve pissed on his keyboard.
August 10 @menialmoose Ok fine I DON’T know – When you’re done smirking Mr & Mrs “I’m so worldly”, exactly what IS a ‘turd bugler’?
August 10 @TheDollSays Colleague’s homemade dress looks like a lampshade glued together by a blind chimp in a thunderstorm. I said it was nice as I’m on probation.
August 10 @DavieLegend Best. Tweet. Ever. RT @planetjedward    It’s so weird this morning edward broke a bowel at breakfast and then the cocopops went everywhere!
August 10 @Fanny_McTwanny And this is why I got no work done today.. http://tweetphoto.com/38093429
August 10 @TheDollSays While at the doctors the housing benefit office called me. I haven’t interacted that much with my local authority since I punched a dustman.
August 11 @TheSleepyNinja Hallucinating with tiredness now. For those who liked Haltlose yesterday. Today’s word is hypnagogia. Night twitter, Sublime dreams.
August 11 @TheDollSays Had my music on so loudly I was nearly run over by a Fed Ex van. On the plus side I would definitely have got to casualty by 10am tomorrow.
August 11 @TruthSandwich Sore throat, exhaustion and gunked up eyes. Just how I’d feel if I’d been giving blowjobs down the docks all night. I imagine
August 11 @mixmasterfestus Got an email offering tickets to the Alan Titchmarsh Show. Can’t go as I’m pulling my toe nails out that day.
August 11 @tortytweets @TheDollSays It’s impossible to sweat in this office,the a/c is on “cinema” setting. And breaking a sweat would imply I’m doing actual work.
August 11 @mixmasterfestus Has anyone ever written a sexy text adventure book? To attempt to undo the bra, turn to page 45. To give up and go home, turn to page 135.
August 11 @TheSleepyNinja Why is Yacht such a grammatical/phonetic rebel? I could never get away with spelling robot robacht.
August 11 @TheDollSays Today I apologised for getting in the way of my own reflection. I think I’m ready for my massive bodily tick and a good row with a pigeon.
August 11 @TheDollSays Every day in the run up to a period brings a new hormonal symptom. It’s like an advent calendar with ‘fuck you’ printed behind every door.
August 12 @TheConnArtist TV idea: “FasterChef”. Contestants prepare Pot Noodles & cheese toasties. “Cooking doesn’t get quicker than this!” Show duration: 7 minutes.
August 12 @davesusetty When I say ‘Do you mind if I charge my phone in that plug?’ it sounds like ‘Oi, cunt, move your fucking ass’, judging by the guy’s face.
August 12 @TheDollSays I’m going to the theatre tonight but I’m not a theatregoer. There’s a subtle but vital difference involving not being a pompous fucktrumpet.
August 13 @TheDollSays Friday 13th, the day all hockey goalies must wear their ‘not a serial killer’ masks featuring a picture of Jesus holding a kitten.
August 13 @TheDollSays Colleague emailed saying ‘Here’s the report, let me know if you have any issues.’ I may respond with ‘Well I think my ears are too small.’
August 13 @TheDollSays A woman here has just announced her engagement. She looks like a pubic wig in a polyester suit which just shows there’s hope for everyone.
August 13 @AngryBritain Dog drags girl 7, down the street by her head, leaving her with horrific injuries. ‘That’ll fucking teach you to make eyes at Alex’ she says
August 13 @mattwhatsit Another day in social media, another day of ‘Hi!’s and LOLZ.
August 13 @fowget One bonus #ff as a prize for overcoming technology and defeating his new Blackberry (just) this week  http://yfrog.com/0gi47sj
August 13 @TheDollSays I just spent £14 on six birthday cards. Fucking sentiment-pedalling bloodsuckers. Next time I’m making my own out of glitter and hair.
August 13 @TheSleepyNinja In the bar with @TheDollSays someone asked for the wine list. Bartender knew it off by heart. “We have white.. And red”
August 14 @DeedPole Jade came to me in a dream, told me she wanted to go in Ultimate #bigbrother. I asked should I start a campaign? She said Lambrini would do.
August 14 @_iamjules @Clairesa Were his Irish eyes smiling? What about Ryanair? You can go Teesside to Cork in a flying skip for 23p
August 14 @TeenyBella As Mama I says, don’t let the grass grow over your feet or something.
August 14 @mattwhatsit Finished swimming. A lad who has probably masturbated 12 times in the last 24hrs is preparing our over-priced lunch. I’m having omelette.
August 14 @mattwhatsit The pool was full of single Dads. A couple of them tried to start a conversation. I assume they wanted to sex me.
August 14 @martindeeson @MylesGregory They have real absinthe here? Now we’re f’in talking. Really? Only had it once – from Andorra – I saw green mind porn for days
August 14 @kenarmstrong1 I just confused marinade with serenade.  The chops may be delayed but they *will* be tender.
