A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 6

The last of the year’s favourite tweets, topped and tailed (I’m sure they’ll appreciate the insinuation) by two of my favourite tweeters.
There really should be many more than 1600 tweets in the year, but what can I say? I’m distracted and disorganised.
Good aren’t they?
February 6 @GlennyRodge Is it gonna be windy tomorrow? Not sure I can stand another day of hair foofing and strangers coming up to me singing Shalamar songs.
February 6 @ElliottClarkson Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite. Or the ropes chaff your wrists and ankles. Just lie there and be still. I’ll be back. x
February 6 @EatMyHalo Superbowl?? Kill Bill is on!! Rugby pussies or ninja fights? No motherfucking contest!
February 7 @OctoberJones Pixie Geldoff reveals that she tries to avoid ‘hollow and fake’ celebrity parties. In other news, a fish tells press “I try to avoid water”
February 7 @Feisty_Onion I knew I was a Word nerd! > @feisty_onion scored 577 in The Times #WordNerd test. Discover your score at: http://thetim.es/word-nerd
February 7 @TheJohnnyMc Twitter the place where people pretend they are interested in what you are having to eat but think “Facebook wanker” in their brain muscle.
February 7 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads Book-em Chaddo
February 8 @TheConnArtist So happy. I managed to eat the required fifty mushrooms in one minute, and have now qualified for the Champignons League.
February 8 @TheSleepyNinja RT @DavidNobbs: Met a dyslexic Yorkshireman yesterday.  He had a cat flap on his head.
February 8 @CoffeeHooker Can one person, just one, do their fucking job well today so I don’t have to spend my time fixing their cunting mistakes.
February 8 @CoffeeHooker Putting me on hold with Vivaldi only heightens my awareness that seasons are passing while you deal with my enquiry. Hurry the fuck up.
February 8 @mattwhatsit @angryplumber At least I’m not covered in somebody else’s faeces. Shit boy.
February 8 @OnlineAStevens Hmm. Scally robber riding a prestine Vespa and scared by a handbag beating. Hoax I reckon! http://bit.ly/gzWnqT
February 8 @gazmanjones I am off to visit the beer shop. Would anyone like anything? Be inventive. Don’t just say “beer”. Though that IS all they sell.
February 8 @VictorianLondon Today, I inadvertently created the Conservative advertising campaign for the next election … http://twitpic.com/3xsjir
February 8 @TheConnArtist If you authorise someone to use a contradictory turn of phrase on your behalf, that’s a proxymoron.
February 9 @neillockwood Women! Don’t use your skirt to wipe baby’s ass! http://bit.ly/gxyVYo
February 9 @Revmoon Last night I dreamed I was Kylie Minogue fuckbuddy circa 1997. She was a lot dirtier than you might imagine, as was her sister & Bob Holness
February 9 @MrMisterMan It’s been officially announced that I’m leaving and not ONE person broke down and sobbed “Why god? Why?! Always the pretty ones…”. Bastards.
February 9 @TruthSandwich I’m exhausted today. Late-night sex on a work day is a bad idea. All that banging, shouting and screaming. I wish they’d keep it down.
February 9 @mofgimmers This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Excerpts from the Queen Mum’s book of remembrance. http://bit.ly/dWtfjR
February 9 @PaulShakeySharp Mary had a little bike
She rode it on the grass,
Every time the wheel went round
A spoke went up her arse. 

#OldSchool

February 9 @DavieLegend @tw1tterband what about a hoody with “DavieLegend fingered my daughter” on the back?
February 10 @craig_wijckaans thats it. I’m off to get bummed into madness by a certain Captain Kip. he’s relentless. shh…don’t tell the brigadier
February 10 @TruthSandwich Lola the Goldfish died last night. To be fair, she wasn’t exactly in the first flush – it took two goes & a hammering from the toilet brush.
February 10 @tumour #papersavingfail http://twitpic.com/3ycd2g
February 10 @TheDollSays Just checking the instructions on this Boots paracetamol. It says ‘Take two with water then patronise the fuck out of all men everywhere.’
February 10 @JimBobbers .@iamchads Reminds me of the time I saw a large Dalmatian take a dump in the middle of the road, on a bend…
February 10 @JimBobbers .@iamchads …no sooner had it arched it’s back and raised its tail, when ‘WHUMP’ a Volvo hits it up the chuff…
February 10 @JimBobbers .@iamchads …it’s expression was priceless. It was the indignant shock. Left a brown skid down the side of the car. It was OK though.
February 10 @sazzadee Kettle chips taste stale. You all know it but you eat them because they’re a bit posh. You’d all rather be woofing wotzits. #TwitterPoll
February 10 @Mr_Neurosceptic Menzies Campbell’s first name sounds like Joey Deacon trying to say “Bingo” #bbcqt
February 10 @GlennyRodge Francis got the biggest boo, coz Francis Maude’s a great big poo. #bbcquestionrhyme
February 10 @Harrythebanker Unborn baby has started kicking wife when she talks too much. He won’t be born for 3 months and already he’s got bigger balls than me.
February 11 @therealpostie @_iamjules cause the cat arse will smell of poo.
