A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 6
The last of the year’s favourite tweets, topped and tailed (I’m sure they’ll appreciate the insinuation) by two of my favourite tweeters.
There really should be many more than 1600 tweets in the year, but what can I say? I’m distracted and disorganised.
Good aren’t they?
| February 6 | @GlennyRodge | Is it gonna be windy tomorrow? Not sure I can stand another day of hair foofing and strangers coming up to me singing Shalamar songs. |
| February 6 | @ElliottClarkson | Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite. Or the ropes chaff your wrists and ankles. Just lie there and be still. I’ll be back. x |
| February 6 | @EatMyHalo | Superbowl?? Kill Bill is on!! Rugby pussies or ninja fights? No motherfucking contest! |
| February 7 | @OctoberJones | Pixie Geldoff reveals that she tries to avoid ‘hollow and fake’ celebrity parties. In other news, a fish tells press “I try to avoid water” |
| February 7 | @Feisty_Onion | I knew I was a Word nerd! > @feisty_onion scored 577 in The Times #WordNerd test. Discover your score at: http://thetim.es/word-nerd |
| February 7 | @TheJohnnyMc | Twitter the place where people pretend they are interested in what you are having to eat but think “Facebook wanker” in their brain muscle. |
| February 7 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads Book-em Chaddo |
| February 8 | @TheConnArtist | So happy. I managed to eat the required fifty mushrooms in one minute, and have now qualified for the Champignons League. |
| February 8 | @TheSleepyNinja | RT @DavidNobbs: Met a dyslexic Yorkshireman yesterday. He had a cat flap on his head. |
| February 8 | @CoffeeHooker | Can one person, just one, do their fucking job well today so I don’t have to spend my time fixing their cunting mistakes. |
| February 8 | @CoffeeHooker | Putting me on hold with Vivaldi only heightens my awareness that seasons are passing while you deal with my enquiry. Hurry the fuck up. |
| February 8 | @mattwhatsit | @angryplumber At least I’m not covered in somebody else’s faeces. Shit boy. |
| February 8 | @OnlineAStevens | Hmm. Scally robber riding a prestine Vespa and scared by a handbag beating. Hoax I reckon! http://bit.ly/gzWnqT |
| February 8 | @gazmanjones | I am off to visit the beer shop. Would anyone like anything? Be inventive. Don’t just say “beer”. Though that IS all they sell. |
| February 8 | @VictorianLondon | Today, I inadvertently created the Conservative advertising campaign for the next election … http://twitpic.com/3xsjir |
| February 8 | @TheConnArtist | If you authorise someone to use a contradictory turn of phrase on your behalf, that’s a proxymoron. |
| February 9 | @neillockwood | Women! Don’t use your skirt to wipe baby’s ass! http://bit.ly/gxyVYo |
| February 9 | @Revmoon | Last night I dreamed I was Kylie Minogue fuckbuddy circa 1997. She was a lot dirtier than you might imagine, as was her sister & Bob Holness |
| February 9 | @MrMisterMan | It’s been officially announced that I’m leaving and not ONE person broke down and sobbed “Why god? Why?! Always the pretty ones…”. Bastards. |
| February 9 | @TruthSandwich | I’m exhausted today. Late-night sex on a work day is a bad idea. All that banging, shouting and screaming. I wish they’d keep it down. |
| February 9 | @mofgimmers | This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Excerpts from the Queen Mum’s book of remembrance. http://bit.ly/dWtfjR |
| February 9 | @PaulShakeySharp | Mary had a little bike She rode it on the grass, Every time the wheel went round A spoke went up her arse. #OldSchool |
| February 9 | @DavieLegend | @tw1tterband what about a hoody with “DavieLegend fingered my daughter” on the back? |
| February 10 | @craig_wijckaans | thats it. I’m off to get bummed into madness by a certain Captain Kip. he’s relentless. shh…don’t tell the brigadier |
| February 10 | @TruthSandwich | Lola the Goldfish died last night. To be fair, she wasn’t exactly in the first flush – it took two goes & a hammering from the toilet brush. |
| February 10 | @tumour | #papersavingfail http://twitpic.com/3ycd2g |
| February 10 | @TheDollSays | Just checking the instructions on this Boots paracetamol. It says ‘Take two with water then patronise the fuck out of all men everywhere.’ |
| February 10 | @JimBobbers | .@iamchads Reminds me of the time I saw a large Dalmatian take a dump in the middle of the road, on a bend… |
| February 10 | @JimBobbers | .@iamchads …no sooner had it arched it’s back and raised its tail, when ‘WHUMP’ a Volvo hits it up the chuff… |
| February 10 | @JimBobbers | .@iamchads …it’s expression was priceless. It was the indignant shock. Left a brown skid down the side of the car. It was OK though. |
| February 10 | @sazzadee | Kettle chips taste stale. You all know it but you eat them because they’re a bit posh. You’d all rather be woofing wotzits. #TwitterPoll |
| February 10 | @Mr_Neurosceptic | Menzies Campbell’s first name sounds like Joey Deacon trying to say “Bingo” #bbcqt |
| February 10 | @GlennyRodge | Francis got the biggest boo, coz Francis Maude’s a great big poo. #bbcquestionrhyme |
