National Poetry Day
There was a young lady on Twitter
Who played with a cat til it bit her
So she thought, “what the heck”
And twisted its neck
And now it’s a Siamese fritter.
(Chads hate cats)
I Am Chads
Slightly more than 140 characters
New GCSE grades for 2012!
To clear up any confusion in the GCSE grading system, the new grades for 2012 have been announced:
Stop, thief!
I have just committed an act of the pettiest larceny. In Tesco, of all places.
You have to understand what I’m like, though. Once a computer is switched on, I am an absolute genius. I can condense many pages of figures to the merest, distilled, drop of intense data. I can weave detailed presentations out of the barest of information, leaving people breathless with anticipation. I could kiss my own hands, such is their genius, when a computer is switched on…
However, the getting to the switched-on bit always eludes me. The “wires and boxes” bit makes me cry with frustration. Many is the time that I have had to pretend I didn’t know how a keyboard cable was rent in twain, or how the shoeprint ended up on the hard-drive.
And so it was when I tried to connect my laptop to the TV in the bedroom.
HDMI cable – check. HDMI port in the laptop – check. HDMI port in the TV – oh, bugger. It IS a flat screen TV, but when I tell you it is made by Goodmans, you’ll probably guess that I didn’t have to sell a child to buy it 7 years ago (and 7 years ago, you’d probably have bought one of my chidren, too. They were lovely then. They absolutely hum now…) So, approximately 11 trips to Currys and Tesco later, I end up with two cables that both work brilliantly, but not together. If I told you what the cables were, and the story about how I bought them, you’d probably gouge your own eyes out with boredom. Suffice to say, there were two of them. Bought separately, from different Tesco stores. And I am taking them back to a third. Nothing like walking you through the whole bloody story, eh?
Ahem.
I approach the customer service desk. I do my usual trick of saying what a complete bloody idiot I am, and trying to throw myself on her mercy. She looked away, adjusted the B&H in their fancy new display, turned back and told me that I could only bring them back if they were faulty. I’d already told her that they worked fine, because I’m an honest guy, and honesty is always the best policy (it rarely is, kids!) So she just stared at me. I stared back. She stared again. I continue to stare (silence is the oldest closing trick in the book). Aha! She broke! “Anyway, refunds are not given here, you’d have to take them back to Audio Visual.” Said with the kind of disdain that used only be possible when spoken with a lit fag hanging out of the corner of your mouth. Here was my chance. So, only if it’s faulty…..the criminally-minded among you will now be aware of the plan I was forming. Everyone else: yes, I was off to the AV department and going to blag it.
The girl at the returns desk was very helpful. I made an absolutely pitiful attempt at explaining what was wrong with the cables. My face went beetroot the more I tried crafting the story of how there must be faulty connectors and, well, christ knows what other garbled nonsense. I felt EXACTLY like I did when I was leaving Fentons The Newsagent, aged 11, with a quarter-pound of Pick N Mix in my underpants.
Thankfully, she knew even less than I did, but gave me the look that said, “I know this is a blag, you know this is a blag, what the hell are you putting yourself through this torture and distress for, for the sake of £12.98?” What she actually said was, “You only have the receipt for one, so I can only do an exchange for the other. And it MUST be non-food.” She could obviously see me snaking away to the wine aisle…
So I went to try and spend £9.00. Not much, is it? Except when you are already “flustered” and beginning to doubt your own sanity. After 10 minutes of running around, barging into people (I could feel her tapping her foot waiting for me), I found a DVD. Aha! I passed it to her. “It’s in the sale, you need another £4.00.” Oh fuck. A book! £3.97! “It’s 50% off! You need another £1.98. I bet you feel a right dodgy git now, don’t you?” Ok, she didn’t actually say the last bit, but it felt like she did. Pens! Everyone needs pens, right? I grabbed a set of mini-Sharpies. “They’re 20% off.” So I reached for another set of Sharpies. When will this end?
Well, it ended when I grabbed the pack of pens and 50 other packs cascaded off the shelves, and littered the floor around me. I wanted to cry at this point. Obviously, a big, manly, cry. They were fucking everywhere. Somehow, I had managed to rip the prong things, that the pens hang on, off the back of the display case. But I didn’t realise this until I had spent 5 minutes trying to put the bloody things back on. And watching them all fall off again…twice.
So I took the extra pack of pens to the desk, paid the difference and left hurriedly.
That, hopefully, is the end of the story. Except that if you are watching “You’ve Been Framed” one Saturday night, and you see Harry Hill laughing at the stupid fat bloke destroying a display stand in Tesco, and then trying to kick 50 packs of Sharpies under the shelves…it wasn’t me, ok?
A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 1
Exactly a year ago, I figured out what Favorites on Twitter were (I still eye Lists suspiciously, but I’m straying from the point). It dawned on me that you can only go so far back in someone’s timeline, and it would be rather nice to see some of this stuff in one place.
I’m not taking any credit (except for the three of my own – fuck knows how they got in), this is merely a tribute to some very clever, witty people, and some downright mentalists too.They are very funny mostly, and some are bookmarks to links I find interesting.
You might not get some of the remarks or replies, but who said this was about you, eh? Oh, and there’s lots of swearing.
These are all the ones I could back up, so I’m missing 80 or so, and if you don’t want yours shown here, please let me know and I’ll delete them. Enjoy all 1600 or so – there will be 8 or 9 posts in total (this isn’t quite as easy as I thought) :
| March 26 | @michaellegge | I’m going to sleep the shit out of tonight. Seriously. I’m going to fucking nap it’s cunt off. |
| March 29 | @TheDollSays | The amount of stimulants I have in a day could reanimate a corpse. Without them I look like a reanimated corpse. So, swings and roundabouts. |
| March 30 | @EatMyHalo | @iamchads Nobody ever said Hail Julius you crazy mofo. I imagine they wouldn’t have lasted long being so forward with the ‘man’. |
| March 30 | @Orbette | http://bit.ly/bvn3NC – Direct link to HIWAWIOUS Stormtrooper photos. These are fucking awesome. |
| March 30 | @cripesonfriday | Grace spent the afternoon finger painting. She did 9 paintings. They are all shit. She also can’t accept criticism. |
| March 31 | @TheDollSays | I’ve broken a nail. Compared to all the others that finger now looks like the retarded cousin that isn’t allowed sugar or forks. |
| April 3 | @EatMyHalo | Eddie Jordan just confused the phrase ‘high horse’ with ‘hobby horse’. What an utter cock he is. A cock horse if you will. #f1 |
| April 3 | @Revmoon | Is there any point in the North? I think of it like a loft, where you store crap. I recently boot sold and eBayed the lot and don’t miss it |
| April 5 | @BinaryDad | This is the pub from outside. It is a place to huddle. http://twitpic.com/1ddsbw |
| April 8 | @TheDollSays | Wanky double-tweet due to a shocking slip in language skills. Normal service will be resumed after I’ve fingered Lynne Truss as penance. |
| April 19 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads *bottom lip wobbles, eyes mist over* I won’t disappoint you, I truly am an immoral and disgusting fuckwench. No, YOU’RE crying… |
| April 20 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads Incidentally, I love ‘cuntery’ but it does sound like a special holiday home for vaginas. |
| April 23 | @TheDollSays | Picked up an old leaf that had blown in. It was a fat fucking moth. No one’s screamed like that in Brixton since the riots. |
| April 24 | @TheDollSays | “I can’t put any more of myself into that dish.” Yes, you’ve wanked yourself dry, chef! You have a lie down, I’ll wash up. #greatbritishmenu |
| April 24 | @Brain_Wash | Sometimes, I just need to hear those three magic words that make me know that everything is going to be alright. “Not. Wearing. Panties.” |
| April 24 | @TheDollSays | @grahamtcousins @iamchads Fuck vegetarians in the ear with a lamb kebab. Fucking protein deficient wankers. |
| April 24 | @GrahamTCousins | @joannarose @iamchads I have a great mistrust of vegetarians, they will all snap one day, and eat offal. Or maybe not. *can’t truss it* |
| April 25 | @FizzyDuck | THE most bizarre ‘Closed’ sign! (pic) ~ http://bit.ly/aDsDsb |
| April 25 | @EatMyHalo | I almost died just then. Falling from a rose strewn balcony? Stabbed by a jealous lover? No. Choking on my own spit. |
| April 26 | @TheDollSays | A girl has turned up for an interview. She’s 19 and looks like Georgia Jagger. Next to her I look like Mick bloody Jagger. Hope she’s shit. |
| April 26 | @TheDollSays | @grahamtcousins We’d never cheapen anything, daaaaaahling *covers up cock & balls she’s drawn on the FT* |
| April 26 | @TomAllingham | RT @iamchads Fuck this, I’m going back to the snooker. Just like Syed, it’s a difficult choice between the easy pink or the tight brown. #fb |
| April 26 | @TheDollSays | @Jackster69 Fruit? It would be less gay for you to suck a bloke off. Eat some fucking pig bits immediately #bacon #BACON |
| April 26 | @TheDollSays | @Jackster69 Ignore any feelings of health and wellbeing it may have given you, it’s a slippery slope to bumming. #bacon #BACON #extrabacon |
| April 27 | @TheSleepyNinja | Whoa pinch too much chili in my beans on toast that fucking woke me right the fuck up. Morning twitter, did I hear someone say flat white? |
| April 27 | @mattwhatsit | Asked the staff around the office who they’re voting for & every single one of them said “Put your trousers back on.” |
| April 27 | @iamchads | RT @FUERTESKNIGHT: men wearing Ugg boots is the loudest cry for help…or a kick to the meat box << I’m following her for “meat box” |
| April 27 | @theyreblind | Something something long story short, anybody got a pair of forceps I can borrow? |
| April 27 | @WH1SKS | French Students: “Merci” in English is “Thank you”. It’s not that difficult is it? |
| April 27 | @moogyboobles | What is it about the word fiscal? I don’t like it, sounds dirty in a b2b salesman who stays in hotel campanile kind of way. |
| April 27 | @HisTigerLily | Just use the pen to poke my eyeball while talking with your hands. It’d feel better than your voice in my ear. |
| April 27 | @TheDollSays | …and true to my word, I never licked it again. Oh! Hi Twtter, didn’t see you there. |
| April 28 | @Orbette | Have just decided to start using ‘mongoloid wank satchel’ as a term of endearment. |
| April 28 | @TheDollSays | Muesli Boy’s Mrs & baby visited. He introduced me as ‘Auntie Jo.’ The baby threw up on him but I had the decency to swallow mine. |
| April 28 | @TheDollSays | Brown should have done what we all do when we walk away from a total idiot: stuck his tongue in his lower lip and made the ‘Nnnn’ noise. |
| April 28 | @TheFagCasanova | “That does it you racist, leathery old cockwallet. I’m going to rip yer fanny off!” |
| April 28 | @mattwhatsit | I prefer not to go to the pub at the end of our road due to my pesky stab allergy. |
| April 30 | @BECKintl | Caption by @joannarose, drawing by me. The joy of living alone. #cartoon http://is.gd/bOEW0 Have a nice weekend. |
| May 1 | @SyzygySweetie | My hairdresser keeps saying ‘deadly’. He seems to think my new hair will be ‘deadly’. Going to London will be ‘deadly’ *eye twitch* |
| May 1 | @debsa | Nice belt love: http://twitpic.com/1k0lgq |
| May 2 | @frenchdoorfan | By 6 o’clock tonight I will either be deliriously happy or borderline suicidal. Let’s hope it’s the former.. |
| May 2 | @ellen_briggs | @Alex__Briggs Hey good job…now you can come home and finish the bathroom! x |
| May 6 | @OMGFacts | Dr. Suess coined the word “nerd”! It’s from the 1950 book, “If I Ran the Zoo”. Here’s what a nerd looked like –> http://bit.ly/9EVSSI. |
| May 6 | @iamamro | Saw this and thought of @PastTenets : http://twitpic.com/1lhrfn An antidote to the Sun front page. |
| May 7 | @mattwhatsit | If you’re in Brighton tonight and finished all your bumming, why not take in @amateuradam & @amateursuman’s show. #FF |
| May 7 | @Triciabel007 | @iamchads We’ll you noticed now so i deam u in the highly Intellectual male percentile group now! |
| May 8 | @Orbette | Stupid fat fuck getting all up in my grill at the fucking bus stop looking at me like I’m mental. She looks like she’s used to sandwiches. |
| May 9 | @Orbette | The fucking size of this place. |
| May 10 | @Average_Batman | Trying to get cat into it’s carrier and accidentally put my finger up it’s arse. Neither of us said anything but the atmosphere is cold now |
| May 11 | @TheDollSays | Such is my job ennui that everyone around me sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher and all I can think about is cake. |
| May 12 | @TheDollSays | David Cameron will also outline plans to immediately disbelieve all food allergies and rename work-related stress ‘fannying about.’ |
| May 12 | @TheDollSays | They’ve made a birthday card for my colleague with her as Wonder Woman. It’s so utterly banal, one of my eyes fell out just looking at it. |
| May 12 | @RyanJJohn | For a gender that can have multiple orgasms and can masturbate under a table without anyone knowing, you women sure are uptight. |
| May 13 | @TheDollSays | I might start carrying miniatures in my bag. I could neck a tiny Bell’s whenever I felt the urge to stab. I’d be muntered by 10am, though. |
| May 13 | @TheDollSays | When I finally carve my way out of here with a letter knife and into forensic history, the last straw will probably be that iPhone ringtone. |
| May 13 | @TheMarydoll | Do these count towards my 5 a day? http://twitpic.com/1nfva7 |
| May 13 | @GrahamTCousins | @iamchads I can be a tad flippant. *waltzes with shadows* |
| May 13 | @janeprinsep | @iamchads @grahamtcousins *SCREAMS* I just want a LOLLIPOP!!! #iamstillbasicallyamanipulativechild |
| May 13 | @GrahamTCousins | @iamchads @janeprinsep *brandishes a strawberry chupa chup in a menacing fashion* *licks it first and then passes it over* Meh!!! |
| May 14 | @5tevenw | How much vodka goes into mashed potatoes again? |
| May 14 | @5tevenw | AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes. |
| May 14 | @5tevenw | What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot |
| May 14 | @5tevenw | What do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little. |
| May 14 | @TheDollSays | There was a girl on the tube sadly tearing up a white rose. It would have been a beautifully poignant moment if she hadn’t been fuck ugly. |
| May 17 | @Revmoon | …”Why couldn’t you empty the dishwasher/wipe the work surface down/keep your cock out of the au pair?” @iamchads @Jackster69 |
| May 18 | @TheDollSays | There was a woman on the tube with both a gunt and cankles. Basically I think she was melting. |
| May 18 | @TeenyBella | @TheMasterBrewer @iamchads @davielegend Its custard. Greggs is northern. Like pease pudding. |
| May 18 | @TeenyBella | @iamchads Are you posh? I imagine you are. |
| May 18 | @TheSleepyNinja | What the damp fuck is the new Anchor ad all about? Slave labour from cows to a hillbilly remix of Paradise City? I think I have sunstroke |
| May 20 | @Revmoon | I mean, no one actually asked me to talk about sex, but – fuck it – give me a mic and a crowd and I was always gonna talk about fucking. |
| May 20 | @Revmoon | I think if I was being fed feet first into a wood chipper, I could come up with better mascots for the 2012 Olympics. |
| May 20 | @RoOkin | I’m bored…. what cup is the rubber under?  http://twitpic.com/1ndmt6 #yesiknowididthislastweek |
| May 20 | @GrahamTCousins | @Lynn_H_I http://twitpic.com/1mr3vu – Mmmmmmm!!! Just needs a touch of Mustard!!! |
| May 20 | @TheDollSays | Off to get the tube. Given current heat in London am anticipating BO, ugly toenails and bingo wings…and that’s just me. Haha! *kills self* |
| May 20 | @brainpicker | Gotta love the Pantone Hotel in Brussels http://is.gd/chLKG |
| May 21 | @janeprinsep | @iamchads @grahamtcousins Ja, Ja, JA!!! #theybombedourchipshops #butiwouldstillofferthedifficultbrown x |
| May 21 | @BobaFrigginFett | @iamchads hahaha i like @jackster69′s avatar, we could be twins. pew pew |
| May 23 | @5tevenw | Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? |
| May 24 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads @joannarose @LSDinfo I feel like a kid with Panini Stickers. I want @LSDinfo to follow me, I will swap you my double jumpers! |
| May 26 | @Average_Batman | Just texted a pic of Mrs.B to Gok Wan and said ‘try & sort this one out’. He’s not text back yet |
| May 30 | @TheSleepyNinja | It all makes sense now http://tweetphoto.com/24739450 |
| May 31 | @janeprinsep | @FugginEll I missed you Chadders, or Mr Ell, whoever you are! *Clutches you to breast* *Mainly to muffle terrible French* |
| May 31 | @kirstinbutler | Make your own Mondrian! http://www.compositionwithjavascript.com/ Brilliant. (via @buzzfeed) |
| June 2 | @PaulShakeySharp | A scientist has invented a bra that hides erect nipples and stops tits bouncing up and down. His colleagues have kicked his fucking head in. |
| June 3 | @RichHL | @iamchads My ears were burning but that might have been the curried peas I pushed in there earlier. It’s been a strange night. |
| June 5 | @davesusetty | @iamchads Fill your bootß  http://bit.ly/bvG2eK |
| June 5 | @mattwhatsit | My wife is doing Race for Life tomorrow, or as I like to call it, The Gash Dash. |
| June 5 | @mattwhatsit | I’m no doctor, but I think Dora may have hydrocephalus. |
| June 5 | @BinaryDad | Sad and wise. No, I Don’t Remember Guildford – http://post.ly/iZ2i |
| June 7 | @TheDollSays | My company is organising a summer sports day. I bet I come first in the egg and fucking kill me now race. |
| June 7 | @twiteryeanot | HOW UTTERLY FUCKING BIZZARE — http://bit.ly/9e5IbO ” I’ve nearly fallen off my chair…. |
| June 8 | @mattwhatsit | Gave my 10yo a PSP yesterday. He pointed out that it was just a PS1, CRT telly & a car battery in a shopping trolley. Ungrateful little git! |
| June 8 | @sickipedia | What is the difference between a football and a three year old?You don’t feel the urge to kick footballs in Tesco. |
| June 8 | @TheDollSays | Bloody Match advert. If someone tied their laces to mine in a shoe shop I’d take the other shoe off and beat them unconscious with it. |
| June 9 | @TheDollSays | Scary Boss hasn’t looked at me today. If I grabbed her head and twisted it towards me she’d let her neck snap before she made eye contact. |
| June 9 | @TheDollSays | I just described the scarf I’m wearing today as a ‘wardrobe staple’. If you need me I’ll be outside attempting to kick myself up the gash. |
| June 9 | @martindeeson | @iamchads I need to know how to do this. Now. Before I explode. |
| June 10 | @janeprinsep | @iamchads Thanks mate! *Pours wine onto Special K* xx |
| June 12 | @mattwhatsit | Mrs Whatsit is going on a hen do tonight and just declared “I’m wearing a dress tonight, for easy access”. *blank face* |
| June 14 | @TheDollSays | Weight Watchers desserts are so fucking dull I may as well just write the word ‘chocolate’ down and lick the paper. |
| June 16 | @Audi4Eva | Update: MotorWeek Road Test: 2010 Audi A3 2.0 TDI http://audi.im-fusion.com/audi-cars/motorweek-road-test-2010-audi-a3-2-0-tdi/ |
| June 20 | @PaulShakeySharp | I’m so proud of my daughter, she learns new things every day. Today for example she learnt that ‘maybe later’ actually means ‘probably not.’ |
| June 26 | @janeprinsep | @iamchads I am on FB. I visit it with the same enthusiasm as if I were visiting a cackling Auntie with facial hair and groping tendencies. x |
| June 28 | @shitmydadsays | “Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit.” |
| June 29 | @brightideas888 | @iamchads congratulations! You won… Nothing…sorry. But you shall forever be my 1000th. Acclaim like that doesn’t come about every day |
A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 2
Summer 2010
This top one is in bold as it was my birthday, and I like to think (entirely wrongly) that it was meant as a birthday present. It is one of the funniest tweets I have ever read. Genius.