August 14 @fowget @JackiePatie @redhatman We can get up to whatever we want whilst you are locked up at your lesbian retreat
August 14 @TheDollSays @Syzygy79 Made it back safely from Bornio, Alfonso was a godsend on the clear up. Lost my pearl handled pistol in poker game though. You?
August 15 @_iamjules @Clairesa So close but yet so far. Were you waiting on the bridge? It’s like a Geordie version of Sleepless in Seattle
August 15 @TeenyBella Typical. The only guy I’ve liked for ages lives a thousand miles away. Or something. It’s foreign and everything.
August 15 @JimBobbers @iamchads 7 (next week), 9 and 12. Family ? Pah. More like a loose confederation of warring factions.
August 15 @Quaristice “I’m Fiona Phillips. These days, people ask me if I’ve tried Olay skin products because I have a face like a deflated soufflé.”
August 15 @firmpear “I’ve come here to drink milk and kick ass. I have finished my milk…”
August 15 @GlennyRodge If I was any more tired, I’d be (a) asleep, (b) dead, or (c) crabby, fighty over-tired & shitbaggy. Actually, I might have reached (c).
August 15 @iamchads @redhatman He’s definitely a pooftah then. He can sleep on your side of the tent…
August 16 @TheDollSays Only three of us in the office. Colleague said ‘It’s like someone’s died.’ No, it’s like there’s only three of us here, you morbid twatbomb.
August 16 @TheDollSays @Ferders I guarantee it. They probably all wank over Outlook calendar updates.
August 16 @BECKintl Wife and me are rearranging the furniture. I’m doing it in my head first—she’s moving the furniture with her head. She’s a typical Aries.
August 17 @Srveedub @iamchads Blackberry- tickle my back, make me coffee and then make a start on that ironing you said you’d do, I am naming mine Rhonda
August 17 @Twistedlilkitty ‘You’re dancing, what are you listening to?’ ‘Creep by Radiohead’ ‘The least dancable song ever’ ‘It’s not like I’m doing the Charleston’
August 17 @DeedPole Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I’ve left the ears you lent me in the garage, I think they’re all there but if any are missing, give me a bell.
August 17 @tortytweets Old Mother Hubbard is clacking his knitting needles at quite a pace today! I might have to slip a micky in his cupasoup.
August 17 @TeenyBella Tonight I shall be working until 10pm. Some people call that dedication. I call it ‘shouldn’t have done fuck all last week’
August 17 @EatMyHalo “Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near?”
“My face is made entirely of Trill.”
August 18 @_iamjules @JimBobbers Hang on….it’s still a bit early for me…..Do you make pizza or roll around in an empty dalek base being evil? Which?
August 18 @fowget @iamchads That’s part of the brainwashing, once we find her code word to “trigger” her, we can get her to assassinate who we want
August 18 @fowget @JackiePatie @iamchads Just talking about girls and football and the film about gay porn I was watching
August 18 @fowget @iamchads Unless I’m shagging, then I’m Wheezy
August 18 @fowget Vineger Tits is singing again next door, today she is trying to communicate with dogs via the medium of cat rape in G minor
August 18 @fowget @JackiePatie @iamchads It’s about friendship more than bumming. So there. Anyway, when is Hot Buddist Lesbians Vol 4 available to buy then?
August 18 @TheMarydoll I dreamt I had a hoose full of big cats, dinosaurs & 1940’s gangsters. I have no idea wtf thats supposed to mean & I didny eat any cheese.
August 18 @DeedPole @janeprinsep Its just that, not to lessen the seriousness (well ok to lessen it a bit) he might have been a ‘randy therapist’. Congrats x
August 18 @DeedPole Can you tweet me the saxophone solo from Tina Turner’s ‘Simply The Best’. (In words not a link). Stuck at ‘der ner banana Neenah nene dado
August 18 @tortytweets @TheDollSays I ate a packet of love hearts last night. I showed no gratitude, ramming them in one after the other. I needed the affection.
August 18 @quotestanhope If yr goin 2 be offended by a little cigarette smoke I’ve got a tit-fuck joke that’s goin 2 blow yr heart right through yr rubber underpants
August 18 @TheSleepyNinja Yesterday all the office programmes disappeared off the work desktop. Today the entire computer has vanished. Freaky. Maybe its a ghost.
August 18 @tortytweets @TheDollSays I love the one about “the sky is falling” *wrong chick lit*
August 18 @tortytweets @TheDollSays I don’t like it when KFC say it’s finger licken good.As if the sky fell &the Colonel scooped up the remains and deep fried it.
August 18 @avi1111 Just polished off a gigantic plate of pasta.  Feeling guilty about my carbonara footprint.
August 19 @lucyinglis Please excuse me while I attempt to care less about A-level results…Oh look, I’m back having found it impossible to care ONE IOTA less.