| February 10 | @Harrythebanker | Unborn baby has started kicking wife when she talks too much. He won’t be born for 3 months and already he’s got bigger balls than me. |
| February 11 | @therealpostie | @_iamjules cause the cat arse will smell of poo. |
| February 11 | @andretorp | I have a spring in my step this morning. My watch has exploded. So i also have a second-hand up my nose and a dial in my pocket |
| February 11 | @wobblyvirtue | Enjoying staring at the view from train window this am, avoiding appearance of pressing face against it and licking. |
| February 11 | @princesspip | hello.Today seems better than yesterday already. Unrelated my dream involved France, the nasty girl from The Ring and scary curtains. |
| February 11 | @warren_bennett | Man on this train talking loudly into his phone and ending every sentence with innit.He’s got a big bag.I want to ask him what’s in it innit |
| February 11 | @GlennyRodge | Tay-tay-tay-tay, ter-tay tay tay tay tay tay! Sorry, I was just getting fresh. Well, it is the weekend. #yesiknowthatsadifferentsongeffoff |
| February 11 | @wobblyvirtue | Oops! In Morrison’s with @_iamjules http://yfrog.com/h76zamikj |
| February 11 | @paul_clarke | You want some real #localgov bollocks to have a go at, @ericpickles? Try this: http://rb.tl/eKGRs1 |
| February 11 | @Dextronix | Early breaking news leak!!! Sadly, one of the members of pop group Steps has passed away… http://tinyurl.com/4r8prl8 |
| February 11 | @TheSleepyNinja | Sky+ screwed up my recording of True Blood, it is jumping and skipping like a flea after a family bag of skittles. Trippy |
| February 12 | @shiraselko | I just took in this Mint Milano® cookie so deep that its balls are on my chin. |
| February 12 | @brainpicker | 15 magnificent libraries around the world – a photoessay http://j.mp/gs2RCa (via @marcacohen) |
| February 12 | @GlennyRodge | @R_McCormack Okay, it might be while though. I’ve a bone in me leg. |
| February 12 | @thesuzannemoore | You know why ! Hit the road Jack! http://t.co/o03rMOX |
| February 12 | @quantumbagel | “Ugly people can’t just draw pretty on with eyeliner. That’s why they cry.” Stuff I teach my daughter. |
| February 12 | @neillockwood | So my wife and I have decided not to buy each other presents for valentines. Not falling for that, scheming bitch is trying to trap me. |
| February 12 | @brainpicker | If you missed it Thurday ☞ 5 essential books for word geeks and language lovers http://j.mp/e7kTdp |
| February 12 | @brainpicker | So you know: How to fold a newspaper sheet hat http://j.mp/gtjVtv Because if print is dying, might as well have fun with it. |
| February 12 | @fowget | I appear to have been possessed by the avatar of @iamchads http://yfrog.com/hsgqmzdj |
| February 12 | @GlennyRodge | May have misheard but was just asked “Excuse me cunt. You know where Judge Street is?” I sent them the wrong way so I guess they were right. |
| February 13 | @H4HBEAR | I went to get my viagra from the chemist but they accidentally gave me tippex instead, I now have a massive correction! |
| February 13 | @suzefff | Not sure I feel comfortable anymore when the dog hasn’t seen me for 5 mins or so – he gets way too ‘excited’ #stiffy |
| February 13 | @lucyinglis | Mr I: Look at these *disgusting* people in Liverpool shirts hanging about at the back. This is what you get in the North. #roadshow |
| February 13 | @mattwhatsit | @DavieLegend So it was a painful, sexless defeat? |
| February 13 | @BECKintl | Just a Mondrian style shadowing in my tea room. http://t.co/ukWfyHs |
| February 13 | @caitlinmoran | I love Helena Bonham Carter. She has the air of a woman who smokes nub-ends off the patio at 3am. I mean that in a good way. |
| February 13 | @BabyFowget | I’ve found a place that when I kick it, it makes Mummy fart |
| February 13 | @blindfumble | @TheConnArtist that made me feel all warm n fuzzy *checks tenalady* yup… Tepid and fuzzy 😉 |
| February 13 | @DJMissfrenchie | No vocals but a sweet remix #NowPlaying — Linkin Park – In The End (Drum And Bass Remix) http://t.co/xqO58fM |
| February 13 | @TheConnArtist | @blindfumble On reflection, my best career move would be to compete in Japan as a Sumo wrestler. I’d be called “The Shithouse”. *eats lard* |
| February 13 | @rhodri | Roses are expensive / violets aren’t particularly attractive in my opinion / sugar is alright in limited quantities / what do you want |
| February 13 | @TeenyBella | My ex fiancé planted snowdrops in a love heart shape in our back garden on valentines day one year. It was lovely. |
| February 13 | @TeenyBella | He also shagged a joey eyed waitress but I like to concentrate on the good memories. |
| February 14 | @shiraselko | Roses are red Violets are violet I just got drunk And puked in the toilet. |
| February 14 | @GlennyRodge | Celebrities on Question Time and Question of Sport. *sighs* Soon it’ll be “And now the 10 O’Clock News with Brian Cant & Pam Ayres”. |
| February 14 | @RickHarwood | @DavieLegend @teenybella Of course it’s not wrong, you black eyed bell-end. I just thought I’d throw some doubt in to help your insecurity. |