| July 4 | @TheDollSays | Waiting for @TheSleepyNinja. In lieu of Chanel No5 & a chaise longue, I’ve spritzed myself with Febreeze & sprawled across the coffee table. |
| July 5 | @mattwhatsit | Any tips for getting a 4yo boy to stop sucking his thumb? We’ve tried “You look gay” and “You disgust me” by the way. |
| July 5 | @brightideas888 | A peacock just jumped on the roof- shit me right up! |
| July 5 | @ianvisits | RT @PizzaExpress Help us celebrate our 45th birthday with pizza for 45p http://bit.ly/2xg2B9 |
| July 5 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads @torisayce I definitely think two PAs in spike heels holding folders and looking cold are essential for any magnate. |
| July 5 | @tortytweets | @TheDollSays @iamchads Me too. But the first hint of actual work, and I’ll walk. Sexual harrassment is fine though. |
| July 5 | @TheDollSays | Job interview tomorrow. I plan on being so confident and impressive, the interviewers will be picturing ME naked. |
| July 6 | @td_ward | Listening to @cmb and @Ahm76 ‘s podcast here http://bit.ly/ajaVVz He’s posh-sounding, she’s american-sounding. It’s good. And funny. |
| July 6 | @TheDollSays | Interview went well. They were impressed with my experience but it was my human beatbox rendition of System Addict that really wowed them. |
| July 6 | @mookiegoose | “@5tevenw: What do you call a fat alien? An extra cholesterol.” AMAWS = allowed myself a wry smile. Can’t bring myself to use LOL. |
| July 7 | @TheDollSays | I’d better hurry up and get ready. These recruitment consultants aren’t going to wearily tolerate themselves. |
| July 7 | @tortytweets | @iamchads No one should ever have to see it. Any of it. Fuck-if I wanted to see wrinkly old cock and grey pubes,I’d bloody get paid for it. |
| July 8 | @TheDollSays | Which comes first, child obesity leading to a lack of exercise or vice versa? It’s a chicken McNugget and Kinder egg situation. |
| July 8 | @TheDollSays | I can’t think of any sort of meeting that wouldn’t benefit from a balloon modelling break. “Next we’ll discuss budgets but first…GIRAFFE!” |
| July 8 | @TheDollSays | How exactly does Always expect me to have a happy period? Unless their product doubles up as a range of mood-swing themed glove puppets. |
| July 9 | @mattwhatsit | Nelson Mandela being introduced to players on Sunday, FIFA rep: “..and Arjen Robben”, NM: “No, ah was released years ahgo! Boom-ah-Boom!” |
| July 9 | @germgirl | Car ready it was clearly serviced by a midget. I’m not tall but if I sat in the front seat now I’d be wearing my knees as earrings. |
| July 10 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads at the mere thought he would be running up your street, swinging fine danish like a pair of nunchuks. |
| July 10 | @TheDollSays | RT @scalene_adv: @TheDollSays And there’s plenty more where that came from… http://twitpic.com/240sgq < Ace! That’ll fool the landlord. |
| July 10 | @TheDollSays | @Mansonovic Things are sucking fetid donkey cock right now love. I wouldn’t recognise good luck if it goosed me and gave me a tenner. |
| July 10 | @TheDollSays | According to old US TV, any scene can be sexy with sax music. Man gutting a cod? Dull. Man gutting a cod with sax music? Stroke those gills. |
| July 10 | @tartan_miss | @ardvarc hold your breath and push down your diaphragm. Hiccups are only an irritation of the diaphragm : ) |
| July 10 | @Absinthe_Fairie | http://twitpic.com/2468ng |
| July 10 | @quantick | I often confuse adjectives with minerals, if I’m perfectly onyx. |
| July 10 | @twiteryeanot | I think I need to rest my eyes, but my brain is telling me, NEED MORE INPUT JOHNNY FIVE… |
| July 12 | @francis_zob | Je laisse mon appart à ma cousine de 16 ans pendant une semaine, et voilà http://i.imgur.com/Xl0iz.jpg |
| July 12 | @grmster | @MarioBB9 Little Jimmy was admitted to hospital today with 6 toy horses lodged up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as stable. |
| July 12 | @Absinthe_Fairie | Next time I have 2 use my kids’ bubblegum toothpaste, could one of you guys remind me that gargling w/ lighter fluid would be more pleasant? |
| July 13 | @DavidSpade | i hate when some of these motorcycle guys swerve past me in traffic, cut me off, and pass me on a hill. then the cry when they get killed |
| July 13 | @iamchads | RT @iamchads: @iamchads …obviously they haven’t got to the emergency situation training part yet..<<Fuck it.Tweeted myself, may as well RT |
| July 13 | @ITGuyMark | RT @PCAdvisor: How to create and manage System Restore points http://bit.ly/a9A8GE |
| July 14 | @peterjamesuk | Peter Tobin typifies Keith Waterhouse’s words: “Brighton has the air of a town that is perpetually helping the police with their enquiries.” |
| July 14 | @Bellerants | Boss: “It’s not how Craig David said, is it? Met her on Thursday, took her for a drink on Monday, dumped her for a family meal on Wed.” HAHA |
| July 14 | @brainpicker | How to prevent memory loss, a guide from @Wired http://bit.ly/9TUI94 |
| July 14 | @Bellerants | @JeremyMonkey You’ll have to wait your turn. I’ve got every perv on chatroulette plus every guy I’ve dated b4 I get to you *shoots**reloads* |
| July 14 | @Triciabel007 | @Triciabel007 RT Cock-mongering, fud flaps of bukkaking slut lords of Babylon! =How to make your 1000th tweet memorable!  -loving ur work! |
| July 14 | @Audi4Eva | Update: World Premiere Audi R8 Spyder and Audi e-tron Concept Car http://bit.ly/aB6tEO |
| July 14 | @TheDollSays | I’m going to bed having most definitely not eaten any ice cream. I deserve plaudits and, quite frankly, some ice cream. |
| July 15 | @MinutesofMayhem | Obama invited Bill Clinton to the Oval Office yesterday. Not to talk policy. He just wanted the back story on some carpet stains. |
| July 15 | @jacques_aih | My increased wage bill means I can’t afford protective headgear for the guy who works in my greenhouse. I think a celery cap is in order. |
| July 15 | @EatMyHalo | I’d LOVE to go on CDWM. My lamb with ‘mystery’ crust would wow the bastards. Followed by tart au uh-oh. I’m dead good at thingyo. Cookery. |
| July 15 | @LDN | Geeky road sign vandalism http://twitpic.com/25hrn2 (via @owenblacker) |
| July 15 | @jacques_aih | @SimonNRicketts Had a similar experience with elderly aunt in Cambridge who described how Uncle Jim used to love punting her up the Cam. |
| July 15 | @EatMyHalo | Now that I’ve successfully wasted our time, I’m going to have an apple. I mean half an apple. Well, a slice of apple. A line of coke.  |
| July 15 | @AngryBritain | Money does not buy taste? Discuss http://twitpic.com/25ipva |
| July 15 | @warren_bennett | Golf. Hours and hours of televised cloud. Genius. |
| July 15 | @janeprinsep | I am here. This is where I swim #mysky http://bit.ly/90nEaq |
| July 16 | @ewenman | Absolutely loving www.1000awesomethings.com |
| July 17 | @bigwelsh | The weather is glorious, why not go play outside? … http://twitpic.com/2655ck |
| July 17 | @sheepdean | Photo: fuckhappiness: http://tumblr.com/xo2dmlxzx |
| July 18 | @MrSamJohnstone | @iamchads To be honest, I think it transcends sit com. It is farce of the highest order, with the wit and characterisation of Molière. |
| July 18 | @TheDollSays | I’ve just put a new app on my phone. I say ‘app’, I’ve stuck a glittery My Little Pony sticker on the back. |
| July 19 | @StarchildCoop | I’ve managed to get so much hairspray on my mirror, I can’t tell if it’s me I’m looking at? Well, apart from the fact it’s me in front of it |
| July 19 | @Galinoz | ‘Peeps’ nicely Twitterfies into ‘Tweeps’. I’ve realised you can’t do the same thing with the word ‘chat’. |
| July 19 | @quantick | I think Fleet Street and the MoD should swap places. The Army might not like it but the press would have a field day. |
| July 19 | @OnlineAStevens | For those that like their cornflakes with a bottle of red – how to open a wine bottle with a shoe http://bit.ly/dxC7EX |
| July 20 | @Revmoon | I quite like Kylie’s latest. Does this mean I have to take one up the dookie shoot? |
| July 20 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads I think they bulk up the mid-week prize with lint, buttons and jelly tots. |
| July 20 | @TheDollSays | I’m drinking a Chilean wine so cheeky I had to stop it ringing my neighbour’s doorbells and running away. |
| July 21 | @TheDollSays | Home to Hampshire today. Going to reassure mum I don’t need to move in now. I say ‘reassure’, more ‘wrestle the valium out of her hands.’ |
| July 21 | @caitlinmoran | If you love Bill Murray, you’re not going to love him any less at the end of this INCREDIBLY RARE interview: http://bit.ly/cIIsUL |
| July 21 | @domjoly | http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html this is officially the funniest site I’ve been on in ages |
| July 21 | @RitaVonSleaze | R Kelly is really from Merseyside. His brothers R Wayne and R Liam were OK, but things were not good at school for his youngest brother Sol. |
| July 21 | @TheDollSays | Just said the words ‘structural integrity’ when describing a block of cheese. The wanker alarm sounded and my mum hit me with a mallet. |
| July 21 | @TeenyBella | Ready? #clackster69 http://yfrog.com/mkqv5j |
| July 22 | @tortytweets | Morning! I just yawned so deeply I think I’ve dislocated my jaw. Good job I have clickety snake jaws. |
| July 22 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads There was a moment of silent manly understanding so intense, my mum and I had to look away. Emotional. |
| July 22 | @iSwarb | @iamchads A touch. I will ring NATO the minute you start going on about “Year HB Zero” (that almost works…) |
| July 22 | @SyzygySweetie | Too much rose and geranium oils in the bath. I now look like I should be lying next to some goose fat potatoes at Gas Mark 6. |
| July 22 | @TheDollSays | Put a wine glass down and it smashed. Clothes seams are intact so clearly was a freak accident and not my long awaited Hulk transformation. |
| July 22 | @TheDollSays | So apparently Lambeth police won’t do anything about the menacing presence outside my door because it’s ‘only a spider’. Fascists. |
| July 23 | @TeenyBella | @Bellerants You look like a complete HOTTIE in you avatar. Men huh? Let’s make out. |
| July 23 | @OctoberJones | Dad sent a pic of himself in new glasses. Me:”(Haha) You should’ve gone to SpecSavers” Him:”I should’ve worn a johnny” Very clever father. |
| July 23 | @Fanny_McTwanny | I know a bra can pop them under my chin but I’ve come to the conclusion that a boob is a shy creature that prefers to hide under armpits. |
| July 23 | @OctoberJones | I’m designing characters for piece of software for 3 yr olds. Love it when clients give feedback like:”Make penguin a bit less holding guns” |
| July 28 | @collinslateshow | Have just walked down Ashford High Street. It looks like Jeremy Kyle’s green room. |
| July 29 | @TheDollSays | So tired, can’t be bothered to get ready. May just mash my face directly into my make up bag and hope for the best. |
| July 29 | @TheDollSays | Someone’s posted the personal details of a 100,000,000 Facebook users online. Only after 100,000,000 Facebook users did it themselves. |
| July 29 | @TheDollSays | Red wine headache demands bacon sandwich. I am having Starbucks yoghurt and granola. I deserve a punch in my twatty capitalist face. |
| July 29 | @TheBig_Sam | Went sleepwalking at 4am last night. The wife came out to find me pouring gin, cranberry juice and ice shavings down my japs eye. |
| July 29 | @paulinecjones | @fulhammatty @iamchads You should try living in Yorkshire. Shower of work-shy cunts. #dolescum |
| July 29 | @DavidNobbs | A smarmy hotel pianist once asked ‘What would you like me to play next?’ Comedian Ted Ray replied ‘dominoes’. (Told me by Barry Cryer) |
| August 2 | @TheDollSays | The BBC asked Jordan to do ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ but talks failed when they refused to rename her episode ‘Don’t You Know Who I Am?’ |
| August 3 | @TheSleepyNinja | The rattling in my car is now so severe that I am wondering whether I have a stowaway tambourine player in the boot. |
| August 3 | @TheSleepyNinja | @TummyCustard dave’s insanity sauce made my lodger deaf for an hour. |
| August 3 | @shell150675 | And the award for best support act goes to *drum roll* my bra for allowing me to run for the bus & keeping my boobies from blacking my eyes |
| August 3 | @TruthSandwich | @TheSleepyNinja could only eat a speck at a time with other stuff. Had to fire it into the sun to get rid of it in the end |
| August 3 | @TruthSandwich | RT @IndieLou Rubbish day so I went to the loo to for a little cry. As I was sat there, feeling sorry for myself, a roof tile fell on my head |
| August 3 | @Absinthe_Fairie | Some days ur the bees.Some days ur the honey.Today I’m the allergic bear who got its nose stuck in the hive & forgot its epi-pen. |
| August 3 | @undercoverman | @DarkBeige I like calling people a paedo, irrespective of context. I like nonce-sequiturs. |
| August 4 | @mental_nigella | Food news. The people who make Tyrells crisps now make a vodka called Chase from the potato waste. Just been crowned best vodka the in world |
| August 4 | @TheDollSays | If I rest my arm on the edge of my desk for a minute it leaves deep indentations. In my more paranoid moments I worry I’m actually Morph. |
| August 4 | @littlemissWENCH | Very apt right now. http://twitpic.com/2blb8a |
| August 5 | @fulhammatty | *note to shelf* must tidy books |
| August 5 | @TruthSandwich | I don’t mean to boast but my Tyrannosaurus Rex impression is really coming on a treat. Raaawr and so forth |
| August 5 | @Average_Batman | Just made some mint origami shapes out of the order forms in Argos. Tom went wild when I turned his hat into a boat. It was mega |
| August 5 | @BinaryDad | There is a Campbell testifying at a war crimes trial and is Naomi, not Alastair? *Sigh* |
| August 5 | @MyMuses | Hey @Average_Batman next time you feel the pull to pucker paper, why not whip out one of these! http://twitpic.com/2brsa6 |
| August 5 | @mrchrisaddison | I wouldn’t want a blood diamond. I had a kidney stone once and that was bad enough. |
| August 5 | @TheDollSays | Yesterday I was complimented on my ‘meeting room set up’ skills. Today I hope they notice how neat my writing is on this suicide note. |
| August 5 | @TheDollSays | Accidentally typed ‘Heathwow’ on a travel itinerary. I can’t believe Heathrow’s marketing department has never used that. |
| August 5 | @StarchildCoop | My heart always breaks a little, when someone gives themself a nickname. |
| August 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | Waiter asked me if I wanted a Super Salad the other day. I said, Wow what’s that! He replied, “well one is a soup and the other is a salad” |
| August 5 | @mattwhatsit | Kerry Katona invited to Wilmslow Leisure Centre to answer questions about receiving blood diamantes. |
| August 5 | @TheDollSays | It’s casual Friday at work tomorrow. I may or may not turn up. |
| August 6 | @TheDollSays | My colleague’s skirt is so short I can almost see what she’s thinking. |
| August 6 | @tartan_miss | Put my hand between my boobs (outside shirt) and pointed upwards to my face. Guy went bright red and choked a little. Haha fucker!! |
| August 6 | @Average_Batman | Just had a bottle of Malibu. Asked Mrs.B if she wanted to bump n grind after our rice & peas. She said she might after Countdown |
| August 6 | @2bras7cats | the massive French boss (with bad breath) gave a big speech about how we’re the best team ever, and here’s to the next year and bollocks. |
| August 6 | @TheDollSays | It’s lucky I don’t have OCD or the odd number of soaps I counted in the toilets during hand wash number 88 would have really upset me. |
| August 6 | @SyzygySweetie | @Clairesa @TheDollSays Even if he’s veggie I bet he prefers toad-in-the-hole to a nut roast. *sniggers* |
| August 7 | @littlestormys | Where are we going again? http://twitpic.com/2cdo6k |
| August 7 | @TheDollSays | I just walked past a young chav couple having a screaming argument. It was so upsetting I almost choked on my superiority complex. |
| August 7 | @kenarmstrong1 | You are the place that I will go, when I’m grey and old. (Robbie tries to write his own vows). |
| August 7 | @FlyoverJoel | Wife rolled over and elbowed me in the head. In return, I jumped off the dresser and body slammed her. So yeah, we are awake now. |
| August 7 | @TheDollSays | My gran used to say that thunder was the heat of lightning causing vibrations through air expansion. She was shit at whimsy. |
| August 7 | @tortytweets | I’m home. I can tell this by the thumping reggae bass and revving engines. It’s the audio equivalent of Hansel & Gretel’s pebble trail. |
| August 7 | @shitmydadsays | “See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I’m thinking; How can I give less of shit? That’s why I look interested.” |
| August 8 | @TheSleepyNinja | When officially does a large courgette become a small marrow? http://tweetphoto.com/37621880 |
| August 8 | @TeenyBella | @iamchads @thesleepyninja I adopted a rabbit and g-pig from the RSPCA and they died after I washed the hutch out with flash the next day |
| August 8 | @tortytweets | @novanine @TheSleepyNinja @TheDollSays Seconded! Although a boyfriend, please, for me. I do not wish to take the sapphic path. |
| August 8 | @tartan_miss | I was rubbing shower gel on my boobs in the shower.They both twitch in a pronounced fashion, one after the other.Think they’re possessed |
| August 8 | @SimonBishop | “Sorry, not in service” must be a popular suburb of Manchester. Most of the buses I’ve seen this morning are going there. |
| August 8 | @TheSleepyNinja | This one is for @iamchads , my imported Cuban is the size of South America. http://tweetphoto.com/37735971 |
| August 8 | @PissedJamesBond | Told M I was up to my eyes in the mission. By eyes I meant balls. By mission I meant quim. |
| August 9 | @TwitsHitTheFan | I got caught stripping in a barn earlier. My partner was starting to lose interest and my shrink told me to do something sexy to a tractor. |
| August 10 | @DavieLegend | I’ve just seen a man wash & dry his hands, then used the paper towel 2 open the door when leaving. Pity for him I’ve pissed on his keyboard. |
| August 10 | @menialmoose | Ok fine I DON’T know – When you’re done smirking Mr & Mrs “I’m so worldly”, exactly what IS a ‘turd bugler’? |
| August 10 | @TheDollSays | Colleague’s homemade dress looks like a lampshade glued together by a blind chimp in a thunderstorm. I said it was nice as I’m on probation. |
| August 10 | @DavieLegend | Best. Tweet. Ever. RT @planetjedward It’s so weird this morning edward broke a bowel at breakfast and then the cocopops went everywhere! |
| August 10 | @Fanny_McTwanny | And this is why I got no work done today.. http://tweetphoto.com/38093429 |
| August 10 | @TheDollSays | While at the doctors the housing benefit office called me. I haven’t interacted that much with my local authority since I punched a dustman. |
| August 11 | @TheSleepyNinja | Hallucinating with tiredness now. For those who liked Haltlose yesterday. Today’s word is hypnagogia. Night twitter, Sublime dreams. |
| August 11 | @TheDollSays | Had my music on so loudly I was nearly run over by a Fed Ex van. On the plus side I would definitely have got to casualty by 10am tomorrow. |
| August 11 | @TruthSandwich | Sore throat, exhaustion and gunked up eyes. Just how I’d feel if I’d been giving blowjobs down the docks all night. I imagine |
| August 11 | @mixmasterfestus | Got an email offering tickets to the Alan Titchmarsh Show. Can’t go as I’m pulling my toe nails out that day. |
| August 11 | @tortytweets | @TheDollSays It’s impossible to sweat in this office,the a/c is on “cinema” setting. And breaking a sweat would imply I’m doing actual work. |
| August 11 | @mixmasterfestus | Has anyone ever written a sexy text adventure book? To attempt to undo the bra, turn to page 45. To give up and go home, turn to page 135. |
| August 11 | @TheSleepyNinja | Why is Yacht such a grammatical/phonetic rebel? I could never get away with spelling robot robacht. |
| August 11 | @TheDollSays | Today I apologised for getting in the way of my own reflection. I think I’m ready for my massive bodily tick and a good row with a pigeon. |
| August 11 | @TheDollSays | Every day in the run up to a period brings a new hormonal symptom. It’s like an advent calendar with ‘fuck you’ printed behind every door. |
| August 12 | @TheConnArtist | TV idea: “FasterChef”. Contestants prepare Pot Noodles & cheese toasties. “Cooking doesn’t get quicker than this!” Show duration: 7 minutes. |
| August 12 | @davesusetty | When I say ‘Do you mind if I charge my phone in that plug?’ it sounds like ‘Oi, cunt, move your fucking ass’, judging by the guy’s face. |
| August 12 | @TheDollSays | I’m going to the theatre tonight but I’m not a theatregoer. There’s a subtle but vital difference involving not being a pompous fucktrumpet. |
| August 13 | @TheDollSays | Friday 13th, the day all hockey goalies must wear their ‘not a serial killer’ masks featuring a picture of Jesus holding a kitten. |
| August 13 | @TheDollSays | Colleague emailed saying ‘Here’s the report, let me know if you have any issues.’ I may respond with ‘Well I think my ears are too small.’ |
| August 13 | @TheDollSays | A woman here has just announced her engagement. She looks like a pubic wig in a polyester suit which just shows there’s hope for everyone. |
| August 13 | @AngryBritain | Dog drags girl 7, down the street by her head, leaving her with horrific injuries. ‘That’ll fucking teach you to make eyes at Alex’ she says |
| August 13 | @mattwhatsit | Another day in social media, another day of ‘Hi!’s and LOLZ. |
| August 13 | @fowget | One bonus #ff as a prize for overcoming technology and defeating his new Blackberry (just) this week http://yfrog.com/0gi47sj |
| August 13 | @TheDollSays | I just spent £14 on six birthday cards. Fucking sentiment-pedalling bloodsuckers. Next time I’m making my own out of glitter and hair. |
| August 13 | @TheSleepyNinja | In the bar with @TheDollSays someone asked for the wine list. Bartender knew it off by heart. “We have white.. And red” |
| August 14 | @DeedPole | Jade came to me in a dream, told me she wanted to go in Ultimate #bigbrother. I asked should I start a campaign? She said Lambrini would do. |
| August 14 | @_iamjules | @Clairesa Were his Irish eyes smiling? What about Ryanair? You can go Teesside to Cork in a flying skip for 23p |
| August 14 | @TeenyBella | As Mama I says, don’t let the grass grow over your feet or something. |
| August 14 | @mattwhatsit | Finished swimming. A lad who has probably masturbated 12 times in the last 24hrs is preparing our over-priced lunch. I’m having omelette. |
| August 14 | @mattwhatsit | The pool was full of single Dads. A couple of them tried to start a conversation. I assume they wanted to sex me. |
| August 14 | @martindeeson | @MylesGregory They have real absinthe here? Now we’re f’in talking. Really? Only had it once – from Andorra – I saw green mind porn for days |
| August 14 | @kenarmstrong1 | I just confused marinade with serenade. The chops may be delayed but they *will* be tender. |
| August 14 | @fowget | @JackiePatie @redhatman We can get up to whatever we want whilst you are locked up at your lesbian retreat |
| August 14 | @TheDollSays | @Syzygy79 Made it back safely from Bornio, Alfonso was a godsend on the clear up. Lost my pearl handled pistol in poker game though. You? |
| August 15 | @_iamjules | @Clairesa So close but yet so far. Were you waiting on the bridge? It’s like a Geordie version of Sleepless in Seattle |
| August 15 | @TeenyBella | Typical. The only guy I’ve liked for ages lives a thousand miles away. Or something. It’s foreign and everything. |
| August 15 | @JimBobbers | @iamchads 7 (next week), 9 and 12. Family ? Pah. More like a loose confederation of warring factions. |
| August 15 | @Quaristice | “I’m Fiona Phillips. These days, people ask me if I’ve tried Olay skin products because I have a face like a deflated soufflé.” |
| August 15 | @firmpear | “I’ve come here to drink milk and kick ass. I have finished my milk…” |
| August 15 | @GlennyRodge | If I was any more tired, I’d be (a) asleep, (b) dead, or (c) crabby, fighty over-tired & shitbaggy. Actually, I might have reached (c). |
| August 15 | @iamchads | @redhatman He’s definitely a pooftah then. He can sleep on your side of the tent… |
| August 16 | @TheDollSays | Only three of us in the office. Colleague said ‘It’s like someone’s died.’ No, it’s like there’s only three of us here, you morbid twatbomb. |
| August 16 | @TheDollSays | @Ferders I guarantee it. They probably all wank over Outlook calendar updates. |
| August 16 | @BECKintl | Wife and me are rearranging the furniture. I’m doing it in my head first—she’s moving the furniture with her head. She’s a typical Aries. |
| August 17 | @Srveedub | @iamchads Blackberry- tickle my back, make me coffee and then make a start on that ironing you said you’d do, I am naming mine Rhonda |
| August 17 | @Twistedlilkitty | ‘You’re dancing, what are you listening to?’ ‘Creep by Radiohead’ ‘The least dancable song ever’ ‘It’s not like I’m doing the Charleston’ |
| August 17 | @DeedPole | Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I’ve left the ears you lent me in the garage, I think they’re all there but if any are missing, give me a bell. |
| August 17 | @tortytweets | Old Mother Hubbard is clacking his knitting needles at quite a pace today! I might have to slip a micky in his cupasoup. |
| August 17 | @TeenyBella | Tonight I shall be working until 10pm. Some people call that dedication. I call it ‘shouldn’t have done fuck all last week’ |
| August 17 | @EatMyHalo | “Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near?” “My face is made entirely of Trill.” “Oh.” |
| August 18 | @_iamjules | @JimBobbers Hang on….it’s still a bit early for me…..Do you make pizza or roll around in an empty dalek base being evil? Which? |
| August 18 | @fowget | @iamchads That’s part of the brainwashing, once we find her code word to “trigger” her, we can get her to assassinate who we want |
| August 18 | @fowget | @JackiePatie @iamchads Just talking about girls and football and the film about gay porn I was watching |
| August 18 | @fowget | @iamchads Unless I’m shagging, then I’m Wheezy |
| August 18 | @fowget | Vineger Tits is singing again next door, today she is trying to communicate with dogs via the medium of cat rape in G minor |
| August 18 | @fowget | @JackiePatie @iamchads It’s about friendship more than bumming. So there. Anyway, when is Hot Buddist Lesbians Vol 4 available to buy then? |
| August 18 | @TheMarydoll | I dreamt I had a hoose full of big cats, dinosaurs & 1940′s gangsters. I have no idea wtf thats supposed to mean & I didny eat any cheese. |
| August 18 | @DeedPole | @janeprinsep Its just that, not to lessen the seriousness (well ok to lessen it a bit) he might have been a ‘randy therapist’. Congrats x |
| August 18 | @DeedPole | Can you tweet me the saxophone solo from Tina Turner’s ‘Simply The Best’. (In words not a link). Stuck at ‘der ner banana Neenah nene dado |
| August 18 | @tortytweets | @TheDollSays I ate a packet of love hearts last night. I showed no gratitude, ramming them in one after the other. I needed the affection. |
| August 18 | @quotestanhope | If yr goin 2 be offended by a little cigarette smoke I’ve got a tit-fuck joke that’s goin 2 blow yr heart right through yr rubber underpants |
| August 18 | @TheSleepyNinja | Yesterday all the office programmes disappeared off the work desktop. Today the entire computer has vanished. Freaky. Maybe its a ghost. |
| August 18 | @tortytweets | @TheDollSays I love the one about “the sky is falling” *wrong chick lit* |
| August 18 | @tortytweets | @TheDollSays I don’t like it when KFC say it’s finger licken good.As if the sky fell &the Colonel scooped up the remains and deep fried it. |
| August 18 | @avi1111 | Just polished off a gigantic plate of pasta. Feeling guilty about my carbonara footprint. |
| August 19 | @lucyinglis | Please excuse me while I attempt to care less about A-level results…Oh look, I’m back having found it impossible to care ONE IOTA less. |
| August 19 | @TheDollSays | A gorgeous little project from my Twitter sister @SyzygySweetie. Smile! http://tumblr.com/xrmg5jq2r |
| August 19 | @stebax | Lovely exchange last night summed up our relationship. I was outside bringing in the washing. Mimed “I love you” and made a heart shape… |
| August 19 | @stebax | …she mimed throwing up and then shooting herself. |
| August 20 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads The IT dept stole it to repair a registry fault. Feel lost without it. I keep clicking the disconnected mouse.. |
| August 20 | @Papa_Shango | My wife told me that my immaturity needs to change otherwise it could erect a barrier between us.