August 19 @TheDollSays A gorgeous little project from my Twitter sister @SyzygySweetie. Smile! http://tumblr.com/xrmg5jq2r
August 19 @stebax Lovely exchange last night summed up our relationship. I was outside bringing in the washing. Mimed “I love you” and made a heart shape…
August 19 @stebax …she mimed throwing up and then shooting herself.
August 20 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads The IT dept stole it to repair a registry fault. Feel lost without it. I keep clicking the disconnected mouse..
August 20 @Papa_Shango My wife told me that my immaturity needs to change otherwise it could erect a barrier between us.hahahahaa erect.
August 20 @Papa_Shango I dont know why Heather Mills is so concerned about land mines. She’s only half as much at risk from them as everybody else.
August 20 @Papa_Shango I keep trying to put in ‘penis’ as my password on facebook but it keeps coming back as saying its ‘too short’
August 20 @Papa_Shango I decided to get my morning fix of hash and coke. Thought I may as well make it a meal, so I bought a sausage egg mcmuffin too.
August 20 @TheDollSays Actually life is quite like the movies. Overpriced, full of annoying twats and towards the end you can barely hold in the pee.
August 21 @lucyinglis @JulieChisholm @TeenyBella Fickle is the modus operandi of the hobby lemon. That way you only get the fit ones.
August 21 @germgirl Have briefly escaped work. Will now perform 1004 point turn to exit parking space.
August 21 @TheSleepyNinja Mustang Sally is the playlist for the wedding. If the DJ knew the couple he would know that Sally has a Corsa and Paul is on his 4th Vectra.
August 21 @TheSleepyNinja Just stepped down an ordinary looking step that turned out to be about 3 foot down. Quite enough excitement for one night.
August 22 @wowser Moth’s locked himself out, tapping on the window:
“Where’re your keys?”
“Keys? I’m just a moth”
“Not good enough!”
(I’m not letting him in.)
August 22 @TheSleepyNinja Apologies now for any boo hoo hoo mwah mwah mwah hangover tweets tomorrow. Je suis tres pissed on brandy
August 22 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads blagged a lift back. I was walking and tweeting and fell down a 3 foot drop into the driving test centre car park.
August 22 @TeenyBella Quote of the day when waking up
In bed with three people – I knew I shouldn’t have given my mobile number to the lesbian midget Mr T.
August 22 @EatMyHalo Got robbed in Thailand.
I was going to report it, but the scenery was just so beautiful I thought “ah, Phuket.”
August 22 @germgirl There’s a lovely bit of blue cheese in my fridge. Thing is, I’m fairly sure it wasn’t blue when it went in there. #terriblehousekeeper
August 22 @Wireman Memo to all media: I don’t care who’s in the Stig suit. This is not investigative journalism. It’s funsucking cuntery. http://bit.ly/c7gNBa
August 22 @mount_st_nobody A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks, “Why the long face?”. The horse, already depressed, walks home alone, reflecting on past regrets
August 22 @JoshSansom A flying car? Now I’ve seen everything. Have you seen a man eat his own head? No. Well then you haven’t seen everything and neither have we.
August 22 @DavieLegend http://twitpic.com/2h9uqu
August 23 @TheDollSays Girls wearing men’s brogues, I know you think you look like Pixie Lott but actually it looks more like you’ve misplaced your calipers.
August 23 @TheDollSays Being at work on my birthday is rubbish so I treated myself to an hour locked in the toilet howling for my lost youth and a cupcake.
August 23 @lucyinglis Just phonebothered Mr I from the supermarket when he was in very important deal-doing moment. #whoops
August 23 @lucyinglis @JimBobbers Well, Mr I took it well, but the tone of this voice made the back of my legs sting. And not in a good way.
August 23 @mattwhatsit A friend has a posh wood-burning stove. Everytime I’m in his kitchen I sing “FLASH! AAAaaaa-ga!”. We all shake hands and agree I’m funny.
August 24 @fowget Last night I dreamt that a species of monkey runs so fast that the friction causes their bollocks to catch fire. Morning everybody
August 24 @Flying_Rodent If Tiger is offering £480m divorce settlements for 5 years work, I’ll marry the guy. He can pump whoever he likes, so long as he ponies up.
August 24 @MrMisterMan I hate it when a posh person swaps the ‘w’ and ‘h’ around when they say ‘why’.
August 24 @_iamjules @tortytweets NEVER believe them Torty for the lies slip smoothly from their evil tongues whilst their faces display not a flicker of guilt!
August 24 @lucyinglis Girl on this bus has a figure to die for. And a face that could crack walnuts at ten paces. Proper Rosa Klebb scary.
August 24 @lucyinglis @katrinagulliver Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch. Not good.
August 24 @lucyinglis Get thee behind me Emma Bridgewater! I shall not have thy tasteless measled goods in myne home. Nor thy lettered-for-the-ignoramus crockery.
August 24 @TheConnArtist If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard “if I had a pound for every time I heard that, I’d be a millionaire”, I’d be a millionaire.