| February 15 | @2bras7cats | I’ve been given the most bloody awful task. It’s so boring that anyone who asks me what I’m doing will die of boredom as I explain it. |
| February 15 | @2bras7cats | One day I’ll meet someone who will be able to continue talking to me after I’ve ruined their attempt at smalltalk. |
| February 15 | @2bras7cats | I’m ashamed of myself for writing that. Back to my bullshit bank statement correction bullshit bullshit bullshit. |
| February 15 | @GlennyRodge | Quickly flicking through my timeline, I think I spotted my future wife. Can’t see her now. Oh well, she’d probably turn lesbian anyway. |
| February 15 | @OctoberJones | I’m not saying staff at my local Sainsbury’s are inept, but I’ve used self checkout twice and I’ve already been named Employee of the Month. |
| February 15 | @TheConnArtist | Every person I’ve met that hated “Thunderbirds” doesn’t trust the police. They’re Virgilantis. |
| February 15 | @decath10n | There’s nothing like seeing your ex with a new man. Oh. Wait. Yes there is. A large syringe of emotional anthrax administered by a clown. |
| February 16 | @OctoberJones | Cheryl Cole admits to having ‘girl crush’ on Rihanna in classic “I-didn’t-win-a-Brit-so-I’ll-imply-I-might-be-lesbian’ ploy. |
| February 16 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads I went for 3 n’s and 2 y’s “Tonnnyy” I sounded like a wiseguy. |
| February 16 | @OctoberJones | Text from Dog “Emptied the dishwasher. Smashed everything except one glass…. Nope smashed that too. Cutlery is A-OK. Buried it all” |
| February 16 | @brainpicker | Could it be? This American Life discovers Coca-Cola’s secret original recipe http://j.mp/fh9VzC (via @GMSV) |
| February 16 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Utter – ly? And you have the cheek to squeak my pips over grammar Chads. *tuts**goes back to crocheting alphabet* |
| February 16 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads *makes waxen Chads doll**heats pins* Oh no no, you carry on. |
| February 16 | @TrumptonFireman | Why did the French chef kill himself? He lost the huile d’olive. |
| February 16 | @princesspip | Have been id’d for the second time in a month..which frankly makes those two people blind, special or paid by someone who loves me. |
| February 16 | @TheRealDjSpoony | What subject have Arsenal got after double Barcelona? |
| February 16 | @mrschads | I want my 3 boys to be little & gorgeous, running round in nappies & needing car seats & ME. Now its girls, homework, detentions, arguments. |
| February 16 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads @mrschads @fowget Gin, if you can’t forgive then help yourself to forget. |
| February 16 | @SwearySausages | You know when the label states ‘dry clean only’. They really mean it don’t they. |
| February 17 | @fowget | I’m not the camp one in the red hair, that was Foz my best man http://yfrog.com/h4ebusj |
| February 17 | @BECKintl | Today’s daily cartoon is a very useful one. It is written by @MaudTheMaid and came to my attention via @TwopTwips. http://t.co/0R3sr3X |
| February 17 | @fowget | RT @TweetSmarter: r/t How to Display Your Latest Tweets in Your Email Signature http://bit.ly/hVFk04 << How to get myself sacked in 1 step |
| February 17 | @fowget | Fill your boots Gregg, you fat cunt #masterchef |
| February 17 | @fowget | @iamchads Of course it’s a mask, I look happy on my wedding day |
| February 17 | @GlennyRodge | Me: In light of the recent public sector job loss announcements & the latest unrest in the Middle East, should I have a cup of tea? Me: Yes |
| February 18 | @Wardotron | A man walks into a shop. Man: Can I have a copy of the Echo? Shopkeeper: Echo? Man: Echo. Shopkeeper: Echo? Man: Echo. Shopkeeper: No. |
| February 18 | @gazmanjones | @mattwhatsit Morning, sir. Perved on your audioboo last night. To me you sound a little like Arthur the Caterpillar from ‘Willo the Wisp’. |
| February 18 | @OctoberJones | “Luke, I am Your Father” “Nnnoooooooooooo!” “‘s Accountant. Geez let me finish why don’t you. Drama Queen” #MissingMovieLines |
| February 18 | @lucyinglis | Crikey. Where did the morning go? Ah yes. Well, anyway, it’s the Covent Garden sex trade this afternoon. The rough stuff. You know me. |
| February 18 | @nitsohara | I asked @Eamonn_Forde and his suggestion was a place near the station that would cut my hair for 8 quid and throw in an eyebrow trim. |
| February 18 | @GlennyRodge | I’d quite like to have a syndrome named after me. Nothing horrid; maybe a thing that makes you occasionally say ‘and I turned round & said’. |
| February 18 | @mrschads | @princesspip @fowget @_ndf Is ‘brilliant’ code for something? I am stone cold ‘unbrilliant’ but @iamchads on the gin so probably’ brilliant’ |
| February 19 | @CoffeeHooker | Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that sometimes you couldn’t stab them to death in their sleep. |
| February 19 | @TeenyBella | I’ve added Hoop Dreams to my lovefilm rental list for no other reason than it’s called HOOP DREAMS. |
| February 19 | @Ade1965 | Anyone wanting the new updated and working ubertwitter can get it here http://ubersocial.com #iPhone #Blackberry |