hahahahaa erect. |
| August 20 | @Papa_Shango | I dont know why Heather Mills is so concerned about land mines. She’s only half as much at risk from them as everybody else. |
| August 20 | @Papa_Shango | I keep trying to put in ‘penis’ as my password on facebook but it keeps coming back as saying its ‘too short’ |
| August 20 | @Papa_Shango | I decided to get my morning fix of hash and coke. Thought I may as well make it a meal, so I bought a sausage egg mcmuffin too. |
| August 20 | @TheDollSays | Actually life is quite like the movies. Overpriced, full of annoying twats and towards the end you can barely hold in the pee. |
| August 21 | @lucyinglis | @JulieChisholm @TeenyBella Fickle is the modus operandi of the hobby lemon. That way you only get the fit ones. |
| August 21 | @germgirl | Have briefly escaped work. Will now perform 1004 point turn to exit parking space. |
| August 21 | @TheSleepyNinja | Mustang Sally is the playlist for the wedding. If the DJ knew the couple he would know that Sally has a Corsa and Paul is on his 4th Vectra. |
| August 21 | @TheSleepyNinja | Just stepped down an ordinary looking step that turned out to be about 3 foot down. Quite enough excitement for one night. |
| August 22 | @wowser | Moth’s locked himself out, tapping on the window: “Where’re your keys?” “Keys? I’m just a moth” “Not good enough!” (I’m not letting him in.) |
| August 22 | @TheSleepyNinja | Apologies now for any boo hoo hoo mwah mwah mwah hangover tweets tomorrow. Je suis tres pissed on brandy |
| August 22 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads blagged a lift back. I was walking and tweeting and fell down a 3 foot drop into the driving test centre car park. |
| August 22 | @TeenyBella | Quote of the day when waking up In bed with three people – I knew I shouldn’t have given my mobile number to the lesbian midget Mr T. |
| August 22 | @EatMyHalo | Got robbed in Thailand. I was going to report it, but the scenery was just so beautiful I thought “ah, Phuket.” |
| August 22 | @germgirl | There’s a lovely bit of blue cheese in my fridge. Thing is, I’m fairly sure it wasn’t blue when it went in there. #terriblehousekeeper |
| August 22 | @Wireman | Memo to all media: I don’t care who’s in the Stig suit. This is not investigative journalism. It’s funsucking cuntery. http://bit.ly/c7gNBa |
| August 22 | @mount_st_nobody | A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks, “Why the long face?”. The horse, already depressed, walks home alone, reflecting on past regrets |
| August 22 | @JoshSansom | A flying car? Now I’ve seen everything. Have you seen a man eat his own head? No. Well then you haven’t seen everything and neither have we. |
| August 22 | @DavieLegend | http://twitpic.com/2h9uqu |
| August 23 | @TheDollSays | Girls wearing men’s brogues, I know you think you look like Pixie Lott but actually it looks more like you’ve misplaced your calipers. |
| August 23 | @TheDollSays | Being at work on my birthday is rubbish so I treated myself to an hour locked in the toilet howling for my lost youth and a cupcake. |
| August 23 | @lucyinglis | Just phonebothered Mr I from the supermarket when he was in very important deal-doing moment. #whoops |
| August 23 | @lucyinglis | @JimBobbers Well, Mr I took it well, but the tone of this voice made the back of my legs sting. And not in a good way. |
| August 23 | @mattwhatsit | A friend has a posh wood-burning stove. Everytime I’m in his kitchen I sing “FLASH! AAAaaaa-ga!”. We all shake hands and agree I’m funny. |
| August 24 | @fowget | Last night I dreamt that a species of monkey runs so fast that the friction causes their bollocks to catch fire. Morning everybody |
| August 24 | @Flying_Rodent | If Tiger is offering £480m divorce settlements for 5 years work, I’ll marry the guy. He can pump whoever he likes, so long as he ponies up. |
| August 24 | @MrMisterMan | I hate it when a posh person swaps the ‘w’ and ‘h’ around when they say ‘why’. |
| August 24 | @_iamjules | @tortytweets NEVER believe them Torty for the lies slip smoothly from their evil tongues whilst their faces display not a flicker of guilt! |
| August 24 | @lucyinglis | Girl on this bus has a figure to die for. And a face that could crack walnuts at ten paces. Proper Rosa Klebb scary. |
| August 24 | @lucyinglis | @katrinagulliver Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch. Not good. |
| August 24 | @lucyinglis | Get thee behind me Emma Bridgewater! I shall not have thy tasteless measled goods in myne home. Nor thy lettered-for-the-ignoramus crockery. |
| August 24 | @TheConnArtist | If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard “if I had a pound for every time I heard that, I’d be a millionaire”, I’d be a millionaire. |
| August 24 | @TheSleepyNinja | @DavieLegend The superking |
| August 24 | @_iamjules | @Fowget @redhatman Does ‘muscling in on his turf’ have more than one meaning? |
| August 24 | @TheDollSays | Goodnight Twitter. May the cat of happy dreams find its way safely out of the fetid wheelie bin of your subconscious. |
| August 25 | @pezholio | O+P+T+I+M+U+S = 15+16+20+9+13+21+19 = 113 is a Prime number; Optimus = Prime. Your mind = Blown Again. /ht @EXECUTIVESTEVE |
| August 25 | @GlennyRodge | I’ve had to make my own tea today yet some folk are outraged about someone putting a cat in a bin. Let’s have a bit of perspective, people. |
| August 25 | @TheDollSays | The engineers may well be fixing the lift but the frequency with which they’re using the word ‘shaft’ strikes me as gratuitous. |
| August 25 | @kittydoodle | I’m off to the chippy for dinner. And by that I mean I’m going to Loch Fyne, because this is Surrey. |
| August 25 | @fowget | @JulieChisholm @iamchads The Ford Dildo? |
| August 25 | @fowget | @JulieChisholm @iamchads @jimbobbers To offset the Prius, does your husband drive a Hummer powered by children’s tears? |
| August 26 | @shitmypopesays | “Be careful what you wish for, boy. A private army of fruity men sounds amazing, but just think of all the shots they need!” |
| August 27 | @missellabell | @yoghurteater he absolutely is. They both are, really. One is gorgeously fat and sings and the other invites clockmakers to stay.. |
| August 27 | @td_ward | Stallone: I think women love clever banter, not just saying, “Let’s go to my house and get naked.” He hasn’t met women from Stoke then. |
| August 27 | @TheConnArtist | @iamchads Our computer system is hilarious. Looks like something from “War Games”. We were promised a new program in 2007. Still nothing. |
| August 27 | @shitmypopesays | “All of my flock are treated the same. I don’t care if you’re white, Caucasian, straight, married, male – everyone is equals!” |
| August 27 | @TheDollSays | Just asked for the bill in a restaurant. I decided to shirk the usual ‘writing’ mime and instead put on a short display of shadow puppetry. |
| August 27 | @wobblyvirtue | Never mind. Back home soon to see what ‘Nigella’ has cooked up. |
| August 27 | @firmpear | Once bitten, slice thigh #zombieproverbs |
| August 27 | @sharonGOONer | Horse and cart carrying vital evidence to court collapses and all is destroyed. It is a miscarriage of justice. |
| August 27 | @TheDollSays | Been snack shopping for the party tomorrow. Just grabbed the usual; runner beans, Piccalilly (for dipping) and a family pack of cream horns. |
| August 27 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads Your tweet about your wife earlier. I’m not gay or owt but I *may* have slightly welled up. Anyway, fuck off etc. |
| August 27 | @BarkPamphlet | Via @goybo Comic artist Emmanuel Guibert draws with WATER!!! No, really: http://bit.ly/9o99x0 Beautiful, I trust you’ll agree… |
| August 28 | @_iamjules | Today I will mostly be tidying* & entertaining
*stuffing items under beds & rugs & hoping that our guests don’t notice the lumpy floors |
| August 28 | @crazycolours | “What’s the first thing you notice about me? Piercing eyes? My impressive salsa moves? It certainly won’t be occasional bladder weakness.” |
| August 28 | @shitmypopesays | “No, I don’t have all the answers. But I have a toilet made of gold, so fucks to them!” |
| August 28 | @TheDollSays | Going out tonight. I’m going to set my phaser to ‘Party’! Just as soon as I work out how to get it off the ‘Gigantic Twatnugget’ setting. |
| August 28 | @brumbino | Not even the man who was given the wrong type of ladder wants to be on |
| August 28 | @TeenyBella | @tortytweets @iamchads oh, he has pox too. He’s contagious within four miles. He’s like a cartoon Chernobyl |
| August 29 | @JimBobbers | @iamchads my friend, you are in the midst of a CHAVALANCHE. They are drawn to Argos to gawp at the ‘laminated book of dreams’. |
| August 30 | @MrsIrrelevant | My Sky is broke. So having a friend post this of fb made it better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4NeFo7zkfk |
| August 30 | @IamSilverFox | OH DEAR. Portuguese-Spanish bid publicity video is absolutely DIRE. I know they spend half their day in bed, but come on. |
| September 1 | @TheDollSays | If my cold is annoying my workmates, they’ll hate me when I show them what I learnt in my Competitive Screaming & Indoor Falconry class. |
| September 1 | @tortytweets | I’m sorry. I hate using the word teat but it was necessary. I promise not to say gusset though *oops* |
| September 1 | @NuneatonLeon | Just back from a meeting in Liverpool by the docks, what a shithole.
#nooffencescousers |
| September 1 | @PublicBenjamin | Tony Blair says in his memoirs he had a premonition John Smith would die. Same one he had about David Kelly I imagine. |
| September 1 | @TheDollSays | Finished packing for my holiday. Three versions of Top Trumps, seventeen cola lollies and a comb. I fail to see what more a girl needs. |
| September 2 | @TheSleepyNinja | Morning Twitter, Epic journey from Basingstoke to Eastbourne today. I am picking up new alloy wheels. I will call today “Lord of the Rims” |
| September 2 | @TheDollSays | I gave up trying to decipher my boss’s ‘crippled chimp on a trampoline’ handwriting. I’m typing out the lyrics to The Fresh Prince instead. |
| September 2 | @tortytweets | There’s a girl sitting in’t window of Starbucks picking her feet.I’d pop in & hand her a banana but you’re not supposed to feed the animals |
| September 2 | @Rob_McCallum | Today, throw the term “Godhead” into a few sentences. No one will know quite what you mean but, not wanting to appear daft, they won’t ask |
| September 2 | @_iamjules | @Bellerants Seriously chick, take wads of cash. You’ll need it. Or be prepared to hang over a Granny’s balcony begging for toast :-p |
| September 2 | @_iamjules | @iamchads If we ever do meet remind me to tell u about nude kid, a belly buster and a sex injury on the night of many bananas Happy days |
| September 2 | @MrWordsWorth | My mom always said, ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.’
I haven’t spoken to my mom since I was 16. |
| September 2 | @EatMyHalo | Ladies! Bet you can’t drink 4 pints and then laugh raucously without peeing a bit. I bet you a Tena. |
| September 3 | @martindeeson | Stephen Hawking’s done amazing job of uniting imams, rabbis and Xians.Maybe we should send ol robot wars on a tour of the world’s hotspots? |
| September 3 | @jezmo8 | Friday today, that means it’s either the start of the weekend or the start of a weak end. |
| September 3 | @BinaryDad | In 12 minutes my body leaves work. 6 1/2 hours after my mind jumped out the 1st floor toilet window and ran off. |
| September 3 | @TheSleepyNinja | Don’t understand football, after ‘friendlies’ is it the ‘silent treatments’ before the ‘if you don’t know I’m not telling you’ final? |
| September 4 | @DeedPole | I just found Shrek in my kitchen drunk off my honey-based home brew. I said ‘what do you think of it Shrek? Good? Bad? Or…
Meady-ogre!’ |
| September 4 | @StarchildCoop | Obesity no longer seems to be the big health worry. I’d say it’s incontinence. Everyone seems to ‘piss themself laughing’ nowadays. |
| September 4 | @StarchildCoop | I discovered crisps. Not in a Christopher Columbus type way. I just mean I’ve found some tonight. |
| September 5 | @BinaryDad | This made me laugh so much, I even had to wipe away a tear. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tpCRBgs-LE |
| September 5 | @MrsCupidStunt | RT @fabio_capello_: “Wayne Rooney romps with £1200 a night 21 year old vice girl”. Shrek 4 should be fucking interesting then. |
| September 5 | @TheDollSays | Just passed a sign for ‘The Big Sheep’. After a brief discussion we decided even a 6ft tall sheep would warrant a signpost. |
| September 5 | @TheDollSays | We are at the bottom of the steepest village in the world. It’s so bizarrely steep, Escher would look at it and go ‘Blimey that’s mad.’ |
| September 5 | @_iamjules | @wobblyvirtue NO!
#QuitYoJibbaJabba #Fool |
| September 5 | @warren_bennett | Earlier today,Charlie ordered a “croque monsieur sans jambon”. All the French people pointed and laughed at him. Actually,so did I. |
| September 6 | @nitsohara | Jayzis lads ’tis fierce close today altogether. I’m fairly shweatin’ buckets so I am. #IrishTweets |
| September 6 | @missellabell | #unexpectedrant #guesswho http://twitpic.com/2luy4t |
| September 6 | @whistlingduck | Nadia has a Danni Minogue look? I thought she had a Desperate Dan in a dress look #cdwm |
| September 7 | @robbnotes | The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. -Bertrand Russel |
| September 7 | @peter_watts | If you have never been in a house up a hill in the Languedoc during a major thunderstorm, I can thoroughly recommend the experience. |
| September 7 | @peter_watts | Thunder like a mountain collapsing, lightning like a star exploding, rain like anvils. Amazing. |
| September 7 | @Papa_Shango | Just got a letter from my bank stating a ‘Final Demand’
How nice of them to tell me they won’t be bothering me anymore |
| September 7 | @Papa_Shango | BBC News: Bipolar disorder ‘not to blame for violent behaviour’
Well, half of the time it isn’t. |
| September 7 | @tortytweets | Employers,if you persist in asking me to do things with numbers,I shall sign my emails “today’s Torty was brought to you by the no.3″ |
| September 7 | @eops | @iamchads Im sure there is a proper definition somewhere but I like to think of it as my Sir Patrick Moore look http://yfrog.com/ndz3zmj |
| September 7 | @MooseAllain | I was eating a little madeleine cake the other day and in a sudden rush it came to me that I’ve never read any Proust. |
| September 7 | @robinbogg | Met investigation latest: “Andy, did you know about phone tapping?”; “No”; “Excellent. Saves us having to cover things up again. You can go” |
| September 7 | @dhmorton | RT @FakeAPStylebook: The correct plural of ocelot is oceshitload. Ocefuckton is vulgar and should be avoided. |
| September 7 | @lucyinglis | You know those conversations where you love them but if they don’t get off the phone you’re going to start rocking and moaning? That. |
| September 7 | @fowget | @iamchads @the_bawbag I’ve even got a book for @JackiePatie to read us at bed time http://yfrog.com/0ded7bmj |
| September 7 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads http://plixi.com/p/43836033 Chads, you have the stunning looks of a Hispanic Freddie Mercury impersonator.. |
| September 8 | @MaDom | I used to know my way around the girls without skirts in Stockholm. Now I know my way around the outskirts of Stockholm. I’m getting old. |
| September 8 | @ArmyofDave | Typical. You spend ages looking for your glasses & they’re on the head of the corpse in your cellar all along. |
| September 8 | @fowget | @iamchads @the_bawbag @TheSleepyNinja Does Englebert Humperdink know he’s got a twin brother (just came to me on the bog, sorry it’s late) |
| September 8 | @DavieLegend | Patsy Kensit may have had great tits 20 years ago, but her laugh is doing my lugholes in this morning. |
| September 8 | @TeenyBella | I cycled to work this morning. My bike is like a kid’s bike, with teeny wheels and a pink shopping basket. |
| September 8 | @theshedender | Adebayor believes Man City are now bigger than Arsenal? Man City are not as big a club as Spurs, Villa or Everton yet, stupid cunt. |
| September 8 | @mrS0CK | Don’t know what the problem is? I support the burning of Quorn. Its fucking disgusting and SHOULD be burnt. Bloody vegetarians. |
| September 9 | @lucyinglis | Sitting opposite man reading a fantasy novel and scratching himself. Willing to lay a not insignificant wager that he doesn’t get it much. |
| September 10 | @fowget | My inbox is getting out of control. Has anyone got a whip and a chair handy? |
| September 10 | @homosoup | I offered to help someone come up with a budget, which has reminded me that I need to reevaluate my own. #Ilovenumbersbuthatemoney |
| September 10 | @EatMyHalo | I’m in England right now! Find out where you are by going outside and checking. Then post it here so we can all be fucking thrilled by it. |
| September 10 | @homosoup | Omg, lefties dominate my timeline! You’re all going to team up with the Gingers and take over the world, aren’t you? #Imontoyou |
| September 10 | @GlennyRodge | I often doodle when I’m on the phone. My latest offering, the botanist, David Bellendmy… http://yfrog.com/n9y35cj |
| September 10 | @BECKintl | RT @lagonk http://twitpic.com/2mcqjg #FF |
| September 10 | @homosoup | @iamchads OH! LoL! You’re so sweet. |
| September 10 | @hinge832 | Sorry to interrupt, but would you mind having a look at this picture http://twitpic.com/2n1wdz |
| September 11 | @mattwhatsit | @iamchads I hate you more. x |
| September 12 | @rosannecash | Wow. RT @Uncucumbered New York City. Our #sunset as this 9th anniversary of September 11th fades into history. http://twitpic.com/2njc6v |
| September 12 | @LFBarfe | Technology’s a wonderful thing, but I still do my best writing with a propelling pencil. |
| September 12 | @wobblyvirtue | As demolition of the ‘Get Carter’ car-park continues it takes on a ghostly appearance http://plixi.com/p/44695725 |
| September 12 | @hinge832 | Our Neighbourhood Watch chairman has announced in his newsletter that he is going away for 3 weeks |
| September 12 | @davesusetty | #ocdisms When I hear the word ‘Garnier’ on an advert, I always sing ‘Mmm, Danone’ after it. |
| September 12 | @ACenterForAnts | @Gembaleena How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read… if they can’t even fit inside the building? |
| September 12 | @vivmondo | ‘We are all in the gutter but some of us have found some tattered pornography by the drain.’ – Oscar Wilde (early draft). |
| September 12 | @nitsohara | I’m off to Lidl (‘Lidl: When You’re Even Too Pikey For Iceland’). I’m appropriately dressed in track suit, with hair in a ‘Croydon facelift’ |
| September 12 | @sharonGOONer | Hugh-Fernly-Cholmondy-Warner or whatever his fucking name is. |
| September 13 | @jacques_aih | I might open a shop called “Pi”. I don’t know what it would sell but it would be open 22/7. |
| September 13 | @TonyCowards | When I was a cop I hated people shooting my partner, that really got my back up. |
| September 13 | @JimBobbers | @WadyWiwwow I wish BBC weather the presenter would point to a big grey cloud, sigh and say “SHITE” then look heavenwards & flick the Vs. |
| September 13 | @TheSleepyNinja | The white stain I have been trying to scrub from the carpet for the past year is a reflection from the lamp. |
| September 14 | @fowget | A quick Audioboo I knocked out on the drive to work, if I’m honest, it’s not great. Dreams http://t.co/B43TKr1 via @Audioboo |
| September 14 | @ncguk | Rooney, n. Opposite of Clooney. |
| September 14 | @avi1111 | I’m quite the idiot savant. (what does ‘savant’ mean again?) |
| September 14 | @princesspip | I know phone, you have little battery left and as eloquently as you have made the point do shut the fuck up now. |
| September 15 | @MinutesofMayhem | Want to see Chelsea’s “Handlers”? You know you do, you lying bitch. http://yfrog.com/ne2equj http://yfrog.com/16cz4uj (Definite NSFW. ) |
| September 15 | @JimBobbers | ..we could go back to the 70s and use our technical knowledge of things to come to be dark overlords. And drink pints of large” |
| September 15 | @EatMyHalo | I do these rude things to give any pope supporters who happen to follow me a chance to FUCK OFF. *waves and throws cups of wee* |
| September 15 | @WH1SKS | My mate also saw sign today in London. This is where the sign theme ends. http://twitpic.com/2onfd1 |
| September 15 | @Wardotron | Once I accidentally reversed the car into a chap, in a car park outside the mortuary. I’d backed myself into a coroner. |
| September 15 | @fowget | @JulieChisholm I can’t wait. Have you had your fire extinguishers serviced recently? |
| September 15 | @TeenyBella | @Fowget @iamchads @juliechisholm I used to work in a prawn factory. They make them die by stewing them in their own puke. Honest. |
| September 15 | @princesspip | Lost in Transubstantiation #papalmovies |
| September 16 | @ncguk | Of course, I’m easily amused by the Pope. Your level of amusement may vary based on how fond you are of Jesus. |
| September 16 | @TheDollSays | Eating rehydrated noodles from a mug and doing photocopying. I’m one accidental tramp killing away from being someone I’d really dislike. |
| September 16 | @GrahamTCousins | #modernclassics The Tena Ladykillers |
| September 16 | @fulhammatty | The Pope speaks pretty good English, but struggled with ‘Edinburgh’. Then again, I can’t pronounce ‘kristallnacht’ or ‘ubergruppenfuhrer’ |
| September 16 | @princesspip | @iamchads ooooooo…you Chobhamer..not an actual word but wine fire, sorted. Friday tomorrow..happy days. x |
| September 16 | @bluejag | George Michael is writing a new song with his cell mate – “Wank me off before your cocoa”. |
| September 17 | @chaosgerbil | @iamchads Have you had 15 yrs experience or 1 yrs experience 15 times. I think that I have mis-quoted Morehi Ueshiba. |
| September 17 | @The1nbetweener | You can take a horse to water. But why the long face? I’m shit at punchlines |
| September 17 | @_iamjules | @SyzygySweetie @iamchads Don’t want to burst the bubble but I just realised that I still have crusty egg & mustard in my ear from last night |
| September 18 | @wobblyvirtue | @JulieChisholm @fowget I’m Still reeling from screaming when u handled raw prawns. Same 4 chicken. These are ‘ingredients’ not ‘dead things’ |
| September 18 | @_iamjules | @iamchads A thin trickle of blood just ran from my left nostril. I think your last tweet caused a brain hemorrhage. Don’t say anymore.Please |
| September 18 | @NuneatonLeon | The Pope was interviewed by FHM Magazine as to which grooming products he used. He replied, “Haribo and Smarties are the best ones” |
| September 18 | @fowget | @iamchads @the_bawbag That was so funny I’ve just had a little “accident” |
| September 18 | @twiteryeanot | Will we ever find the time to just take the time? Sleep, work, clean, feed, defecate and breath. The time is short for life in general. |
| September 19 | @lucyinglis | If @50cent keeps up with mocking Justin Bieber fans I’ll be forced, out of sheer gratitude, to invite him round to break my headboard. |
| September 19 | @RyanCHutchings | AA Gill’s a cunt isn’t he? And after he wrote all of those nice stories about that yellow bear and Christopher Robin too. |
| September 19 | @mtrh | Jesus H Christhole. I’ve been playing xbox for 4 hours. Time to switch off methinks. |
| September 20 | @sween | George Clooney looks that way because when he was a kid he kept making handsome faces and it stuck that way. No, don’t stare. |
| September 21 | @fowget | @iamchads Oh the long winter nights must fly by |
| September 21 | @TheSleepyNinja | Don’t really understand javascript. Is this what happened to twitter? http://xkcd.com/722/ |
| September 21 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads My mate’s GF had a Mk1 Clipper cab. He discovered that at 45mph if you reached up the wind resistance felt like a boob. |
| September 21 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads we called it nork-speed. |
| September 21 | @GlennyRodge | I have a wee crush on the red in that baking show. That’s scottish/irish for a little bit. I don’t want to wee on her or anything. |
| September 22 | @TheDollSays | Carol Decker from T’Pau is interviewed about correct driving shoes on BBC Breakfast. Up next, Terence Trent D’arby discusses recycling. |
| September 22 | @TruthSandwich | There go my plans for an Ant All-Star Football League. Turns out these thousands of miniature goalposts on my desk are actually staples. |
| September 22 | @willmill82 | “GTF”, the old man says. “It means Get Tae Fuck, ahahahaha”. He continues to laugh uncontrollably at his own wit, I sigh and sip my pint. |
| September 22 | @stebax | Blog comment of the day: “Colin Murray’s darts coverage almost made me shit myself with rage”. |
| September 23 | @topresonancers | @iamchads your tweet “Athletes at the Commonwea…” is now featured on Twitter’s Home http://resonancers.com/u/iamchads |
| September 23 | @The1nbetweener | @iamchads look. You’re trending! http://plixi.com/p/46640153 |
| September 23 | @fulhammatty | Dear everybody in the world. “LOOSE” means slack, free, or un-tethered. The word meaning: to shed or mislay is ‘LOSE’. |
| September 23 | @ncguk | This week some cunts have moved into the house across the street. They haven’t done anything cunty yet but they will, the cunts. |
| September 23 | @TruthSandwich | For one brief, brilliant moment, I thought I’d found my purpose in life. What a fool – turned out to be a dolphin. |
| September 23 | @EatMyHalo | I like to compress tree and plant matter for thousands of years until it’s ready to burn. That’s just how I coal. Sorry, had ice cream. |
| September 24 | @jacques_aih | I embarrassed myself badly during a free trip organised by my wife’s work, and ever since she won’t let me come on her jollies. |
| September 24 | @jacques_aih | My wife visited her friends in Hertfordshire and had a big argument. She doesn’t want to talk about her enormous Bushey hoohah. |
| September 24 | @themanwhofell | A beautiful girl is an inverted mirage. The closer I get to her the more I disappear. |
| September 25 | @kenarmstrong1 | Sam’s swimming teacher can remember everybody’s name after only hearing it once. He is my new hero. No, I don’t know his name. |
| September 25 | @jacques_aih | Last time I went to the cinema I spent 20mins going up and down the stairs. I shouldn’t have asked for seat directions from the Escherette. |
| September 25 | @mattwhatsit | Cliffhanger is Craig Fairbrass’ finest hour. He really captures 3rd Goon & makes it his own. When I think 3rd Goon, I think Craig Fairbrass. |
| September 26 | @TheDollSays | Louise Redknapp is by far Jim Henson’s most realistic muppet. #sftw |
| September 26 | @LadyJanieGeek | @iamchads be honest, you can buy cheap child labour in Waitrose if you know the manager |
| September 27 | @SlllEM | I’m wearing my “fuck my life its motherfucken Monday” shirt to work today. Can’t find my “suck my dick imbecile coworkers” matching tie |
| September 27 | @jacques_aih | I know a girl called Judy Finnigan/Face made up of goosey skin-igan/Next stop is the loonie bin-igan/Pours herself a gin-igan/Begin again. |
| September 27 | @vicbriggs | Unfortunate ending for the Segway CEO. Never heard of them before. Thought there was some collective Twitter spelling issue with segue. |
| September 28 | @brainpicker | Did you catch this? ☞ Europe mapped according to various stereotypes http://is.gd/fw7Vf |
| September 28 | @iamchads | Just generated a #TweetCloud, my top words are: haha, dude, fucking – http://w33.us/8csg (http://twitpic.com/2srskx) |
| September 28 | @SlllEM | If I ever get to name a sandwich, I’ll call it “shit”. “waiter, this sandwich TASTES LIKE SHIT?”. “indeed sir, hot and fresh. bon appétit” |
| September 28 | @MaDom | Polish experts say Europe is gonna get the coldest winter ever. Polish experts? Really? I also hear the Greek gives good economic advice. |
| September 29 | @lucyinglis | Going to have to go to Gloucester Archives. Any experiences/tips for me please? Besides ‘don’t', and ‘measure twice, cut once’, obviously. |
| September 29 | @alisonkbirch | “People in their late 30s / early 40s are the unhappiest in the UK.” If ever there was a case for bringing back Bagpuss, this is surely it. |
| September 29 | @TheDollSays | Actually I have given up smoking, it’s just that my rewards scheme involves cigarettes. |
| September 29 | @jbrownridge | “If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.” — Carl Sagan |
| September 29 | @fowget | Don’t panic, the stoned email was asking if I wanted my organ enhancing. The jokes on them, I can’t even play the piano |
| September 29 | @TheSleepyNinja | Still coughing and sneezing like a dust allergy sufferer in an over the top movie set for a creepy mansion. Respiratory system fail. |
| September 29 | @TheDollSays | Colleague just said pistachios would be more popular if they didn’t have shells. I think she’d be more popular if she didn’t have a mouth. |
| September 29 | @nitsohara | It’s about 8 or 9 yoyos for a packet of fags here, it’d take me all day to count that out in tuppences. |
| September 29 | @icybloke | I now have a set of Shimano 105 SPD-SL pedals & a pair of Specialized road cycling shoes. I *am* aware of the phrase “all the gear, no idea” |
| September 30 | @DeedPole | Hate it when you accidently press send on a wrong tweet. … Bear with me… There’s a bear with me that’s why I accidently pressed send. |
| September 30 | @OctoberJones | New Twitter? More like ‘Poo Twitter’. Eh? Eh? New Twitter? More Like ‘New Shitter’ Yeah! *self 5* |
| September 30 | @MrMisterMan | @iamchads And that sir, is why you drive a BMW and I steal lead off church roofs to sell. (I don’t really) |
| September 30 | @Wardotron | Logistically, oversized goods are quite unpalatable. |
| September 30 | @GlennyRodge | Having got two pints of milk and some lemonade from the shops, I’ve just bought two thirds of a juvenile rhyme. I’m quite proud. |
| September 30 | @theboynoodle | @iamchads try ‘ed’ #SATIRE |
A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 3
Ah, now this was the beginning of Manflu season. There may be a few references to it in this update, and the next.