August 24 @TheSleepyNinja @DavieLegend The superking
August 24 @_iamjules @Fowget @redhatman Does ‘muscling in on his turf’ have more than one meaning?
August 24 @TheDollSays Goodnight Twitter. May the cat of happy dreams find its way safely out of the fetid wheelie bin of your subconscious.
August 25 @pezholio O+P+T+I+M+U+S = 15+16+20+9+13+21+19 = 113 is a Prime number; Optimus = Prime. Your mind = Blown Again. /ht @EXECUTIVESTEVE
August 25 @GlennyRodge I’ve had to make my own tea today yet some folk are outraged about someone putting a cat in a bin. Let’s have a bit of perspective, people.
August 25 @TheDollSays The engineers may well be fixing the lift but the frequency with which they’re using the word ‘shaft’ strikes me as gratuitous.
August 25 @kittydoodle I’m off to the chippy for dinner. And by that I mean I’m going to Loch Fyne, because this is Surrey.
August 25 @fowget @JulieChisholm @iamchads The Ford Dildo?
August 25 @fowget @JulieChisholm @iamchads @jimbobbers To offset the Prius, does your husband drive a Hummer powered by children’s tears?
August 26 @shitmypopesays “Be careful what you wish for, boy. A private army of fruity men sounds amazing, but just think of all the shots they need!”
August 27 @missellabell @yoghurteater he absolutely is. They both are, really. One is gorgeously fat and sings and the other invites clockmakers to stay..
August 27 @td_ward Stallone: I think women love clever banter, not just saying, “Let’s go to my house and get naked.” He hasn’t met women from Stoke then.
August 27 @TheConnArtist @iamchads Our computer system is hilarious. Looks like something from “War Games”. We were promised a new program in 2007. Still nothing.
August 27 @shitmypopesays “All of my flock are treated the same. I don’t care if you’re white, Caucasian, straight, married, male – everyone is equals!”
August 27 @TheDollSays Just asked for the bill in a restaurant. I decided to shirk the usual ‘writing’ mime and instead put on a short display of shadow puppetry.
August 27 @wobblyvirtue Never mind. Back home soon to see what ‘Nigella’ has cooked up.
August 27 @firmpear Once bitten, slice thigh  #zombieproverbs
August 27 @sharonGOONer Horse and cart carrying vital evidence to court collapses and all is destroyed. It is a miscarriage of justice.
August 27 @TheDollSays Been snack shopping for the party tomorrow. Just grabbed the usual; runner beans, Piccalilly (for dipping) and a family pack of cream horns.
August 27 @TheDollSays @iamchads Your tweet about your wife earlier. I’m not gay or owt but I *may* have slightly welled up. Anyway, fuck off etc.
August 27 @BarkPamphlet Via @goybo  Comic artist Emmanuel Guibert draws with WATER!!! No, really: http://bit.ly/9o99x0 Beautiful, I trust you’ll agree…
August 28 @_iamjules Today I will mostly be tidying* & entertaining*stuffing items under beds & rugs & hoping that our guests don’t notice the lumpy floors
August 28 @crazycolours “What’s the first thing you notice about me? Piercing eyes? My impressive salsa moves? It certainly won’t be occasional bladder weakness.”
August 28 @shitmypopesays “No, I don’t have all the answers. But I have a toilet made of gold, so fucks to them!”
August 28 @TheDollSays Going out tonight. I’m going to set my phaser to ‘Party’! Just as soon as I work out how to get it off the ‘Gigantic Twatnugget’ setting.
August 28 @brumbino Not even the man who was given the wrong type of ladder wants to be on
August 28 @TeenyBella @tortytweets @iamchads oh, he has pox too. He’s contagious within four miles. He’s like a cartoon Chernobyl
August 29 @JimBobbers @iamchads my friend, you are in the midst of a CHAVALANCHE. They are drawn to Argos to gawp at the ‘laminated book of dreams’.
August 30 @MrsIrrelevant My Sky is broke. So having a friend post this of fb made it better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4NeFo7zkfk
August 30 @IamSilverFox OH DEAR. Portuguese-Spanish bid publicity video is absolutely DIRE. I know they spend half their day in bed, but come on.
September 1 @TheDollSays If my cold is annoying my workmates, they’ll hate me when I show them what I learnt in my Competitive Screaming & Indoor Falconry class.
September 1 @tortytweets I’m sorry. I hate using the word teat but it was necessary. I promise not to say gusset though *oops*
September 1 @NuneatonLeon Just back from a meeting in Liverpool by the docks, what a shithole.#nooffencescousers
September 1 @PublicBenjamin Tony Blair says in his memoirs he had a premonition John Smith would die. Same one he had about David Kelly I imagine.
September 1 @TheDollSays Finished packing for my holiday. Three versions of Top Trumps, seventeen cola lollies and a comb. I fail to see what more a girl needs.