| February 20 | @andretorp | Wife: have u toddler proofed house? Me: yes W: so its safe for children now? Me: yes W: why u got plasters on? Me: don’t want talk about it |
| February 20 | @TeenyBella | Mama I: claire a bella what is that top you’re wearing? Me: I paid £80 for it from all saints. Mama I: I wouldn’t get buried in it. |
| February 20 | @shoutsatcows | That plumber who fixed my hot water yesterday? He’s coming back later today to actually fix it. The fucking shitheaded cunt. |
| February 20 | @fowget | A retweet is an acceptance that everyone you know is funnier than you |
| February 20 | @SimonBishop | One of the bar staff in the Kro looks like Olive from “On the Buses”. I’m probably the only person on here old enough to remember that. |
| February 20 | @jacques_aih | When Archimedes found the source of the extra liquid in the bath he shouted “Urethra!” |
| February 21 | @GlennyRodge | You know when you do a tweet containing one sentence about something silly followed by another just containing the word ‘that’? That. That. |
| February 21 | @almacdSE1 | You know what the best thing is about M&S ding dinners? The fact the plastic comes off in one go. |
| February 21 | @shinytuppence | dear people, I’m not as green as i am cabbage looking. |
| February 22 | @Bourne_Stupid | Black Ops training makes life awkward. gf asked me for a ‘bit of slap and tickle’. When she is conscious again we’ll see about the tickle |
| February 22 | @decath10n | New sport idea: same rules as Kabaddi except the chant is ‘Gadaffi’ and instead of holding hands and grappling, it’s handcuffs and gunshots. |
| February 22 | @OctoberJones | Pocket handkerchief? Shit glasses? Talking on phone in the Quiet Zone? Here we see the typical, pompous cuntios. http://twitpic.com/42n37r |
| February 22 | @TheConnArtist | @OctoberJones He looks a curious mix of Fabio Capello and Su Pollard. |
| February 22 | @OctoberJones | @iamchads For the ‘scientific swearer’ 🙂 |
| February 23 | @blindfumble | I’m losing followers faster than Biebers balls are dropping. |
| February 23 | @BECKintl | Have you seen that daily cartoon my mate @iamchads has written? http://t.co/m61BL7k |
| February 23 | @iamchads | @fowget No, but I did tell someone, “Aisle stick my boot up your apse in a minute”. Hehe, straight from the top of my dome. Freestyler. Word |
| February 23 | @_iamjules | @fowget It’s got a trunk you spazza! |
| February 23 | @TheJohnnyMc | @OctoberJones @krunchie_frog They also possess inhuman strength and like to pull ears off! #iWasTaughtByNuns #EvilBeyatchs |
| February 23 | @BECKintl | Imagine today’s daily cartoon spoken with a snarling, tyrannical voice. Losing Followers, written by @blindfumble. http://t.co/oAJyeZy |
| February 23 | @StarchildCoop | The following may sound almost conceited : conceit |
| February 23 | @TheDollSays | I miss the old 90’s Masterchef where you had three very sensible housewives from Surrey who’d no sooner cry on TV than flash their girdles. |
| February 23 | @decath10n | A vortex of vacuity. #themodelagency |
| February 24 | @BECKintl | Warning: today’s daily cartoon contains violence. It’s an illustrated tweet of @biscuitnose. Enjoy it or don’t. http://t.co/oWNqzL8 |
| February 24 | @TheDollSays | @Club_80_nights Only in the depths of Guildford, I fear. |
| February 24 | @jacques_aih | Cockney girl at work: “I love a big finish in the boat race”. Me: “I didn’t know you were a rowing fan?” Cockney Girl: “A what now?” |
| February 24 | @tortytweets | @iamchads Do you also do that when the Iams advert comes on? *gerrit!**sorry* |
| February 24 | @tortytweets | @fowget @iamchads He’s not just any Chads. He’s an IamChads. |
| February 24 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads Ah, of the Surrey Wankenchads? I know your aunt, Minky von Wankenchad. |
| February 24 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads Actually cringed at that name. So posh. “So Mr Jackhartamagherafelt, how do you pronounce that?”, “Jackson”. |
| February 24 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads Absolutely. And there’s that university *Gareth Hunt ‘magic the beans’ hand signal* |
| February 24 | @TheDollSays | My neighbour’s car alarm is so soothing. It’s like being lulled to sleep by twenty howler monkeys trying to gang bang a broken accordion. |
| February 24 | @nitsohara | I’m going to watch the final installment (natch) of Episodes. Two days after most of you lot. So, no acting the maggot with spoilers now. |
| February 25 | @EatMyHalo | This shit on BBC1 is shit. Hearts in bogs, ocd food preperation, stupid taps. I have no idea what’s going on. I hope they all die. |
| February 25 | @MadMedic1 | @iamchads I have lived for 35+ VAT years and have never heard of that! I thought a chad was a cartoon of a big nose guy hanging over a wall |
| February 25 | @CoffeeHooker | Dear IT, Do you know what fucks me off? You do, don’t you because I just told you in excruciating detail. Give me my cunting laptop, CH x |
| February 25 | @blindfumble | Nearly done… #ff he is to art what Thom Yorke is to laser eye surgery, the very talented @BECKintl |
| February 25 | @jacques_aih | Caller: “Our annex isn’t the one we ordered” Me: “Sorry – you’ve got the wrong extension”. |