February 11 @andretorp I have a spring in my step this morning. My watch has exploded. So i also have a second-hand up my nose and a dial in my pocket
February 11 @wobblyvirtue Enjoying staring at the view from train window this am, avoiding appearance of pressing face against it and licking.
February 11 @princesspip hello.Today seems better than yesterday already. Unrelated my dream involved France, the nasty girl from The Ring and scary curtains.
February 11 @warren_bennett Man on this train talking loudly into his phone and ending every sentence with innit.He’s got a big bag.I want to ask him what’s in it innit
February 11 @GlennyRodge Tay-tay-tay-tay, ter-tay tay tay tay tay tay! Sorry, I was just getting fresh. Well, it is the weekend. #yesiknowthatsadifferentsongeffoff
February 11 @wobblyvirtue Oops! In Morrison’s with @_iamjules http://yfrog.com/h76zamikj
February 11 @paul_clarke You want some real #localgov bollocks to have a go at, @ericpickles? Try this: http://rb.tl/eKGRs1
February 11 @Dextronix Early breaking news leak!!! Sadly, one of the members of pop group Steps has passed away… http://tinyurl.com/4r8prl8
February 11 @TheSleepyNinja Sky+ screwed up my recording of True Blood, it is jumping and skipping like a flea after a family bag of skittles. Trippy
February 12 @shiraselko I just took in this Mint Milano® cookie so deep that its balls are on my chin.
February 12 @brainpicker 15 magnificent libraries around the world – a photoessay http://j.mp/gs2RCa (via @marcacohen)
February 12 @GlennyRodge @R_McCormack Okay, it might be while though. I’ve a bone in me leg.
February 12 @thesuzannemoore You know why !  Hit the road Jack! http://t.co/o03rMOX
February 12 @quantumbagel “Ugly people can’t just draw pretty on with eyeliner.  That’s why they cry.”  Stuff I teach my daughter.
February 12 @neillockwood So my wife and I have decided not to buy each other presents for valentines. Not falling for that, scheming bitch is trying to trap me.
February 12 @brainpicker If you missed it Thurday ☞ 5 essential books for word geeks and language lovers http://j.mp/e7kTdp
February 12 @brainpicker So you know: How to fold a newspaper sheet hat http://j.mp/gtjVtv Because if print is dying, might as well have fun with it.
February 12 @fowget I appear to have been possessed by the avatar of @iamchads  http://yfrog.com/hsgqmzdj
February 12 @GlennyRodge May have misheard but was just asked “Excuse me cunt. You know where Judge Street is?” I sent them the wrong way so I guess they were right.
February 13 @H4HBEAR I went to get my viagra from the chemist but they accidentally gave me tippex instead, I now have a massive correction!
February 13 @suzefff Not sure I feel comfortable anymore when the dog hasn’t seen me for 5 mins or so – he gets way too ‘excited’ #stiffy
February 13 @lucyinglis Mr I: Look at these *disgusting* people in Liverpool shirts hanging about at the back. This is what you get in the North. #roadshow
February 13 @mattwhatsit @DavieLegend So it was a painful, sexless defeat?
February 13 @BECKintl Just a Mondrian style shadowing in my tea room. http://t.co/ukWfyHs
February 13 @caitlinmoran I love Helena Bonham Carter. She has the air of a woman who smokes nub-ends off the patio at 3am. I mean that in a good way.
February 13 @BabyFowget I’ve found a place that when I kick it, it makes Mummy fart
February 13 @blindfumble @TheConnArtist that made me feel all warm n fuzzy *checks tenalady* yup… Tepid and fuzzy 😉
February 13 @DJMissfrenchie No vocals but a sweet remix #NowPlaying — Linkin Park – In The End (Drum And Bass Remix) http://t.co/xqO58fM
February 13 @TheConnArtist @blindfumble On reflection, my best career move would be to compete in Japan as a Sumo wrestler. I’d be called “The Shithouse”. *eats lard*
February 13 @rhodri Roses are expensive / violets aren’t particularly attractive in my opinion / sugar is alright in limited quantities / what do you want
February 13 @TeenyBella My ex fiancé planted snowdrops in a love heart shape in our back garden on valentines day one year. It was lovely.
February 13 @TeenyBella He also shagged a joey eyed waitress but I like to concentrate on the good memories.
February 14 @shiraselko Roses are red
Violets are violet
I just got drunk
And puked in the toilet.
February 14 @GlennyRodge Celebrities on Question Time and Question of Sport. *sighs* Soon it’ll be “And now the 10 O’Clock News with Brian Cant & Pam Ayres”.
February 14 @RickHarwood @DavieLegend @teenybella Of course it’s not wrong, you black eyed bell-end. I just thought I’d throw some doubt in to help your insecurity.
February 15 @2bras7cats I’ve been given the most bloody awful task. It’s so boring that anyone who asks me what I’m doing will die of boredom as I explain it.
February 15 @2bras7cats One day I’ll meet someone who will be able to continue talking to me after I’ve ruined their attempt at smalltalk.
February 15 @2bras7cats I’m ashamed of myself for writing that. Back to my bullshit bank statement correction bullshit bullshit bullshit.