September 2 @TheSleepyNinja Morning Twitter, Epic journey from Basingstoke to Eastbourne today. I am picking up new alloy wheels. I will call today “Lord of the Rims”
September 2 @TheDollSays I gave up trying to decipher my boss’s ‘crippled chimp on a trampoline’ handwriting. I’m typing out the lyrics to The Fresh Prince instead.
September 2 @tortytweets There’s a girl sitting in’t window of Starbucks picking her feet.I’d pop in & hand her a banana but you’re not supposed to feed the animals
September 2 @Rob_McCallum Today, throw the term “Godhead” into a few sentences. No one will know quite what you mean but, not wanting to appear daft, they won’t ask
September 2 @_iamjules @Bellerants Seriously chick, take wads of cash. You’ll need it. Or be prepared to hang over a Granny’s balcony begging for toast :-p
September 2 @_iamjules @iamchads If we ever do meet remind me to tell u about nude kid, a belly buster and a sex injury on the night of many bananas 😉
Happy days
September 2 @MrWordsWorth My mom always said, ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.’I haven’t spoken to  my mom since I was 16.
September 2 @EatMyHalo Ladies! Bet you can’t drink 4 pints and then laugh raucously without peeing a bit. I bet you a Tena.
September 3 @martindeeson Stephen Hawking’s done amazing job of uniting imams, rabbis and Xians.Maybe we should send ol robot wars on a tour of the world’s hotspots?
September 3 @jezmo8 Friday today, that means it’s either the start of the weekend or the start of a weak end.
September 3 @BinaryDad In 12 minutes my body leaves work. 6 1/2 hours after my mind jumped out the 1st floor toilet window and ran off.
September 3 @TheSleepyNinja Don’t understand football, after ‘friendlies’ is it the ‘silent treatments’ before the ‘if you don’t know I’m not telling you’ final?
September 4 @DeedPole I just found Shrek in my kitchen drunk off my honey-based home brew. I said ‘what do you think of it Shrek? Good? Bad? Or…Meady-ogre!’
September 4 @StarchildCoop Obesity no longer seems to be the big health worry. I’d say it’s incontinence. Everyone seems to ‘piss themself laughing’ nowadays.
September 4 @StarchildCoop I discovered crisps. Not in a Christopher Columbus type way. I just mean I’ve found some tonight.
September 5 @BinaryDad This made me laugh so much, I even had to wipe away a tear. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tpCRBgs-LE
September 5 @MrsCupidStunt RT @fabio_capello_: “Wayne Rooney romps with £1200 a night 21 year old vice girl”. Shrek 4 should be fucking interesting then.
September 5 @TheDollSays Just passed a sign for ‘The Big Sheep’. After a brief discussion we decided even a 6ft tall sheep would warrant a signpost.
September 5 @TheDollSays We are at the bottom of the steepest village in the world. It’s so bizarrely steep, Escher would look at it and go ‘Blimey that’s mad.’
September 5 @_iamjules @wobblyvirtue NO!#QuitYoJibbaJabba #Fool
September 5 @warren_bennett Earlier today,Charlie ordered a “croque monsieur sans jambon”. All the French people pointed and laughed at him. Actually,so did I.
September 6 @nitsohara Jayzis lads ’tis fierce close today altogether. I’m fairly shweatin’ buckets so I am. #IrishTweets
September 6 @missellabell #unexpectedrant #guesswho http://twitpic.com/2luy4t
September 6 @whistlingduck Nadia has a Danni Minogue look? I thought she had a Desperate Dan in a dress look #cdwm
September 7 @robbnotes The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. -Bertrand Russel
September 7 @peter_watts If you have never been in a house up a hill in the Languedoc during a major thunderstorm, I can thoroughly recommend the experience.
September 7 @peter_watts Thunder like a mountain collapsing, lightning like a star exploding, rain like anvils. Amazing.
September 7 @Papa_Shango Just got a letter from my bank stating a ‘Final Demand’How nice of them to tell me they won’t be bothering me anymore
September 7 @Papa_Shango BBC News: Bipolar disorder ‘not to blame for violent behaviour’Well, half of the time it isn’t.
September 7 @tortytweets Employers,if you persist in asking me to do things with numbers,I shall sign my emails “today’s Torty was brought to you by the no.3”
September 7 @eops @iamchads Im sure there is a proper definition somewhere but I like to think of it as my Sir Patrick Moore look  http://yfrog.com/ndz3zmj
September 7 @MooseAllain I was eating a little madeleine cake the other day and in a sudden rush it came to me that I’ve never read any Proust.
September 7 @robinbogg Met investigation latest: “Andy, did you know about phone tapping?”; “No”; “Excellent. Saves us having to cover things up again. You can go”
September 7 @dhmorton RT @FakeAPStylebook: The correct plural of ocelot is oceshitload. Ocefuckton is vulgar and should be avoided.