| February 25 | @jacques_aih | I just saw some hospital assistants at a bus stop. They were forming an orderly queue. |
| February 25 | @BECKintl | Apparently The Official Website of America. http://bit.ly/g3TcWR via @neillockwood [Good find!] |
| February 25 | @jacques_aih | Ken Dodd said he wanted to leave a quilt on my floor. I said “Over my bed Doddy” |
| February 25 | @DJMissfrenchie | @iamchads Dechiré ce soir?! |
| February 25 | @neillockwood | Before all this text dumbing down ‘FFS’ was a puncture. |
| February 26 | @jacques_aih | When I was arrested, the police kept me on edge by serving me tea of varying standards. It was a good cup, bad cup routine. |
| February 26 | @thesuzannemoore | Last Night A DJ Saved My Life – Indeep Official Video http://t.co/gxTNnLO x |
| February 26 | @iain_fale | I am far angrier about govt response to getting Brits home from Libya than plight of Libyan people. Cos they is foreign innit |
| February 26 | @fowget | I am, therefore I paint |
| February 26 | @jacques_aih | I always get “imply” and “infer” mixed up. Anyway, I’m off to watch The Towering Implyno. |
| February 26 | @GlennyRodge | I don’t know why but I keep stealing my flatmate’s footwear. I should see someone about that. I think I might have his shoes. |
| February 26 | @BECKintl | My wife dislikes flea markets. The idea that one day all of her stuff will end up in such flea market boxes saddens her. We bought nothing. |
| February 26 | @Lemonosity | A wintry beach shown on TV: flat sunlight, pale colours, wet sand. My heart leaps and dips for my seaside childhood like it would for a man. |
| February 26 | @neillockwood | I tilt my head at a slight angle when talking to people these days just so they think ‘What the f*ck is his problem?’ |
| February 26 | @neillockwood | My older brother once told me part of adulthood was a sudden awareness of everything. Still waiting, starting to suspect it was a prank. |
| February 27 | @paul_clarke | Giotto-tastic! – man draws perfect circle in less than a second. http://youtu.be/eAhfZUZiwSE via @rhodri @edyong209 |
| February 27 | @RogerQuimbly | CBS to axe Two And A Half Men. The Sheen family should be used to a little Charlie chopping. |
| February 27 | @GlennyRodge | This latest Ashley Cole incident has got me thinking. He’s a fucking idiot, isn’t he? |
| February 27 | @BabyFowget | @Knittedgnome So would you be if you saw the genes I’m inheriting; big nose, fat belly, terrible dancing ability and that’s just Mummy |
| February 27 | @TheConnArtist | Nick Clegg went away for a skiing holiday when David Cameron was in Africa. He clearly has a taste for slippery slopes. |
| February 27 | @mattwhatsit | 16yo: “Saw Black Swan last night.” “Oh okay, any good?” “Yeah it was actually. You’d like it dad, quite ‘lezzy’.” #parentingwin |
| February 28 | @BECKintl | Yes, it is. http://bit.ly/epFkI2 (pic) via @neillockwood |
| February 28 | @iSwarb | @fowget @iamchads Seems likely. But in fairness to me (my favourite kind of fairness), I thought you wanted us to behave like monkeys*? |
| February 28 | @BECKintl | I’m Like a Bird is today’s daily cartoon. @jamesgfarrell has written it. Enjoy. http://t.co/f69cg4U |
| February 28 | @MooseAllain | I managed to smuggle a lever arch file into the prison inside a cake, but I spoilt the joke by saying “lever arch” too near the beginning. |
| March 1 | @BECKintl | I’m in a cafe. The coffee tasts shite, though it has a French name at least . |
| March 1 | @fowget | @Knittedgnome I didn’t realise you was a big football fan |
| March 2 | @alisonkbirch | Going to have to put my quality management head on soon. I say ‘head’. It’s a pink balloon with an interested face drawn on. |
| March 2 | @fowget | We shouldn’t judge Ferguson too harshly when he comments on a referees performance, remember, he is a very old man and a cunt |
| March 2 | @Bourne_Stupid | The CIA asked if I could murder a Sheikh. I think I misunderstood as I now find myself in a McDonalds |
| March 2 | @GlennyRodge | Time to watch a load of old bollocks on the telly. Oh no, there’s only shit on tonight. Note to self: shit Wednesday, bollocks Thursday. |
| March 2 | @lucyinglis | @_iamjules You are gay. |
| March 3 | @RogerQuimbly | The Real Human Centipede: Rupert Murdoch, Jeremy Hunt, Us. |
| March 3 | @lucyinglis | The R4 stock mummer playing the boy with Downs Syndrome in this drama needs to feel the back of my hand. |
| March 3 | @GlennyRodge | Star Wars FACT: C3PO’s real name was Colin 3 Post Office. R2D2 was just a vacuum cleaner that he thought could talk to him. The big idiot. |
| March 3 | @lucyinglis | Eating savoury rice at my mother’s dining table, surrounded by books. It’s like inhaling 1996. |
| March 3 | @DannyDoes | #Chelsea #CFC If anyone is bored at work or just would like to rewatch the 2-1 win over Man Utd – http://bit.ly/en6JOo |
| March 3 | @lucyinglis | Sister is buying me a sports bra from the outlet near her work. When I told her the size she said cheerfully, and I quote, ‘Hubba hubba’. |
| March 3 | @lucyinglis | This is more a reflection of my sister’s internal narrative than it is of my chest. This is a woman who talks to her text messages. |