February 15 @GlennyRodge Quickly flicking through my timeline, I think I spotted my future wife. Can’t see her now. Oh well, she’d probably turn lesbian anyway.
February 15 @OctoberJones I’m not saying staff at my local Sainsbury’s are inept, but I’ve used self checkout twice and I’ve already been named Employee of the Month.
February 15 @TheConnArtist Every person I’ve met that hated “Thunderbirds” doesn’t trust the police. They’re Virgilantis.
February 15 @decath10n There’s nothing like seeing your ex with a new man. Oh. Wait. Yes there is. A large syringe of emotional anthrax administered by a clown.
February 16 @OctoberJones Cheryl Cole admits to having ‘girl crush’ on Rihanna in classic “I-didn’t-win-a-Brit-so-I’ll-imply-I-might-be-lesbian’ ploy.
February 16 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads I went for 3 n’s and 2 y’s “Tonnnyy” I sounded like a wiseguy.
February 16 @OctoberJones Text from Dog “Emptied the dishwasher. Smashed everything except one glass…. Nope smashed that too. Cutlery is A-OK. Buried it all”
February 16 @brainpicker Could it be? This American Life discovers Coca-Cola’s secret original recipe http://j.mp/fh9VzC (via @GMSV)
February 16 @lucyinglis @iamchads Utter – ly? And you have the cheek to squeak my pips over grammar Chads. *tuts**goes back to crocheting alphabet*
February 16 @lucyinglis @iamchads *makes waxen Chads doll**heats pins* Oh no no, you carry on.
February 16 @TrumptonFireman Why did the French chef kill himself? He lost the huile d’olive.
February 16 @princesspip Have been id’d for the second time in a month..which frankly makes those two people blind, special or paid by someone who loves me.
February 16 @TheRealDjSpoony What subject have Arsenal got after double Barcelona?
February 16 @mrschads I want my 3 boys to be little & gorgeous, running round in nappies & needing car seats & ME. Now its girls, homework, detentions, arguments.
February 16 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads @mrschads @fowget Gin, if you can’t forgive then help yourself to forget.
February 16 @SwearySausages You know when the label states ‘dry clean only’. They really mean it don’t they.
February 17 @fowget I’m not the camp one in the red hair, that was Foz my best man  http://yfrog.com/h4ebusj
February 17 @BECKintl Today’s daily cartoon is a very useful one. It is written by @MaudTheMaid and came to my attention via @TwopTwips.  http://t.co/0R3sr3X
February 17 @fowget RT @TweetSmarter: r/t How to Display Your Latest Tweets in Your Email Signature http://bit.ly/hVFk04 << How to get myself sacked in 1 step
February 17 @fowget Fill your boots Gregg, you fat cunt #masterchef
February 17 @fowget @iamchads Of course it’s a mask, I look happy on my wedding day
February 17 @GlennyRodge Me: In light of the recent public sector job loss announcements & the latest unrest in the Middle East, should I have a cup of tea?  Me: Yes
February 18 @Wardotron A man walks into a shop.
Man: Can I have a copy of the Echo?
Shopkeeper: Echo?
Man: Echo.
Shopkeeper: Echo?
Man: Echo.
Shopkeeper: No.
February 18 @gazmanjones @mattwhatsit Morning, sir. Perved on your audioboo last night. To me you sound a little like Arthur the Caterpillar from ‘Willo the Wisp’.
February 18 @OctoberJones “Luke, I am Your Father” “Nnnoooooooooooo!” “‘s Accountant. Geez let me finish why don’t you. Drama Queen” #MissingMovieLines
February 18 @lucyinglis Crikey. Where did the morning go? Ah yes. Well, anyway, it’s the Covent Garden sex trade this afternoon. The rough stuff. You know me.
February 18 @nitsohara I asked @Eamonn_Forde and his suggestion was a place near the station that would cut my hair for 8 quid and throw in an eyebrow trim.
February 18 @GlennyRodge I’d quite like to have a syndrome named after me. Nothing horrid; maybe a thing that makes you occasionally say ‘and I turned round & said’.
February 18 @mrschads @princesspip @fowget @_ndf Is ‘brilliant’ code for something? I am stone cold ‘unbrilliant’ but @iamchads on the gin so probably’ brilliant’
February 19 @CoffeeHooker Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that sometimes you couldn’t stab them to death in their sleep.
February 19 @TeenyBella I’ve added Hoop Dreams to my lovefilm rental list for no other reason than it’s called HOOP DREAMS.
February 19 @Ade1965 Anyone wanting the new updated and working ubertwitter can get it here http://ubersocial.com #iPhone #Blackberry
February 20 @andretorp Wife: have u toddler proofed house? Me: yes W: so its safe for children now? Me: yes W: why u got plasters on? Me: don’t want talk about it
February 20 @TeenyBella Mama I: claire a bella what is that top you’re wearing? Me: I paid £80 for it from all saints. Mama I: I wouldn’t get buried in it.
February 20 @shoutsatcows That plumber who fixed my hot water yesterday? He’s coming back later today to actually fix it. The fucking shitheaded cunt.