September 7 @lucyinglis You know those conversations where you love them but if they don’t get off the phone you’re going to start rocking and moaning? That.
September 7 @fowget @iamchads @the_bawbag I’ve even got a book for @JackiePatie to read us at bed time  http://yfrog.com/0ded7bmj
September 7 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads http://plixi.com/p/43836033 Chads, you have the stunning looks of a Hispanic Freddie Mercury impersonator..
September 8 @MaDom I used to know my way around the girls without skirts in Stockholm. Now I know my way around the outskirts of Stockholm. I’m getting old.
September 8 @ArmyofDave Typical. You spend ages looking for your glasses & they’re on the head of the corpse in your cellar all along.
September 8 @fowget @iamchads @the_bawbag @TheSleepyNinja Does Englebert Humperdink know he’s got a twin brother (just came to me on the bog, sorry it’s late)
September 8 @DavieLegend Patsy Kensit may have had great tits 20 years ago, but her laugh is doing my lugholes in this morning.
September 8 @TeenyBella I cycled to work this morning. My bike is like a kid’s bike, with teeny wheels and a pink shopping basket.
September 8 @theshedender Adebayor believes Man City are now bigger than Arsenal? Man City are not as big a club as Spurs, Villa or Everton yet, stupid cunt.
September 8 @mrS0CK Don’t know what the problem is? I support the burning of Quorn. Its fucking disgusting and SHOULD be burnt. Bloody vegetarians.
September 9 @lucyinglis Sitting opposite man reading a fantasy novel and scratching himself. Willing to lay a not insignificant wager that he doesn’t get it much.
September 10 @fowget My inbox is getting out of control. Has anyone got a whip and a chair handy?
September 10 @homosoup I offered to help someone come up with a budget, which has reminded me that I need to reevaluate my own.
September 10 @EatMyHalo I’m in England right now!
Find out where you are by going outside and checking. Then post it here so we can all be fucking thrilled by it.
September 10 @homosoup Omg, lefties dominate my timeline! You’re all going to team up with the Gingers and take over the world, aren’t you? #Imontoyou
September 10 @GlennyRodge I often doodle when I’m on the phone. My latest offering, the botanist, David Bellendmy… http://yfrog.com/n9y35cj
September 10 @BECKintl RT @lagonk http://twitpic.com/2mcqjg #FF
September 10 @homosoup @iamchads OH! LoL! You’re so sweet. 🙂
September 10 @hinge832 Sorry to interrupt, but would you mind having a look at this picture  http://twitpic.com/2n1wdz
September 11 @mattwhatsit @iamchads I hate you more. x
September 12 @rosannecash Wow. RT @Uncucumbered New York City. Our #sunset as this 9th anniversary of September 11th fades into history.  http://twitpic.com/2njc6v
September 12 @LFBarfe Technology’s a wonderful thing, but I still do my best writing with a propelling pencil.
September 12 @wobblyvirtue As demolition of the ‘Get Carter’ car-park continues it takes on a ghostly appearance http://plixi.com/p/44695725
September 12 @hinge832 Our Neighbourhood Watch chairman has announced in his newsletter that he is going away for 3 weeks
September 12 @davesusetty #ocdisms When I hear the word ‘Garnier’ on an advert, I always sing ‘Mmm, Danone’ after it.
September 12 @ACenterForAnts @Gembaleena How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read… if they can’t even fit inside the building?
September 12 @vivmondo ‘We are all in the gutter but some of us have found some tattered pornography by the drain.’ – Oscar Wilde (early draft).
September 12 @nitsohara I’m off to Lidl (‘Lidl: When You’re Even Too Pikey For Iceland’). I’m appropriately dressed in track suit, with hair in a ‘Croydon facelift’
September 12 @sharonGOONer Hugh-Fernly-Cholmondy-Warner or whatever his fucking name is.
September 13 @jacques_aih I might open a shop called “Pi”. I don’t know what it would sell but it would be open 22/7.
September 13 @TonyCowards When I was a cop I hated people shooting my partner, that really got my back up.
September 13 @JimBobbers @WadyWiwwow I wish BBC weather the presenter would point to a big grey cloud, sigh and say “SHITE” then look heavenwards & flick the Vs.
September 13 @TheSleepyNinja The white stain I have been trying to scrub from the carpet for the past year is a reflection from the lamp.
September 14 @fowget A quick Audioboo I knocked out on the drive to work, if I’m honest, it’s not great.  Dreams http://t.co/B43TKr1 via @Audioboo
September 14 @ncguk Rooney, n. Opposite of Clooney.
September 14 @avi1111 I’m quite the idiot savant.  (what does ‘savant’ mean again?)
September 14 @princesspip I know phone, you have little battery left and as eloquently as you have made the point do shut the fuck up now.