| March 3 | @mrschads | @iamchads @lucyinglis Yeah and I took the job – eventually. |
| March 3 | @BECKintl | Hold on tight. How not to clean a window: http://bit.ly/e9YXJv via @LettersOfNote |
| March 3 | @GlennyRodge | You know that annoying washing-machine 5 minute flashy light wait thing? That’ll be out when I’m president of England. That and Top Gear. |
| March 3 | @OctoberJones | Kid on the bus just yelled something at me. Didn’t catch it all but I know it ended with ‘CUNT!!’. Hope it was something complimentary. |
| March 3 | @kervinf | Oh, you’re a vegetarian? Then how come you’re fat? |
| March 4 | @michlan | Morning. In honour of the new twitter for iPhone, I’m wearing a black band round my head. *stumbles over, knocks self out on doorhandle* |
| March 4 | @GlennyRodge | Dear people who refer to their cars as ‘she’, Where’s the frock? What about the little car boobies? Hmm? Hmm? |
| March 4 | @MrMisterMan | Today is my second to last day in this job. My couldnotgiveafuckedness is reaching epic proportions. |
| March 4 | @GlennyRodge | The starey kid in the takeaway looks like he wants to ask me something. I hope it’s about my hat & not the trouser stain. |
| March 4 | @grazingbison | #ff @iamchads & @fowget. Twitter bread & butter. Essentials. And nutritious. |
| March 5 | @MooseAllain | My wife is having a nice lie in bed, reading. My 5yo has just described this as “staying up early”. |
| March 5 | @_iamjules | I think my cat has started smoking. There was a faint smell of Regal Superkings about her when I just picked her up there |
| March 6 | @FavoriteSayings | Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. |
| March 6 | @EastressStar | Me:You’re staring at me. Mama:I’m not. *silence* Mama:Look,I HAVE to ask:Were you thinking of doing ‘something’ with your hair? Me:I am now. |
| March 6 | @JGONeill | @iamchads “You come in here with heads full of mush, you go out with a McDonalds, including a Crunchie McFlurry…” |
| March 6 | @MrLondonStreet | Life isn’t what happens while you’re making other plans. Watching Jurassic Park by accident is what happens while you’re making other plans. |
| March 6 | @fowget | RT @Blackberry Do not buy our phones if you wish to enjoy Twitter, they are shit |
| March 6 | @_iamjules | Skankalina Doley is on channel 4. I imagine @iamchads is glued to the tellyscreen by his lips. It’s @mrschads I feel sorry for 😦 |
| March 6 | @_iamjules | @iamchads @mrschads It is. She’s rank! |
| March 6 | @mrschads | @fowget @_iamjules @iamchads I see it as my duty to eradicate her from his memory & make him see she is just female version of Jamie Oliver. |
| March 7 | @Prof_BrianCocks | Newton’s equation F=MA should be used to calculate the level of ‘smash’ required for a ladies ‘backdoors’ |
| March 7 | @GlennyRodge | I feel strongly that I’m somehow predetermined to sell home-made jams, chutneys & sponge cakes. I’m a great believer in fête. |
| March 7 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads ♥ |
| March 7 | @warren_bennett | @SimonNRicketts There’s an old Italian saying,”you fuck up once,you lose two teeth.” |
| March 8 | @BECKintl | Made a second version of today’s daily cartoon. What do you think? http://t.co/nJjkdnw @SisterWhitloe |
| March 9 | @brainpicker | How long different animals live, in a vintage infographic http://j.mp/hMXtF7 |
| March 9 | @TummyCustard | “Life is all about the choices we make in this lifetime of learning.” Fuck me. I’m happy to lose the follower and block that shit. |
| March 9 | @princesspip | Son is in the shower washing German sentences off his arm..i have uttered the phrase ‘cheats never prosper’. |
| March 9 | @CoffeeHooker | FB: I couldn’t give a flying fuck that I was tagged in a photo. Unless I’m doing handstands with a panda up my arse, I don’t want to know. |
| March 9 | @CoffeeHooker | Hierarchy-Pyjama-Cunt-girl left the meeting room flushed with messy hair. If she’s had a wank I might give her some respect. But she hasn’t. |
| March 9 | @MooseAllain | Got a meeting of Freudians Anonymous tonight, just having a quick look to see what’s on the pudenda. |
| March 9 | @PaulShakeySharp | I know I turned my laptop on for a reason, but I can’t for the fucking life of me remember what it was. Hello twitter. |
| March 9 | @MooseAllain | Seeing people misusing foreign words always sends a little schadenfrisson down my spine. |
| March 9 | @OctoberJones | Most men would have sex with a woman in novelty socks. If we’re being honest, if sex is on offer, most men would overlook a third arm. |
| March 10 | @ellamaura | RT @stephenfry Rather astonishing and unusual new website just opened – http://t.co/2HtuUFd – extraordinary. |
| March 10 | @Knittedgnome | I bring u the 1st in an occasional series of “Celebs without their make-up”
Minnie Mouse in Costa Coffee http://t.co/r78Qjm7 |
| March 10 | @GlennyRodge | Breaking up is never easy but at least you get to bring games in that day. |
| March 10 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads Riding the peak of the boost. You make me so proud. |