| October 1 | @fowget | It’s pissing down, I’m at the dentist at 9am and were being audited. Today has the makings of a classic |
| October 1 | @undercoverman | That was the laziest copy and paste follow friday ever. Can’t have spent more than a minute on it. In fact this ‘apology’ has taken longer. |
| October 1 | @TheDollSays | Just got out of a training session. I don’t know what it was about. I didn’t move during the entire hour so it probably wasn’t juggling. |
| October 1 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads Ha ha, yep. But rhyming with tutt (as in ‘a load of old’). Great word. “You’re talking a load of old poop” |
| October 1 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads As kids, when our mum was doing a ‘woe betide you’ rant, she would bet us ‘ten to one to a pinch of poop’ something would happen |
| October 3 | @GlennyRodge | Thinking of setting up an internet based market research company, employing only polite cockneys. I’ll call it After YouGov. |
| October 6 | @DJMissfrenchie | Just seen a Ferrari in Tonbridge: “did you get lost, love?”! |
| October 6 | @The1nbetweener | Don’t get these stories that say Amy Winehouse now looks amazing. Yes, if you like the scabby horse look, then, wow. |
| October 6 | @TheDollSays | Eating porridge at my desk. Boss leans in and says ‘Is that breakfast?’ No, it’s a pastiche of the Suez fuel crisis in oats and milk. |
| October 6 | @TheDollSays | Oh well done boys, ‘Synergy’. Why didn’t you just call yourselves ‘Silver Mondeo’ and be done with it? #apprentice |
| October 6 | @fowget | “Grab your coats and get some meat”. I thought this was #TheApprentice not Britains Roughest Hen Partys on Bravo |
| October 7 | @twiteryeanot | Twitter is great, where else can you say good morning to 900 odd strangers before you get out of bed? (apart from prison) |
| October 7 | @TruthSandwich | The best accidental advert placement in the history of mankind http://bit.ly/agTbR4 |
| October 7 | @TruthSandwich | There’s a nudist colony a couple of miles from where I live. They found a concealed hole in the fence yesterday – police are looking into it |
| October 7 | @sharonGOONer | Got startled today by this girl loudly chanting “That’s not my name! That’s not my name!” I didn’t panic. It was just one of those Tings. |
| October 7 | @GlennyRodge | Let’s not name names but do you think it’s impolite to stick your hand down the front of your jammies when your mate visits you in hospital? |
| October 8 | @CllrRMallender | RT @JimBobbers: NICE reject Man Flu ‘miracle drug’ on NHS. “No free beer” says minister. Petition this injustice. #ManFluAwareness |
| October 8 | @eops | @Fowget @iamchads *damp handshakes all round* #ff |
| October 8 | @mattwhatsit | 10yo struggling to put piece of chicken on his naan bread. “Use the fork…” I say innocently,”Alright Obi-Wan” he fires back. |
| October 9 | @GlennyRodge | Watching Commonwealth Games. England just won the wiggling bum walking race. We’re also favourites in dad dancing & the 4×100 casual racism |
| October 9 | @tortytweets | @iamchads In them? Um….some Ultravox, and a bit of Strauss. |
| October 9 | @tortytweets | @iamchads You must have caught it from Dr Chu Manflu, the evil genius and creator of #manflu |
| October 9 | @WadyWiwwow | Listening to my mate argue with her brother he is as thick as shite in the neck of a bottle! trying not to laugh at him! hahaha! |
| October 9 | @StarchildCoop | I bought the most beautiful photo-frame today. I’m telling you this now, as I just tripped over the bastarding thing. |
| October 10 | @helencairns | I just did a total facepavement in the middle of Greenwich on what appears to be national helmet day. |
| October 10 | @IamSilverFox | RT @beckicrossley: Sean Lock just summed up Twitter, it’s for people who’s minds are leaking. |
| October 10 | @AL64 | “Hello, It’s me Gérard Depardieu! The best thing about being Gérard Depardieu is that I have my very own unhappy emoticon to use, look (/:э( |
| October 11 | @TheDollSays | Must remember when interviewing that simply baring my teeth doesn’t qualify as smiling and asking the questions using Pictionary is unfair. |
| October 11 | @TheDollSays | I’m wearing a boy’s blazer with the sleeves rolled up. I may as well just write ‘media twat’ on my face & beat myself to death in Starbucks. |
| October 11 | @Orbette | Usually I can multitask but juggling a Dib dab and a DS is tricky. If mom came in she’d think I was snorting crack off my own tits. |
| October 11 | @TheDollSays | A toddler on the bus today was having such a frighteningly huge tantrum, my ovaries handed in their notice and applied to be kidneys. |
| October 12 | @deathboy | Fucking gaylords, how do THEY work? http://url.ie/7uft |
| October 12 | @deathboy | FEMINISTS! Save everybody a lot of time by openly stating that you irrationally hate men, so we can discard your opinions. |
| October 12 | @deathboy | WOMEN! Alienate men by assuming the worst. When that fails, hold them responsible for the crimes of the worst examples of their gender. |
| October 12 | @StarchildCoop | @iamchads *comforts you* I know, I know. |
| October 13 | @DavieLegend | I hope they’ve got some warm blankets for those miners, because, you know? It’s Chile. #chileanminers #sorry |
| October 13 | @fowget | Those Chilean Miners look suspiciously healthy. I think they’ve been staying in a mine-themed hotel all this time. Another beer Juan? |
| October 13 | @lucyinglis | Mr I still stuck in Barcelona. Would bless his cotton socks but I don’t think I’m going to want to go anywhere near them when he gets home. |
| October 13 | @TheDollSays | Just eaten organic wholewheat pasta. It would have been more appetising to chew my way through a pesto-covered sporran. |
| October 14 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads It’s not smiling if it doesn’t include your eyes. Or if you have the chewed hand of another candidate dangling from your jaws. |
| October 15 | @_iamjules | @TheMarydoll @teenybella @jezzebela Do you catch young boys, squeeze them through a mangle & then smear their youth on your face before bed? |
| October 15 | @TheConnArtist | http://bit.ly/bT6ygX That must be some tasty salt. Not sure I’d climb a vertical wall for a can of Stella. |
| October 15 | @Orbette | I am Captain Tits today. Got a bra on so padded you’d think my breasts had serious mental problems. |
| October 15 | @SteveToyne | Jesus said to John “come forth and I will give you eternal life.” John came fifth, he won a toaster. |
| October 15 | @fowget | Audioboo: ManFlu http://t.co/FvUvPg5 via @Audioboo |
| October 15 | @lucyinglis | ‘To New York! For a Sothebys sale the size of my little finger & a Christie’s sale the size of my thumb. I must be insane.’ #stepfather |
| October 16 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads if it pauses mid game to give me advice on coping strategies I am running it over. |
| October 18 | @TheDollSays | I’m due in at 8am tomorrow to prepare breakfast for a meeting. By ‘prepare’ I mean run round Soho paying tramps to lick the danish pastries. |
| October 19 | @Krud | *gestures vaguely at the internet* Why, I can remember when all this was nothin’ but black and green text, far as the eye could see… |
| October 20 | @paulsinha | Manchester United is 132 years old. It was only a matter of time before Rooney tried to fuck it up the arse. |
| October 21 | @debihope | The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People does not say anything about setting up the coffee the night before, and is therefore highly suspect. |
| October 21 | @homosoup | I beat the kids until they were purple to show my support to stop the bullying. |
| October 21 | @TheSleepyNinja | One of my patients just sacked me from their care as I am not an omnipotent deity. I may put that as one of my goals in my appraisal |
| October 22 | @TheConnArtist | My friend says that inhaling helium is a lot of fun. He speaks very highly of it. |
| October 22 | @PaulShakeySharp | It’s only when you drive across a level crossing with a coffee in your hand do you discover how inappropriately named they are. |
| October 22 | @TheDollSays | Just spent some time breathing into my cup of tea so my glasses steamed up. That’s the kind of urgent dynamism you need as a top flight PA. |
| October 22 | @quantumbagel | Sad news. The pom-poms have been aborted, discarded like so many week-old wool foetuses from the womb of haberdashery. |
| October 22 | @TheDollSays | Let’s send the 30 people who protested outside Rooney’s house to France. With their record, the retirement age will be down to 25 by Sunday. |
| October 22 | @quantumbagel | I’m jealous, of course. If I said anything like that everybody would fall about laughing, and take turns to vomit on my shoes. |
| October 22 | @jacques_aih | Wayne Rooney has pulled the oldest trick in the book. And he’s used a clever tactic in his contract negotiations too. #mufc |
| October 23 | @GlennyRodge | Sat bolt upright in bed and said “radios need subtitles”. Now that’s how to wake up in the morning. *looks under duvet* And that. |
| October 23 | @SteveToyne | I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday tomorrow, I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it |
| October 23 | @MaDom | It’s sad to see that so many people get hubris on Twitter. Get a life. A real one. #SeriousTweet |
| October 24 | @NrgyFiend | ROFL! RT @BillMc7: What most people don’t know is that the kettle is a fucking asshole, and the pot was being WAAAY too politically correct. |
| October 24 | @sharonGOONer | Boy George is taking his hyperactive lizard back to the petshop. He’s hoping to swap it for a calmer chameleon. |
| October 25 | @lucyinglis | Safe to say I am the only person in Obs with original dentistry or a shred of cashmere about them. |
| October 25 | @StarchildCoop | I seem to have got stuck behind some kind of paedomobile this morning. It was *nothing* like the Batmobile. |
| October 25 | @_iamjules | @SyzygySweetie *wipes spit off face* You do? Do you think I should keep it then? I’m trying to be an enigma |
| October 25 | @_iamjules | @iamchads And anyway dude… Beefy muffdiving lezzers? Seriously? Haven’t you learned ANYTHING yet? *twinkles* *jiggles teacups* @fowget |
| October 25 | @TheStevenWeber | During one embarrassing episode in his adolescence, the Scarecrow was once caught grasping at straws. |
| October 26 | @KeithBlanchard | RT @SlappNuttz: I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work. |
| October 26 | @Twistedlilkitty | Schrodinger’s Toilet: That sense of dread you feel before opening the closed lid of a public toilet. |
| October 26 | @TruthSandwich | You know when someone on Twitter asks a rhetorical statement to make a point, then answers it with ‘Me neither’? Me neither. |
| October 26 | @twiteryeanot | Is the definition of genitalia the trademark of genuine Italian goods? |
| October 26 | @paul_clarke | oh one more pimp, why not, for the night owls: a ranty data protection blog piece – http://rb.tl/bkiQy8 |
| October 27 | @sharonGOONer | @iamchads Sade gave up music to open a fruit drink bar in town. She is a smoothy operator. |
| October 27 | @TheDollSays | I see ‘Vodaphone’ is trending. There was me thinking it was Vodafone that had got everyone upset! I don’t know where to put my face. |
| October 27 | @TeenyBella | This is my crash. In pictures. In your FACE insurance company. Should I colour it in? http://twitpic.com/31aqvd |
| October 27 | @mattwhatsit | @sharongooner You chose well. It was shitting it down last night. Isle de Canve was soaked. |
| October 27 | @brainpicker | Gorgeous paper typography by Bianca Chang http://is.gd/gnfok |
| October 28 | @lucyinglis | The first thing I can tell you is that I would rather watch a chimp cook plastic fried eggs on a pretend gas ring than Princess Valium here. |
| October 28 | @warren_bennett | RT @DeeGF Dislike the Nigella bashing.I see a lady my age,who’s borne deaths of Mum,sis & husband by cancer & is still upbeat.It’s TV,ffs. |
| October 28 | @GlennyRodge | Broadband keeps going down. Going back to basics. Expect a 140 character letter in the post. Please retweet if you like it, i.e send it back |
| October 28 | @TeenyBella | @iamchads FANNYCUNTFACE |
| October 28 | @eops | Watched child genius show and missed an idiot abroad – ironically I could have watched genius on +1 but have no clever way to watch an idiot |
| October 29 | @undercoverman | Yes, a great way of checking whether the kettle has boiled is to touch it. Burned fingers? Tea time. |
| October 29 | @lucyinglis | So many unfinished projects strewn around me I am beginning to make Michelangelo look like a closer. |
| October 29 | @lucyinglis | #thingswomenshouldstopdoing Wearing high heels that make them walk like a bandy-legged navvy after 2 pints of moonshine. |
| October 29 | @sharonGOONer | I like to think of Saw movies as the “Why don’t you” of our younger generation. |
| October 30 | @lucyinglis | @JimBobbers *cries**burns soiled pink velour tracksuit* |
| October 30 | @JessicaNorthey | Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose. Bill Gates #quote |
| October 31 | @sharonGOONer | A famous author has completely forgotten what to do with his willy. It’s a serious case of writer’s cock. |
| October 31 | @TheSleepyNinja | Trying to find a house where the streets don’t have signs, I found my way by using tarot cards |
| November 1 | @OctoberJones | Well, here I am again. Back at my fucking desk. I hope you’re happy Jesus. You cunt. |
| November 1 | @TruthSandwich | In Oxford killing time. This place must have the lowest ratio of chins to people in the world. |
| November 1 | @EatMyHalo | @sharongooner RIP Fred. Happily, my pet bathroom spider, Boddicker, is still alive. They make little love webs round your heart don’t they? |
| November 1 | @ncguk | Christmas is the shortened name for Christmasturbate, the one day of the year Jesus allowed himself a cheeky wank. |
| November 1 | @lucyinglis | @iamjules_ DEAR GOD. *tugs on your legs**writes note for @iamchads about spycam**snatches down fistfuls of tramadol* |
| November 1 | @lucyinglis | @mrs_ivy_trellis WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BURN THEIR BRA? Unless they have no nerps. In which case, bad luck for them. Ha! |
| November 1 | @tackie_jackie | God, I’m a chatty bitch today. Sorry about that. But it’s either talk to you guys or say this shit to real people. |
| November 2 | @Orbette | @crazycolours 50k words? Fuck that off. |
| November 2 | @mattwhatsit | On The Tube. If you’re in The North it’s like a big metal sausage that lives in the pavement and carries people to work and crime scenes. |
| November 2 | @brainpicker | The Creative Process Illustrated: How Advertising’s Big Ideas Are Born – peek inside the creative mind http://is.gd/gCnyI |
| November 3 | @DavieLegend | @TheDollSays @TheJohnnyMc It went “a bit mental” like Hitler “beat up some Jews”. |
| November 3 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads it deserves bacon. Croque Ninja? |
| November 3 | @TheSleepyNinja | I just managed to use trebuchet in a clinical case management context. I deserve I pat on the head. |
| November 3 | @robinince | “we are not entitled to our opinions, we are entitled to our informed opinions. No one has the right to be ignorant” Harlan Ellison |
| November 4 | @TheSleepyNinja | @cripesonfriday are you a closet coulrophobic? |
| November 4 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Valuable lesson in ‘there is no right answer, only a justifiable method to achieve results’. The kid’ll be a cert for MI6. |
| November 5 | @DavieLegend | @TeenyBella WANKS OVER FATTIES DM TITS |
| November 5 | @chaosgerbil | This one is especially for @mrsbinzgerbil http://gizmo.do/bNR4CN |
| November 5 | @Orbette | Dear @Jason_Manford, here’s a picture of my tits, you know, seeing as you’re into that http://yfrog.com/f3j7mvj |
| November 6 | @RachelvsPublic | I said something lesbiany last night. I’m not a lesbian. No lesbians were harmed last night. Goodnight. |
| November 6 | @_iamjules | @TeenyBella WTF?! That’s just wrong wrong wrong. Mousse is for strawberries & chocolate! Not fish heeds *pukes* |
| November 6 | @tortytweets | Ooooh Aaaaah Sparkly! http://twitpic.com/34ia5q |
| November 6 | @lucyinglis | @iamjules_ Old boyfriend called me ‘bitch’ once, mid-tup. I punched him so hard in the mouth I split my knuckle. @TeenyBella |
| November 6 | @SyzygySweetie | @iamchads @CoffeeHooker Completely and utterly ditto. My whole drunken life could be summed up as “shameful but hilarious” |
| November 7 | @FliesOpen | I feel like the local idiot. Everyone around me is having serious conversations while I babble away to myself in the corner.
Wibble. |
| November 7 | @FliesOpen | Being caught naked, weeping in front of a broken wooden spoon ‘friend’ is an effective way to lose that unslightly dignity. |
| November 7 | @FliesOpen | Had some indoor fireworks. Quite frankly, I could have turned the oven on and off a few times instead. |
| November 7 | @fowget | @iamjules_ @iamchads I’ll do a money shot on the next batch |
| November 7 | @mattwhatsit | Only 16 minutes before all the gays get up. Let’s talk about boobs and stuff, quick. |
| November 7 | @TeenyBella | Jesus was only 33 when he karked it? See, that’s what beige gets you. In your FACE JESUS. |
| November 7 | @fowget | @wobblyvirtue Very well written Woody, glad to see you well. You could always use the tired card in bed too and make Gladys go on top |
| November 7 | @sharonGOONer | I know we ponder life’s mysteries but the most disturbing one for me is what was the first man to milk a cow thinking? |
| November 7 | @theshedender | Haha Joe Cole was looking ridiculous. Was the worst dressed man at Chelsea…probably best dressed at the bin dippers |
| November 8 | @expatina | I can’t help it–every time I see a photo of Karl Rove, I envision an apple in his mouth. #andgravycloseby |
| November 9 | @Scotwriter | Its my birthday – I am 24 years old and there is not a day goes by that I don’t give thanks for my dyslexia |
| November 9 | @_footnote | @SyzygySweetie There’s only one cure for discombobulation… recombobulation. |
| November 9 | @peterkford | #gamesnobodywants Bounders |
| November 10 | @MooseAllain | I’m a bit OCD, so whenever I undress someone with my eyes I always spend ages folding their clothes neatly. They lose interest. I’m alone. |
| November 10 | @BobaFrigginFett | What is this fuckery? RT @zackalltimelow: Just relaxing before I go back on call. http://plixi.com/p/56050862 |
| November 10 | @TheDollSays | I’m at my desk in a gigantic cardigan and an oversized scarf. I’m a couple of pillows and a valance away from actually wearing a bed. |
| November 10 | @PaulShakeySharp | A truck in front and left of me. Stationary cars to my right. Business man. Old couple. Teen goth picking his nose. Sick boy. #SayWhatYouSee |
| November 10 | @DarkBeige | who is that nob with tattoos who does links on mtv about nothing and seems like a total weapon? |
| November 10 | @StarchildCoop | Keep getting my trousers attached to the filing cabinet. What’s embarrassing is I have to pretend I’m just lurking at the back of the office |
| November 10 | @StarchildCoop | @cacologik Shonky? Oh no…what have I done? |
| November 10 | @Papa_Shango | Note to Motorists.
Unless you’ve kidnapped it, nobody gives a fuck if you’ve got a child on board. |
| November 10 | @Papa_Shango | I said to my wife last night, “I fancy a takeaway.”
She said, “Are you talking Chinese?” I said, “No, did it sound Chinese?” |
| November 10 | @StarchildCoop | Colleague’s filling me in about when he was in a coma for 2 hours, as a child. I’m starting to think he’s still in it? Or I am? |
| November 11 | @TonyCowards | Never getting into a fight on the moving stairs in a department store, it can escalate very quickly. |
| November 11 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads If you substitute a Mark II Ford Escort and a pink suede miniskirt – I was that girl. No dog though. |
| November 11 | @mattwhatsit | In the morning I shall delete all of these tweets. Especially this one. I WANT TO SHAG MY SISTER! |
| November 12 | @TruthSandwich | Do you remember that time it was so cold we had to dance under canvas to keep warm? ‘Twas the winter of disco tent. |
| November 12 | @TruthSandwich | Gale force wind batters Britain. Thousands of miles away, a fine mist dips New Zealand in egg, then breadcrumbs. |
| November 12 | @sharonGOONer | “I put some money on a horse at 20/1. It came in at quarter to two.” That was on Tommy Cooper dvd. I think I am his lovechild. |
| November 12 | @StarchildCoop | My Cousin’s been asleep since about 9. She’s got her back to me. Is this what it’s like being married? |
| November 12 | @fowget | @StarchildCoop Yes |
| November 12 | @fowget | The Wife just asked me to get her some nipple cream. I just got a smack because I did the woohoo noise instead of being sympathic. Arse |
| November 13 | @roncaldwell | Fatigué=adipose homosexual #fracturedfrench |
| November 13 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Ha! Blonde bint in ancient red Merc estate. Probably going too fast. |
| November 13 | @TheDollSays | ‘Screen siren’ Patsy Kensit? I assume that refers to the ‘outrageous botox’ siren that goes off whenever she appears on screen. #SCD |
| November 14 | @fowget | I am listening to The Cure whilst doing my ironing and one thought crosses my mind. I wonder if Robert Smith can iron? |
| November 14 | @Average_Batman | RT: @starchildcoop Best T Shirt in the WORLD….Thanks @average_batman http://yfrog.com/3wzhj – might put some on eBay?… |
| November 14 | @nitsohara | He’s just tried to make it up to me by giving me a finger of Fudge. #definitelynotaeuphemismyoudirtbirds |
| November 14 | @TeenyBella | @iamchads Slutbag |
| November 14 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Wh*re. |
| November 14 | @fowget | @iamchads Corporate whore |
| November 15 | @lucyinglis | Just seen the mewling hatchling Hydra that is Jedward. Until now I hadn’t seen the value in those vouchers for Nikita’s Assassin Academy. |
| November 15 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Text message this morning: 4 pds each window, inside and out. 6 pds each gutter. Leave key under mat. Pay Dave in The Fox. |
| November 15 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Second text message: Sorry, wrong daughter! Don’t leave your key under the mat, you’ll get a crack addict. Love, Ma x |
| November 16 | @fowget | There is a really hot teacher who has just started at Sandy’s school, and a school is not the best place to be walking from with a hard on |
| November 16 | @StarchildCoop | I look Foxy this morning. Not in a sexy way, more mange-like. |
| November 16 | @EatMyHalo | Congratulations to Billiam Von Deutschland and Privileged Horsebox. I wish you a long and happy photography session. Starting from….now! |
| November 16 | @fowget | @JimBobbers @MacMyk @farnworthphotos @iamchads I like a challenge. I offered to convert my mates Sister once, he wasn’t impressed |
| November 16 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads You do realise I got momentarily confused with Terry Waite there. *shoots self* |
| November 16 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Mr’s godson decided to support Liverpool. ‘I’m sadder about that than the fact you’re ginger,’ he was told. |
| November 16 | @hblx | Well done love, you are set up for life. However, your life is now completely fucked. |
| November 16 | @kenarmstrong1 | You know you’re getting old when the people you used to twiddle over now look like the thing you were twiddling. |
| November 17 | @sharonGOONer | One pair of trousers needs wonderweb. One pair has no zip. None of this would happen under a labour government. |
| November 17 | @TheDollSays | SPORTS NEWS: John Terry is out with a nerve problem. He’s getting on everyone’s. |
| November 17 | @PaulShakeySharp | I’ve got a very low tolerance for arrogance, incompetence, immaturity and self importance. And for words with more than 5 letters. |
| November 17 | @The_Queen_G | Take That’s new album is called ‘Progress’. Which is ironic given it contains the same sort of shit they released first time around. |
| November 17 | @jacques_aih | Siouxsie Sioux goes for a pioux in the lioux. |
| November 17 | @PaulShakeySharp | There’s plenty of fish in the sea. I got lucky, I caught my prize catch, and then filleted her and I don’t know where I’m going with this. |
| November 17 | @PaulShakeySharp | I’m utterly crap with money. It burns a hole in my pocket. My long term financial planning consists of the following; 1. Win the lottery. |
| November 17 | @TheBosha | Client: noun \klī-ənt\ A person who insists on paying as little as possible but is offended when you can’t hang with them at the yacht club. |
| November 17 | @TheSleepyNinja | Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Diana’s ring since Dodi Al Fayed! |
| November 17 | @lucyinglis | Completed the Westminster run in under an hour and five minutes. Doesn’t exactly make me the Millennium Falcon. I know this. |
| November 17 | @TheSleepyNinja | Just bought a new aftershave that smells of breadcrumbs.. The birds love it. |
| November 17 | @sharonGOONer | “Fuck Jesus! Fuck God! And fuck this fire it’s fucking hot!” Oh. Talk of the Devil. |
| November 17 | @MandyPandy32 | @RogerQuimbly I try not to reply in an over eager manner to those I like on Twitter,but sometimes I can’t help myself. It’s a sycophantictic |
| November 17 | @AL64 | Considering they have nine lives to play with, I’m surprised cats aren’t a little more experimental in their mating rituals. |
| November 18 | @TheJohnnyMc | You deep squatting bumble fuck. #swearyday |
| November 18 | @TruthSandwich | I’m having my pubes curled. The hairdresser doesn’t look happy about it. “You’re doing a grand job, love!” I shout above the retching. |
| November 18 | @fowget | @iamjules_ OK what have you done with Jules? Chadders get’s filthy Jules and I get prim business Jules |
| November 18 | @TeenyBella | Dry fucking shampoo? My hair looks like someone has emptied my bastarding Dyson on it. |
| November 18 | @TheDollSays | CERN can stand down. My washing machine is going through such a violent spin cycle, I’m fairly sure it’s going to create the Higgs Bosun. |
| November 19 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads Didn’t see a shrink until I was 17. He was crazier than me. He looked like an 80′s midfielder and had wooden snakes on the wall. |
| November 19 | @TheSleepyNinja | @TruthSandwich he was more interested in my Step-Mum’s boobs and my Dad’s Wallet. I never did work out the wooden snakes. |
| November 19 | @TruthSandwich | @TheSleepyNinja *leans forward* *furrows brow* Tell me more about your stepmother’s boobs… |
A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 4
Absolutely gallons of genius in this one. It was Christmas – see what happens when I take time off work?