September 15 @MinutesofMayhem Want to see Chelsea’s “Handlers”? You know you do, you lying bitch.  http://yfrog.com/ne2equj http://yfrog.com/16cz4uj (Definite NSFW. )
September 15 @JimBobbers ..we could go back to the 70s and use our technical knowledge of things to come to be dark overlords. And drink pints of large”
September 15 @EatMyHalo I do these rude things to give any pope supporters who happen to follow me a chance to FUCK OFF. *waves and throws cups of wee*
September 15 @WH1SKS My mate also saw sign today in London. This is where the sign theme ends.  http://twitpic.com/2onfd1
September 15 @Wardotron Once I accidentally reversed the car into a chap, in a car park outside the mortuary. I’d backed myself into a coroner.
September 15 @fowget @JulieChisholm I can’t wait. Have you had your fire extinguishers serviced recently?
September 15 @TeenyBella @Fowget @iamchads @juliechisholm I used to work in a prawn factory. They make them die by stewing them in their own puke. Honest.
September 15 @princesspip Lost in Transubstantiation #papalmovies
September 16 @ncguk Of course, I’m easily amused by the Pope. Your level of amusement may vary based on how fond you are of Jesus.
September 16 @TheDollSays Eating rehydrated noodles from a mug and doing photocopying. I’m one accidental tramp killing away from being someone I’d really dislike.
September 16 @GrahamTCousins #modernclassics  The Tena Ladykillers
September 16 @fulhammatty The Pope speaks pretty good English, but struggled with ‘Edinburgh’. Then again, I can’t pronounce ‘kristallnacht’ or ‘ubergruppenfuhrer’
September 16 @princesspip @iamchads ooooooo…you Chobhamer..not  an actual word but wine fire, sorted. Friday tomorrow..happy days. 🙂 x
September 16 @bluejag George Michael is writing a new song with his cell mate – “Wank me off before your cocoa”.
September 17 @chaosgerbil @iamchads Have you had 15 yrs experience or 1 yrs experience 15 times. I think that I have mis-quoted  Morehi Ueshiba.
September 17 @The1nbetweener You can take a horse to water. But why the long face?
I’m shit at punchlines
September 17 @_iamjules @SyzygySweetie @iamchads Don’t want to burst the bubble but I just realised that I still have crusty egg & mustard in my ear from last night
September 18 @wobblyvirtue @JulieChisholm @fowget I’m Still reeling from screaming when u handled raw prawns. Same 4 chicken. These are ‘ingredients’ not ‘dead things’
September 18 @_iamjules @iamchads A thin trickle of blood just ran from my left nostril. I think your last tweet caused a brain hemorrhage. Don’t say anymore.Please
September 18 @NuneatonLeon The Pope was interviewed by FHM Magazine as to which grooming products he used.
He replied, “Haribo and Smarties are the best ones”
September 18 @fowget @iamchads @the_bawbag That was so funny I’ve just had a little “accident”
September 18 @twiteryeanot Will we ever find the time to just take the time? Sleep, work, clean, feed, defecate and breath. The time is short for life in general.
September 19 @lucyinglis If @50cent keeps up with mocking Justin Bieber fans I’ll be forced, out of sheer gratitude, to invite him round to break my headboard.
September 19 @RyanCHutchings AA Gill’s a cunt isn’t he? And after he wrote all of those nice stories about that yellow bear and Christopher Robin too.
September 19 @mtrh Jesus H Christhole. I’ve been playing xbox for 4 hours. Time to switch off methinks.
September 20 @sween George Clooney looks that way because when he was a kid he kept making handsome faces and it stuck that way. No, don’t stare.
September 21 @fowget @iamchads Oh the long winter nights must fly by
September 21 @TheSleepyNinja Don’t really understand javascript. Is this what happened to twitter? http://xkcd.com/722/
September 21 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads My mate’s GF had a Mk1 Clipper cab. He discovered that at 45mph if you reached up the wind resistance felt like a boob.
September 21 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads we called it nork-speed.
September 21 @GlennyRodge I have a wee crush on the red in that baking show. That’s scottish/irish for a little bit. I don’t want to wee on her or anything.
September 22 @TheDollSays Carol Decker from T’Pau is interviewed about correct driving shoes on BBC Breakfast. Up next, Terence Trent D’arby discusses recycling.
September 22 @TruthSandwich There go my plans for an Ant All-Star Football League. Turns out these thousands of miniature goalposts on my desk are actually staples.
September 22 @willmill82 “GTF”, the old man says. “It means Get Tae Fuck, ahahahaha”. He continues to laugh uncontrollably at his own wit, I sigh and sip my pint.
September 22 @stebax Blog comment of the day: “Colin Murray’s darts coverage almost made me shit myself with rage”.
September 23 @topresonancers @iamchads your tweet “Athletes at the Commonwea…” is now featured on Twitter’s Home http://resonancers.com/u/iamchads
September 23 @The1nbetweener @iamchads look. You’re trending! http://plixi.com/p/46640153
September 23 @fulhammatty Dear everybody in the world. “LOOSE” means slack, free, or un-tethered. The word meaning: to shed or mislay is ‘LOSE’.