February 20 @fowget A retweet is an acceptance that everyone you know is funnier than you
February 20 @SimonBishop One of the bar staff in the Kro looks like Olive from “On the Buses”. I’m probably the only person on here old enough to remember that.
February 20 @jacques_aih When Archimedes found the source of the extra liquid in the bath he shouted “Urethra!”
February 21 @GlennyRodge You know when you do a tweet containing one sentence about something silly followed by another just containing the word ‘that’? That. That.
February 21 @almacdSE1 You know what the best thing is about M&S ding dinners? The fact the plastic comes off in one go.
February 21 @shinytuppence dear people, I’m not as green as i am
cabbage looking.
February 22 @Bourne_Stupid Black Ops training makes life awkward. gf asked me for a ‘bit of slap and tickle’. When she is conscious again we’ll see about the tickle
February 22 @decath10n New sport idea: same rules as Kabaddi except the chant is ‘Gadaffi’ and instead of holding hands and grappling, it’s handcuffs and gunshots.
February 22 @OctoberJones Pocket handkerchief? Shit glasses? Talking on phone in the Quiet Zone? Here we see the typical, pompous cuntios. http://twitpic.com/42n37r
February 22 @TheConnArtist @OctoberJones He looks a curious mix of Fabio Capello and Su Pollard.
February 22 @OctoberJones @iamchads For the ‘scientific swearer’ 🙂
February 23 @blindfumble I’m losing followers faster than Biebers balls are dropping.
February 23 @BECKintl Have you seen that daily cartoon my mate @iamchads has written? http://t.co/m61BL7k
February 23 @iamchads @fowget No, but I did tell someone, “Aisle stick my boot up your apse in a minute”. Hehe, straight from the top of my dome. Freestyler. Word
February 23 @_iamjules @fowget It’s got a trunk you spazza!
February 23 @TheJohnnyMc @OctoberJones @krunchie_frog They also possess inhuman strength and like to pull ears off! #iWasTaughtByNuns #EvilBeyatchs
February 23 @BECKintl Imagine today’s daily cartoon spoken with a snarling, tyrannical voice. Losing Followers, written by @blindfumble. http://t.co/oAJyeZy
February 23 @StarchildCoop The following may sound almost conceited : conceit
February 23 @TheDollSays I miss the old 90’s Masterchef where you had three very sensible housewives from Surrey who’d no sooner cry on TV than flash their girdles.
February 23 @decath10n A vortex of vacuity. #themodelagency
February 24 @BECKintl Warning: today’s daily cartoon contains violence. It’s an illustrated tweet of @biscuitnose. Enjoy it or don’t. http://t.co/oWNqzL8
February 24 @TheDollSays @Club_80_nights Only in the depths of Guildford, I fear.
February 24 @jacques_aih Cockney girl at work: “I love a big finish in the boat race”. Me: “I didn’t know you were a rowing fan?” Cockney Girl: “A what now?”
February 24 @tortytweets @iamchads Do you also do that when the Iams advert comes on? *gerrit!**sorry*
February 24 @tortytweets @fowget @iamchads He’s not just any Chads. He’s an IamChads.
February 24 @GlennyRodge @iamchads Ah, of the Surrey Wankenchads? I know your aunt, Minky von Wankenchad.
February 24 @GlennyRodge @iamchads Actually cringed at that name. So posh. “So Mr Jackhartamagherafelt, how do you pronounce that?”, “Jackson”.
February 24 @GlennyRodge @iamchads Absolutely. And there’s that university *Gareth Hunt ‘magic the beans’ hand signal*
February 24 @TheDollSays My neighbour’s car alarm is so soothing. It’s like being lulled to sleep by twenty howler monkeys trying to gang bang a broken accordion.
February 24 @nitsohara I’m going to watch the final installment (natch) of Episodes. Two days after most of you lot. So, no acting the maggot with spoilers now.
February 25 @EatMyHalo This shit on BBC1 is shit. Hearts in bogs, ocd food preperation, stupid taps. I have no idea what’s going on. I hope they all die.
February 25 @MadMedic1 @iamchads I have lived for 35+ VAT years and have never heard of that! I thought a chad was a cartoon of a big nose guy hanging over a wall
February 25 @CoffeeHooker Dear IT, Do you know what fucks me off? You do, don’t you because I just told you in excruciating detail. Give me my cunting laptop, CH x
February 25 @blindfumble Nearly done… #ff he is to art what Thom Yorke is to laser eye surgery, the very talented @BECKintl
February 25 @jacques_aih Caller: “Our annex isn’t the one we ordered” Me: “Sorry – you’ve got the wrong extension”.
February 25 @jacques_aih I just saw some hospital assistants at a bus stop. They were forming an orderly queue.
February 25 @BECKintl Apparently The Official Website of America. http://bit.ly/g3TcWR via @neillockwood [Good find!]
February 25 @jacques_aih Ken Dodd said he wanted to leave a quilt on my floor. I said “Over my bed Doddy”
February 25 @DJMissfrenchie @iamchads Dechiré ce soir?!
February 25 @neillockwood Before all this text dumbing down ‘FFS’ was a puncture.
February 26 @jacques_aih When I was arrested, the police kept me on edge by serving me tea of varying standards. It was a good cup, bad cup routine.
February 26 @thesuzannemoore Last Night A DJ Saved My Life – Indeep Official Video http://t.co/gxTNnLO x
February 26 @iain_fale I am far angrier about govt response to getting Brits home from Libya than plight of Libyan people. Cos they is foreign innit
February 26 @fowget I am, therefore I paint
February 26 @jacques_aih I always get “imply” and “infer” mixed up. Anyway, I’m off to watch The Towering Implyno.
February 26 @GlennyRodge I don’t know why but I keep stealing my flatmate’s footwear. I should see someone about that. I think I might have his shoes.
February 26 @BECKintl My wife dislikes flea markets. The idea that one day all of her stuff will end up in such flea market boxes saddens her. We bought nothing.
February 26 @Lemonosity A wintry beach shown on TV: flat sunlight, pale colours, wet sand. My heart leaps and dips for my seaside childhood like it would for a man.
February 26 @neillockwood I tilt my head at a slight angle when talking to people these days just so they think ‘What the f*ck is his problem?’
February 26 @neillockwood My older brother once told me part of adulthood was a sudden awareness of everything. Still waiting, starting to suspect it was a prank.
February 27 @paul_clarke Giotto-tastic! – man draws perfect circle in less than a second. http://youtu.be/eAhfZUZiwSE via @rhodri @edyong209
February 27 @RogerQuimbly CBS to axe Two And A Half Men. The Sheen family should be used to a little Charlie chopping.
February 27 @GlennyRodge This latest Ashley Cole incident has got me thinking. He’s a fucking idiot, isn’t he?
February 27 @BabyFowget @Knittedgnome So would you be if you saw the genes I’m inheriting; big nose, fat belly, terrible dancing ability and that’s just Mummy
February 27 @TheConnArtist Nick Clegg went away for a skiing holiday when David Cameron was in Africa. He clearly has a taste for slippery slopes.
February 27 @mattwhatsit 16yo: “Saw Black Swan last night.” “Oh okay, any good?” “Yeah it was actually. You’d like it dad, quite ‘lezzy’.” #parentingwin
February 28 @BECKintl Yes, it is. http://bit.ly/epFkI2 (pic) via @neillockwood
February 28 @iSwarb @fowget @iamchads Seems likely. But in fairness to me (my favourite kind of fairness), I thought you wanted us to behave like monkeys*?
February 28 @BECKintl I’m Like a Bird is today’s daily cartoon. @jamesgfarrell has written it. Enjoy. http://t.co/f69cg4U
February 28 @MooseAllain I managed to smuggle a lever arch file into the prison inside a cake, but I spoilt the joke by saying “lever arch” too near the beginning.
March 1 @BECKintl I’m in a cafe. The coffee tasts shite, though it has a French name at least .
March 1 @fowget @Knittedgnome I didn’t realise you was a big football fan
March 2 @alisonkbirch Going to have to put my quality management head on soon. I say ‘head’. It’s a pink balloon with an interested face drawn on.
March 2 @fowget We shouldn’t judge Ferguson too harshly when he comments on a referees performance, remember, he is a very old man and a cunt
March 2 @Bourne_Stupid The CIA asked if I could murder a Sheikh. I think I misunderstood as I now find myself in a McDonalds
March 2 @GlennyRodge Time to watch a load of old bollocks on the telly. Oh no, there’s only shit on tonight. Note to self: shit Wednesday, bollocks Thursday.
March 2 @lucyinglis @_iamjules You are gay.
March 3 @RogerQuimbly The Real Human Centipede: Rupert Murdoch, Jeremy Hunt, Us.
March 3 @lucyinglis The R4 stock mummer playing the boy with Downs Syndrome in this drama needs to feel the back of my hand.
March 3 @GlennyRodge Star Wars FACT: C3PO’s real name was Colin 3 Post Office. R2D2 was just a vacuum cleaner that he thought could talk to him. The big idiot.
March 3 @lucyinglis Eating savoury rice at my mother’s dining table, surrounded by books. It’s like inhaling 1996.
March 3 @DannyDoes #Chelsea #CFC If anyone is bored at work or just would like to rewatch the 2-1 win over Man Utd – http://bit.ly/en6JOo
March 3 @lucyinglis Sister is buying me a sports bra from the outlet near her work. When I told her the size she said cheerfully, and I quote, ‘Hubba hubba’.
March 3 @lucyinglis This is more a reflection of my sister’s internal narrative than it is of my chest. This is a woman who talks to her text messages.
March 3 @mrschads @iamchads @lucyinglis Yeah and I took the job – eventually.
March 3 @BECKintl Hold on tight. How not to clean a window: http://bit.ly/e9YXJv via @LettersOfNote
March 3 @GlennyRodge You know that annoying washing-machine 5 minute flashy light wait thing? That’ll be out when I’m president of England. That and Top Gear.
March 3 @OctoberJones Kid on the bus just yelled something at me. Didn’t catch it all but I know it ended with ‘CUNT!!’. Hope it was something complimentary.
March 3 @kervinf Oh, you’re a vegetarian? Then how come you’re fat?
March 4 @michlan Morning. In honour of the new twitter for iPhone, I’m wearing a black band round my head. *stumbles over, knocks self out on doorhandle*
March 4 @GlennyRodge Dear people who refer to their cars as ‘she’, Where’s the frock? What about the little car boobies? Hmm? Hmm?
March 4 @MrMisterMan Today is my second to last day in this job. My couldnotgiveafuckedness is reaching epic proportions.
March 4 @GlennyRodge The starey kid in the takeaway looks like he wants to ask me something. I hope it’s about my hat & not the trouser stain.
March 4 @grazingbison #ff @iamchads & @fowget. Twitter bread & butter. Essentials. And nutritious.
March 5 @MooseAllain My wife is having a nice lie in bed, reading. My 5yo has just described this as “staying up early”.
March 5 @_iamjules I think my cat has started smoking. There was a faint smell of Regal Superkings about her when I just picked her up there
March 6 @FavoriteSayings Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.
March 6 @EastressStar Me:You’re staring at me.
Mama:I’m not.
*silence*
Mama:Look,I HAVE to ask:Were you thinking of doing ‘something’ with your hair?
Me:I am now.
March 6 @JGONeill @iamchads “You come in here with heads full of mush, you go out with a McDonalds, including a Crunchie McFlurry…”
March 6 @MrLondonStreet Life isn’t what happens while you’re making other plans. Watching Jurassic Park by accident is what happens while you’re making other plans.
March 6 @fowget RT @Blackberry Do not buy our phones if you wish to enjoy Twitter, they are shit
March 6 @_iamjules Skankalina Doley is on channel 4. I imagine @iamchads is glued to the tellyscreen by his lips. It’s @mrschads I feel sorry for  😦
March 6 @_iamjules @iamchads @mrschads It is. She’s rank!
March 6 @mrschads @fowget @_iamjules @iamchads I see it as my duty to eradicate her from his memory & make him see she is just female version of Jamie Oliver.
March 7 @Prof_BrianCocks Newton’s equation F=MA should be used to calculate the level of ‘smash’ required for a ladies ‘backdoors’
March 7 @GlennyRodge I feel strongly that I’m somehow predetermined to sell home-made jams, chutneys & sponge cakes. I’m a great believer in fête.
March 7 @lucyinglis @iamchads
March 7 @warren_bennett @SimonNRicketts There’s an old Italian saying,”you fuck up once,you lose two teeth.”
March 8 @BECKintl Made a second version of today’s daily cartoon. What do you think? http://t.co/nJjkdnw @SisterWhitloe
March 9 @brainpicker How long different animals live, in a vintage infographic http://j.mp/hMXtF7
March 9 @TummyCustard “Life is all about the choices we make in this lifetime of learning.” Fuck me. I’m happy to lose the follower and block that shit.
March 9 @princesspip Son is in the shower washing German sentences off his arm..i have uttered the phrase ‘cheats never prosper’.
March 9 @CoffeeHooker FB: I couldn’t give a flying fuck that I was tagged in a photo. Unless I’m doing handstands with a panda up my arse, I don’t want to know.
March 9 @CoffeeHooker Hierarchy-Pyjama-Cunt-girl left the meeting room flushed with messy hair. If she’s had a wank I might give her some respect. But she hasn’t.
March 9 @MooseAllain Got a meeting of Freudians Anonymous tonight, just having a quick look to see what’s on the pudenda.
March 9 @PaulShakeySharp I know I turned my laptop on for a reason, but I can’t for the fucking life of me remember what it was.
Hello twitter.
March 9 @MooseAllain Seeing people misusing foreign words always sends a little schadenfrisson down my spine.
March 9 @OctoberJones Most men would have sex with a woman in novelty socks. If we’re being honest, if sex is on offer, most men would overlook a third arm.
March 10 @ellamaura RT @stephenfry Rather astonishing and unusual new website just opened – http://t.co/2HtuUFd – extraordinary.
March 10 @Knittedgnome I bring u the 1st in an occasional series of “Celebs without their make-up” 

Minnie Mouse in Costa Coffee http://t.co/r78Qjm7

March 10 @GlennyRodge Breaking up is never easy but at least you get to bring games in that day.
March 10 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads Riding the peak of the boost. You make me so proud.
March 10 @BECKintl Since I’m off Twitter til Sunday I provide you @EggShapes’ The Hunchback of Notre Dame as second daily #cartoon today. http://t.co/3ns9v7S
March 10 @1orchardroad Had to get out of the house, They’re doing my nut in. I’ve come to the gym due to lack of friends. I’ll stay until closing time if I have to
March 10 @1orchardroad Why confirm plans with my mother once when I can confirm them twenty times? FGS.
March 10 @fowget Calvin & Hobbes comics free http://market.android.com/details?id=com.eaa.calvinandhobbes
March 11 @michlan “@Alexandjef: I’m pretty sure Jamie Oliver’s next programme is going to be called ‘AM I JESUS?’” << #WorthaF
March 11 @CoffeeHooker I should go to work soon. Someone has to kick Hierarchy-Pyjama-Cunt girl in the minge. She will be doing something right now to deserve it.
March 11 @GlennyRodge I officially have the hump today. Well, not officially; I’ve not got a badge or anything. Stupid idiot badges.
March 11 @RichHL #FF @iamchads, an officer and a gentleman.
March 11 @neillovell So what if Jesus turned water into wine…I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus…
March 11 @jacques_aih Sean Bean seems to die at the end of a lot of his films. I guess most Bean flicks end with a little death.
March 11 @TheSleepyNinja Writing up the notes for my day’s work and just had a CRAFT moment. Can’t Remember A Fucking Thing.
March 12 @wobblyvirtue Noises from upstairs. The Kraken awakes.
March 12 @princesspip lovely day and i am off to the countryside for the weekend. I love that countryside allows the use of the word cunt (in my mind anyway).
March 12 @mrschads Spring is sprung, the grass is ris’, I wonder where them birdies is, some say the bird is on the wing but that… (cont) http://deck.ly/~6C1je
March 12 @JimBobbers I just got proper told off for doing nothing. Felt about 5 years old. *looks at shoes*
March 12 @The1nbetweener Never used ‘innit’ before. And never will again. And ting.
March 12 @DannyDoes #Arsenal #AFC  http://twitpic.com/48vgbb
March 13 @mattblak @MooseAllain Sexually Arousing Person of an Oedipal Persuasion #RPSongs
March 13 @andretorp When i compress my broken toe betwixt my thumb and forefinger it doth cuntinge fuck
March 13 @justsendTulips Some people get so uptight about my use of the word fuck. If your one of them, fuck you, you fucking mother fucking fuck face. Fuckers
March 13 @parkyerbike Pick battles big enough to matter, but small enough to win #justsaying
March 13 @LadyJanieGeek When I was 7 I looked like the test card girl. Same vacant expression & no mates to play with. Odd clown obsession too
March 13 @The1nbetweener Desperately clinging on to Sunday like it’s the last branch before the fucking big waterfall.
March 14 @MrMichaelWinner @The1nbetweener don’t leave me sir you like a nice clean cut young man I should b yor hero
March 14 @MrMichaelWinner @The1nbetweener good nite mr ib
March 14 @BECKintl The Five Stages of Twitter: Completely Lost, Hashtag Games, Infatuation, Resentment, Acceptance. via @kenarmstrong1 – me: stage 4 –
March 14 @BECKintl @iamchads http://t.co/unhAaLs #mondrian HELLOOOO!
March 14 @BECKintl Okay here I am again, your little green man, announcing a new daily cartoon, written by the lovely @ProfessorSnack. http://t.co/ZoiU25J
March 14 @Bonzai1888 This is still my favorite of all time… 

http://twitpic.com/49i50b

March 14 @BECKintl My son says these LEGO ALPHABET SPACESHIPS! are cool: http://bit.ly/hefTKq @tr4inspotter’s link via @andertoons
March 14 @GrahamTCousins http://bit.ly/eMnOhV  Soft Cell – Bedsitter
March 14 @blindfumble The most beautiful mugshots I’ve ever seen. 

http://bit.ly/etZmt8

March 14 @lucyinglis Do we really need advertisements for sanitary products? Really? ‘Have a happy period’ must be known in the trade as ‘clutching at straws’.
March 14 @martindeeson At start of this train I downloaded Simon Sebag-Montefiores ‘Jerusalem’ and ‘Angry Birds’. Suffice to say I am now at Level 6 of one of them
March 15 @MrWordsWorth Ides of March… http://bit.ly/fQvpcS
March 15 @jennylandreth If you want a 2nd hand wetsuit, and your criteria is ‘must not have been pissed in’, this is for you http://bit.ly/hn2LDc (thanks @TimGoffe)
March 15 @The_Trellis Any company that has a ‘mission statement’ on a plaque by their front door? The bosses are >utter< wankers. Be nice to the staff
March 16 @TheSleepyNinja My nick-name at work became, “Swiss-Tony” during our trip to Geneva. It. Has now been shortened to “Swiss”. I quite like it.
March 16 @quantumbagel @OverworkedLady  *slow hand clap*  As a come-back, that dates from just after Spangles but before Space Dust.
March 16 @TheDollSays On a mid-week afternoon, Brixton looks as though the Job Centre has had a fire alert and the entire high street is the assembly point.
March 16 @2bras7cats I know it’s been said a lot, but Sarah Jessica Parker really is a boiled horse.
March 17 @Paxochka Birds falling from the sky. Floods. Earthquakes. Tsunami. Facebook. 

That’s five signs of the Apocalypse. We’re officially screwed.

March 17 @Deja_Moo Sorry I missed you, so I left the parcel in the….. http://twitpic.com/4aab2z
March 17 @MooseAllain The Reverend Spooner was not in fact a clergyman. He was actually just called Speverend Rooner, as he continuously failed to point out.
March 17 @Revmoon How do I add a signature to Blackberry emails? I want it to say “I own a Blackberry, who wants to touch me?”