I obviously have no life. Well, I have a life, I just don’t participate in it much. Just ask @mrschads….
| November 19 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads I love the fact that you glaze over when your kids talk to you. You’re my cynical touchstone. |
| November 19 | @fowget | @iamchads @TheDollSays I’m the nice one who wants to be your friend. A little piece of me dies everytime |
| November 19 | @GrahamTCousins | @IrateofOxted 7th! Fuck me, I need a knife & fork after the 3rd. #HeavyGoing |
| November 20 | @countingcrows | Whenever I wonder why people are unfollowing me, I like to think it’s because I’m really fucking annoying. It makes me smile on the inside. |
| November 20 | @StarchildCoop | My book is downstairs. I’m too tired to move. Only my eyes and hands will work? *tries to walk on my hands* *deads myself* |
| November 20 | @OnlineAStevens | #babyiscoming RT @WordEjaculation @OnlineAStevens I love how you’ve re-termed a cervical sweep to a foof prod. |
| November 20 | @DavidGArnold | 14 year old sons opinion of one direction ” a pack of vile gremlins”…….my work here is done |
| November 20 | @martindeeson | All You Need Is Love. “Well done, you more than nailed that song. You crucified it.” |
| November 21 | @grazingbison | @iamchads @TheSleepyNinja I’ve shown it to some passers by. One woman vomited on me. One man propositioned me. Another set fire to his eyes |
| November 21 | @grazingbison | I like how autocorrect tries changing cialis to cosmos. I have no true understanding of either, but they both get me HARD |
| November 21 | @StarchildCoop | @iamchads SHIT. Isn’t it the left one that tunes the radio? |
| November 21 | @TheDollSays | The pope has said condoms are sometimes acceptable. Also, nuns are allowed discreet tattoos and occasionally hymns can feature Ja Rule. |
| November 21 | @TheBosha | Hey workout addicts/ self-righteous anti-smokers/ diet dictators/ moderation police, how is living in constant fear of death superior? |
| November 21 | @icybloke | Devil’s Bridge, near Lucca, Italy. Amazing bridge, the picture doesn’t do justice to how steep it is! #SUNDAYPICS http://twitpic.com/38wzh8 |
| November 22 | @TheDollSays | I have to orientate a new PA. I’m starting with a presentation; ‘The Pantomime Of Disappointment’, then I’ll show her where I go to scream. |
| November 22 | @jacques_aih | I keep pinching stuff from the warehouse and taking it back to my house. I think I’ve got Stock>Home Syndrome. |
| November 22 | @iSwarb | @iamchads @Fowget Steady there. It’s not like either of us called you the white Chris Kamara. (UNBELIEVABLE!!) |
| November 22 | @quantumbagel | If I have one regret in life it’s not having enough bad sex with strangers. |
| November 22 | @iSwarb | Roll up, Roll up!!! Step this way for the all-new @iamchads t-shirt! http://twitpic.com/396z3u |
| November 22 | @iSwarb | @Fowget @iamchads Thanks, Chris! It’s a team effort though. Err, that’s why I didn’t credit you in any way #TeamPlayer |
| November 22 | @iSwarb | @iamchads @Fowget I only follow 33 people – very few of them qualify as “earnest” to be honest – they’re more the “cock” and “twat” crowd. |
| November 22 | @iSwarb | Today brought me big disappointment, but @iamchads (the White Kamara) and @fowget (the Oldham Elvis) really took the edge off – top fellas! |
| November 22 | @quantumbagel | The elastic in my joggies whispers to me seductively. Oh, yes, my expandable beauty, let us roll in biscuits together. |
| November 22 | @quantumbagel | People, don’t expect too much from me. I have poor internet connection and an O level in Religious Studies. |
| November 23 | @Paxochka | Three Wise Men? Three of them? Now I really know the Bible isn’t real. |
| November 23 | @Sorayablu | 1. Go to Google maps. 2. Go to 35 Sampsonia Way, Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. 3. Click street view. 4. Turn the view around. |
| November 23 | @miss_popcouture | Photo: › The Periodic Table Of British Swearing http://tumblr.com/x8kreltx2 |
| November 23 | @CitizenNate | @RachelvsPublic is that in the modern “street” sense of the word? Is you well sick man? |
| November 23 | @TruthSandwich | So yesterday I played tennis against a family of OCD badgers. They won in straight sets. #ohyes |
| November 23 | @TheDollSays | I’m wearing a necklace featuring a skull on crossed handguns. My demeanour says ‘approachable’ but my decolletage says ‘I may be a pirate.’ |
| November 23 | @quantumbagel | A splash of red wine gravy, et voila. My cheap steak pie becomes boeuf en croute. In your pouty face, Nigella. |
| November 24 | @Revmoon | Dreamed a range of robots had been designed to kill me. Like mechanical Langoliers. That’ll be a few minutes to get back to sleep then. |
| November 24 | @grazingbison | This traffic jam now has a population larger than Liechtenstein. If you take into account the extra personalities I’ve conscripted to cope |
| November 24 | @TheDollSays | I’ve bought Katie Price’s new book for my Kindle. Well I say that, what I’ve actually done is type ‘BOOBIES’ on a calculator. |
| November 24 | @quantumbagel | A lot. Two words. Two. IT IS NOT DIFFICULT. A lot. A. Lot. Feel the space between. A lot. |
| November 24 | @quantumbagel | I wanted to run after her and scream “When you overheard me say ‘fishy crotch’, I didn’t mean MINE!” But I’m no runner. *shrugs* |
| November 24 | @quantumbagel | Dinner cooked for me AGAIN today. The Hubster still feels there’s everything to play for, despite me telling him I’ve lost my vagina. |
| November 24 | @NickMotown | @TheDollSays Someone once asked me what I knew about Judo. I said ‘do they make bagels from it?’. Works better spoken out loud, mind you. |
| November 24 | @lucyinglis | Students! If you are stupid enough to be surprised that politicians will lie through their teeth to win power, education can’t help you. |
| November 24 | @tortytweets | Tell you what though, not one single person asked me the way to Abercrombie & Fitch today. FYI, it’s on the corner of Fuckoff and Getamap. |
| November 24 | @TheDollSays | I can’t help thinking that any food coming out of Nigel Slater’s kitchen would taste faintly of athlete’s foot cream. |
| November 24 | @nitsohara | The bed in this hotel room is really high. I feel like the Princess and The Pea (‘s older, bitter sister). |
| November 25 | @kittydoodle | This weekend I shall buy some NOEL letters as a Christmas decoration. But I shall display them as LEON, because it’s an excellent film. |
| November 25 | @mattwhatsit | “Plusnet – good honest broadband from Yorkshire” that doesn’t trust you and thinks you’re a southern twat with girl’s hair. |
| November 25 | @mattwhatsit | Anyone checked @pauljchambers hasn’t paid for Christmas using the #twitterjoketrialfund and is now going mental in his shed? #arthurfowler |
| November 25 | @TheSleepyNinja | Having a grand day out with @iamchads he is on the left. http://plixi.com/p/59046914 |
| November 25 | @fowget | Today a Northerner and two Southerners were friendly to each other. I reckon they should send us to Korea next |
| November 25 | @TheSleepyNinja | ‘Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What sick bastard does that to someone’s advent calendar’ |
| November 25 | @TheSleepyNinja | I know a magician called “Magic Mark” I have begged him to change his stage name to Ian. |
| November 25 | @fowget | Wife: What’s that? Me: It’s a Kindle Wife: Get me one Me: It’s £109 Wife: Don’t bother |
| November 25 | @fowget | Right, so these Golden Twits awards are actually real. I thought it was just a joke. I’d better start rolling out the good material |
| November 26 | @quantumbagel | Tits so bored they’ve packed up their nipples and left. Going to do something, er, upright. |
| November 26 | @quantumbagel | Halfway through sandwich then noticed fishfingers were thawed, not cooked. Do I have time for cake before the vomiting starts? |
| November 26 | @quantumbagel | Finish this tea, then take the dog out. Maybe ice brushing against his balls will make him think twice about mounting the dog next door. |
| November 26 | @quantumbagel | I’m not optimistic. He was dry humping the fridge first thing this morning. |
| November 26 | @quantumbagel | Bracing walk. Now I can pass off my broken capillaries as fresh air. |
| November 26 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads ‘The Les’ just struck the wrong note didn’t it. |
| November 26 | @quantumbagel | @TallulahMiggins Do I sound fucking NICE? |
| November 26 | @TheDollSays | If I were tiny and skinny and French, I’d be Audrey Tautou. It’s merely a question of genetics and geography. |
| November 26 | @TeenyBella | It’s snowed one foot in the last hour. In another four I’ll be an inch under snow. Even the snow can’t suppress my inner accountant. |
| November 26 | @SyzygySweetie | “Time to nut up or shut up” |
| November 27 | @jacques_aih | Off into town but someone has left a picnic in the middle of the road. That’s bound to hamper my progress. |
| November 27 | @Debtriloquist | The best loo sign ever, BAR NONE RT @pow3rvator: Urinal sign at an engagement ring shop http://bit.ly/g4Uqp4 |
| November 27 | @TheDollSays | Everything I own can fuck off. #cleaning |
| November 27 | @TheDollSays | @TummyCustard It was disgusting although I did find *insert name of famous missing person/horse* under the sofa. Ahahaha. |
| November 27 | @lucyinglis | This losing weight is all very well but I just sat on my skirt and it ‘fell’ down. Verrry stylish. *flicks hair back in nonchalant fashion* |
| November 27 | @fowget | @iamchads I know mate, I’d have the good stuff over the paint stripper every time |
| November 27 | @StarchildCoop | The lady delivering our Chinese food just tripped and threw the food in our house. Fast food is getting EXTREME. |
| November 28 | @TeenyBella | Right. Say nothing. My lovely neighbour from upstairs is in the garden in his electric wheelchair. Stranded. *shoves fist in mouth* |
| November 28 | @TeenyBella | Me: can I give you a push (I know, i know)
Him (imagine an electronic voice): I’m just getting some air. Me: you’re not wedged? … |
| November 28 | @TeenyBella | I have to say, his snow angel was a bit fucking shite. |
| November 28 | @TeenyBella | An interesting fact about a voicebox. His tone never changed. Wouldn’t you think they’d hoy like a emoticon thing display on or something. |
| November 28 | @TheDollSays | Having a gin & tonic. Tipped some on the floor for the Queen Mother. RIP Q-Mo. |
| November 29 | @thatfunnyjew | Ladies & gents, Andy Reid – clock management superstar. Let’s give him a big hand. **crickets** |
| November 29 | @EatMyHalo | I just said digital gloves in a tweet, meaning ones with separate fingers. Can’t stop tittering. What an asshole. |
| November 29 | @CalvinJohns | @EatMyHalo – a really crappy Metal Mickey voice “See you soon…” with a pause before their name, in a different tone “Geoff.” |
| November 29 | @EatMyHalo | @JonasHalo Hahaha!!! I want to live in a world where these things exist. Antwackey things, as my mother would say. |
| November 29 | @74Promotions | @EatMyHalo night Cyn, sleep well x |
| November 29 | @GrahamTCousins | @EatMyHalo Noight Noight Glove lover, Fleece Dreams. x |
| November 29 | @Krud | There’s no ‘us’ in ‘team.’ But let’s try not to dwell on that. #clumsyinspiration |
| November 29 | @TheDollSays | Just gone past the Houses of Parliament. I love the smell of poorly concealed contempt for the British public in the morning. |
| November 29 | @TheDollSays | Thanks to my colleague’s cough, I’m fairly sure I now know how the death throes of an asthmatic woolly mammoth would have sounded. |
| November 29 | @jacques_aih | Bus was steamed up so I drew a face on the window. A voice said “Oh yes, *that’s* good”. Must have been the condescension. |
| November 29 | @5tevenw | Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I’ll show you a man who’s trying to sleep with a vegan. |
| November 30 | @danosirra | Girl just got told off by her mum for calling it a toilet instead of loo. “We don’t use that word.” Wondering as to the policy on “shitter”. |
| November 30 | @SIRJoshuaToThee | I sledge down Ye Campden HILL ‘pon Mr APPLES iPad, using his iPhone as a crude RUDDER. I am finally convert’d unto GAMING. |
| November 30 | @TheDollSays | Colleague has struggled bravely in with the flu. If she passes it on to me I’ll struggle bravely in and staple her fingers to her face. |
| December 1 | @PaulShakeySharp | In my opinion Kylie, what’s the point in living if you don’t want to stand at the bar getting pissed while watching women dance. |
| December 1 | @PaulShakeySharp | @Toy_A Yeah a mate of mine is a ‘social smoker’, which just means he doesn’t buy them. |
| December 1 | @TheDollSays | Just made a hair appointment. Apparently I’m seeing the ‘Master Hair Designer’. The ‘Follicle Sorcerer’ was probably fully booked. |
| December 1 | @PaulShakeySharp | Kids of today should count themselves lucky. When I had an advent calendar as a kid it had nothing inside each door but a fucking picture. |
| December 1 | @TheMarydoll | Snow is like a willy, it’s measured in inches, soft to the touch, comes when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you’d like it. |
| December 1 | @martindeeson | Why living in the country is silly: walked thru snow for an hour to the village shop to find they had no bread. Walked home. Forgot the fags |
| December 2 | @Krud | My new parodaoke: “Hey Care Provider” ( in case you’ve no’t heard enough Plain White T’s parodies): http://www.singsnap.com/snap/r/af727cece |
| December 2 | @PaulShakeySharp | I’ve been raising money to build a well in a village in Africa. When it’s built they will then be able to throw money in and wish for food. |
| December 2 | @firmpear | Woke up with water trickling down my face again. I really ought to fix that roof. |
| December 2 | @DarkBeige | if you fall over in a large north surrey town, is it a Croydian slip? |
| December 2 | @decath10n | Percentage of workers sadly calling in for snow absenteeism: 74% Percentage of those whose other hand is trying to high-five itself: 99% |
| December 2 | @OctoberJones | @iamchads No no! It was an escalator made of pencil cases and rulers! That’s probably why it wasn’t moving! |
| December 2 | @martindeeson | Did Jeremy Vine on R2 really just say that David Beckham should stand for political office? As what? Minister for Talking Like Children |
| December 2 | @iSwarb | If any of you ever see me with a Snakebite and Black, I implore you to knock it from my hand on behalf of Me from the following day. |
| December 2 | @iSwarb | @Fowget Don’t worry, I’m sure once my head has vaguely cleared that I’ll love the Purple as much as ever #BadTweetToReadOutOfContext |
| December 2 | @Jason_maybe | I had morning wood. But my wife has morning wouldn’t. So now I’m mourning wood. |
| December 2 | @fowget | Dear Boots in Bury. Your staff are useless. Dear Next in Bury, your lady in the mens dept is very helpful and has great norks |
| December 2 | @stefdicembre | World Cup 2018: To Russia, with love from Sepp and the guys. Now perhaps we can focus on Fifa corruption rather than trying to suck its cock |
| December 3 | @robinbogg | Do not underestimate Aussies – they have already recovered to 1-2 #ashes |
| December 3 | @williamstafford | So cold. I’m afraid to clear my throat in case I cough out my testicles. |
| December 3 | @jacques_aih | Cab drivers in Dallas have to do the grassy knolledge. |
| December 3 | @neillockwood | @BECKintl Excellent idea which may be beneficial to you! http://bit.ly/hS863E via @neurotic_dog |
| December 3 | @FiserableMucker | Compiling a list of all the tales by bullshitters I went to school with & ever worked with to send billybullshit.com @billy_bullshit |
| December 3 | @TheDollSays | I could watch Michael McIntyre on BBC1 tonight, or I could just wobble my head incessantly while laughing at my cutlery drawer. |
| December 3 | @TeenyBella | Do I get a TWITTER COMPANY CAR NOW?? |
| December 4 | @TheFagCasanova | How #FollowFriday is supposed to work: http://j.mp/hVu2C6 /via @Oatmeal |
| December 4 | @ratbanjos | I’ve suddenly become very aware of my skeleton. I don’t like that it’s just sitting inside me, all bony. Brrrr. |
| December 4 | @fowget | Just saw a woman smoking but I couldn’t tell if she was pregnant or just fat so I glared at her anyway |
| December 4 | @mixmasterfestus | Much better. http://twitpic.com/3cu99n |
| December 4 | @fowget | I’d like to say the atmosphere at work has been great this week. I’d like to be able to say that. Anyway, I’m off to the Christmas doo |
| December 4 | @BurrowDweller73 | 3rd film of the day: ‘Lullaby’ a romcom w/Clemence Poesy (well, the French know who she is) #TweetWhatYouSee #ILiveAtTheMovies |
| December 4 | @Galinoz | My behaviour was impeccable. Zero bending. *cutseys*. thank you and goodnight. |
| December 4 | @fowget | I’m bored and the hot blond has got off the bus. At least in my car I can play “guess the source of the grinding noise” game |
| December 4 | @curlywurlyfi | I have been sledging, lunched with BF’s parents, generally worn the mask. Now going to bed for a couple of hours. Shattered. |
| December 4 | @fowget | @iamchads @notahippy Hi dude. Meal at a restaurant then off to a pub with a late bar. Fowget does not dance |
| December 4 | @MrsCupidStunt | RT @exceptionalfood Did you know that “Dammit I’m Mad” spelled backwards is “Dammit I’m Mad?” #funny #anagrams |
| December 4 | @GlennyRodge | There’s a lot L’ing OL tonight. Nobody ever L’s Q these days. Also, get off the F, you’ll catch something down there. |
| December 5 | @Pedalville | In Pret. Man next to me asked for a “skinny tea”. That’s just wrong, isn’t it? |
| December 5 | @grazingbison | Listening to some Swiss sketches on Swiss radio. I understand every 12th word. It is HILARIOUS |
| December 5 | @LadyJanieGeek | @RichHL @iamchads I only did that the once. You’re like my mother, keep going on about it. The cat was old and incontinent anyway |
| December 5 | @rupinjapan | Cash4Gold rejection letter, touch harsh http://twitpic.com/3d7wz7 |
| December 5 | @grazingbison | I feel like I’m asking too many questions. Am I asking too many questions? |
| December 6 | @KellyLou17 | HAHAHAHAA THIS IS SO MEAN BUT I TOTALLY NEARLY PISSED MY PANTS “That akward moment when mary scans the XFactor winners CD at Tesco” LOL |
| December 6 | @grazingbison | Tomorrow, I’m off twitter. If you’ve got anything important to tell me, like who would win in a fight between Vikings & Clowns, tell me now |
| December 7 | @Quaristice | Final #Ashes tweet until next match. England 620/5, Australia 549/20. Lucky lucky lucky. |
| December 7 | @Chillyourbeans | @iamchads my girlfriend is 24, she still has a floordrobe |
| December 7 | @SuperCracko | @Chillyourbeans @iamchads I’m 25 and all about the floordrobe. YEAH I SAID IT. |
| December 7 | @TonyCowards | Had a dreadful dessert in Kent last night, diss custard of Tunbridge Wells. |
| December 7 | @_iamjules | Embrace this man to your bosom https://twitter.com/iamchads/status/ 12095603035078656 |
| December 7 | @lucyinglis | Nota bene mannerless trogs on London’s streets this day – if you’re visibly younger than me, a man, or moving at speed, YOU give way. |
| December 7 | @PaulShakeySharp | I don’t hear Scotland taking the piss out of England’s inability to get around in the snow now. It’s all gone quiet. |
| December 7 | @OctoberJones | @TeenyBella That’s excellent You’re better at art than I am at Accountancing. Here are some numbers I typed: 109,25,745,8. Are they good? |
| December 7 | @TheConnArtist | I need to buy Xmas presents for an Englishman and a German, who are in a civil partnership. Was thinking of “His and Herr’s” dressing gowns. |
| December 7 | @PaulShakeySharp | Trucks aren’t always in the 2nd lane because we’re overtaking. Sometimes it’s to let you pull out. Being grateful wouldn’t fucking kill you. |
| December 7 | @FrankieMcGinty | Good King Wankseslas wanked off on the feast of wanker, as the wank wanked all about wank wank wank wank wanker. |
| December 7 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads I genuinely mixed cough mixture, frozen tequila and sprite when I was ill at Uni. |
| December 7 | @fowget | I’d like to say I have an amazing Wife who has cooked the meal I prepared last night. I’d like to be able to say that. Lazy cunt |
| December 7 | @GlennyRodge | When my Ma asks if you know Silent Night it basically means shut up. As does “can you sing ‘Over The Hills & Far Away’?” |
| December 7 | @TheDollSays | The Iceland Xmas adverts get worse every year. Next year it’ll just be Jason Donovan crying while wanking into a hollowed out vol-au-vent. |
| December 7 | @decath10n | @iamchads I always do. Except with the additional image of an attempted door slam on a heavily pneumatic door-hinge. |
| December 7 | @GrahamTCousins | @iamchads @DavieLegend @decath10n I can’t believe the parents let their kids watch it for so long, It’s pretty grim. #KermitCumwad |
| December 7 | @TruthSandwich | Oh god, now they’re talking to some old biffer about how snow used to be colder in his day. |
| December 8 | @peter_watts | Shopping in St James’s. Nearly bought a shirt for £95. When I say ‘nearly’ I mean ‘was escorted out the premises for laughing hysterically’. |
| December 8 | @fowget | I am eating a New York Deli butty from the Wild Bean Cafe on the M6 Toll petrol station. It tastes of failure |
| December 8 | @TwopTwips | FRAME reggae ‘artist’ Shaggy for any crimes you commit, as his defence is quite flimsy. /via @DavieLegend |
| December 8 | @lukemackaycooks | Gay wizard left the pub. Disappeared with a poof. |
| December 8 | @TheDollSays | I was two when John Lennon died so don’t remember it. I do remember when Mel or Kim from Mel & Kim died though, which is basically the same. |
| December 8 | @jezmo8 | I think Nigel Slater is a knob. So? Shoot me. |
| December 8 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Vicks’s First Defence and a couple of saunas’ll put you right. In the meantime, I soothe thy ribs with my blonde tresses &c. |
| December 8 | @lucyinglis | My father posited that the bellum omnium contra omnes would be East against West. I posit it may well be the sane against The Apprentice. |
| December 8 | @GlennyRodge | Weathermen, you said it was gonna be 6 degrees tomorrow. You bunch of promise-breaking liars. What are you, Lib Dems? Ooh, bit of politics. |
| December 8 | @janeyha | RT @BeatlesTweets: On this sad anniversary let’s celebrate John Lennon’s life by passing around his likeness via twitter: ((ºjº)) |
| December 9 | @The1nbetweener | I’m not going to Sharm El Sheikh. Costs an arm and a leg. |
| December 9 | @PaulShakeySharp | In bad weather the Government have told us to always travel with a blanket, a shovel and a hazard light. It got me some looks on the bus tho |
| December 9 | @OctoberJones | Quick poll: How many guys wear fragrance to work? I don’t mean, like, Adidas aftershave. We’re talking ‘Er du Twallet’ |
| December 9 | @StarchildCoop | #407 I bloody love you! You have my favourite traits: Smart, Witty and a TOTAL clutz. |
| December 9 | @fowget | Do you know what the most interesting part of my day so far was? A little icon appeared on my taskbar and then vanished when I looked at it |
| December 9 | @fowget | @iamchads I wondered what Patrick Duffy was doing in Asda in Salford this afternoon |
| December 9 | @TheSemenOfSatan | Charles and Camilla’s car attacked in London. Neither were injured. Are you sure? Have you seen her fucking face? |
| December 9 | @TruthSandwich | I have been boozing with a group of people. They bored me. I probably bored them. Then I ate some chips. |
| December 10 | @TheJohnnyMc | @iamchads a what? Is that a peruvian dildo? |
| December 10 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads *this is an automated response, the tweeter you are trying to tweet has passed out on the sofa* |
| December 10 | @firmpear | I know I’m not exactly skinny. But being followed by a marquee supplier is a little harsh……. |
| December 10 | @schoolbully1 | Charles & Arkle, next time you borrow the Rolls, bring it back clean! Fucking German Parvenus. Tut tut. |
| December 10 | @JimHensonsMyDad | Mr C reckons the woman just on BBC breakfast does not belong there on a Friday. She’s an old dirty and NOT bbc. |
| December 10 | @lucyinglis | #ff @iamchads as he drifts through life on his own special raft made from lengths of nostalgia and barrels of ire, lashed together with wit. |
| December 10 | @TheDollSays | I always get Scientologists and Urologists mixed up. Which are the ones that specialise in bollocks? |
| December 10 | @lucyinglis | If you like or want soy milk then fair enough. Don’t talk to me about it though. Guaranteed it irritates me more than lactose irritates you. |
| December 10 | @TheDollSays | Placard at the injured student’s vigil: ‘Kettling Kills’. He’s not dead actually but way to comfort his mother, you moron. |
| December 10 | @TheDollSays | An artist has installed an undecorated pine tree in the Tate Modern. I’m going to install a dead geranium in a Post Office. Art is easy. |
| December 11 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads I answered the door to Jehovah’s Witnesses in my pants this morning. I guess they stole them from my washing line. |
| December 11 | @eugem | My husband just introduced me as HIS WIFE! What a fucking cock blocker! |
| December 11 | @GlennyRodge | Dear neighbour, Please turn off your alarm, or I’ll have to get dressed, come upstairs & stick it up your jacksy, and that’s too much effort |
| December 11 | @SouthLondonGirl | Would quite like @curlywurlyfi dinner for breakfast, five spice chilli pork with slaw (hold the parsnips). And kir sancerre. Like in Paris. |
| December 11 | @curlywurlyfi | @SouthLondonGirl I quite want a glass of dry Marsala for breakfast but I suspect that way lies The Priory. |
| December 11 | @TheDollSays | Prince William has highlighted the plight of the homeless by pointing at a homeless person. |
| December 11 | @GlennyRodge | It seems Snooker’s John Higgins might reclaim the World Number 1 spot this weekend. I wouldn’t bet against it – I can’t speak for him though |
| December 11 | @TheDollSays | If you want something to do while THAT programme is on, have a look around Derelict London. http://bit.ly/qKRJ4 |
| December 11 | @martindeeson | sitting on a train with two dead pheasants and a wood pigeon. standard. am I missing anything on telly? |
| December 11 | @TheCharmQuark | The Vatican looks like the place where they said “How ridiculous can we look? No, no, I want MORE than that. You’re just not trying!” |
| December 11 | @CuntyChopalops | @Fowget http://audioboo.fm/boos/235658-fowget |
| December 11 | @brainpicker | This Moleskine paper cutout stop-motion fills my heart with joy http://vimeo.com/17398038 |
| December 12 | @brainpicker | Related to last: Moleskine + Pac-Man, two of man’s greatest inventions, together at last http://is.gd/ihR7k |
| December 12 | @TheSleepyNinja | Tweeting slows my walking pace severely. I just got overtaken by a granny. I regained my lead when she fell down some icy stairs. Phew! |
| December 12 | @paddo2000 | Incredible shots from a mate in #London of brixton riots in 1981, never published b4.
http://www.kim-aldis.co.uk/dogdays/brixton-riots-1981/ |
| December 12 | @DavieLegend | Violins sound absolutely beautiful when played properly. When played incorrectly they sound like someone fingering a kitten. |
| December 12 | @meandmybigmouth | If you turn off your TV set then #xfactor can end right now. |
| December 12 | @StarchildCoop | My lil Sis is telling me how her Boyfriend has the cutest cat she’s ever seen. Cat still means cat, right? |
| December 12 | @iSwarb | Hello, Twitter! How you doing? Tell me EVERYTHING! *another bottle arrives* Ok bitches, you’re on your own. |
| December 13 | @TheDollSays | Colleague leaned in close and said ‘I’ve got a headache, have you?’ Well unless there’s a carbon monoxide leak from your face, no I don’t. |
| December 13 | @RogerQuimbly | RT @TheFagCasanova: Pub Toilet Graffiti of the Day: http://twitpic.com/3fk9am |
| December 13 | @StarchildCoop | @Fowget It was a chicken one. It’s practically fruit. |
| December 13 | @EatMyHalo | Twitter is 21st century cave paintings. Modern mankind’s stamp on the times as we view them.
Bumhole. Well done, modern mankind. |
| December 13 | @couchpotatoadam | Harald Gloockler on Living TV channel. What the buggery fuckdimwit shagfuckwittery cockermounterwank is this muffcuntery? |
| December 14 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads If a man wets himself, I don’t want him. Is that unfair? |
| December 14 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads When I took their tea in the following morning, they were speculating on supply and demand in the stolen tortoise business. |
| December 14 | @OctoberJones | I don’t see why Santa gets to judge me. I don’t judge him for the fact he spends Xmas Eve sneaking into kids’ bedrooms. |
| December 14 | @TheJohnnyMc | I am quite obviously not doing my work. I am away off out of it until I procrastinate further. #backin5 |
| December 14 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Our friend Joe died of leukemia, so when we can’t find something one of us says, ‘Ask Joe’, and the other shouts ‘JOE?’ @Fowget |
| December 14 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads My mother puts my father’s ashes in front of the wireless when there’s ‘important news’. @Fowget |
| December 14 | @TheSleepyNinja | New staff on the Asda Smokes Counter, she had awkward, unwanted and pointless conversations with every customer. We universally hated her. |
| December 15 | @TheDollSays | Now the Harrier Jump Jet has been retired. Soon our entire defence will consist of a sign pointing to France saying ‘They went that way’. |
| December 15 | @alansheppard | Ooh, Chris Moyles is doing a show from Guildford next week. I grew up there, maybe he will too. |
| December 15 | @Average_Batman | Just caught a lad shoplifting a joint of beef in Aldi. I shouted ‘What you doing with that?’,he said ‘Peas, carrots & potatoes’. Cheeky twat |
| December 15 | @TheDollSays | Just had a crisis involving a double-booked meeting room. Once again the PA training kicked in and I coped brilliantly by not giving a shit. |
| December 15 | @tortytweets | @TheDollSays We don’t have a meeting rm. I send them off to Green Park toilets with a bottle of water & some jaffa cakes to talk “business” |
| December 15 | @fulhammatty | @GrahamTCousins was it the Minister of Finance? |
| December 15 | @grazingbison | My sister turns into pure evil after two glasses of cheap Italian wine. I call her the Chiantichrist |
| December 15 | @fulhammatty | Ay bee see dee ee eff jee aitch eye jay kay ell emm enn owe pee kew are ess tee you vee double-you ecks why zed @this_rocks |
| December 15 | @EatMyHalo | I’ve invented a water that makes Christians believe it’ll please their lord if they drink it. Called it ‘Eau For The Love Of God’. |
| December 15 | @EatMyHalo | “OW! Dave Tittyfucking SMITH!! That really bastard hurt!” - Jesus banging his head. |
| December 16 | @lucyinglis | Just realised phone was ringing in pocket because left foot was vibrating. Either that or I’m picking up Radio Moscow again. |
| December 16 | @lucyinglis | For anyone whose taste runs to drunken scrubbers, the City is currently a fish-in-a-barrel type scenario. The yardarm means NOTHING here. |
| December 16 | @lucyinglis | Apparently there is such a thing as white Ferrero Rocher. There isn’t enough Pepto Bismol in all the world to make me feel better about it. |
| December 16 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads You fool. Stop being a MAC, tell her she looks gorgeous and pork her when she gets home. |
| December 16 | @TheDollSays | Oh the weather outside is frightful / And the fire is so delightful / Since we’ve no place to go / Fancy a fuck? |
| December 16 | @brentnhunter | You can’t hit a target you cannot see, and you cannot see a target you do not have. Zig Ziglar #TRB #quote #inspiration #success #peace |
| December 17 | @OctoberJones | Mark bought cakes. “I thought you’d prefer them to an Xmas card with a photo of my kids on” I’d prefer getting stabbed in the face to that. |
| December 17 | @RogerQuimbly | In the original version, ‘Little Fockers’ was to be about their neighbours, the Kants. |
| December 17 | @amateursuman | I’ve invented a new German exclamation – “Schneisse!” – meaning “Oh shit! It’s snowing!” |
| December 17 | @TheDollSays | DRINKING GAME: Everyone sits in a circle and drinks a bottle of gin, then someone leaves the room and the others have to guess who it was. |
| December 17 | @TheMightierEvo | The vet where I’m taking my dad’s dog to be neutered is in a cul de sac. Coincidence? |
| December 17 | @TheDollSays | This photo is such a fake. They’ve never even met in real life! The tabloids will do anything for a story. http://plixi.com/p/63485065 |
| December 17 | @RogerQuimbly | In the spirit of people who RT #FF lists with their name on them, I’m going to stick all of my Christmas cards to the front of my house. |
| December 17 | @iSwarb | #ff Twitter’s Denis Thatcher @TheSleepyNinja: “Not seen Freddy got Fingered, if it’s to do with Nightmare on Elm St, that’s going to sting” |
| December 17 | @TheConnArtist | I can never envisage watching “Never Say Never Again” ever again. But…never say never. |
| December 17 | @TeenyBella | Twitters telling me to follow Fearne Cotton. It must have missed that tweet I did about panning her with a brick then hoying her out to sea. |
| December 17 | @Krud | Excel: “You’ve entered too many arguments for this function.” <– This would be a good error message for my cousin at family get-togethers. |
| December 17 | @WH1SKS | Here is my 5 Golden Rules for Twitter.
http://bit.ly/gmiCbT |
| December 17 | @StarchildCoop | My name’s Jody and I’m a recovering biscuit addict. My last ‘hit’ was 3 minutes ago. |
| December 17 | @TheSleepyNinja | Coolest thing about the surgery. They used a “Bipolar Machine” it ran a live spark between two spikes and cauterised the bleeding. |
| December 17 | @GlennyRodge | At Christmas time, please spare a thought for the poor lickle childrens. Please DM, I mean RY, I mean RT, oh fuck it, they’ll be okay. |
| December 17 | @TheDollSays | Warm…mild…tepid…chilly…frozen…cold…cold..SNAP! I win. #coldsnap |
| December 17 | @RyanCHutchings | Tom Whatshistwat from Razorlight will probably say ‘Captain Beefheart was an inspiration to my middle-of-the-road-shite-indie-band.’ |
| December 17 | @EastressStar | @iamchads *crestfallen face,teary-eyed*You are a BAD man sometimes.*sniffs*All the drunk cat dancing I’ve done for you…Ballbaggery to you! |
| December 17 | @EastressStar | @iamchads *sulky pout,flicks the Vs* Depends Mr”I’m with the fackin Mental Health Specialists”,if I can be gold-plated arsed,dunnit?*miaows* |
| December 17 | @EastressStar | @iamchads Ok,I don’t buy this ‘happy shit’*pulls gun out of thigh-high boot,loads it*Whose feckin’ crack have stolen Pig-Bitch?Huh?*glares* |
| December 17 | @EastressStar | @iamchads WTF is that?A sideways snowman face?A bird’s eye view of a flattened penis in a fish bowl with no (cont) http://tl.gd/7i5dnr |
| December 17 | @EastressStar | @iamchads *surly face*Probs.The kids faaaaackin’ love it tho’ & I’m not banged up*flicks ash on a policeman*so watch me burn ‘em all daahn! |
| December 18 | @TheSleepyNinja | I have the skills to make a functional bed out of four swivel chairs. This is more useful than you realise. |
| December 18 | @TheDollSays | Warm…mild…tepid…chilly…frozen…cold…cold…SNAP! I win. #coldsnap |
| December 18 | @BECKintl | Holy reindeer! Today’s cartoonified #xmastweet is written by @Jesus_M_Christ. http://is.gd/iXhq7 #dailycartoon |
| December 18 | @OctoberJones | Again, if you’d like to see how boring it is to watch me draw, and also how many times I fuck up, watch this: http://twitvid.com/UYDJM |
| December 18 | @mattwhatsit | In golf a ‘Sally Gunnell’ is a topped shot that rolls for a surprising amount of time. “It ain’t pretty, but it’s a runner” #wipeout |
| December 18 | @fowget | I’ve gave the Wife a years notice. When I turn 40 I’m getting a flat cap |
| December 18 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads Perhaps right now he’s wearing a sequin cape and weeping with joy at the result*. *he’s definitely not |
| December 18 | @fraserspeirs | I always thought that “don’t ask don’t tell” was a gentleman’s agreement about that smell in the bathroom. |
| December 18 | @RichHL | @tartan_miss @iamchads I would hasten to add that Her Indoors and I are at it like knives all the time were that not utterly disrespectful. |
| December 18 | @shoutsatcows | @iamchads @supercracko I’m waiting until she’s drunker and therefore dirtier |
| December 18 | @nitsohara | Soon we are going to see the best signs in the world. ‘Down with this sort of thing’ ‘Careful Now’ #fatherted |
| December 18 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads You dirty bastards, you’ll be touching each other’s ankles next. Filth! |
| December 19 | @GlennyRodge | BREAKING TRAVEL NEWS: Anyone going to the Feast of Stephen today should be aware that the Snowlay Roundabout has been closed. |
| December 19 | @jezmo8 | Chelsea v Man Utd is boring so far, no goals or anything. |
| December 19 | @lucyinglis | Mr I is having a ‘telecon’ with the Mothership. He is speaking and she is speaking, and ne’er the twain shall meet. |
| December 20 | @RogerQuimbly | I’ve been panic buying. I now have 753 copies of today’s Daily Mail. |
| December 20 | @PaulShakeySharp | My life won’t be complete until the day I get to stand in the middle of a crowded room and shout “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!” |
| December 20 | @PaulShakeySharp | The most random part of my Sunday was getting snowed in at the supermarket and hearing a PA announcement calling for Peter Sellers. True. |
| December 20 | @RachelvsPublic | Ah. Innocent minds. Wish my Mam wouldn’t text “Come” as “Cum”, “Cnt” for “Can’t” or “Filching” for “See you later.” |
| December 20 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads The burning furniture part was just common sense. The unnecessary part was fashioning tea towels into loin cloths. |
| December 20 | @quantumbagel | More chaperoning today. Kid: “D’you wanna a play a game?” Me: “Are you mine?” Kid: “No.” Me: “Then why are we having this chat?” |
| December 20 | @TheSleepyNinja | People at work now moaning about the date I chose for the work do tomorrow night. “I gave you 2 mother-fucking months to give me a date!” |
| December 20 | @brainpicker | MUJI + LEGO = win http://is.gd/j52Xj (@blprnt, don’t look!) |
| December 20 | @brainpicker | If you missed it ☞ ABC NYC celebrates the alphabet’s visual diversity through vintage typography from the streets of NYC http://is.gd/j4UZ2 |
| December 20 | @nitsohara | Englishers. You think your #apprentice lot are gobshites. Get. A. Load. Of. This. http://youtu.be/tmwR-9MhR3c |
| December 21 | @PaulShakeySharp | The big question SETI asks is are we alone? Speaking for myself, yes I am. |
| December 21 | @quantumbagel | @Chilma It’s like giving birth: much joy, smugness and relief, then you realise you dropped the baby when you fist-bumped. |
| December 21 | @sharonGOONer | Somebody on facebook has started a partition. It’s the fought that counts. |
| December 21 | @TheDollSays | It’s easy to fake a knowledge of wine. Stick to words like ‘cheeky’ and ‘full-bodied’ and avoid the phrase ‘foot-fucked by a Frenchman’. |
| December 21 | @grazingbison | The best spelling mistake I’ve seen tonight has got to be “sen’t”. What a cun’t |
| December 21 | @shiraselko | There’s no problem so small that I can’t make more expensive. |
| December 21 | @dazzw | @DarkBeige Apparently the funniest joke of last year was Tim Vine: “Just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Never again.” |
| December 21 | @brainpicker | How to draw caricatures http://is.gd/jbkGG |
| December 21 | @vivmondo | @TheDollSays Ah shit, my runes got hacked. If you get a sheet of vellum promising to ‘Maketh your staffe growe meatyer’ it’s not from me. |
| December 22 | @quantumbagel | Hubby’s birthday is on CHRIStmas Day. Guess what his name is. (Clue: it’s not Noel, or Jesus.) |
| December 22 | @TheDollSays | @liz_buckley They are a culinary abomination pedalled by Caroline ‘I’ll do it’ Quentin. |
| December 22 | @PaulShakeySharp | If I told you that I can never remember if I’ve seen the Denzel Washington film Déjà Vu or not,you would say I’m making it up,but it’s true. |
| December 22 | @fowget | If you don’t get that joke it’s because you are uncultured and thick. Or because it was shit |
| December 22 | @fowget | @Coupey Like this? http://yfrog.com/h6w7yqj |
| December 22 | @brainpicker | Heh. 10 iconic buildings recreated in gingerbread http://is.gd/jeGZd |
| December 22 | @GrahamTCousins | What does ‘Dirt Box’ mean? I just received a strange text message. Is it about bottoms? |
| December 23 | @PaulShakeySharp | Photo: it wasn’t me, I swear. http://twitpic.com/3ikqw0 |
| December 23 | @PaulShakeySharp | If I was single and lonely at Christmas, I would be fucking hating twitter right now. You thoughtless cunts. |
| December 23 | @PaulShakeySharp | The animals in the stable weren’t adoring the baby Jesus in the manger. They were wondering why there was a baby in their food. |
| December 23 | @PaulShakeySharp | I just gave the dial on my give-a-shit-o-meter a flick but it’s stuck on zero. Whatever. |
| December 23 | @TeenyBella | I’ve had the wrong number for @Jezzebela for two months, hence some total random will have texts from me at 2am telling them I love them. |
| December 23 | @lucyinglis | @_iamjules Complete skank. My inner lemon agrees as well. Ick and in fact, ew. |
| December 23 | @_iamjules | @lucyinglis It’s because we have good taste. I couldn’t lezz off with someone who scored positively on the skank-o-meter. |
| December 23 | @lucyinglis | @_iamjules Because men are daft enough to believe skank=loves it. When in reality I suspect she is colder than a witch’s tit. |
| December 23 | @quantumbagel | I wonder if Santa is ever tempted to pick up an axe and re-enact The Shining for the kids who’ve been really bad. |
| December 23 | @TheDollSays | At my parents. I am doing the ironing and have been told it’s ‘too early’ for a beer. Tiny Tim can fuck off; I know about festive hardship. |
| December 23 | @TheDollSays | After this I have to go round and sprinkle festive smelling oil on all the pot pourri to ‘refresh’ it. I didn’t even know that was a thing. |
| December 23 | @lucyinglis | @EatMyHalo Hushly. Thou art the black tulip in the bed, only visible to those gifted with an eye to the rare. @iamchads @_iamjules |
| December 23 | @_iamjules | @lucyinglis Lena Heady in 300.Tell me quickly, what score on the lemon-o-meter? I’d do her. Low skank factor. Looks as if she could be bendy |
| December 24 | @The_Queen_G | Ah, Xmas… when thinking about killing everyone changes to actually drawing up detailed plans to kill everyone. |
| December 24 | @Quaristice | Don’t know who did R4′s Thought For The Day this morning, but I’ve got this sudden urge to build a Death Star and destroy the Rebellion. |
| December 24 | @TheDollSays | Staying on the sofa bed in my parent’s lounge. I’m not saying their Christmas tree is too big, but I woke up tea-bagging a bauble. |
| December 24 | @lucyinglis | @_iamjules Definitely. Top lemon lay I reckon. |
| December 24 | @EastressStar | omg cant blieve its xmas Eve xcited haha lol! lookin forwar to seein gurlies & getn pissd! You can’t top the drunk & thick combo,can you? |
| December 24 | @TheDollSays | @Fowget @tortytweets Well when a man and a woman love each other very much, she might let him dangle his balls in her mouth. *dies a bit* |
| December 24 | @StarchildCoop | Some git has eaten my cereal bar. It’ll be a Crisp breakfast for me today. Something Merry Crispmas blah blah. |
| December 24 | @numptymullet | @iamchads call the RAC tell them you have locked the keys in the car. Let them do the work and you just stand at the door. Simples |
| December 24 | @IrateofOxted | I have just laid a Vince; I am now 4 lbs lighter. |
| December 24 | @quantumbagel | Hubby will NEVER get that noisette out, even using the stick end of the mistletoe. |
| December 24 | @StarchildCoop | My Sister is listening to Turkish pop. My head may go pop. I’ve said POP lots there. Oops I did it again. Oops there’s a pop song there. |
| December 24 | @EastressStar | Mum: ‘David,I do hope you’re going to cover up your legs tomorrow…I don’t want anyone mistaking them for the dead bird.’ She <3 my Dad x |
| December 25 | @martindeeson | Christmas Cocktail: Take two tramadol, add 1 diclofenac, then mix a large brandy and a single port. Mix in a glass and serve witha cigarette |
| December 25 | @Mr_Neurosceptic | Goodnight Twitter. Remember a puppy isn’t just for Christmas, you can tie it in a sack and throw it into a canal if it annoys you too much. |
| December 25 | @Krud | ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, unless you count dust mites or virii as creatures. |
| December 25 | @stetienness | @iamchads & |
| December 25 | @SimonBishop | If I get another copy of “Grumpiness for Dummies” this year, I’ll be well pissed off. |
| December 25 | @TheDollSays | First task on Xmas Day; pack away the sofa bed without losing any fingers or getting a spring-loaded bolt through the temple. It’s a skill. |
| December 25 | @lucyinglis | Mr I in’t mucky pub with the keeper and the ratman. About to introduce animal to oven. A little bubbles, a little iTunes. All win. |
| December 25 | @ElliottClarkson | I sent my friend Colin a generic ‘Merry Christmas! x’ message. He wanted more. He got it. http://twitpic.com/3jiiyp |
| December 25 | @lucyinglis | Phone calls from friends who already have the raving needle with their entire family. ‘Oh that’s terrible…’ *falls off chair laughing* |
| December 25 | @lucyinglis | Washing up to Puccini. Ladies of A Room With A View vintage will know exactly what I mean. |
| December 25 | @TeenyBella | Sis: name a famous Paul.
Papa I: Pol Pot. |
| December 25 | @Mr_Neurosceptic | Tyrone – he looks like a cross between Joey Deacon and a potato covered in Pritt Stik which has been kicked into a crow’s nest #Corrie |
| December 25 | @GlennyRodge | A girl’s just come to my door with Italian fruit cake. Ooh, Genoa? Yeah, she lives in the flat upstairs. #sigh |
| December 25 | @Squibby_ | You really have to be from a council / working class background to get The Royle Family fully. As such, I fucking love it. |
| December 25 | @Debtriloquist | My dad is watching Spiderman. My mum is texting friends in the kitchen. I am on Twitter. Somewhere, far away, a little Scrabble fairy dies. |
| December 25 | @SgtAngua_CW | Sometimes I fantasise about sneaking into my neighbours house with a screwdriver while they’re out & removing all their doors. |
| December 25 | @TheSleepyNinja | I think I am in love with the brain of @TheDollSays Mum. She has just suggest that perhaps I may have an Altzheimers Foam mattress. |
| December 25 | @kirisu_kun | Trying not to cunt it as I walk home. |
| December 26 | @Revmoon | Tomorrow I will be playing Wii and eating lots of cheese, for I have 8 different cheeses. My fridge smells like Bob Geldof’s bellend |
| December 26 | @MrWordsWorth | All I wanted for Christmas was two Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem tickets. |
| December 26 | @MrFornicator | Sound travels through water about 4 times faster than air… so the quickest way to get your point across to someone is to drown them. |
| December 26 | @fowget | You know the magic has gone when as you enter the bedroom the first words the Wife says to you are “whatever you do, don’t sniff up” |
| December 26 | @shinytuppence | in 2011 I intend to have alot more sex. 2010 has been barren. there were times when I thought my virginity had returned. |
| December 26 | @lucyinglis | I am in bed, sober and watching ‘Love, Actually’. Death where is thy sting? |
| December 26 | @lucyinglis | I see James May has been taking lessons at the Marco Pierre White School of Advertising: JUST TAKE THE CHEQUE. |
| December 26 | @lucyinglis | Still sober. Still watching ‘Love, Actually’. *gives self Chinese Burn with old school tie and spare knicker elastic* |
| December 26 | @lucyinglis | @essiefox Yay! Isn’t it just fantastic? |
| December 27 | @EastressStar | @_iamjules @iamchads I am delirious with exhaustion but I can’t give in because then I’ll be beaten by children in the #staminawar |
| December 27 | @_iamjules | @JimBobbers Eyethangyew *bows* I watched MILK tonight. That was spacechimps too. I waste my life with these rotten DVD’s |
| December 27 | @StarchildCoop | I’ve never seen as many birds as I did this morning. It was scary. It was like a scene from that film about birds. What was it called? |
| December 27 | @lucyinglis | Chelsea Bear pays close attention to the #ashes highlights. http://twitpic.com/3k64hr |
| December 27 | @lucyinglis | Step-father: ‘What an idiot. He calls himself an antiques dealer but everyone knows he’s just an arsehole in knick-knacks.’ |
| December 27 | @barsteward | Happy days; @CloneNo2 hit a high score with a temperature of 40.3°C, @CloneNo1 is now off his food & the dog has just been sick. |
| December 27 | @lucyinglis | Step-father: ‘Their idea of Chablis is vile acidic urine aka..mare’s piss. I shall stay at home and drink fine wines in solitude. So there.’ |
| December 27 | @Fanny_McTwanny | Some people give “Greatest Mum” mugs as pressies. I gave her this @jimjefferies mug thanks to @fatalan http://plixi.com/p/65966671 |
| December 27 | @fowget | Elderly Grandparents and 6 year old children ask exactly the same questions when you set up a new telly for them. I don’t want to get old |
| December 28 | @StuartBroad8 | Love the old school wool cricket jumpers. Want to see England and Notts bring them back! I know @Swannyg66 will agree. |
| December 28 | @newscientist | The Looking Glass Club: Solve this sci-fi thriller and win £1 million http://bit.ly/hE2be4 |
| December 28 | @neillockwood | I’m not saying times are hard but if I have to tighten my belt any more my intestines will fall out my bottom. |
| December 28 | @neillockwood | But, seriously, dude – why wouldn’t this work?! (pic) http://bit.ly/gtZM7b |
| December 28 | @RogerQuimbly | These days my favourite comedian is Peter Serrafanowits … Seffaranowiks … Serrafanowix ..? Sellers. Peter Sellers. |
| December 28 | @quantumbagel | Hello new followers, do drop by. I’m quite interactive – gripping hands, moving eyes, EVERYTHING. |
| December 28 | @ToastMaster | Alanis Morrisette had a baby on Xmas day? How IRONIC! Like a kettle of spoons when u need a free ride! Or rain on a Tuesday! Sandwiches! |
| December 28 | @homosoup | RT @BearGrylls: “The danger is not that our aim is too high & we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.” -Michelangelo. Smart man! |
| December 29 | @The1nbetweener | Yeah fuck you Austria. |
| December 29 | @nitsohara | Sick as a plane to Lourdes. The only consolation is that I’m seeing @Eamonn_Forde tomorrow so will be able to give him the lurgy too. |
| December 29 | @sickoditto | “Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?” Well, to be fair Karen, you did keep throwing your food away. |
| December 29 | @peter_watts | If Chelsea win they go FOURTH. The ennui this stimulates offers a brief and horrifying glimpse of what it must be like supporting Spurs. |
| December 29 | @shinytuppence | I’ve just eaten a gunt inducing amount of cheese and humous |
| December 29 | @GlennyRodge | Also on Match Of The Day, they reckon Liverpool are gonna have a huge clear out in January. I had one tonight & can definitely recommend it. |
| December 29 | @Revmoon | Yeah, well, everyone in Edenbridge is a frinky dink, and I know that for a fact. |
| December 30 | @quantumbagel | @greatbigbadger I’m tucking my cable-knit sweater into my high-waisted jeans just thinking about it. |
| December 30 | @quantumbagel | I hate party food. You’re better off just licking the brown section of a Dulux colour chart. |
| December 30 | @quantumbagel | ‘Five Ways to Wear Your Sparkly Shoes’. In The Times. *sets flag to half-mast* |
| December 30 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads I finally resolved my rattling car by stabbing my own ear-drums. |
| December 30 | @fowget | A girl on the tube this morning had an eye so lazy I’m surprised it wasn’t still on her sofa watching Jeremy Kyle and eating Coco Pops. |
| December 30 | @fowget | @iamchads You mean like this http://yfrog.com/h8fztwj |
| December 30 | @jacques_aih | On a scale of one to ten, 9:59am would be top. |
| December 30 | @lucyinglis | @Fowget A bit. Mr I once corrected her on the pronunciation of ‘waft’ and she said, ‘F*ck off, you show me the “o” in WAFT’. It stuck. |
| December 30 | @Handgrenade13 | FAO Shankill Rd residents – Good News: Lorry with thousands of bottles of water is on its way to you. Bad News: It’s coming from Lourdes |
| December 31 | @SisterWhitloe | Not sure why but we’re getting a visit from German nun and Mensa member Sister Giselberta, or as we like to call her “Nun de Wiser”. |
| December 31 | @StarchildCoop | I’ve barely left the house over the last 4 days. I decided I need to get active. I have put on a sports bra. I already feel fitter. |
| December 31 | @jacques_aih | A tabloid and a lads mag have combined to write the definitive history of glamour modelling. It’s called “The Sun/Zoo’s Art of Phwoar”. |
| December 31 | @_JohnnyMac_ | In a restaurant. Mum keeps telling me her veg is nice. My snap reaction of “Fucking eat it then” hasn’t gone down too well. |
| December 31 | @ElliottClarkson | @BECKintl Ein glückliches neues Jahr! |
| December 31 | @TheDollSays | #ff @iamchads Grumpy and sarcastic but also bloody lovely and hilarious. Fabby in the extreme. |
| December 31 | @TheSleepyNinja | I think I might pursue a career as a web designer in 2011. I just need to find some crap spiders as customers. |
A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 5
Approximately 4800 words of brilliance that kicked off 2011.