September 23 @ncguk This week some cunts have moved into the house across the street. They haven’t done anything cunty yet but they will, the cunts.
September 23 @TruthSandwich For one brief, brilliant moment, I thought I’d found my purpose in life. What a fool – turned out to be a dolphin.
September 23 @EatMyHalo I like to compress tree and plant matter for thousands of years until it’s ready to burn. That’s just how I coal.
Sorry, had ice cream.
September 24 @jacques_aih I embarrassed myself badly during a free trip organised by my wife’s work, and ever since she won’t let me come on her jollies.
September 24 @jacques_aih My wife visited her friends in Hertfordshire and had a big argument. She doesn’t want to talk about her enormous Bushey hoohah.
September 24 @themanwhofell A beautiful girl is an inverted mirage. The closer I get to her the more I disappear.
September 25 @kenarmstrong1 Sam’s swimming teacher can remember everybody’s name after only hearing it once.  He is my new hero. No, I don’t know his name.
September 25 @jacques_aih Last time I went to the cinema I spent 20mins going up and down the stairs. I  shouldn’t have asked for seat directions from the Escherette.
September 25 @mattwhatsit Cliffhanger is Craig Fairbrass’ finest hour. He really captures 3rd Goon & makes it his own. When I think 3rd Goon, I think Craig Fairbrass.
September 26 @TheDollSays Louise Redknapp is by far Jim Henson’s most realistic muppet. #sftw
September 26 @LadyJanieGeek @iamchads be honest, you can buy cheap child labour in Waitrose if you know the manager
September 27 @SlllEM I’m wearing my “fuck my life its motherfucken Monday” shirt to work today. Can’t find my “suck my dick imbecile coworkers” matching tie
September 27 @jacques_aih I know a girl called Judy Finnigan/Face made up of goosey skin-igan/Next stop is the loonie bin-igan/Pours herself a gin-igan/Begin again.
September 27 @vicbriggs Unfortunate ending for the Segway CEO. Never heard of them before. Thought there was some collective Twitter spelling issue with segue.
September 28 @brainpicker Did you catch this? ☞ Europe mapped according to various stereotypes http://is.gd/fw7Vf
September 28 @iamchads Just generated a #TweetCloud, my top words are: haha, dude, fucking – http://w33.us/8csg (http://twitpic.com/2srskx)
September 28 @SlllEM If I ever get to name a sandwich, I’ll call it “shit”. “waiter, this sandwich TASTES LIKE SHIT?”. “indeed sir, hot and fresh. bon appétit”
September 28 @MaDom Polish experts say Europe is gonna get the coldest winter ever. Polish experts? Really? I also hear the Greek gives good economic advice.
September 29 @lucyinglis Going to have to go to Gloucester Archives. Any experiences/tips for me please? Besides ‘don’t’, and ‘measure twice, cut once’, obviously.
September 29 @alisonkbirch “People in their late 30s / early 40s are the unhappiest in the UK.” If ever there was a case for bringing back Bagpuss, this is surely it.
September 29 @TheDollSays Actually I have given up smoking, it’s just that my rewards scheme involves cigarettes.
September 29 @jbrownridge “If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.” — Carl Sagan
September 29 @fowget Don’t panic, the stoned email was asking if I wanted my organ enhancing. The jokes on them, I can’t even play the piano
September 29 @TheSleepyNinja Still coughing and sneezing like a dust allergy sufferer in an over the top movie set for a creepy mansion. Respiratory system fail.
September 29 @TheDollSays Colleague just said pistachios would be more popular if they didn’t have shells. I think she’d be more popular if she didn’t have a mouth.
September 29 @nitsohara It’s about 8 or 9 yoyos for a packet of fags here, it’d take me all day to count that out in tuppences.
September 29 @icybloke I now have a set of Shimano 105 SPD-SL pedals & a pair of Specialized road cycling shoes. I *am* aware of the phrase “all the gear, no idea”
September 30 @DeedPole Hate it when you accidently press send on a wrong tweet. … Bear with me… There’s a bear with me that’s why I accidently pressed send.
September 30 @OctoberJones New Twitter? More like ‘Poo Twitter’. Eh? Eh? New Twitter? More Like ‘New Shitter’ Yeah! *self 5*
September 30 @MrMisterMan @iamchads And that sir, is why you drive a BMW and I steal lead off church roofs to sell. (I don’t really)
September 30 @Wardotron Logistically, oversized goods are quite unpalatable.
September 30 @GlennyRodge Having got two pints of milk and some lemonade from the shops, I’ve just bought two thirds of a juvenile rhyme. I’m quite proud.
September 30 @theboynoodle @iamchads try ‘ed’ #SATIRE
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: