A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 2
Summer 2010
This top one is in bold as it was my birthday, and I like to think (entirely wrongly) that it was meant as a birthday present. It is one of the funniest tweets I have ever read. Genius.
| July 4 | @TheDollSays | Waiting for @TheSleepyNinja. In lieu of Chanel No5 & a chaise longue, I’ve spritzed myself with Febreeze & sprawled across the coffee table. |
| July 5 | @mattwhatsit | Any tips for getting a 4yo boy to stop sucking his thumb? We’ve tried “You look gay” and “You disgust me” by the way. |
| July 5 | @brightideas888 | A peacock just jumped on the roof- shit me right up! |
| July 5 | @ianvisits | RT @PizzaExpress Help us celebrate our 45th birthday with pizza for 45p http://bit.ly/2xg2B9 |
| July 5 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads @torisayce I definitely think two PAs in spike heels holding folders and looking cold are essential for any magnate. |
| July 5 | @tortytweets | @TheDollSays @iamchads Me too. But the first hint of actual work, and I’ll walk. Sexual harrassment is fine though. |
| July 5 | @TheDollSays | Job interview tomorrow. I plan on being so confident and impressive, the interviewers will be picturing ME naked. |
| July 6 | @td_ward | Listening to @cmb and @Ahm76 ‘s podcast here http://bit.ly/ajaVVz He’s posh-sounding, she’s american-sounding. It’s good. And funny. |
| July 6 | @TheDollSays | Interview went well. They were impressed with my experience but it was my human beatbox rendition of System Addict that really wowed them. |
| July 6 | @mookiegoose | “@5tevenw: What do you call a fat alien? An extra cholesterol.” AMAWS = allowed myself a wry smile. Can’t bring myself to use LOL. |
| July 7 | @TheDollSays | I’d better hurry up and get ready. These recruitment consultants aren’t going to wearily tolerate themselves. |
| July 7 | @tortytweets | @iamchads No one should ever have to see it. Any of it. Fuck-if I wanted to see wrinkly old cock and grey pubes,I’d bloody get paid for it. |
| July 8 | @TheDollSays | Which comes first, child obesity leading to a lack of exercise or vice versa? It’s a chicken McNugget and Kinder egg situation. |
| July 8 | @TheDollSays | I can’t think of any sort of meeting that wouldn’t benefit from a balloon modelling break. “Next we’ll discuss budgets but first…GIRAFFE!” |
| July 8 | @TheDollSays | How exactly does Always expect me to have a happy period? Unless their product doubles up as a range of mood-swing themed glove puppets. |
| July 9 | @mattwhatsit | Nelson Mandela being introduced to players on Sunday, FIFA rep: “..and Arjen Robben”, NM: “No, ah was released years ahgo! Boom-ah-Boom!” |
| July 9 | @germgirl | Car ready it was clearly serviced by a midget. I’m not tall but if I sat in the front seat now I’d be wearing my knees as earrings. |
| July 10 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads at the mere thought he would be running up your street, swinging fine danish like a pair of nunchuks. |
| July 10 | @TheDollSays | RT @scalene_adv: @TheDollSays And there’s plenty more where that came from… http://twitpic.com/240sgq < Ace! That’ll fool the landlord. |
| July 10 | @TheDollSays | @Mansonovic Things are sucking fetid donkey cock right now love. I wouldn’t recognise good luck if it goosed me and gave me a tenner. |
| July 10 | @TheDollSays | According to old US TV, any scene can be sexy with sax music. Man gutting a cod? Dull. Man gutting a cod with sax music? Stroke those gills. |
| July 10 | @tartan_miss | @ardvarc hold your breath and push down your diaphragm. Hiccups are only an irritation of the diaphragm : ) |
| July 10 | @Absinthe_Fairie | http://twitpic.com/2468ng |
| July 10 | @quantick | I often confuse adjectives with minerals, if I’m perfectly onyx. |
| July 10 | @twiteryeanot | I think I need to rest my eyes, but my brain is telling me, NEED MORE INPUT JOHNNY FIVE… |
| July 12 | @francis_zob | Je laisse mon appart à ma cousine de 16 ans pendant une semaine, et voilà http://i.imgur.com/Xl0iz.jpg |
| July 12 | @grmster | @MarioBB9 Little Jimmy was admitted to hospital today with 6 toy horses lodged up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as stable. |
| July 12 | @Absinthe_Fairie | Next time I have 2 use my kids’ bubblegum toothpaste, could one of you guys remind me that gargling w/ lighter fluid would be more pleasant? |
| July 13 | @DavidSpade | i hate when some of these motorcycle guys swerve past me in traffic, cut me off, and pass me on a hill. then the cry when they get killed |
| July 13 | @iamchads | RT @iamchads: @iamchads …obviously they haven’t got to the emergency situation training part yet..<<Fuck it.Tweeted myself, may as well RT |
| July 13 | @ITGuyMark | RT @PCAdvisor: How to create and manage System Restore points http://bit.ly/a9A8GE |
| July 14 | @peterjamesuk | Peter Tobin typifies Keith Waterhouse’s words: “Brighton has the air of a town that is perpetually helping the police with their enquiries.” |
| July 14 | @Bellerants | Boss: “It’s not how Craig David said, is it? Met her on Thursday, took her for a drink on Monday, dumped her for a family meal on Wed.” HAHA |
| July 14 | @brainpicker | How to prevent memory loss, a guide from @Wired http://bit.ly/9TUI94 |
| July 14 | @Bellerants | @JeremyMonkey You’ll have to wait your turn. I’ve got every perv on chatroulette plus every guy I’ve dated b4 I get to you *shoots**reloads* |
| July 14 | @Triciabel007 | @Triciabel007 RT Cock-mongering, fud flaps of bukkaking slut lords of Babylon! =How to make your 1000th tweet memorable! 🙂 -loving ur work! |
| July 14 | @Audi4Eva | Update: World Premiere Audi R8 Spyder and Audi e-tron Concept Car http://bit.ly/aB6tEO |
| July 14 | @TheDollSays | I’m going to bed having most definitely not eaten any ice cream. I deserve plaudits and, quite frankly, some ice cream. |
| July 15 | @MinutesofMayhem | Obama invited Bill Clinton to the Oval Office yesterday. Not to talk policy. He just wanted the back story on some carpet stains. |
| July 15 | @jacques_aih | My increased wage bill means I can’t afford protective headgear for the guy who works in my greenhouse. I think a celery cap is in order. |
| July 15 | @EatMyHalo | I’d LOVE to go on CDWM. My lamb with ‘mystery’ crust would wow the bastards. Followed by tart au uh-oh. I’m dead good at thingyo. Cookery. |
| July 15 | @LDN | Geeky road sign vandalism http://twitpic.com/25hrn2 (via @owenblacker) |
| July 15 | @jacques_aih | @SimonNRicketts Had a similar experience with elderly aunt in Cambridge who described how Uncle Jim used to love punting her up the Cam. |
| July 15 | @EatMyHalo | Now that I’ve successfully wasted our time, I’m going to have an apple. I mean half an apple. Well, a slice of apple. A line of coke. 😦 |
| July 15 | @AngryBritain | Money does not buy taste? Discuss http://twitpic.com/25ipva |
| July 15 | @warren_bennett | Golf. Hours and hours of televised cloud. Genius. |
| July 15 | @janeprinsep | I am here. This is where I swim #mysky http://bit.ly/90nEaq |
| July 16 | @ewenman | Absolutely loving http://www.1000awesomethings.com |
| July 17 | @bigwelsh | The weather is glorious, why not go play outside? … http://twitpic.com/2655ck |
| July 17 | @sheepdean | Photo: fuckhappiness: http://tumblr.com/xo2dmlxzx |
| July 18 | @MrSamJohnstone | @iamchads To be honest, I think it transcends sit com. It is farce of the highest order, with the wit and characterisation of Molière. |