March 18 @EmmaK67 But that to one side, let’s end the evening with the greatest picture ever taken. Ever. Just ever.  http://yfrog.com/h7sf1xwj
March 18 @sharonGOONer Having great breasts doesn’t endear me to everybody. I have my knockers.
March 18 @jacques_aih I’m concerned about Steps reforming. These things can escalate.
March 18 @BECKintl Since Friday (Freitag) is also German police’s day off you can easily take @1755Dictionary’s advice: http://is.gd/SGl3kk
March 18 @neillockwood If you’ve got a really strong fetish it’s called a fet.
March 18 @lucyinglis @iamchads Deviant.
March 18 @GlennyRodge Sad looking girl with a camel toe has just walked into the restaurant. Poor thing’s probably in need of some cuntfoot food.
March 18 @TheSleepyNinja @iamchads I have slipped some haloperidol into your g&t, now just smoke this marlboro I have laced with lorazepam and it will all go away.
March 18 @TheDollSays Good evening. Is that a new top/hairstyle/nose/sexual preference/walk? It suits you.
March 18 @brainpicker If you missed it ☞ Words Without Words – lovely visual dictionary of words with abstract, complex or underused meanings http://j.mp/hvikbw
March 19 @sharonGOONer Pissy Ray is a Spurs fan who lives in a bungalow at the bottom of my garden. Barred from every pub in Harlow. Very entertaining.
March 19 @GlennyRodge England lost the hefty cuddling? In my expert opinion, I think they cuddled a bit too heftily in previous games. Grand ham next year, maybe.
March 19 @lucyinglis Stepfather: ‘I miss him. Lovely chap. I’d’ve bent over backwards to help him. But not forwards, which was possibly more to his taste.’
March 19 @GlennyRodge Ooh, it’s the boat race next week. One year, one of the A-Team was in it. I forget which one though.
March 20 @neillockwood Funny? It made me well up. http://bit.ly/h8QeO8
March 21 @jennylandreth Inside my jacket is a label reading ‘Be at one with the garment’. Someone made that up, and other people applauded.
March 21 @jennylandreth ‘Genius!’ they may have said. ‘You have captured our essence. Now we can sell the garment. Bon chance, garment, bon chance’.
March 21 @TheEllenShow Happy 5th birthday, @Twitter! You’re only 5 and you have over 4 million friends. When I was 5 my best friend was a hubcap.
March 21 @sharonGOONer This is my replacement in my old office. By @kellycocktail  http://twitpic.com/4bxar0
March 22 @WadyWiwwow @iamchads @fulhammatty  oh i do like a kerfuffle or too but up here in ecosse we have stramashes a step up from kerfuffle but not a riot!
March 22 @fulhammatty @WadyWiwwow @iamchads oh I say! You do have some wuff and wugged chaps in Scotchland don’t you? Tarquin gave me a funny look once at Polo :p
March 22 @PaulShakeySharp Following the staff meeting on Saturday it sounds like I’m the Boss’ new blue eyed boy, so I’m going to milk him like a fucking Jersey cow.
March 22 @CoffeeHooker Work: You’re a bunch of fucking cocksuckers. How do you manage to give me rage when I’m not even in the office? Well done, you arse bandits.
March 22 @The_Trellis et pour ce soir je suis cooking sauce bolognese avec les chicken livers- il peut etre une complete et totale fecking disastre
March 22 @The_Trellis moi- je suis couverte avec le sang- mais le creuset avec les ingredients smells bloody delish
March 23 @neillockwood The dog’s next door, outside the pub. (pic) http://bit.ly/eiPfFn
March 23 @Knittedgnome @iamchads @fowget
Argh yes I apolomagise (Homer says that, it’s allowed)pls accept my sincerest apple bogies on all counts
*punches self*
March 23 @wowser I sign all handwritten letters: “Sent from my Bic Biro device”.
March 23 @SarahODonovan77 @iamchads I live in Brum and i can officially say that we only know the words, ‘bab’ ‘babba’ and ‘UB40’.
March 23 @TheSleepyNinja RT @BECKintl: Hello I’m sitting in a Vienna coffeehouse with a laptop on my knees, just as @OctoberJones once used to say #likeamotherfucker
March 23 @GlennyRodge Is it gonna be ‘got to iron all the shirt and not just the front bit’ weather tomorrow?
March 23 @MadMedic1 In other news: Hubbs sneezed & made the dog who was sleeping,  jump & fart at the same time…
March 25 @GlennyRodge Right, it’s tomorrow. I’m off. See you today.
March 25 @GlennyRodge Sorry, I really shouldn’t make fun of other tweeters. Piss-taking, it’s what I do best. I need help, please RT (see, I’m doing it again)
March 25 @mattwhatsit I reckon if you called Brian Cox ‘Bri’ enough times his happy-clappy exterior would drop and he’d fuck you a new birthday. #wonders
March 25 @JimBobbers That Kate bird that William is marrying has lovely firm breasts  http://twitpic.com/4d96zx
March 26 @TheDollSays I’m going to watch the boat race today. Haven’t decided whose yet. #cockney
March 25 @fowget @iamchads You cheeky cunt. I am Operations Manager supreme, which if I’m honest is just a glorified admin gopher


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