| March 10 | @BECKintl | Since I’m off Twitter til Sunday I provide you @EggShapes’ The Hunchback of Notre Dame as second daily #cartoon today. http://t.co/3ns9v7S |
| March 10 | @1orchardroad | Had to get out of the house, They’re doing my nut in. I’ve come to the gym due to lack of friends. I’ll stay until closing time if I have to |
| March 10 | @1orchardroad | Why confirm plans with my mother once when I can confirm them twenty times? FGS. |
| March 10 | @fowget | Calvin & Hobbes comics free http://market.android.com/details?id=com.eaa.calvinandhobbes |
| March 11 | @michlan | “@Alexandjef: I’m pretty sure Jamie Oliver’s next programme is going to be called ‘AM I JESUS?’” << #WorthaF |
| March 11 | @CoffeeHooker | I should go to work soon. Someone has to kick Hierarchy-Pyjama-Cunt girl in the minge. She will be doing something right now to deserve it. |
| March 11 | @GlennyRodge | I officially have the hump today. Well, not officially; I’ve not got a badge or anything. Stupid idiot badges. |
| March 11 | @RichHL | #FF @iamchads, an officer and a gentleman. |
| March 11 | @neillovell | So what if Jesus turned water into wine…I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus… |
| March 11 | @jacques_aih | Sean Bean seems to die at the end of a lot of his films. I guess most Bean flicks end with a little death. |
| March 11 | @TheSleepyNinja | Writing up the notes for my day’s work and just had a CRAFT moment. Can’t Remember A Fucking Thing. |
| March 12 | @wobblyvirtue | Noises from upstairs. The Kraken awakes. |
| March 12 | @princesspip | lovely day and i am off to the countryside for the weekend. I love that countryside allows the use of the word cunt (in my mind anyway). |
| March 12 | @mrschads | Spring is sprung, the grass is ris’, I wonder where them birdies is, some say the bird is on the wing but that… (cont) http://deck.ly/~6C1je |
| March 12 | @JimBobbers | I just got proper told off for doing nothing. Felt about 5 years old. *looks at shoes* |
| March 12 | @The1nbetweener | Never used ‘innit’ before. And never will again. And ting. |
| March 12 | @DannyDoes | #Arsenal #AFC http://twitpic.com/48vgbb |
| March 13 | @mattblak | @MooseAllain Sexually Arousing Person of an Oedipal Persuasion #RPSongs |
| March 13 | @andretorp | When i compress my broken toe betwixt my thumb and forefinger it doth cuntinge fuck |
| March 13 | @justsendTulips | Some people get so uptight about my use of the word fuck. If your one of them, fuck you, you fucking mother fucking fuck face. Fuckers |
| March 13 | @parkyerbike | Pick battles big enough to matter, but small enough to win #justsaying |
| March 13 | @LadyJanieGeek | When I was 7 I looked like the test card girl. Same vacant expression & no mates to play with. Odd clown obsession too |
| March 13 | @The1nbetweener | Desperately clinging on to Sunday like it’s the last branch before the fucking big waterfall. |
| March 14 | @MrMichaelWinner | @The1nbetweener don’t leave me sir you like a nice clean cut young man I should b yor hero |
| March 14 | @MrMichaelWinner | @The1nbetweener good nite mr ib |
| March 14 | @BECKintl | The Five Stages of Twitter: Completely Lost, Hashtag Games, Infatuation, Resentment, Acceptance. via @kenarmstrong1 – me: stage 4 – |
| March 14 | @BECKintl | @iamchads http://t.co/unhAaLs #mondrian HELLOOOO! |
| March 14 | @BECKintl | Okay here I am again, your little green man, announcing a new daily cartoon, written by the lovely @ProfessorSnack. http://t.co/ZoiU25J |
| March 14 | @Bonzai1888 | This is still my favorite of all time… |
| March 14 | @BECKintl | My son says these LEGO ALPHABET SPACESHIPS! are cool: http://bit.ly/hefTKq @tr4inspotter’s link via @andertoons |
| March 14 | @GrahamTCousins | http://bit.ly/eMnOhV Soft Cell – Bedsitter |
| March 14 | @blindfumble | The most beautiful mugshots I’ve ever seen. |
| March 14 | @lucyinglis | Do we really need advertisements for sanitary products? Really? ‘Have a happy period’ must be known in the trade as ‘clutching at straws’. |
| March 14 | @martindeeson | At start of this train I downloaded Simon Sebag-Montefiores ‘Jerusalem’ and ‘Angry Birds’. Suffice to say I am now at Level 6 of one of them |
| March 15 | @MrWordsWorth | Ides of March… http://bit.ly/fQvpcS |
| March 15 | @jennylandreth | If you want a 2nd hand wetsuit, and your criteria is ‘must not have been pissed in’, this is for you http://bit.ly/hn2LDc (thanks @TimGoffe) |
| March 15 | @The_Trellis | Any company that has a ‘mission statement’ on a plaque by their front door? The bosses are >utter< wankers. Be nice to the staff |
| March 16 | @TheSleepyNinja | My nick-name at work became, “Swiss-Tony” during our trip to Geneva. It. Has now been shortened to “Swiss”. I quite like it. |
| March 16 | @quantumbagel | @OverworkedLady *slow hand clap* As a come-back, that dates from just after Spangles but before Space Dust. |
| March 16 | @TheDollSays | On a mid-week afternoon, Brixton looks as though the Job Centre has had a fire alert and the entire high street is the assembly point. |
| March 16 | @2bras7cats | I know it’s been said a lot, but Sarah Jessica Parker really is a boiled horse. |
| March 17 | @Paxochka | Birds falling from the sky. Floods. Earthquakes. Tsunami. Facebook.