| July 18 | @TheDollSays | I’ve just put a new app on my phone. I say ‘app’, I’ve stuck a glittery My Little Pony sticker on the back. |
| July 19 | @StarchildCoop | I’ve managed to get so much hairspray on my mirror, I can’t tell if it’s me I’m looking at? Well, apart from the fact it’s me in front of it |
| July 19 | @Galinoz | ‘Peeps’ nicely Twitterfies into ‘Tweeps’. I’ve realised you can’t do the same thing with the word ‘chat’. |
| July 19 | @quantick | I think Fleet Street and the MoD should swap places. The Army might not like it but the press would have a field day. |
| July 19 | @OnlineAStevens | For those that like their cornflakes with a bottle of red – how to open a wine bottle with a shoe http://bit.ly/dxC7EX |
| July 20 | @Revmoon | I quite like Kylie’s latest. Does this mean I have to take one up the dookie shoot? |
| July 20 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads I think they bulk up the mid-week prize with lint, buttons and jelly tots. |
| July 20 | @TheDollSays | I’m drinking a Chilean wine so cheeky I had to stop it ringing my neighbour’s doorbells and running away. |
| July 21 | @TheDollSays | Home to Hampshire today. Going to reassure mum I don’t need to move in now. I say ‘reassure’, more ‘wrestle the valium out of her hands.’ |
| July 21 | @caitlinmoran | If you love Bill Murray, you’re not going to love him any less at the end of this INCREDIBLY RARE interview: http://bit.ly/cIIsUL |
| July 21 | @domjoly | http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html this is officially the funniest site I’ve been on in ages |
| July 21 | @RitaVonSleaze | R Kelly is really from Merseyside. His brothers R Wayne and R Liam were OK, but things were not good at school for his youngest brother Sol. |
| July 21 | @TheDollSays | Just said the words ‘structural integrity’ when describing a block of cheese. The wanker alarm sounded and my mum hit me with a mallet. |
| July 21 | @TeenyBella | Ready? #clackster69 http://yfrog.com/mkqv5j |
| July 22 | @tortytweets | Morning! I just yawned so deeply I think I’ve dislocated my jaw. Good job I have clickety snake jaws. |
| July 22 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads There was a moment of silent manly understanding so intense, my mum and I had to look away. Emotional. |
| July 22 | @iSwarb | @iamchads A touch. I will ring NATO the minute you start going on about “Year HB Zero” (that almost works…) |
| July 22 | @SyzygySweetie | Too much rose and geranium oils in the bath. I now look like I should be lying next to some goose fat potatoes at Gas Mark 6. |
| July 22 | @TheDollSays | Put a wine glass down and it smashed. Clothes seams are intact so clearly was a freak accident and not my long awaited Hulk transformation. |
| July 22 | @TheDollSays | So apparently Lambeth police won’t do anything about the menacing presence outside my door because it’s ‘only a spider’. Fascists. |
| July 23 | @TeenyBella | @Bellerants You look like a complete HOTTIE in you avatar. Men huh? Let’s make out. |
| July 23 | @OctoberJones | Dad sent a pic of himself in new glasses. Me:”(Haha) You should’ve gone to SpecSavers” Him:”I should’ve worn a johnny” Very clever father. |
| July 23 | @Fanny_McTwanny | I know a bra can pop them under my chin but I’ve come to the conclusion that a boob is a shy creature that prefers to hide under armpits. |
| July 23 | @OctoberJones | I’m designing characters for piece of software for 3 yr olds. Love it when clients give feedback like:”Make penguin a bit less holding guns” |
| July 28 | @collinslateshow | Have just walked down Ashford High Street. It looks like Jeremy Kyle’s green room. |
| July 29 | @TheDollSays | So tired, can’t be bothered to get ready. May just mash my face directly into my make up bag and hope for the best. |
| July 29 | @TheDollSays | Someone’s posted the personal details of a 100,000,000 Facebook users online. Only after 100,000,000 Facebook users did it themselves. |
| July 29 | @TheDollSays | Red wine headache demands bacon sandwich. I am having Starbucks yoghurt and granola. I deserve a punch in my twatty capitalist face. |
| July 29 | @TheBig_Sam | Went sleepwalking at 4am last night. The wife came out to find me pouring gin, cranberry juice and ice shavings down my japs eye. |
| July 29 | @paulinecjones | @fulhammatty @iamchads You should try living in Yorkshire. Shower of work-shy cunts. #dolescum |
| July 29 | @DavidNobbs | A smarmy hotel pianist once asked ‘What would you like me to play next?’ Comedian Ted Ray replied ‘dominoes’. (Told me by Barry Cryer) |
| August 2 | @TheDollSays | The BBC asked Jordan to do ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ but talks failed when they refused to rename her episode ‘Don’t You Know Who I Am?’ |
| August 3 | @TheSleepyNinja | The rattling in my car is now so severe that I am wondering whether I have a stowaway tambourine player in the boot. |
| August 3 | @TheSleepyNinja | @TummyCustard dave’s insanity sauce made my lodger deaf for an hour. |
| August 3 | @shell150675 | And the award for best support act goes to *drum roll* my bra for allowing me to run for the bus & keeping my boobies from blacking my eyes |
| August 3 | @TruthSandwich | @TheSleepyNinja could only eat a speck at a time with other stuff. Had to fire it into the sun to get rid of it in the end |
| August 3 | @TruthSandwich | RT @IndieLou Rubbish day so I went to the loo to for a little cry. As I was sat there, feeling sorry for myself, a roof tile fell on my head |
| August 3 | @Absinthe_Fairie | Some days ur the bees.Some days ur the honey.Today I’m the allergic bear who got its nose stuck in the hive & forgot its epi-pen. |
| August 3 | @undercoverman | @DarkBeige I like calling people a paedo, irrespective of context. I like nonce-sequiturs. |
| August 4 | @mental_nigella | Food news. The people who make Tyrells crisps now make a vodka called Chase from the potato waste. Just been crowned best vodka the in world |
| August 4 | @TheDollSays | If I rest my arm on the edge of my desk for a minute it leaves deep indentations. In my more paranoid moments I worry I’m actually Morph. |
| August 4 | @littlemissWENCH | Very apt right now. http://twitpic.com/2blb8a |
| August 5 | @fulhammatty | *note to shelf* must tidy books |
| August 5 | @TruthSandwich | I don’t mean to boast but my Tyrannosaurus Rex impression is really coming on a treat. Raaawr and so forth |
| August 5 | @Average_Batman | Just made some mint origami shapes out of the order forms in Argos. Tom went wild when I turned his hat into a boat. It was mega |
| August 5 | @BinaryDad | There is a Campbell testifying at a war crimes trial and is Naomi, not Alastair? *Sigh* |
| August 5 | @MyMuses | Hey @Average_Batman next time you feel the pull to pucker paper, why not whip out one of these! http://twitpic.com/2brsa6 |
| August 5 | @mrchrisaddison | I wouldn’t want a blood diamond. I had a kidney stone once and that was bad enough. |
| August 5 | @TheDollSays | Yesterday I was complimented on my ‘meeting room set up’ skills. Today I hope they notice how neat my writing is on this suicide note. |
| August 5 | @TheDollSays | Accidentally typed ‘Heathwow’ on a travel itinerary. I can’t believe Heathrow’s marketing department has never used that. |
| August 5 | @StarchildCoop | My heart always breaks a little, when someone gives themself a nickname. |
| August 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | Waiter asked me if I wanted a Super Salad the other day. I said, Wow what’s that! He replied, “well one is a soup and the other is a salad” |
| August 5 | @mattwhatsit | Kerry Katona invited to Wilmslow Leisure Centre to answer questions about receiving blood diamantes. |
| August 5 | @TheDollSays | It’s casual Friday at work tomorrow. I may or may not turn up. |
| August 6 | @TheDollSays | My colleague’s skirt is so short I can almost see what she’s thinking. |
| August 6 | @tartan_miss | Put my hand between my boobs (outside shirt) and pointed upwards to my face. Guy went bright red and choked a little. Haha fucker!! |
| August 6 | @Average_Batman | Just had a bottle of Malibu. Asked Mrs.B if she wanted to bump n grind after our rice & peas. She said she might after Countdown |
| August 6 | @2bras7cats | the massive French boss (with bad breath) gave a big speech about how we’re the best team ever, and here’s to the next year and bollocks. |
| August 6 | @TheDollSays | It’s lucky I don’t have OCD or the odd number of soaps I counted in the toilets during hand wash number 88 would have really upset me. |
| August 6 | @SyzygySweetie | @Clairesa @TheDollSays Even if he’s veggie I bet he prefers toad-in-the-hole to a nut roast. *sniggers* |
| August 7 | @littlestormys | Where are we going again? http://twitpic.com/2cdo6k |
| August 7 | @TheDollSays | I just walked past a young chav couple having a screaming argument. It was so upsetting I almost choked on my superiority complex. |
| August 7 | @kenarmstrong1 | You are the place that I will go, when I’m grey and old. (Robbie tries to write his own vows). |
| August 7 | @FlyoverJoel | Wife rolled over and elbowed me in the head. In return, I jumped off the dresser and body slammed her. So yeah, we are awake now. |
| August 7 | @TheDollSays | My gran used to say that thunder was the heat of lightning causing vibrations through air expansion. She was shit at whimsy. |
| August 7 | @tortytweets | I’m home. I can tell this by the thumping reggae bass and revving engines. It’s the audio equivalent of Hansel & Gretel’s pebble trail. |
| August 7 | @shitmydadsays | “See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I’m thinking; How can I give less of shit? That’s why I look interested.” |
| August 8 | @TheSleepyNinja | When officially does a large courgette become a small marrow? http://tweetphoto.com/37621880 |
| August 8 | @TeenyBella | @iamchads @thesleepyninja I adopted a rabbit and g-pig from the RSPCA and they died after I washed the hutch out with flash the next day 😦 |
| August 8 | @tortytweets | @novanine @TheSleepyNinja @TheDollSays Seconded! Although a boyfriend, please, for me. I do not wish to take the sapphic path. |
| August 8 | @tartan_miss | I was rubbing shower gel on my boobs in the shower.They both twitch in a pronounced fashion, one after the other.Think they’re possessed |
| August 8 | @SimonBishop | “Sorry, not in service” must be a popular suburb of Manchester. Most of the buses I’ve seen this morning are going there. |
| August 8 | @TheSleepyNinja | This one is for @iamchads , my imported Cuban is the size of South America. http://tweetphoto.com/37735971 |
| August 8 | @PissedJamesBond | Told M I was up to my eyes in the mission. By eyes I meant balls. By mission I meant quim. |
| August 9 | @TwitsHitTheFan | I got caught stripping in a barn earlier. My partner was starting to lose interest and my shrink told me to do something sexy to a tractor. |
| August 10 | @DavieLegend | I’ve just seen a man wash & dry his hands, then used the paper towel 2 open the door when leaving. Pity for him I’ve pissed on his keyboard. |
| August 10 | @menialmoose | Ok fine I DON’T know – When you’re done smirking Mr & Mrs “I’m so worldly”, exactly what IS a ‘turd bugler’? |
| August 10 | @TheDollSays | Colleague’s homemade dress looks like a lampshade glued together by a blind chimp in a thunderstorm. I said it was nice as I’m on probation. |
| August 10 | @DavieLegend | Best. Tweet. Ever. RT @planetjedward It’s so weird this morning edward broke a bowel at breakfast and then the cocopops went everywhere! |
| August 10 | @Fanny_McTwanny | And this is why I got no work done today.. http://tweetphoto.com/38093429 |
| August 10 | @TheDollSays | While at the doctors the housing benefit office called me. I haven’t interacted that much with my local authority since I punched a dustman. |
| August 11 | @TheSleepyNinja | Hallucinating with tiredness now. For those who liked Haltlose yesterday. Today’s word is hypnagogia. Night twitter, Sublime dreams. |
| August 11 | @TheDollSays | Had my music on so loudly I was nearly run over by a Fed Ex van. On the plus side I would definitely have got to casualty by 10am tomorrow. |
| August 11 | @TruthSandwich | Sore throat, exhaustion and gunked up eyes. Just how I’d feel if I’d been giving blowjobs down the docks all night. I imagine |
| August 11 | @mixmasterfestus | Got an email offering tickets to the Alan Titchmarsh Show. Can’t go as I’m pulling my toe nails out that day. |
| August 11 | @tortytweets | @TheDollSays It’s impossible to sweat in this office,the a/c is on “cinema” setting. And breaking a sweat would imply I’m doing actual work. |
| August 11 | @mixmasterfestus | Has anyone ever written a sexy text adventure book? To attempt to undo the bra, turn to page 45. To give up and go home, turn to page 135. |
| August 11 | @TheSleepyNinja | Why is Yacht such a grammatical/phonetic rebel? I could never get away with spelling robot robacht. |
| August 11 | @TheDollSays | Today I apologised for getting in the way of my own reflection. I think I’m ready for my massive bodily tick and a good row with a pigeon. |
| August 11 | @TheDollSays | Every day in the run up to a period brings a new hormonal symptom. It’s like an advent calendar with ‘fuck you’ printed behind every door. |
| August 12 | @TheConnArtist | TV idea: “FasterChef”. Contestants prepare Pot Noodles & cheese toasties. “Cooking doesn’t get quicker than this!” Show duration: 7 minutes. |
| August 12 | @davesusetty | When I say ‘Do you mind if I charge my phone in that plug?’ it sounds like ‘Oi, cunt, move your fucking ass’, judging by the guy’s face. |
| August 12 | @TheDollSays | I’m going to the theatre tonight but I’m not a theatregoer. There’s a subtle but vital difference involving not being a pompous fucktrumpet. |
| August 13 | @TheDollSays | Friday 13th, the day all hockey goalies must wear their ‘not a serial killer’ masks featuring a picture of Jesus holding a kitten. |
| August 13 | @TheDollSays | Colleague emailed saying ‘Here’s the report, let me know if you have any issues.’ I may respond with ‘Well I think my ears are too small.’ |
| August 13 | @TheDollSays | A woman here has just announced her engagement. She looks like a pubic wig in a polyester suit which just shows there’s hope for everyone. |
| August 13 | @AngryBritain | Dog drags girl 7, down the street by her head, leaving her with horrific injuries. ‘That’ll fucking teach you to make eyes at Alex’ she says |
| August 13 | @mattwhatsit | Another day in social media, another day of ‘Hi!’s and LOLZ. |
| August 13 | @fowget | One bonus #ff as a prize for overcoming technology and defeating his new Blackberry (just) this week http://yfrog.com/0gi47sj |
| August 13 | @TheDollSays | I just spent £14 on six birthday cards. Fucking sentiment-pedalling bloodsuckers. Next time I’m making my own out of glitter and hair. |