Pleasant trees anyone?
| January 1 | @BECKintl | Turns out champagne isn’t that bad drink. Happy New York! |
| January 1 | @CoffeeHooker | In conclusion to stop me having the cunting cat legally put down & stuffed & added as a permanent fixture to the shelf, I’m going for a walk |
| January 1 | @neillockwood | Just turned over a new leaf, the underside is exactly the same as the old leaf so I turned it back over and quietly walked away. |
| January 1 | @fowget | As you recover from your NYE hangover you can read my themed blog update from yesterday http://fowget.wordpress.com/ |
| January 1 | @EdTackas | For once on New Years Day I am not hanging out my arse whispering ‘Lord, please don’t hurt me now’ |
| January 1 | @_iamjules | @iamchads Happy New Year btw Chadders. I wanted to say thanks to you too. For last year. I’ve only been using (cont) http://tl.gd/7rp9ha |
| January 1 | @Mr_Neurosceptic | Happy new year you bunch of umbilicals, here we are in 2011. Let’s hope this year doesn’t turn out to be a pile of old forklifts. |
| January 1 | @_iamjules | @iamchads Actually Chadders I’ve been thinking about this. You make a lot of newbies feel welcome, you always (cont) http://tl.gd/7rpdtl |
| January 1 | @DarkBeige | @helencairns no, strange atmosphere. Bride had no friends, and groom’s friends all secretly dislike her. We had to pay £20 a head for booze |
| January 1 | @_iamjules | Hello.I thought you’d like to see what I’m doing to celebrate New Year.U want me doncha?Well tough! I’m spoken for http://yfrog.com/h3idtgyj |
| January 1 | @TruthSandwich | I’ve sent down some grappa to investigate why that red wine is making me feel worse. The public demands answers. |
| January 1 | @TruthSandwich | The oversized ladies clothes sale was a complete circus. I’ve never seen so many big tops. |
| January 2 | @neillockwood | This is what my car sounds like. http://bit.ly/eC9Q5T |
| January 2 | @GrahamTCousins | I didn’t make any new years resolutions this year. *finishes bacon sandwich* *sparks up a tab* *locates corkscrew* |
| January 2 | @Harrythebanker | Lady nurse was just round to visit pregnant wife. Surprisingly she was driving a Porsche! I assume she’s going through a ‘mid-wife crisis’. |
| January 2 | @mrS0CK | Ham, egg and chips. Win for 2011! All locally sourced too. Tesco, 2.5 miles away. Sustainable as well, they’ve got LOADS. |
| January 2 | @TruthSandwich | I see bird flu is in the headlines again. I’m not bothered, I’m a bloke. |
| January 2 | @emvetica | They say behind every fat girl is a more beautiful one. It would be nice if the fat one got out of the way so we could see her though. |
| January 2 | @lucyinglis | Can you IMAGINE going on holiday with Jamie Redknapp? You’d get better chat out of your suitcase waiting to check in. |
| January 2 | @stetienness | @iamchads I’ve shaved pigs. I’m not right since neither. |
| January 2 | @brainpicker | For fellow language geeks, 10 noteworthy language stories from 2010 http://is.gd/jYA7G |
| January 2 | @BECKintl | I counted the stuff I only need in the bathroom. Turns out the idea of The 100 Thing Challenge is shite. http://cl.ly/3qBu |
| January 2 | @decath10n | @BECKintl me=my obviously. I can’t be both Rastafarian and consumerist. |
| January 2 | @fowget | @therealpostie @iamchads She said “let’s go to the bargain corner it’s great”. We got there and there was just dog shit & a broken Barbie |
| January 2 | @grazingbison | I am a nonja |
| January 2 | @grazingbison | Here is a ninja’s twitter username – @ |
| January 3 | @TheMightierEvo | Lifes true love moments #38. Pouring endless buckets of water down the bog to dislodge the wife’s 2×4 staring straight back at you. |
| January 3 | @EastressStar | @iamchads Who knows with me, eh, Chads?WHOOO KNOWS?!? I’ve been called a ‘very intelligent, knowledgable fucking idiot’ before… *shrugs* |
| January 3 | @princesspip | Decorations packed neatly into a box ready for next year, by that i mean thrown in a tangled/damaged mess into a box. Fucking things. |
| January 3 | @TheCharmQuark | “When he yawns, it sounds like Liam Neeson chasing a load of hens around a barrel. And he doesn’t have any eyebrows. Except on Saturdays.” |
| January 3 | @lucyinglis | Improvised a spicy lentil and garlic soup for lunch to combat Mr I’s cold. He has named it ‘Exit Strategy’. Charming. |
| January 3 | @_iamjules | @shinytuppence Marion Cotillard is in my top 3 for lemon purposes |
| January 3 | @LittleHarmonica | The way to a woman’s heart is through laughter…unless you’re in hurry, in which case use the back door. |
| January 4 | @sharonGOONer | @_iamjules FUCK OFF YOU ARE MY LESBIAN, SILLY! |
| January 4 | @tizforever | BBC NEWS: French Chef commits suicide after critics attack. After further investigation, it turns out he simply lost the huile d’olive. |
| January 4 | @fowget | @iamchads Manchester my arse, this is what you want http://www.mykp.co.uk/my-thoughts/learn-lancastrian-accent/ |
| January 4 | @TheSleepyNinja | I was going to buy the original Holy Grail yesterday for £117.50 but as it costs £120 today I can’t afford it. |
| January 4 | @jacques_aih | I’m only eating food I bought before today. ie. I’m on a low-VAT diet. #killmetodeath |
| January 4 | @BECKintl | Today’s daily cartoon goes about a question which some of us have to stand today. @iamchads has it written. http://t.co/91CkO03 |
| January 4 | @PaulyPeligroso | “I think I’m going to delete my Twitter account…” = “BEG ME TO STAY!” |
| January 4 | @RachelvsPublic | BBC News “It looks like a river” talking about the floods in Australia. Someone give her some crayons. |
| January 4 | @room_319 | This big bitch needs to stop adding cutesy s sounds to all her words. Talking like that don’t change the fact ur a buck 90 and beastly. |
| January 4 | @EastressStar | @iamchads *innocent face* What exactly d’you think you’re going to accidentally liquidise, Chads? *juggles plums & a banana,whistles* Well? |
| January 4 | @eops | Just noticed my soundcloud has SIX HUNDRED AND ONE followers!
*Totally amazed/stoked* www.soundcloud.com/eops |
| January 4 | @OctoberJones | Bluetooth Businessman: “Listen John, I’m a dildo. We have to implement an OutOfTheBox BlueSky business model. I am a massive fucking dildo” |
| January 4 | @brainpicker | Four Color Process – a treasure trove of gorgeous magnified details from vintage comic book pages http://is.gd/k6sOG |
| January 4 | @SyzygySweetie | Got this report from my Stepmum as soon as I stepped in the door. I was practically raised on the terraces of The Shed, is that not ENOUGH? |
| January 4 | @lucyinglis | The Good, the Bad and The If I Have To #lessambitiousfilms |
| January 5 | @decath10n | @iamchads I just screwed up my face and blew all over my screen. Wait, that also accurately describes something else… |
| January 5 | @daveknockles | A new girl has started in accounts. What is the etiquette RE: asking her if she wants one up the clacker? Wait ’til after lunch, right? |
| January 5 | @PaulShakeySharp | Post Christmas gloom. One of many reasons I’m glad I drive a truck and not working in an office with ‘people’. |
| January 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | @Fowget @iamchads supercharger vs turbocharger. Suprcharger is belt or chain driven from the engine (constant power) continued.. |
| January 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | @Fowget @iamchads turbocharger uses the exhaust gases to spin the impeller. Both are forms of forced induction. |
| January 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | @Fowget @iamchads turbocharger can suffer from ‘lag’ as the pressure of exhaust gases build up. |
| January 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | @Fowget @iamchads where as the supercharger can in fact rob power if the engine is not powerful enough to spin it initially (inertia) |
| January 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | @Fowget @iamchads Turbo = extreme spikes of power. Supercharger = overall increase of power. |
| January 5 | @fowget | I find myself butting into conversations at work to throw a joke in. It appears that I have become that cunt at work |
| January 5 | @lucyinglis | @Fowget No, but I have a mental image of white van driving Star readers and beleaguered second generation Asians. @iamchads |
| January 5 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads No one from there gets a GCSE, so it’d be a bit pointless. It’s potato country in every sense. @Fowget |
| January 5 | @RogerQuimbly | If I knew what it meant, I could be an idiot savant. |
| January 5 | @lucyinglis | Today I had lunch with Baby, who is having a baby any time now. Like a tv within a tv. She didn’t a) sit in a corner b) have the baby. |
| January 5 | @alisonkbirch | Dear BBC: Kate Middleton can go to her wedding on Bernie Clifton’s ostrich, for all I care. Please STFU. |
| January 7 | @JTLovell1979 | It’s not a foregone conclusion that Australia will win this, y’know. |
| January 7 | @nicforsyth | New years resolution. Stop correcting people I don’t/hardly know on their grammar. Oh and people in the street/in shops. |
| January 7 | @wobblyvirtue | I dreamt that someone playing monopoly on an iPhone was staring at me in the wee hours in an ethereal glow. Scary. @_iamjules @Moody_Loner |
| January 7 | @TruthSandwich | Your mother and I have something to tell you. It’s not easy… but we’ve decided to see other children. You’re just not performing. Sorry. |
| January 7 | @TruthSandwich | I’ll tell you what’ll put a spring in your step. A spring. |
| January 7 | @TruthSandwich | Stuart Baggs just got retweeted into my timeline. Looks like I picked the wrong day to give up looking at wankers. |
| January 7 | @jacques_aih | “Rubbish at reading and writing” = illiteration |
| January 7 | @GlennyRodge | When French people talk, do they say “pardon my French” at the end of each sentence? |
| January 7 | @StarchildCoop | I feel spooked. I am sleeping with a weapon. I of course mean hairspray. I am prepared to style someone to death, should I have to. |
| January 8 | @blindfumble | I’ve just been sent a joke and the punchline is ‘no, he’s got shit on his dick too’… it was sent to me by my 68 year old mother. Proudface |
| January 8 | @TheDollSays | @iamchads Ha! ‘My favourite time to eat this refreshing salad is after a sauna with my friend, Juan.’ |
| January 8 | @almacdSE1 | Dear iPhone. I appreciate help with my spelling but you have crossed the line. Frankly, you can to go to he’ll. |
| January 8 | @RogerQuimbly | Pen. Paper. Envelope. Stamp. Four letter words. |
| January 9 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads My mother is an advocate of the cheap toaster. Every trip home I give it the stinkeye and she notices, and sniffs. |
| January 9 | @GlennyRodge | Look, he’s a publicity seeking twat but there’s no point in getting irate, just block him – said Kenneth Tong, as he unfollowed Piers Morgan |
| January 9 | @StarchildCoop | A guy just said “Good morning”to me. I love living in the country. To be fair, I did pin him down and slap him until he said it. Still nice! |
| January 9 | @GlennyRodge | I’ve not seen the stats on this, but I reckon someone with a gun is significantly more likely to shoot someone than someone without a gun. |
| January 9 | @OctoberJones | Got to go. Remember, celebrity baiting on Twitter is NOT cool. You know who told be that? @50cent, as he fucked me up the arse. Peace out. |
| January 9 | @back_of_the_net | Tyldesley – “In Liverpool football is a religion”. To prove the point Liverpool fans sit quietly and believe in something fairly improbable. |
| January 9 | @OctoberJones | Primary School 1991: “I’m not really into football” I said…. “I’m a MASSIVE gaybo” they heard. |
| January 9 | @Twistedlilkitty | @OctoberJones Because the least gay you can get is intently watching men run around in shorts for 90 minutes. |
| January 9 | @fowget | The Wife has told me I’m a grumpy cunt so I have decided to walk round with this expression. That’ll teach her http://yfrog.com/h2ikfuj |
| January 9 | @1orchardroad | When I go through Next directory I shout names out of people I know as I predict their next season wardrobe. |
| January 9 | @TonyCowards | What time is kick off at Stamford Bridge? About every 10 minutes. #ITFC |
| January 9 | @jacques_aih | So I said “We need to work together to source a positive solution going forward”. To which she replied “Pay up or get off the fucking bus” |
| January 9 | @RedEaredRabbit | If like me you want but can’t afford Photoshop then I strongly recommend GIMP. It’s free and it’s bloody brilliant. |
| January 9 | @An_Irish_Brit | Okay people, TIME’S UP, you’ve been on twitter long enough. The internet’s been updated with new porn now. |
| January 9 | @christianduguay | Your motorcycle isn’t loud enough unless pedestrians are shitting their teeth out onto the pavement. |
| January 9 | @jackja | @SimonNRicketts We should get some goats involved. Then they could be The Goats Who Stare at The Men Who Stare At The Men Who Stare at Goats |
| January 9 | @williamstafford | “If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall” – Rudyard Kipling (or somebody) |
| January 10 | @TheDollSays | Colleague asked me what I thought of her new boots. I thought, ‘It looks like you’re standing in two dead raccoons.’ I said, ‘Ooh, lovely.’ |
| January 10 | @GlennyRodge | Little old lady in front of me just broke wind & said “factory’s letting out early today”. Couldn’t stop laughing. |
| January 10 | @StarchildCoop | Some days my glasses make me feel drunk. Especially when I fill them up with wine. |
| January 10 | @TheConnArtist | An attractive person holding an Apple phone is iCandy. |
| January 10 | @BertFlange | Going for a curry tonight with one-lung Ray. Unfortunately Dolly’s coming too. Dolly looks like Joe Bugner in a frock & fancies me. |
| January 11 | @TruthSandwich | It’s so mild today one of my testicles has made a cautious descent back into the world. “It’s a trick, you fool,” I bark. “Get back up!” |
| January 11 | @TruthSandwich | I’m playing British Roulette. Like Russian Roulette but you flip a coin to randomly decide whether or not to carry an umbrella that day. |
| January 11 | @EatMyHalo | I’m now following Lorraine Pascale. Currently resisting urge to ‘do a Cusack’, don’t want to ruin things before they’ve even started. |
| January 11 | @jacques_aih | The most right-wing band around are “Arbeit McFly”. |
| January 11 | @spazdiv | *slops make-up on the desk then smashes her face into it ”Look ma! I’m Kerry Katona!” |
| January 11 | @KyeLani | Jason Bourne and Evelyn Salt should breed. |
| January 11 | @dumbwitness | If you buy fags or booze at the co-op, they have to guess your age and enter it on their POS terminal. |
| January 11 | @fulhammatty | Bonsoir Twitter, J’etait au pub, pendant la soiree. Et maintenant, j’attends le train vers chez moi. J’espere que vous etes toutes bonne, x |
| January 12 | @sgrocks83 | (W.Mid accent)”How did it go?” “Good, just need to get a potato clock.” “Eh?” “He said I’ve got the job, so long as can get a potato clock” |
| January 12 | @curlywurlyfi | @lucyinglis Midnight Secret is genuinely a miracle potion. But expensive like unicorn tears. |
| January 12 | @grazingbison | The person who’s sole job it is is to write “FILES” on some paper, has written “FLIES” instead. He’s almost poetically stupid. |
| January 12 | @RogerQuimbly | This small, flat-bottomed china bowl with a handle, containing a beverage made from ground and roasted beans really isn’t my cup of tea. |
| January 12 | @RogerQuimbly | Sanguine vampires have excellent esprit de corpuscle. |
| January 12 | @peter_watts | Pretty accurate Chelsea cartoon from Private Eye. #cfc http://twitpic.com/3pclvi |
| January 12 | @neillockwood | If every person on the planet jumped up at the same time that would be a hell of a lot of wobbling breasts. *muse* |
| January 12 | @blindfumble | Colleague has just asked me to get her a Marathon from the vending machine.
Anyone Got a spare flux capacitor and shaky midget? |
| January 12 | @TheJohnnyMc | In an effort to gain more followers I shall be promoting biggerexia. Don’t eat that celery! you’re disgusting! Go for the McDonalds #win |
| January 12 | @BinaryDad | As far as great smells go, I reckon a newborn baby, covered in Magic Marker scribbles, would hit ALL the right notes. |
| January 12 | @TheSleepyNinja | I have watched too many episodes of The Sopranos. Newspaper falls out of my letter-box at 11.30pm and I think I am about to get whacked. |
| January 12 | @martindeeson | fuck me @peaches_g is the new Baudrillard |
| January 13 | @CalvinJohns | My mum used to like Elton John. I put a one-off podcast with him on earlier. Her language was like a trucker in a bear-trap. Unstoppable. |
| January 13 | @yoyoha | Twitter kind of feels like a time capsule for our children’s shame. |
| January 13 | @Brat13 | Internet 2010 in numbers http://j.mp/f56SZr <– Interesting stats! |
| January 13 | @sharonGOONer | Woman in Boots said ‘Oh I am a twat. It’s too fucking early for this’. I told her I would like to work with her. |
| January 13 | @lucyinglis | Stuart Broad has just asked Twitter to ‘be good touch wood’ on his behalf. Yes pl- *Inglis garret rings to unladylike Sid James laughter* |
| January 13 | @ncguk | Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day; call a man a shitsock and he’ll punch you in the tits. |
| January 13 | @neillockwood | Just had a pop up on screen for a funeral company – nearly give me a heart attack. …………Ah, clever! |
| January 13 | @BECKintl | Today’s daily cartoon is based on a tweet by @douggpound. http://t.co/rnzFBP7 Warning: contains graphical content. |
| January 13 | @jacques_aih | Just seen Emile Heskey pining for the woman who looks after his kids. You’d think he’d be used to missing a sitter. |
| January 13 | @brainpicker | Charles & Ray Eames’ iconic Powers of Ten, in a flipbook http://j.mp/etBktw |
| January 13 | @MrsCupidStunt | Doors to manual… |
| January 13 | @PaulShakeySharp | The Commodores! That’s it. They sang Easy and Nightshift. I was trying to remember them. Now why was I trying to remember them? Fuck… |
| January 13 | @blindfumble | Not feeling it tonight. Sleep well twitter. I’ll leave you with the angel MJ, sweet dreams xx http://yfrog.com/hsfywqbj |
| January 14 | @mattwhatsit | I’m going to spend the entire day responding to every request with “we’ll see” and a wry, punch-me-in-the-face smile. |
| January 14 | @TheSleepyNinja | My mechanic has a puppy called spanner. If he had been a gynaecologist would the puppy have been called speculum? |
| January 14 | @lucyinglis | Telephone rings. Stepfather: ‘I forgot the garlic…….good morning, good afternoon, good whatever. I forgot it. There we are. Goodbye.’ |
| January 14 | @TheSleepyNinja | Lower than a cheap shot by an olympic limbo dancer http://plixi.com/p/69892948 |
| January 14 | @TheDollSays | RT @OctoberJones: iPhone battery died earlier. What a fucking drama queen. http://twitpic.com/3q0dzz |
| January 14 | @EastressStar | #ff @iamchads & @fowget – it’s like a darker,swearier,more dour version of The Likely Lads & <insert double act here>or some shit like that. |
| January 15 | @thekieran | Lol someone just tried to use the painting/painter analogy to convince me of god… |
| January 15 | @iSwarb | A couple of lesbians are making out next to me at the bar. I’m not going to lie to you, Twitter; this is fucking awesome. |
| January 15 | @jezmo8 | Cuntinue should be a real word. |
| January 15 | @andretorp | This autocorrect function on my iphone is a̶ ̶c̶u̶n̶t̶ brilliant |
| January 15 | @lucyinglis | @curlywurlyfi !! S: Don’t eat that, it’s my honey from Firenze. Me: It’s out of date. S: Almost Queen Anne. I just like to know it’s there. |
| January 15 | @GlennyRodge | So, the Flintstones are to perform their Swedish pop tribute act at the Brisbane cricket ground in aid of the flood victims. Abba Gabba Do. |
| January 15 | @TheDollSays | Idle chat with @TheSleepyNinja. He said ‘What would it be like if breasts could talk?’ I said ‘I bet mine would be ardent feminists.’ |
| January 15 | @jacques_aih | @RogerQuimbly Sean Bean seems to get killed at the end of the majority of his movies. In fact, do all Bean flicks end with a little death? |
| January 15 | @TruthSandwich | Twitter just recommended I follow Louie Spence and Chris Moyles. Time to get the chalk, candles, altar and My Big Book of Satan out again. |
| January 16 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads No, towel whip? Okay, I’ll take a man hug and a couple of smiley faces. Cheers. |
| January 16 | @expatina | Anise Nin #edibleauthors |
| January 16 | @TruthSandwich | I an in the hood. (Because it’s raining.) |
| January 16 | @mrschads | Don’t know why @iamchads. thinks I am here to bash him. Told him long ago I am here for a long time not a good time … oops I see my error |
| January 17 | @EatMyHalo | I want everyone to know I love the little robot from Star Wars. Please R2. |
| January 17 | @1orchardroad | A comes up waving something around and says ‘I’d like to read this book mummy’. Its my sodding passport. Can’t leave anything anywhere. |
| January 17 | @neillockwood | A baby is wailing it’s head off further down the street, it’s okay though – it’s a far cry from me. |
| January 17 | @fowget | I dreamt last night that there was a breed of monkey that ran so fast, their bollocks caught fire with the friction |
| January 17 | @jacques_aih | CEO has instructed us to come up with a management solution today. So we’ve dissolved a couple of them in acid. |
| January 17 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads We would put our football kits in carrier bags – usually ‘Fresh Fruit Daily’ ones – I like to think of it as sponsorship. |
| January 17 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads You? Us younger brothers are definitely best. 1st the worst, 2nd the best, 3rd the one with the hairy chest (sister). |
| January 17 | @TheDollSays | Colleague’s reciting lines from ‘Come Fly With Me’ so I’m going to find out how many items of stationery you can shove up a complete wanker. |
| January 17 | @jezmo8 | Doing well with University Challenge tonight. Whistled the theme tune perfectly. |
| January 18 | @1orchardroad | I have pinched my lips to get the effect of lipstick, WWII style. It hasn’t really worked. They just sting now. |
| January 18 | @JimBobbers | A watched kettle never boils… EXCEPT when you’re putting off doing work, then the bastard seems to have the power of 20 million suns. |
| January 18 | @EatMyHalo | “Hey Monet! Do Tommy Cooper!” “Fuck off.” “Well do Lenny Henry then!” “FUCK OFF.” “You’re the worst impressionist ever.” -end scene- |
| January 18 | @nitsohara | Now THIS is one update that made me laugh. http://yfrog.com/gz77kp |
| January 18 | @mattwhatsit | The gay couple awarded £1,800 damages each after winning their hotel discrimination case has been paid in nine-bob notes. |
| January 18 | @neillockwood | Twitter is one of the greenest websites available - just look at all the recycled jokes. |
| January 18 | @TruthSandwich | I fell in love with a prog rock fanatic. She said, “You had me at ELO.” |
| January 18 | @fowget | First day of the stand up training course is entitled “Comedy LOL”. |
| January 18 | @PaulShakeySharp | My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! He was getting bored of reading the same joke all day too. |
| January 19 | @GlennyRodge | A woman just said she had a “good clear out” yesterday. She was probably referring to spring cleaning but there was a certain glow about her |
| January 19 | @neillockwood | Baby, it’s COLD outside. http://bit.ly/fx861Y |
| January 19 | @fowget | Last nights dream? I dreamt that @BECKintl had brought out his own range of fruit teas and the box was shaped like his avatar |
| January 19 | @JimBobbers | @Jamie9A I’ll get BAAIDS. That’s what sheep get too. |
| January 19 | @grazingbison | @fowget @iamchads Why do you think there are always typos in my tweets? And they read like they’re written by a cock anyway. |
| January 19 | @The1nbetweener | Replace your first name with your last name and last name with your first to get your American name. |
| January 19 | @TheDollSays | A boss just asked a fellow PA for something and she said ‘No, tough luck.’ I’m lost in misty-eyed admiration. Might build a statue of her. |
| January 19 | @quantumbagel | @iamchads I could hear the tortured shrieks of that tweet as you twisted it into shape. You sicko. |
| January 19 | @quantumbagel | Good morning, World, c’mon if you think you’re hard enough. Bring cake. |
| January 19 | @MooseAllain | Twitter is like having hundreds of pen-friends, all of whom can only communicate on the back of bus tickets. |
| January 19 | @MooseAllain | Last time I tried to pray to God, I ended up to speaking to someone called Wendy in India. |
| January 19 | @EatMyHalo | I’ve made excellent decisions in past unfollows. It’s all the same wankers doing the same whinging. Shut the everlasting boring fuck up. |
| January 19 | @martindeeson | Press Release Wank of the Day: “AA Gill lives in London and spends most of his year travelling.” |
| January 19 | @alexispetridis | @martindeeson The problem’s not that he travels, it’s that when he gets there, he looks down his fucking nose at everything he finds. |
| January 19 | @1orchardroad | Talking of sandwiches I would be interested to see what Mr J used to wrap kids sandwiches for today as we had no cling film, foil or bags. |
| January 19 | @eops | RT @TheFagCasanova: “Can’t come into work today, I am very I’ll.” – Steve Jobs’ sick note. lol took 3 reads to get it |
| January 19 | @padoir | I’m the youngest in this cinema by at least 20 years. I am 44. |
| January 19 | @TheMightierEvo | An elderly gentleman channelled his inner anus stench and breathed it directly into my face as another man jabbed at me with his paper. |
| January 19 | @CoffeeHooker | Maybe I need a carer. Anyone want to care for a tiny Aussie with tourette-like outbursts, who has problems ordering tea? I’ll pay in booze. |
| January 19 | @lucyinglis | My best friend has been in labour since yesterday morning. It may be safe to say the novelty has worn off. |
| January 19 | @lucyinglis | How is it possible to be exhaustificated after a day spent achieving….well, let’s forget what I didn’t achieve. Did running though. |
| January 19 | @lucyinglis | Congratulations to Skye Gyngell on her Michelin star. Thereby confirming her cookbook’s neglect in my kitchen as thoroughly justified. |
| January 20 | @ElliottClarkson | @DavieLegend Just get an orange, peel it and throw away the inside bit. Voilà. Marmalade. |
| January 20 | @daveknockles | Basically, I’m a work machine, built by robots out of lengths of sheer hard graft. Anyway, I’ll be in the juicer if you need me. |
| January 20 | @Your_Gran | My friends car is alarmed. I’m assuming it’s because of her driving. |
| January 21 | @decath10n | Just told friend they were ‘lying down next to me prostate’. Hurried correction of missing ‘r’ NOT colloquial description of odd bedfellows. |
| January 21 | @_iamjules | @iamchads It’s like you see into my very soul Chadders. Are you made of magic? |
| January 21 | @lucyinglis | @_iamjules Sparkles fall from him as he moves about. Like fairy electricity. @iamchads |
| January 21 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads NEVER, you dirty boy. However, he did do a lot of drugs and once dreamt I was the pilot of an X-wing fighter. @fowget @_iamjules |
| January 21 | @DavieLegend | I am fully dressed, for the first time today, hat & shoes included, in the vain hope that someone will contact me & I will get to socialise. |
| January 22 | @thesuzannemoore | Trying to work out which drug David Mitchell reminds me of. It may well be pro plus. |
| January 22 | @TruthSandwich | Marked police car just went up the road. Not one of the best. 2/10 |
| January 22 | @kenarmstrong1 | @GlennyRodge Are you fuc*king disgusted? (you have to say that out loud) |
| January 22 | @TheSleepyNinja | @fowget @iamchads When stressed out he swaps identity. I affectionately refer to these identities as “Clark-Chads” and “Super-Chads” |
| January 22 | @TheDollSays | Cross stitch RT @Shazzle01: @thedollsays Also this one. http://twitpic.com/3sfwmr |
| January 22 | @GlennyRodge | Today it dawned on me that I sometimes stand, flamingo-like, on one leg. There’s no punchline to this. I’m basically a fucking idiot. |
| January 22 | @GlennyRodge | I reckon me and many of the people I follow are funnier than tonights comedy award winners. Mostly me, obviously. Nob face fanny farts. See? |
| January 23 | @GlennyRodge | Singing ‘hey fatty bum bum’ at a cat when you ate an entire large pizza last night seems both futile & hypocritical. And a tad mental. |
| January 23 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads Your car loves to be driven like that. It thanks you. (Audi-whispering is another of my skills) |
| January 23 | @michlan | At the park. The DD’s have walkietalkies. ‘Send three ‘n’ fourpence, we’re going to a dance’. I think they said. http://yfrog.com/h2hwbxrj |
| January 23 | @Wardotron | I had my first sexual experience behind the local ironworks, crawling over some old slag. |
| January 23 | @CoffeeHooker | The best plan at this stage is to fashion the remaining essays into a piñata, beat the crap out of it, then set fire to it. Problem solved. |
| January 23 | @kenarmstrong1 | I’ll say this about Hugh Grant’s performance in ‘Sirens’, Elle McPherson has great tits. |
| January 24 | @grazingbison | I keep my friends close, but my enemies really fucking far away. I can’t stand those guys. |
| January 24 | @GlennyRodge | If I had a pound every time I had a day off work, I’d have a pound now. Ah, I’d only waste it on sweets. |
| January 24 | @lucyinglis | This bus has just run a completely red light at about 20 miles an hour, in Hackney. He’s not even an amber-gambler, this one. We’re doomed. |
| January 24 | @DaintyBallerina | The offside rule is perfectly easy to understand. Those silly men at Sky Sports should try getting cat sick out of a silk skirt. |
| January 24 | @GlennyRodge | Hope Sue Barker doesn’t ask “What is the offside rule?” on Question Of Sport. She won’t know if they answer correctly, bless her heart. |
| January 25 | @fowget | Does @iamchads get one of those blue ticks now that I can confirm his existance and that he’s not a complete weirdo? |
| January 25 | @OctoberJones | Bloke on train is all up in my personal space. I wouldn’t usually bother but these trousers are only supposed to fit one person. |
| January 26 | @StarchildCoop | I had a dream I was reading a book. I’ve finally reached my goal: I’m more boring in my dreams than in real-life. |
| January 26 | @mrcudlip | Dear Dark Forces, Please can you deal with Alan Green, now that Operation GrayKeys is complete. Thanks, Mr C |
| January 26 | @blindfumble | I’m knackered. I’ll bid you all a Jew.