That’s five signs of the Apocalypse. We’re officially screwed. |
| March 17 | @Deja_Moo | Sorry I missed you, so I left the parcel in the….. http://twitpic.com/4aab2z |
| March 17 | @MooseAllain | The Reverend Spooner was not in fact a clergyman. He was actually just called Speverend Rooner, as he continuously failed to point out. |
| March 17 | @Revmoon | How do I add a signature to Blackberry emails? I want it to say “I own a Blackberry, who wants to touch me?” |
| March 18 | @EmmaK67 | But that to one side, let’s end the evening with the greatest picture ever taken. Ever. Just ever. http://yfrog.com/h7sf1xwj |
| March 18 | @sharonGOONer | Having great breasts doesn’t endear me to everybody. I have my knockers. |
| March 18 | @jacques_aih | I’m concerned about Steps reforming. These things can escalate. |
| March 18 | @BECKintl | Since Friday (Freitag) is also German police’s day off you can easily take @1755Dictionary’s advice: http://is.gd/SGl3kk |
| March 18 | @neillockwood | If you’ve got a really strong fetish it’s called a fet. |
| March 18 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Deviant. |
| March 18 | @GlennyRodge | Sad looking girl with a camel toe has just walked into the restaurant. Poor thing’s probably in need of some cuntfoot food. |
| March 18 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads I have slipped some haloperidol into your g&t, now just smoke this marlboro I have laced with lorazepam and it will all go away. |
| March 18 | @TheDollSays | Good evening. Is that a new top/hairstyle/nose/sexual preference/walk? It suits you. |
| March 18 | @brainpicker | If you missed it ☞ Words Without Words – lovely visual dictionary of words with abstract, complex or underused meanings http://j.mp/hvikbw |
| March 19 | @sharonGOONer | Pissy Ray is a Spurs fan who lives in a bungalow at the bottom of my garden. Barred from every pub in Harlow. Very entertaining. |
| March 19 | @GlennyRodge | England lost the hefty cuddling? In my expert opinion, I think they cuddled a bit too heftily in previous games. Grand ham next year, maybe. |
| March 19 | @lucyinglis | Stepfather: ‘I miss him. Lovely chap. I’d’ve bent over backwards to help him. But not forwards, which was possibly more to his taste.’ |
| March 19 | @GlennyRodge | Ooh, it’s the boat race next week. One year, one of the A-Team was in it. I forget which one though. |
| March 20 | @neillockwood | Funny? It made me well up. http://bit.ly/h8QeO8 |
| March 21 | @jennylandreth | Inside my jacket is a label reading ‘Be at one with the garment’. Someone made that up, and other people applauded. |
| March 21 | @jennylandreth | ‘Genius!’ they may have said. ‘You have captured our essence. Now we can sell the garment. Bon chance, garment, bon chance’. |
| March 21 | @TheEllenShow | Happy 5th birthday, @Twitter! You’re only 5 and you have over 4 million friends. When I was 5 my best friend was a hubcap. |
| March 21 | @sharonGOONer | This is my replacement in my old office. By @kellycocktail http://twitpic.com/4bxar0 |
| March 22 | @WadyWiwwow | @iamchads @fulhammatty oh i do like a kerfuffle or too but up here in ecosse we have stramashes a step up from kerfuffle but not a riot! |
| March 22 | @fulhammatty | @WadyWiwwow @iamchads oh I say! You do have some wuff and wugged chaps in Scotchland don’t you? Tarquin gave me a funny look once at Polo :p |
| March 22 | @PaulShakeySharp | Following the staff meeting on Saturday it sounds like I’m the Boss’ new blue eyed boy, so I’m going to milk him like a fucking Jersey cow. |
| March 22 | @CoffeeHooker | Work: You’re a bunch of fucking cocksuckers. How do you manage to give me rage when I’m not even in the office? Well done, you arse bandits. |
| March 22 | @The_Trellis | et pour ce soir je suis cooking sauce bolognese avec les chicken livers- il peut etre une complete et totale fecking disastre |
| March 22 | @The_Trellis | moi- je suis couverte avec le sang- mais le creuset avec les ingredients smells bloody delish |
| March 23 | @neillockwood | The dog’s next door, outside the pub. (pic) http://bit.ly/eiPfFn |
| March 23 | @Knittedgnome | @iamchads @fowget Argh yes I apolomagise (Homer says that, it’s allowed)pls accept my sincerest apple bogies on all counts *punches self* |
| March 23 | @wowser | I sign all handwritten letters: “Sent from my Bic Biro device”. |
| March 23 | @SarahODonovan77 | @iamchads I live in Brum and i can officially say that we only know the words, ‘bab’ ‘babba’ and ‘UB40’. |
| March 23 | @TheSleepyNinja | RT @BECKintl: Hello I’m sitting in a Vienna coffeehouse with a laptop on my knees, just as @OctoberJones once used to say #likeamotherfucker |
| March 23 | @GlennyRodge | Is it gonna be ‘got to iron all the shirt and not just the front bit’ weather tomorrow? |
| March 23 | @MadMedic1 | In other news: Hubbs sneezed & made the dog who was sleeping, jump & fart at the same time… |
| March 25 | @GlennyRodge | Right, it’s tomorrow. I’m off. See you today. |
| March 25 | @GlennyRodge | Sorry, I really shouldn’t make fun of other tweeters. Piss-taking, it’s what I do best. I need help, please RT (see, I’m doing it again) |
| March 25 | @mattwhatsit | I reckon if you called Brian Cox ‘Bri’ enough times his happy-clappy exterior would drop and he’d fuck you a new birthday. #wonders |
| March 25 | @JimBobbers | That Kate bird that William is marrying has lovely firm breasts http://twitpic.com/4d96zx |
| March 26 | @TheDollSays | I’m going to watch the boat race today. Haven’t decided whose yet. #cockney |
| March 25 | @fowget | @iamchads You cheeky cunt. I am Operations Manager supreme, which if I’m honest is just a glorified admin gopher |
I Am Chads 
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