| August 13 | @TheSleepyNinja | In the bar with @TheDollSays someone asked for the wine list. Bartender knew it off by heart. “We have white.. And red” |
| August 14 | @DeedPole | Jade came to me in a dream, told me she wanted to go in Ultimate #bigbrother. I asked should I start a campaign? She said Lambrini would do. |
| August 14 | @_iamjules | @Clairesa Were his Irish eyes smiling? What about Ryanair? You can go Teesside to Cork in a flying skip for 23p |
| August 14 | @TeenyBella | As Mama I says, don’t let the grass grow over your feet or something. |
| August 14 | @mattwhatsit | Finished swimming. A lad who has probably masturbated 12 times in the last 24hrs is preparing our over-priced lunch. I’m having omelette. |
| August 14 | @mattwhatsit | The pool was full of single Dads. A couple of them tried to start a conversation. I assume they wanted to sex me. |
| August 14 | @martindeeson | @MylesGregory They have real absinthe here? Now we’re f’in talking. Really? Only had it once – from Andorra – I saw green mind porn for days |
| August 14 | @kenarmstrong1 | I just confused marinade with serenade. The chops may be delayed but they *will* be tender. |
| August 14 | @fowget | @JackiePatie @redhatman We can get up to whatever we want whilst you are locked up at your lesbian retreat |
| August 14 | @TheDollSays | @Syzygy79 Made it back safely from Bornio, Alfonso was a godsend on the clear up. Lost my pearl handled pistol in poker game though. You? |
| August 15 | @_iamjules | @Clairesa So close but yet so far. Were you waiting on the bridge? It’s like a Geordie version of Sleepless in Seattle |
| August 15 | @TeenyBella | Typical. The only guy I’ve liked for ages lives a thousand miles away. Or something. It’s foreign and everything. |
| August 15 | @JimBobbers | @iamchads 7 (next week), 9 and 12. Family ? Pah. More like a loose confederation of warring factions. |
| August 15 | @Quaristice | “I’m Fiona Phillips. These days, people ask me if I’ve tried Olay skin products because I have a face like a deflated soufflé.” |
| August 15 | @firmpear | “I’ve come here to drink milk and kick ass. I have finished my milk…” |
| August 15 | @GlennyRodge | If I was any more tired, I’d be (a) asleep, (b) dead, or (c) crabby, fighty over-tired & shitbaggy. Actually, I might have reached (c). |
| August 15 | @iamchads | @redhatman He’s definitely a pooftah then. He can sleep on your side of the tent… |
| August 16 | @TheDollSays | Only three of us in the office. Colleague said ‘It’s like someone’s died.’ No, it’s like there’s only three of us here, you morbid twatbomb. |
| August 16 | @TheDollSays | @Ferders I guarantee it. They probably all wank over Outlook calendar updates. |
| August 16 | @BECKintl | Wife and me are rearranging the furniture. I’m doing it in my head first—she’s moving the furniture with her head. She’s a typical Aries. |
| August 17 | @Srveedub | @iamchads Blackberry- tickle my back, make me coffee and then make a start on that ironing you said you’d do, I am naming mine Rhonda |
| August 17 | @Twistedlilkitty | ‘You’re dancing, what are you listening to?’ ‘Creep by Radiohead’ ‘The least dancable song ever’ ‘It’s not like I’m doing the Charleston’ |
| August 17 | @DeedPole | Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I’ve left the ears you lent me in the garage, I think they’re all there but if any are missing, give me a bell. |
| August 17 | @tortytweets | Old Mother Hubbard is clacking his knitting needles at quite a pace today! I might have to slip a micky in his cupasoup. |
| August 17 | @TeenyBella | Tonight I shall be working until 10pm. Some people call that dedication. I call it ‘shouldn’t have done fuck all last week’ |
| August 17 | @EatMyHalo | “Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near?” “My face is made entirely of Trill.” “Oh.” |
| August 18 | @_iamjules | @JimBobbers Hang on….it’s still a bit early for me…..Do you make pizza or roll around in an empty dalek base being evil? Which? |
| August 18 | @fowget | @iamchads That’s part of the brainwashing, once we find her code word to “trigger” her, we can get her to assassinate who we want |
| August 18 | @fowget | @JackiePatie @iamchads Just talking about girls and football and the film about gay porn I was watching |
| August 18 | @fowget | @iamchads Unless I’m shagging, then I’m Wheezy |
| August 18 | @fowget | Vineger Tits is singing again next door, today she is trying to communicate with dogs via the medium of cat rape in G minor |
| August 18 | @fowget | @JackiePatie @iamchads It’s about friendship more than bumming. So there. Anyway, when is Hot Buddist Lesbians Vol 4 available to buy then? |
| August 18 | @TheMarydoll | I dreamt I had a hoose full of big cats, dinosaurs & 1940’s gangsters. I have no idea wtf thats supposed to mean & I didny eat any cheese. |
| August 18 | @DeedPole | @janeprinsep Its just that, not to lessen the seriousness (well ok to lessen it a bit) he might have been a ‘randy therapist’. Congrats x |
| August 18 | @DeedPole | Can you tweet me the saxophone solo from Tina Turner’s ‘Simply The Best’. (In words not a link). Stuck at ‘der ner banana Neenah nene dado |
| August 18 | @tortytweets | @TheDollSays I ate a packet of love hearts last night. I showed no gratitude, ramming them in one after the other. I needed the affection. |
| August 18 | @quotestanhope | If yr goin 2 be offended by a little cigarette smoke I’ve got a tit-fuck joke that’s goin 2 blow yr heart right through yr rubber underpants |
| August 18 | @TheSleepyNinja | Yesterday all the office programmes disappeared off the work desktop. Today the entire computer has vanished. Freaky. Maybe its a ghost. |
| August 18 | @tortytweets | @TheDollSays I love the one about “the sky is falling” *wrong chick lit* |
| August 18 | @tortytweets | @TheDollSays I don’t like it when KFC say it’s finger licken good.As if the sky fell &the Colonel scooped up the remains and deep fried it. |
| August 18 | @avi1111 | Just polished off a gigantic plate of pasta. Feeling guilty about my carbonara footprint. |
| August 19 | @lucyinglis | Please excuse me while I attempt to care less about A-level results…Oh look, I’m back having found it impossible to care ONE IOTA less. |
| August 19 | @TheDollSays | A gorgeous little project from my Twitter sister @SyzygySweetie. Smile! http://tumblr.com/xrmg5jq2r |
| August 19 | @stebax | Lovely exchange last night summed up our relationship. I was outside bringing in the washing. Mimed “I love you” and made a heart shape… |
| August 19 | @stebax | …she mimed throwing up and then shooting herself. |
| August 20 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads The IT dept stole it to repair a registry fault. Feel lost without it. I keep clicking the disconnected mouse.. |
| August 20 | @Papa_Shango | My wife told me that my immaturity needs to change otherwise it could erect a barrier between us.hahahahaa erect. |
| August 20 | @Papa_Shango | I dont know why Heather Mills is so concerned about land mines. She’s only half as much at risk from them as everybody else. |
| August 20 | @Papa_Shango | I keep trying to put in ‘penis’ as my password on facebook but it keeps coming back as saying its ‘too short’ |
| August 20 | @Papa_Shango | I decided to get my morning fix of hash and coke. Thought I may as well make it a meal, so I bought a sausage egg mcmuffin too. |
| August 20 | @TheDollSays | Actually life is quite like the movies. Overpriced, full of annoying twats and towards the end you can barely hold in the pee. |
| August 21 | @lucyinglis | @JulieChisholm @TeenyBella Fickle is the modus operandi of the hobby lemon. That way you only get the fit ones. |
| August 21 | @germgirl | Have briefly escaped work. Will now perform 1004 point turn to exit parking space. |
| August 21 | @TheSleepyNinja | Mustang Sally is the playlist for the wedding. If the DJ knew the couple he would know that Sally has a Corsa and Paul is on his 4th Vectra. |
| August 21 | @TheSleepyNinja | Just stepped down an ordinary looking step that turned out to be about 3 foot down. Quite enough excitement for one night. |
| August 22 | @wowser | Moth’s locked himself out, tapping on the window: “Where’re your keys?” “Keys? I’m just a moth” “Not good enough!” (I’m not letting him in.) |
| August 22 | @TheSleepyNinja | Apologies now for any boo hoo hoo mwah mwah mwah hangover tweets tomorrow. Je suis tres pissed on brandy |
| August 22 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads blagged a lift back. I was walking and tweeting and fell down a 3 foot drop into the driving test centre car park. |
| August 22 | @TeenyBella | Quote of the day when waking up In bed with three people – I knew I shouldn’t have given my mobile number to the lesbian midget Mr T. |
| August 22 | @EatMyHalo | Got robbed in Thailand. I was going to report it, but the scenery was just so beautiful I thought “ah, Phuket.” |
| August 22 | @germgirl | There’s a lovely bit of blue cheese in my fridge. Thing is, I’m fairly sure it wasn’t blue when it went in there. #terriblehousekeeper |
| August 22 | @Wireman | Memo to all media: I don’t care who’s in the Stig suit. This is not investigative journalism. It’s funsucking cuntery. http://bit.ly/c7gNBa |
| August 22 | @mount_st_nobody | A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks, “Why the long face?”. The horse, already depressed, walks home alone, reflecting on past regrets |
| August 22 | @JoshSansom | A flying car? Now I’ve seen everything. Have you seen a man eat his own head? No. Well then you haven’t seen everything and neither have we. |
| August 22 | @DavieLegend | http://twitpic.com/2h9uqu |
| August 23 | @TheDollSays | Girls wearing men’s brogues, I know you think you look like Pixie Lott but actually it looks more like you’ve misplaced your calipers. |
| August 23 | @TheDollSays | Being at work on my birthday is rubbish so I treated myself to an hour locked in the toilet howling for my lost youth and a cupcake. |
| August 23 | @lucyinglis | Just phonebothered Mr I from the supermarket when he was in very important deal-doing moment. #whoops |
| August 23 | @lucyinglis | @JimBobbers Well, Mr I took it well, but the tone of this voice made the back of my legs sting. And not in a good way. |
| August 23 | @mattwhatsit | A friend has a posh wood-burning stove. Everytime I’m in his kitchen I sing “FLASH! AAAaaaa-ga!”. We all shake hands and agree I’m funny. |
| August 24 | @fowget | Last night I dreamt that a species of monkey runs so fast that the friction causes their bollocks to catch fire. Morning everybody |
| August 24 | @Flying_Rodent | If Tiger is offering £480m divorce settlements for 5 years work, I’ll marry the guy. He can pump whoever he likes, so long as he ponies up. |
| August 24 | @MrMisterMan | I hate it when a posh person swaps the ‘w’ and ‘h’ around when they say ‘why’. |
| August 24 | @_iamjules | @tortytweets NEVER believe them Torty for the lies slip smoothly from their evil tongues whilst their faces display not a flicker of guilt! |
| August 24 | @lucyinglis | Girl on this bus has a figure to die for. And a face that could crack walnuts at ten paces. Proper Rosa Klebb scary. |
| August 24 | @lucyinglis | @katrinagulliver Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch. Not good. |
| August 24 | @lucyinglis | Get thee behind me Emma Bridgewater! I shall not have thy tasteless measled goods in myne home. Nor thy lettered-for-the-ignoramus crockery. |
| August 24 | @TheConnArtist | If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard “if I had a pound for every time I heard that, I’d be a millionaire”, I’d be a millionaire. |
| August 24 | @TheSleepyNinja | @DavieLegend The superking |
| August 24 | @_iamjules | @Fowget @redhatman Does ‘muscling in on his turf’ have more than one meaning? |
| August 24 | @TheDollSays | Goodnight Twitter. May the cat of happy dreams find its way safely out of the fetid wheelie bin of your subconscious. |
| August 25 | @pezholio | O+P+T+I+M+U+S = 15+16+20+9+13+21+19 = 113 is a Prime number; Optimus = Prime. Your mind = Blown Again. /ht @EXECUTIVESTEVE |
| August 25 | @GlennyRodge | I’ve had to make my own tea today yet some folk are outraged about someone putting a cat in a bin. Let’s have a bit of perspective, people. |
| August 25 | @TheDollSays | The engineers may well be fixing the lift but the frequency with which they’re using the word ‘shaft’ strikes me as gratuitous. |
| August 25 | @kittydoodle | I’m off to the chippy for dinner. And by that I mean I’m going to Loch Fyne, because this is Surrey. |
| August 25 | @fowget | @JulieChisholm @iamchads The Ford Dildo? |
| August 25 | @fowget | @JulieChisholm @iamchads @jimbobbers To offset the Prius, does your husband drive a Hummer powered by children’s tears? |
| August 26 | @shitmypopesays | “Be careful what you wish for, boy. A private army of fruity men sounds amazing, but just think of all the shots they need!” |
| August 27 | @missellabell | @yoghurteater he absolutely is. They both are, really. One is gorgeously fat and sings and the other invites clockmakers to stay.. |
| August 27 | @td_ward | Stallone: I think women love clever banter, not just saying, “Let’s go to my house and get naked.” He hasn’t met women from Stoke then. |
| August 27 | @TheConnArtist | @iamchads Our computer system is hilarious. Looks like something from “War Games”. We were promised a new program in 2007. Still nothing. |
| August 27 | @shitmypopesays | “All of my flock are treated the same. I don’t care if you’re white, Caucasian, straight, married, male – everyone is equals!” |
| August 27 | @TheDollSays | Just asked for the bill in a restaurant. I decided to shirk the usual ‘writing’ mime and instead put on a short display of shadow puppetry. |
| August 27 | @wobblyvirtue | Never mind. Back home soon to see what ‘Nigella’ has cooked up. |
| August 27 | @firmpear | Once bitten, slice thigh #zombieproverbs |
| August 27 | @sharonGOONer | Horse and cart carrying vital evidence to court collapses and all is destroyed. It is a miscarriage of justice. |
| August 27 | @TheDollSays | Been snack shopping for the party tomorrow. Just grabbed the usual; runner beans, Piccalilly (for dipping) and a family pack of cream horns. |
| August 27 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads Your tweet about your wife earlier. I’m not gay or owt but I *may* have slightly welled up. Anyway, fuck off etc. |
| August 27 | @BarkPamphlet | Via @goybo Comic artist Emmanuel Guibert draws with WATER!!! No, really: http://bit.ly/9o99x0 Beautiful, I trust you’ll agree… |
| August 28 | @_iamjules | Today I will mostly be tidying* & entertaining*stuffing items under beds & rugs & hoping that our guests don’t notice the lumpy floors |
| August 28 | @crazycolours | “What’s the first thing you notice about me? Piercing eyes? My impressive salsa moves? It certainly won’t be occasional bladder weakness.” |
| August 28 | @shitmypopesays | “No, I don’t have all the answers. But I have a toilet made of gold, so fucks to them!” |
| August 28 | @TheDollSays | Going out tonight. I’m going to set my phaser to ‘Party’! Just as soon as I work out how to get it off the ‘Gigantic Twatnugget’ setting. |
| August 28 | @brumbino | Not even the man who was given the wrong type of ladder wants to be on |
| August 28 | @TeenyBella | @tortytweets @iamchads oh, he has pox too. He’s contagious within four miles. He’s like a cartoon Chernobyl |
| August 29 | @JimBobbers | @iamchads my friend, you are in the midst of a CHAVALANCHE. They are drawn to Argos to gawp at the ‘laminated book of dreams’. |
| August 30 | @MrsIrrelevant | My Sky is broke. So having a friend post this of fb made it better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4NeFo7zkfk |
| August 30 | @IamSilverFox | OH DEAR. Portuguese-Spanish bid publicity video is absolutely DIRE. I know they spend half their day in bed, but come on. |
| September 1 | @TheDollSays | If my cold is annoying my workmates, they’ll hate me when I show them what I learnt in my Competitive Screaming & Indoor Falconry class. |
| September 1 | @tortytweets | I’m sorry. I hate using the word teat but it was necessary. I promise not to say gusset though *oops* |
| September 1 | @NuneatonLeon | Just back from a meeting in Liverpool by the docks, what a shithole.#nooffencescousers |
| September 1 | @PublicBenjamin | Tony Blair says in his memoirs he had a premonition John Smith would die. Same one he had about David Kelly I imagine. |
| September 1 | @TheDollSays | Finished packing for my holiday. Three versions of Top Trumps, seventeen cola lollies and a comb. I fail to see what more a girl needs. |
| September 2 | @TheSleepyNinja | Morning Twitter, Epic journey from Basingstoke to Eastbourne today. I am picking up new alloy wheels. I will call today “Lord of the Rims” |
| September 2 | @TheDollSays | I gave up trying to decipher my boss’s ‘crippled chimp on a trampoline’ handwriting. I’m typing out the lyrics to The Fresh Prince instead. |
| September 2 | @tortytweets | There’s a girl sitting in’t window of Starbucks picking her feet.I’d pop in & hand her a banana but you’re not supposed to feed the animals |
| September 2 | @Rob_McCallum | Today, throw the term “Godhead” into a few sentences. No one will know quite what you mean but, not wanting to appear daft, they won’t ask |
| September 2 | @_iamjules | @Bellerants Seriously chick, take wads of cash. You’ll need it. Or be prepared to hang over a Granny’s balcony begging for toast :-p |
| September 2 | @_iamjules | @iamchads If we ever do meet remind me to tell u about nude kid, a belly buster and a sex injury on the night of many bananas 😉 Happy days |
| September 2 | @MrWordsWorth | My mom always said, ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.’I haven’t spoken to my mom since I was 16. |
| September 2 | @EatMyHalo | Ladies! Bet you can’t drink 4 pints and then laugh raucously without peeing a bit. I bet you a Tena. |
| September 3 | @martindeeson | Stephen Hawking’s done amazing job of uniting imams, rabbis and Xians.Maybe we should send ol robot wars on a tour of the world’s hotspots? |
| September 3 | @jezmo8 | Friday today, that means it’s either the start of the weekend or the start of a weak end. |
| September 3 | @BinaryDad | In 12 minutes my body leaves work. 6 1/2 hours after my mind jumped out the 1st floor toilet window and ran off. |
| September 3 | @TheSleepyNinja | Don’t understand football, after ‘friendlies’ is it the ‘silent treatments’ before the ‘if you don’t know I’m not telling you’ final? |
| September 4 | @DeedPole | I just found Shrek in my kitchen drunk off my honey-based home brew. I said ‘what do you think of it Shrek? Good? Bad? Or…Meady-ogre!’ |
| September 4 | @StarchildCoop | Obesity no longer seems to be the big health worry. I’d say it’s incontinence. Everyone seems to ‘piss themself laughing’ nowadays. |
| September 4 | @StarchildCoop | I discovered crisps. Not in a Christopher Columbus type way. I just mean I’ve found some tonight. |
| September 5 | @BinaryDad | This made me laugh so much, I even had to wipe away a tear. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tpCRBgs-LE |
| September 5 | @MrsCupidStunt | RT @fabio_capello_: “Wayne Rooney romps with £1200 a night 21 year old vice girl”. Shrek 4 should be fucking interesting then. |
| September 5 | @TheDollSays | Just passed a sign for ‘The Big Sheep’. After a brief discussion we decided even a 6ft tall sheep would warrant a signpost. |
| September 5 | @TheDollSays | We are at the bottom of the steepest village in the world. It’s so bizarrely steep, Escher would look at it and go ‘Blimey that’s mad.’ |
| September 5 | @_iamjules | @wobblyvirtue NO!#QuitYoJibbaJabba #Fool |
| September 5 | @warren_bennett | Earlier today,Charlie ordered a “croque monsieur sans jambon”. All the French people pointed and laughed at him. Actually,so did I. |
| September 6 | @nitsohara | Jayzis lads ’tis fierce close today altogether. I’m fairly shweatin’ buckets so I am. #IrishTweets |
| September 6 | @missellabell | #unexpectedrant #guesswho http://twitpic.com/2luy4t |
| September 6 | @whistlingduck | Nadia has a Danni Minogue look? I thought she had a Desperate Dan in a dress look #cdwm |
| September 7 | @robbnotes | The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. -Bertrand Russel |
| September 7 | @peter_watts | If you have never been in a house up a hill in the Languedoc during a major thunderstorm, I can thoroughly recommend the experience. |
| September 7 | @peter_watts | Thunder like a mountain collapsing, lightning like a star exploding, rain like anvils. Amazing. |
| September 7 | @Papa_Shango | Just got a letter from my bank stating a ‘Final Demand’How nice of them to tell me they won’t be bothering me anymore |
| September 7 | @Papa_Shango | BBC News: Bipolar disorder ‘not to blame for violent behaviour’Well, half of the time it isn’t. |
| September 7 | @tortytweets | Employers,if you persist in asking me to do things with numbers,I shall sign my emails “today’s Torty was brought to you by the no.3” |
| September 7 | @eops | @iamchads Im sure there is a proper definition somewhere but I like to think of it as my Sir Patrick Moore look http://yfrog.com/ndz3zmj |
| September 7 | @MooseAllain | I was eating a little madeleine cake the other day and in a sudden rush it came to me that I’ve never read any Proust. |
| September 7 | @robinbogg | Met investigation latest: “Andy, did you know about phone tapping?”; “No”; “Excellent. Saves us having to cover things up again. You can go” |
| September 7 | @dhmorton | RT @FakeAPStylebook: The correct plural of ocelot is oceshitload. Ocefuckton is vulgar and should be avoided. |
| September 7 | @lucyinglis | You know those conversations where you love them but if they don’t get off the phone you’re going to start rocking and moaning? That. |
| September 7 | @fowget | @iamchads @the_bawbag I’ve even got a book for @JackiePatie to read us at bed time http://yfrog.com/0ded7bmj |
| September 7 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads http://plixi.com/p/43836033 Chads, you have the stunning looks of a Hispanic Freddie Mercury impersonator.. |
| September 8 | @MaDom | I used to know my way around the girls without skirts in Stockholm. Now I know my way around the outskirts of Stockholm. I’m getting old. |
| September 8 | @ArmyofDave | Typical. You spend ages looking for your glasses & they’re on the head of the corpse in your cellar all along. |
| September 8 | @fowget | @iamchads @the_bawbag @TheSleepyNinja Does Englebert Humperdink know he’s got a twin brother (just came to me on the bog, sorry it’s late) |
| September 8 | @DavieLegend | Patsy Kensit may have had great tits 20 years ago, but her laugh is doing my lugholes in this morning. |
| September 8 | @TeenyBella | I cycled to work this morning. My bike is like a kid’s bike, with teeny wheels and a pink shopping basket. |
| September 8 | @theshedender | Adebayor believes Man City are now bigger than Arsenal? Man City are not as big a club as Spurs, Villa or Everton yet, stupid cunt. |
| September 8 | @mrS0CK | Don’t know what the problem is? I support the burning of Quorn. Its fucking disgusting and SHOULD be burnt. Bloody vegetarians. |
| September 9 | @lucyinglis | Sitting opposite man reading a fantasy novel and scratching himself. Willing to lay a not insignificant wager that he doesn’t get it much. |
| September 10 | @fowget | My inbox is getting out of control. Has anyone got a whip and a chair handy? |
| September 10 | @homosoup | I offered to help someone come up with a budget, which has reminded me that I need to reevaluate my own. #Ilovenumbersbuthatemoney |
| September 10 | @EatMyHalo | I’m in England right now! Find out where you are by going outside and checking. Then post it here so we can all be fucking thrilled by it. |
| September 10 | @homosoup | Omg, lefties dominate my timeline! You’re all going to team up with the Gingers and take over the world, aren’t you? #Imontoyou |
| September 10 | @GlennyRodge | I often doodle when I’m on the phone. My latest offering, the botanist, David Bellendmy… http://yfrog.com/n9y35cj |
| September 10 | @BECKintl | RT @lagonk http://twitpic.com/2mcqjg #FF |
| September 10 | @homosoup | @iamchads OH! LoL! You’re so sweet. 🙂 |
| September 10 | @hinge832 | Sorry to interrupt, but would you mind having a look at this picture http://twitpic.com/2n1wdz |
| September 11 | @mattwhatsit | @iamchads I hate you more. x |
| September 12 | @rosannecash | Wow. RT @Uncucumbered New York City. Our #sunset as this 9th anniversary of September 11th fades into history. http://twitpic.com/2njc6v |
| September 12 | @LFBarfe | Technology’s a wonderful thing, but I still do my best writing with a propelling pencil. |
| September 12 | @wobblyvirtue | As demolition of the ‘Get Carter’ car-park continues it takes on a ghostly appearance http://plixi.com/p/44695725 |
| September 12 | @hinge832 | Our Neighbourhood Watch chairman has announced in his newsletter that he is going away for 3 weeks |
| September 12 | @davesusetty | #ocdisms When I hear the word ‘Garnier’ on an advert, I always sing ‘Mmm, Danone’ after it. |
| September 12 | @ACenterForAnts | @Gembaleena How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read… if they can’t even fit inside the building? |
| September 12 | @vivmondo | ‘We are all in the gutter but some of us have found some tattered pornography by the drain.’ – Oscar Wilde (early draft). |
| September 12 | @nitsohara | I’m off to Lidl (‘Lidl: When You’re Even Too Pikey For Iceland’). I’m appropriately dressed in track suit, with hair in a ‘Croydon facelift’ |
| September 12 | @sharonGOONer | Hugh-Fernly-Cholmondy-Warner or whatever his fucking name is. |
| September 13 | @jacques_aih | I might open a shop called “Pi”. I don’t know what it would sell but it would be open 22/7. |
| September 13 | @TonyCowards | When I was a cop I hated people shooting my partner, that really got my back up. |
| September 13 | @JimBobbers | @WadyWiwwow I wish BBC weather the presenter would point to a big grey cloud, sigh and say “SHITE” then look heavenwards & flick the Vs. |
| September 13 | @TheSleepyNinja | The white stain I have been trying to scrub from the carpet for the past year is a reflection from the lamp. |
| September 14 | @fowget | A quick Audioboo I knocked out on the drive to work, if I’m honest, it’s not great. Dreams http://t.co/B43TKr1 via @Audioboo |
| September 14 | @ncguk | Rooney, n. Opposite of Clooney. |
| September 14 | @avi1111 | I’m quite the idiot savant. (what does ‘savant’ mean again?) |
| September 14 | @princesspip | I know phone, you have little battery left and as eloquently as you have made the point do shut the fuck up now. |
| September 15 | @MinutesofMayhem | Want to see Chelsea’s “Handlers”? You know you do, you lying bitch. http://yfrog.com/ne2equj http://yfrog.com/16cz4uj (Definite NSFW. ) |
| September 15 | @JimBobbers | ..we could go back to the 70s and use our technical knowledge of things to come to be dark overlords. And drink pints of large” |
| September 15 | @EatMyHalo | I do these rude things to give any pope supporters who happen to follow me a chance to FUCK OFF. *waves and throws cups of wee* |
| September 15 | @WH1SKS | My mate also saw sign today in London. This is where the sign theme ends. http://twitpic.com/2onfd1 |
| September 15 | @Wardotron | Once I accidentally reversed the car into a chap, in a car park outside the mortuary. I’d backed myself into a coroner. |
| September 15 | @fowget | @JulieChisholm I can’t wait. Have you had your fire extinguishers serviced recently? |
| September 15 | @TeenyBella | @Fowget @iamchads @juliechisholm I used to work in a prawn factory. They make them die by stewing them in their own puke. Honest. |
| September 15 | @princesspip | Lost in Transubstantiation #papalmovies |
| September 16 | @ncguk | Of course, I’m easily amused by the Pope. Your level of amusement may vary based on how fond you are of Jesus. |
| September 16 | @TheDollSays | Eating rehydrated noodles from a mug and doing photocopying. I’m one accidental tramp killing away from being someone I’d really dislike. |
| September 16 | @GrahamTCousins | #modernclassics The Tena Ladykillers |
| September 16 | @fulhammatty | The Pope speaks pretty good English, but struggled with ‘Edinburgh’. Then again, I can’t pronounce ‘kristallnacht’ or ‘ubergruppenfuhrer’ |
| September 16 | @princesspip | @iamchads ooooooo…you Chobhamer..not an actual word but wine fire, sorted. Friday tomorrow..happy days. 🙂 x |
| September 16 | @bluejag | George Michael is writing a new song with his cell mate – “Wank me off before your cocoa”. |
| September 17 | @chaosgerbil | @iamchads Have you had 15 yrs experience or 1 yrs experience 15 times. I think that I have mis-quoted Morehi Ueshiba. |
| September 17 | @The1nbetweener | You can take a horse to water. But why the long face? I’m shit at punchlines |
| September 17 | @_iamjules | @SyzygySweetie @iamchads Don’t want to burst the bubble but I just realised that I still have crusty egg & mustard in my ear from last night |
| September 18 | @wobblyvirtue | @JulieChisholm @fowget I’m Still reeling from screaming when u handled raw prawns. Same 4 chicken. These are ‘ingredients’ not ‘dead things’ |
| September 18 | @_iamjules | @iamchads A thin trickle of blood just ran from my left nostril. I think your last tweet caused a brain hemorrhage. Don’t say anymore.Please |
| September 18 | @NuneatonLeon | The Pope was interviewed by FHM Magazine as to which grooming products he used. He replied, “Haribo and Smarties are the best ones” |
| September 18 | @fowget | @iamchads @the_bawbag That was so funny I’ve just had a little “accident” |
| September 18 | @twiteryeanot | Will we ever find the time to just take the time? Sleep, work, clean, feed, defecate and breath. The time is short for life in general. |
| September 19 | @lucyinglis | If @50cent keeps up with mocking Justin Bieber fans I’ll be forced, out of sheer gratitude, to invite him round to break my headboard. |
| September 19 | @RyanCHutchings | AA Gill’s a cunt isn’t he? And after he wrote all of those nice stories about that yellow bear and Christopher Robin too. |
| September 19 | @mtrh | Jesus H Christhole. I’ve been playing xbox for 4 hours. Time to switch off methinks. |
| September 20 | @sween | George Clooney looks that way because when he was a kid he kept making handsome faces and it stuck that way. No, don’t stare. |
| September 21 | @fowget | @iamchads Oh the long winter nights must fly by |
| September 21 | @TheSleepyNinja | Don’t really understand javascript. Is this what happened to twitter? http://xkcd.com/722/ |
| September 21 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads My mate’s GF had a Mk1 Clipper cab. He discovered that at 45mph if you reached up the wind resistance felt like a boob. |
| September 21 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads we called it nork-speed. |
| September 21 | @GlennyRodge | I have a wee crush on the red in that baking show. That’s scottish/irish for a little bit. I don’t want to wee on her or anything. |
| September 22 | @TheDollSays | Carol Decker from T’Pau is interviewed about correct driving shoes on BBC Breakfast. Up next, Terence Trent D’arby discusses recycling. |
| September 22 | @TruthSandwich | There go my plans for an Ant All-Star Football League. Turns out these thousands of miniature goalposts on my desk are actually staples. |
| September 22 | @willmill82 | “GTF”, the old man says. “It means Get Tae Fuck, ahahahaha”. He continues to laugh uncontrollably at his own wit, I sigh and sip my pint. |
| September 22 | @stebax | Blog comment of the day: “Colin Murray’s darts coverage almost made me shit myself with rage”. |
| September 23 | @topresonancers | @iamchads your tweet “Athletes at the Commonwea…” is now featured on Twitter’s Home http://resonancers.com/u/iamchads |
| September 23 | @The1nbetweener | @iamchads look. You’re trending! http://plixi.com/p/46640153 |
| September 23 | @fulhammatty | Dear everybody in the world. “LOOSE” means slack, free, or un-tethered. The word meaning: to shed or mislay is ‘LOSE’. |
| September 23 | @ncguk | This week some cunts have moved into the house across the street. They haven’t done anything cunty yet but they will, the cunts. |
| September 23 | @TruthSandwich | For one brief, brilliant moment, I thought I’d found my purpose in life. What a fool – turned out to be a dolphin. |
| September 23 | @EatMyHalo | I like to compress tree and plant matter for thousands of years until it’s ready to burn. That’s just how I coal. Sorry, had ice cream. |
| September 24 | @jacques_aih | I embarrassed myself badly during a free trip organised by my wife’s work, and ever since she won’t let me come on her jollies. |
| September 24 | @jacques_aih | My wife visited her friends in Hertfordshire and had a big argument. She doesn’t want to talk about her enormous Bushey hoohah. |
| September 24 | @themanwhofell | A beautiful girl is an inverted mirage. The closer I get to her the more I disappear. |
| September 25 | @kenarmstrong1 | Sam’s swimming teacher can remember everybody’s name after only hearing it once. He is my new hero. No, I don’t know his name. |
| September 25 | @jacques_aih | Last time I went to the cinema I spent 20mins going up and down the stairs. I shouldn’t have asked for seat directions from the Escherette. |
| September 25 | @mattwhatsit | Cliffhanger is Craig Fairbrass’ finest hour. He really captures 3rd Goon & makes it his own. When I think 3rd Goon, I think Craig Fairbrass. |
| September 26 | @TheDollSays | Louise Redknapp is by far Jim Henson’s most realistic muppet. #sftw |
| September 26 | @LadyJanieGeek | @iamchads be honest, you can buy cheap child labour in Waitrose if you know the manager |
| September 27 | @SlllEM | I’m wearing my “fuck my life its motherfucken Monday” shirt to work today. Can’t find my “suck my dick imbecile coworkers” matching tie |
| September 27 | @jacques_aih | I know a girl called Judy Finnigan/Face made up of goosey skin-igan/Next stop is the loonie bin-igan/Pours herself a gin-igan/Begin again. |
| September 27 | @vicbriggs | Unfortunate ending for the Segway CEO. Never heard of them before. Thought there was some collective Twitter spelling issue with segue. |
| September 28 | @brainpicker | Did you catch this? ☞ Europe mapped according to various stereotypes http://is.gd/fw7Vf |
| September 28 | @iamchads | Just generated a #TweetCloud, my top words are: haha, dude, fucking – http://w33.us/8csg (http://twitpic.com/2srskx) |
| September 28 | @SlllEM | If I ever get to name a sandwich, I’ll call it “shit”. “waiter, this sandwich TASTES LIKE SHIT?”. “indeed sir, hot and fresh. bon appétit” |
| September 28 | @MaDom | Polish experts say Europe is gonna get the coldest winter ever. Polish experts? Really? I also hear the Greek gives good economic advice. |
| September 29 | @lucyinglis | Going to have to go to Gloucester Archives. Any experiences/tips for me please? Besides ‘don’t’, and ‘measure twice, cut once’, obviously. |
| September 29 | @alisonkbirch | “People in their late 30s / early 40s are the unhappiest in the UK.” If ever there was a case for bringing back Bagpuss, this is surely it. |
| September 29 | @TheDollSays | Actually I have given up smoking, it’s just that my rewards scheme involves cigarettes. |
| September 29 | @jbrownridge | “If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.” — Carl Sagan |
| September 29 | @fowget | Don’t panic, the stoned email was asking if I wanted my organ enhancing. The jokes on them, I can’t even play the piano |
| September 29 | @TheSleepyNinja | Still coughing and sneezing like a dust allergy sufferer in an over the top movie set for a creepy mansion. Respiratory system fail. |
| September 29 | @TheDollSays | Colleague just said pistachios would be more popular if they didn’t have shells. I think she’d be more popular if she didn’t have a mouth. |
| September 29 | @nitsohara | It’s about 8 or 9 yoyos for a packet of fags here, it’d take me all day to count that out in tuppences. |
| September 29 | @icybloke | I now have a set of Shimano 105 SPD-SL pedals & a pair of Specialized road cycling shoes. I *am* aware of the phrase “all the gear, no idea” |
| September 30 | @DeedPole | Hate it when you accidently press send on a wrong tweet. … Bear with me… There’s a bear with me that’s why I accidently pressed send. |
| September 30 | @OctoberJones | New Twitter? More like ‘Poo Twitter’. Eh? Eh? New Twitter? More Like ‘New Shitter’ Yeah! *self 5* |
| September 30 | @MrMisterMan | @iamchads And that sir, is why you drive a BMW and I steal lead off church roofs to sell. (I don’t really) |
| September 30 | @Wardotron | Logistically, oversized goods are quite unpalatable. |
| September 30 | @GlennyRodge | Having got two pints of milk and some lemonade from the shops, I’ve just bought two thirds of a juvenile rhyme. I’m quite proud. |
| September 30 | @theboynoodle | @iamchads try ‘ed’ #SATIRE |
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