Night x |
| January 27 | @BECKintl | Today’s daily cartoon, the one my wife doesn’t like, is a @Wikiballs written by utterly underrated @EggShapes. Enjoy. http://t.co/sGXiUMG |
| January 27 | @debsylee | Want to know the time Helvetically? http://helvetictoc.com/ |
| January 28 | @PaulShakeySharp | I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s shit and Wednesday too, Thursday I don’t care about you, Friday I’m still at fucking work. |
| January 28 | @PaulShakeySharp | When listening to Everyday by Buddy Holly I like to imagine he’s keeping rhythm by smacking a teenager round the face. |
| January 28 | @peter_watts | If I had done some work instead of fannying around on twitter all day yesterday, I could spend today fannying around on twitter. |
| January 28 | @TruthSandwich | If I can’t arrive at work ten minutes late and not give a contents monkey’s, the terrorists have won. |
| January 28 | @thereisnohurry | If your wedding goes off without a hitch, you’ll have a story no one wants to hear and pictures and video no one wants to see. |
| January 28 | @chaosgerbil | RT @bluejag: Thought I saw Andy Gray’s name on a loaf of bread earlier but when I looked more closely it said THICK CUT.<- CUT or CU*T |
| January 28 | @BECKintl | Folks we have a new daily cartoon. @gdorean, boss, hope you don‘t mind that I’ve cartoonified one of your tweets again. http://t.co/BwN6iTJ |
| January 29 | @grazingbison | I turn the Smirn off and turn the Gavisc on. |
| January 29 | @ElliottClarkson | The moment you’ve ALL been waiting for. Me chanelling Rhod Gilbert. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKXlxFtrnag |
| January 29 | @_iamjules | A man lies next to me, snoring gently. After a hard week at work his furrowed brow is now smooth & his face is a picture of contentment… |
| January 29 | @_iamjules | But if he continues to snore like that I will find it hard not to smack him about the heed with a shoe I can see on the floor in the corner! |
| January 29 | @lucyinglis | No surprise (but hilarious) to learn that my tiny, betweeded and behatted father-in-law is known in town as Le Grand Anglais. @curlywurlyfi |
| January 29 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads Ha! My weedy fingers couldn’t quite manage the ‘r’ in ‘her’. Basically, I spacked it, mate. |
| January 29 | @QuintinForbes | This deserves a RT @dotmund I have redesigned Manchester United’s kit. This is a free service. http://twitpic.com/3uku0a |
| January 30 | @FliesOpen | Lying on the bed, explaining to the cat why my tweets are funny. |
| January 30 | @GlennyRodge | First set: Andy Murray 4 Jock O’Vitch 6. Win-win situation for Scotland. |
| January 30 | @fowget | The only way Murray could choke more was if he was playing John Holmes |
| January 30 | @fowget | For Sale: One Wife, doesn’t like Elbow |
| January 30 | @robinbogg | BREAKING: New research finds that correct usage of the word decimated has fallen by way over 10 per cent in last few years |
| January 30 | @brainpicker | How small businesses lose money, in an infographic http://j.mp/hZV8uZ (via @NewMindMirror) |
| January 30 | @BECKintl | Good afternoon. @ratbanjos has written today’s daily cartoon which is named Sunday Service. Enjoy. http://t.co/p87Au5H |
| January 30 | @MrLondonStreet | If they’d made “Big” about me Zoltar would have granted my wish and you’d have had 2 hours of me in a hot tub with Belinda Carlisle. |
| January 31 | @BECKintl | Today’s daily cartoon is a @TwopTwips tweet written by @Johnny_Two_Dogs and goes about swimming with dolphins. http://t.co/RjQobHw |
| January 31 | @TheConnArtist | It was down to Chaka Demus to take care of all the partnership business negotiations. Pliers wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box. |
| January 31 | @GlennyRodge | Just walked into a pub where they were holding a daredevil group meeting. You should have seen the evels I got. |
| February 1 | @TheSleepyNinja | Started day with perfectly cooked pancetta and parmesan omelette. Pleasure was tainted by the fact that this day has had its high point now. |
| February 1 | @ElliottClarkson | My work pass looks like the blurred out face in a “my teacher used to touch me” news story. Maybe that’s how they want me to feel. |
| February 1 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads So he’s more Starsky, you’re more Hutch? |
| February 1 | @fowget | I just told the Wife she should be more like a Pikey Wife and be more subservient. On an unrelated note, my balls are now really sore #bfgw |
| February 2 | @TheConnArtist | “Sharm el-Sheikh brings all the troops to the yard / Our conflict is bigger than yours” |
| February 2 | @_iamjules | Morning. I’m late, it’s raining & I’ve seen 3 ‘you’re/your’ tweets already. It’s probably a good idea to avoid me today *fumes* |
| February 2 | @grazingbison | Post breakfast amuse-bouche this morning consisted of a piece of white chocolate & a teaspoonful of peanut butter eaten out of the jar. |
| February 2 | @fowget | My most noteworthy horticultural achievement was when I taught my plants how to dance, a Roots Manuva you might say |
| February 2 | @BECKintl | @iamchads Where the BMW standlights come from http://tiny.cc/86t1i |
| February 2 | @quantumbagel | Au revoir, mes amis grumeleux, je vous verrai plus tard! |
| February 2 | @TheSleepyNinja | RT @iamchads: @fowget @StarchildCoop @beckintl @thedollsays Bosh! (Sorry Beck!) http://plixi.com/p/74277150 |
| February 2 | @TheDollSays | Ahh, Midsomer Murders. Like eating a lovely cake, then seeing a car accident but then forgetting about that and finishing the lovely cake. |
| February 2 | @brainpicker | Introducing @projeqt – a creative storytelling platform for presentations, portfolios, education & more http://j.mp/f9i91f |
| February 3 | @the_overfed | @MooseAllain Assuage is when someone tries to make you feel better about your inability to spell sausage |
| February 3 | @MadMedic1 | Total shitballs. Awake far too early. This doesn’t bode well for my patients or patience later. Hehehe. Did you see what I did there? |
| February 3 | @MadMedic1 | My eyes feel like pissholes in the snow. I’m guessing I look like shit warmed up too! Today can be described as utter bollocks… |
| February 3 | @GlennyRodge | I’m at the farm today. A baby sheep is having a fight with his dad. They’re really going at it. A ram, a lamb, a ding-dong, and no mistake. |
| February 3 | @TheSleepyNinja | RT @_L_M_C_: RT @RichardWiseman: Brilliant – simply brilliant. http://yfrog.com/hs1jncwj (via Tim C) |
| February 3 | @fowget | #tweetsfromhistory @PaulChambers The airport is still shut but just thought of a really funny joke, it’ll slay them. Hope it gets me a shag |
| February 3 | @BECKintl | “Look daddy, I have drawn Hitler with a cruise missile stuck in his head.” #thejoyofhavingkids |
| February 3 | @warren_bennett | Is there any way we can combine Question Time with The Golden Shot? And whatever happened to Anne Aston? |
| February 4 | @BinaryDad | Is there a piece of software available to tell Adobe to fuck the shit off? |
| February 4 | @TheDollSays | @fowget @Tummycustard Oh, DIDDUMS to the lot of them. |
| February 4 | @betchaboy | ”The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine.” – Abraham Lincoln |
| February 4 | @BECKintl | Today I’ve cartoonified a tweet of @Lemonosity to be this Friday’s daily cartoon, or is it a comic? Please find out here http://t.co/uHtY2XT |
| February 4 | @TruthSandwich | Don’t often do #FFs but if you fancy trying your hand at getting one-liners or sketches on to the radio, follow @NewsjackBBC now. |
| February 4 | @Mr_Neurosceptic | We’d do well to remember we don’t really live in a dog eat dog world, although we must remember that ugly women do tend to shop at Iceland. |
| February 5 | @parkyerbike | I went to a karaoke bar last night and discovered they didn’t play any 70s music. At first I was afraid… I was petrified |
| February 5 | @TheSleepyNinja | Late night in the office (I started at 9am) the wind is whistling in tune with Canon in D, either that or I am hallucinating again. |
| February 5 | @TheDollSays | @TheSleepyNinja @Twistedlilkitty It’s really hard to maintain all three of them and remain plausible but I think I manage it. |
| February 5 | @TheConnArtist | Sturdy oak. Weeping willow. Fragrant pine. OK, enough of the pleasant trees – let’s get down to business. |
| February 5 | @decath10n | I’m sat by a man wearing these shoes, an oversized biker jacket and a smile that comes only with DIY lobotomies. http://yfrog.com/h2m3mbaj |
| February 6 | @brainpicker | What would your occupation in the Star Wars universe be? There’s a flowchart for that! http://j.mp/hWXBgZ |
| February 6 | @neillockwood | Red or white? http://bit.ly/eK2hvh |
| February 6 | @kenarmstrong1 | I never bought The Irish Mail on Sunday before and, after today, I’ll never buy it again. (Didn’t buy it today either, lest we’re unclear). |
| February 6 | @TipYourHat | I’m drinking a beer while building an exercise machine. That’s fine, right? |
| February 6 | @TheDollSays | Hey, men! When you’ve had a go with the L’oreal Men Expert Cooling Eye Roll On, why not get a crush on Colin Firth and have a period? |
| February 6 | @DJMissfrenchie | I remember when that used to be played on French radio. Oh yes, the full version! — Lil Louis – French Kiss http://t.co/pdsMN5J |
A year of Twitter Favourites – Part 6
The last of the year’s favourite tweets, topped and tailed (I’m sure they’ll appreciate the insinuation) by two of my favourite tweeters.
There really should be many more than 1600 tweets in the year, but what can I say? I’m distracted and disorganised.
Good aren’t they?
| February 6 | @GlennyRodge | Is it gonna be windy tomorrow? Not sure I can stand another day of hair foofing and strangers coming up to me singing Shalamar songs. |
| February 6 | @ElliottClarkson | Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite. Or the ropes chaff your wrists and ankles. Just lie there and be still. I’ll be back. x |
| February 6 | @EatMyHalo | Superbowl?? Kill Bill is on!! Rugby pussies or ninja fights? No motherfucking contest! |
| February 7 | @OctoberJones | Pixie Geldoff reveals that she tries to avoid ‘hollow and fake’ celebrity parties. In other news, a fish tells press “I try to avoid water” |
| February 7 | @Feisty_Onion | I knew I was a Word nerd! > @feisty_onion scored 577 in The Times #WordNerd test. Discover your score at: http://thetim.es/word-nerd |
| February 7 | @TheJohnnyMc | Twitter the place where people pretend they are interested in what you are having to eat but think “Facebook wanker” in their brain muscle. |
| February 7 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads Book-em Chaddo |
| February 8 | @TheConnArtist | So happy. I managed to eat the required fifty mushrooms in one minute, and have now qualified for the Champignons League. |
| February 8 | @TheSleepyNinja | RT @DavidNobbs: Met a dyslexic Yorkshireman yesterday. He had a cat flap on his head. |
| February 8 | @CoffeeHooker | Can one person, just one, do their fucking job well today so I don’t have to spend my time fixing their cunting mistakes. |
| February 8 | @CoffeeHooker | Putting me on hold with Vivaldi only heightens my awareness that seasons are passing while you deal with my enquiry. Hurry the fuck up. |
| February 8 | @mattwhatsit | @angryplumber At least I’m not covered in somebody else’s faeces. Shit boy. |
| February 8 | @OnlineAStevens | Hmm. Scally robber riding a prestine Vespa and scared by a handbag beating. Hoax I reckon! http://bit.ly/gzWnqT |
| February 8 | @gazmanjones | I am off to visit the beer shop. Would anyone like anything? Be inventive. Don’t just say “beer”. Though that IS all they sell. |
| February 8 | @VictorianLondon | Today, I inadvertently created the Conservative advertising campaign for the next election … http://twitpic.com/3xsjir |
| February 8 | @TheConnArtist | If you authorise someone to use a contradictory turn of phrase on your behalf, that’s a proxymoron. |
| February 9 | @neillockwood | Women! Don’t use your skirt to wipe baby’s ass! http://bit.ly/gxyVYo |
| February 9 | @Revmoon | Last night I dreamed I was Kylie Minogue fuckbuddy circa 1997. She was a lot dirtier than you might imagine, as was her sister & Bob Holness |
| February 9 | @MrMisterMan | It’s been officially announced that I’m leaving and not ONE person broke down and sobbed “Why god? Why?! Always the pretty ones…”. Bastards. |
| February 9 | @TruthSandwich | I’m exhausted today. Late-night sex on a work day is a bad idea. All that banging, shouting and screaming. I wish they’d keep it down. |
| February 9 | @mofgimmers | This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Excerpts from the Queen Mum’s book of remembrance. http://bit.ly/dWtfjR |
| February 9 | @PaulShakeySharp | Mary had a little bike She rode it on the grass, Every time the wheel went round A spoke went up her arse. #OldSchool |
| February 9 | @DavieLegend | @tw1tterband what about a hoody with “DavieLegend fingered my daughter” on the back? |
| February 10 | @craig_wijckaans | thats it. I’m off to get bummed into madness by a certain Captain Kip. he’s relentless. shh…don’t tell the brigadier |
| February 10 | @TruthSandwich | Lola the Goldfish died last night. To be fair, she wasn’t exactly in the first flush – it took two goes & a hammering from the toilet brush. |
| February 10 | @tumour | #papersavingfail http://twitpic.com/3ycd2g |
| February 10 | @TheDollSays | Just checking the instructions on this Boots paracetamol. It says ‘Take two with water then patronise the fuck out of all men everywhere.’ |
| February 10 | @JimBobbers | .@iamchads Reminds me of the time I saw a large Dalmatian take a dump in the middle of the road, on a bend… |
| February 10 | @JimBobbers | .@iamchads …no sooner had it arched it’s back and raised its tail, when ‘WHUMP’ a Volvo hits it up the chuff… |
| February 10 | @JimBobbers | .@iamchads …it’s expression was priceless. It was the indignant shock. Left a brown skid down the side of the car. It was OK though. |
| February 10 | @sazzadee | Kettle chips taste stale. You all know it but you eat them because they’re a bit posh. You’d all rather be woofing wotzits. #TwitterPoll |
| February 10 | @Mr_Neurosceptic | Menzies Campbell’s first name sounds like Joey Deacon trying to say “Bingo” #bbcqt |
| February 10 | @GlennyRodge | Francis got the biggest boo, coz Francis Maude’s a great big poo. #bbcquestionrhyme |
| February 10 | @Harrythebanker | Unborn baby has started kicking wife when she talks too much. He won’t be born for 3 months and already he’s got bigger balls than me. |
| February 11 | @therealpostie | @_iamjules cause the cat arse will smell of poo. |
| February 11 | @andretorp | I have a spring in my step this morning. My watch has exploded. So i also have a second-hand up my nose and a dial in my pocket |
| February 11 | @wobblyvirtue | Enjoying staring at the view from train window this am, avoiding appearance of pressing face against it and licking. |
| February 11 | @princesspip | hello.Today seems better than yesterday already. Unrelated my dream involved France, the nasty girl from The Ring and scary curtains. |
| February 11 | @warren_bennett | Man on this train talking loudly into his phone and ending every sentence with innit.He’s got a big bag.I want to ask him what’s in it innit |
| February 11 | @GlennyRodge | Tay-tay-tay-tay, ter-tay tay tay tay tay tay! Sorry, I was just getting fresh. Well, it is the weekend. #yesiknowthatsadifferentsongeffoff |
| February 11 | @wobblyvirtue | Oops! In Morrison’s with @_iamjules http://yfrog.com/h76zamikj |
| February 11 | @paul_clarke | You want some real #localgov bollocks to have a go at, @ericpickles? Try this: http://rb.tl/eKGRs1 |
| February 11 | @Dextronix | Early breaking news leak!!! Sadly, one of the members of pop group Steps has passed away… http://tinyurl.com/4r8prl8 |
| February 11 | @TheSleepyNinja | Sky+ screwed up my recording of True Blood, it is jumping and skipping like a flea after a family bag of skittles. Trippy |
| February 12 | @shiraselko | I just took in this Mint Milano® cookie so deep that its balls are on my chin. |
| February 12 | @brainpicker | 15 magnificent libraries around the world – a photoessay http://j.mp/gs2RCa (via @marcacohen) |
| February 12 | @GlennyRodge | @R_McCormack Okay, it might be while though. I’ve a bone in me leg. |
| February 12 | @thesuzannemoore | You know why ! Hit the road Jack! http://t.co/o03rMOX |
| February 12 | @quantumbagel | “Ugly people can’t just draw pretty on with eyeliner. That’s why they cry.” Stuff I teach my daughter. |
| February 12 | @neillockwood | So my wife and I have decided not to buy each other presents for valentines. Not falling for that, scheming bitch is trying to trap me. |
| February 12 | @brainpicker | If you missed it Thurday ☞ 5 essential books for word geeks and language lovers http://j.mp/e7kTdp |
| February 12 | @brainpicker | So you know: How to fold a newspaper sheet hat http://j.mp/gtjVtv Because if print is dying, might as well have fun with it. |
| February 12 | @fowget | I appear to have been possessed by the avatar of @iamchads http://yfrog.com/hsgqmzdj |
| February 12 | @GlennyRodge | May have misheard but was just asked “Excuse me cunt. You know where Judge Street is?” I sent them the wrong way so I guess they were right. |
| February 13 | @H4HBEAR | I went to get my viagra from the chemist but they accidentally gave me tippex instead, I now have a massive correction! |
| February 13 | @suzefff | Not sure I feel comfortable anymore when the dog hasn’t seen me for 5 mins or so – he gets way too ‘excited’ #stiffy |
| February 13 | @lucyinglis | Mr I: Look at these *disgusting* people in Liverpool shirts hanging about at the back. This is what you get in the North. #roadshow |
| February 13 | @mattwhatsit | @DavieLegend So it was a painful, sexless defeat? |
| February 13 | @BECKintl | Just a Mondrian style shadowing in my tea room. http://t.co/ukWfyHs |
| February 13 | @caitlinmoran | I love Helena Bonham Carter. She has the air of a woman who smokes nub-ends off the patio at 3am. I mean that in a good way. |
| February 13 | @BabyFowget | I’ve found a place that when I kick it, it makes Mummy fart |
| February 13 | @blindfumble | @TheConnArtist that made me feel all warm n fuzzy *checks tenalady* yup… Tepid and fuzzy |
| February 13 | @DJMissfrenchie | No vocals but a sweet remix #NowPlaying — Linkin Park – In The End (Drum And Bass Remix) http://t.co/xqO58fM |
| February 13 | @TheConnArtist | @blindfumble On reflection, my best career move would be to compete in Japan as a Sumo wrestler. I’d be called “The Shithouse”. *eats lard* |
| February 13 | @rhodri | Roses are expensive / violets aren’t particularly attractive in my opinion / sugar is alright in limited quantities / what do you want |
| February 13 | @TeenyBella | My ex fiancé planted snowdrops in a love heart shape in our back garden on valentines day one year. It was lovely. |
| February 13 | @TeenyBella | He also shagged a joey eyed waitress but I like to concentrate on the good memories. |
| February 14 | @shiraselko | Roses are red Violets are violet I just got drunk And puked in the toilet. |
| February 14 | @GlennyRodge | Celebrities on Question Time and Question of Sport. *sighs* Soon it’ll be “And now the 10 O’Clock News with Brian Cant & Pam Ayres”. |
| February 14 | @RickHarwood | @DavieLegend @teenybella Of course it’s not wrong, you black eyed bell-end. I just thought I’d throw some doubt in to help your insecurity. |
| February 15 | @2bras7cats | I’ve been given the most bloody awful task. It’s so boring that anyone who asks me what I’m doing will die of boredom as I explain it. |
| February 15 | @2bras7cats | One day I’ll meet someone who will be able to continue talking to me after I’ve ruined their attempt at smalltalk. |
| February 15 | @2bras7cats | I’m ashamed of myself for writing that. Back to my bullshit bank statement correction bullshit bullshit bullshit. |
| February 15 | @GlennyRodge | Quickly flicking through my timeline, I think I spotted my future wife. Can’t see her now. Oh well, she’d probably turn lesbian anyway. |
| February 15 | @OctoberJones | I’m not saying staff at my local Sainsbury’s are inept, but I’ve used self checkout twice and I’ve already been named Employee of the Month. |
| February 15 | @TheConnArtist | Every person I’ve met that hated “Thunderbirds” doesn’t trust the police. They’re Virgilantis. |
| February 15 | @decath10n | There’s nothing like seeing your ex with a new man. Oh. Wait. Yes there is. A large syringe of emotional anthrax administered by a clown. |
| February 16 | @OctoberJones | Cheryl Cole admits to having ‘girl crush’ on Rihanna in classic “I-didn’t-win-a-Brit-so-I’ll-imply-I-might-be-lesbian’ ploy. |
| February 16 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads I went for 3 n’s and 2 y’s “Tonnnyy” I sounded like a wiseguy. |
| February 16 | @OctoberJones | Text from Dog “Emptied the dishwasher. Smashed everything except one glass…. Nope smashed that too. Cutlery is A-OK. Buried it all” |
| February 16 | @brainpicker | Could it be? This American Life discovers Coca-Cola’s secret original recipe http://j.mp/fh9VzC (via @GMSV) |
| February 16 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Utter – ly? And you have the cheek to squeak my pips over grammar Chads. *tuts**goes back to crocheting alphabet* |
| February 16 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads *makes waxen Chads doll**heats pins* Oh no no, you carry on. |
| February 16 | @TrumptonFireman | Why did the French chef kill himself? He lost the huile d’olive. |
| February 16 | @princesspip | Have been id’d for the second time in a month..which frankly makes those two people blind, special or paid by someone who loves me. |
| February 16 | @TheRealDjSpoony | What subject have Arsenal got after double Barcelona? |
| February 16 | @mrschads | I want my 3 boys to be little & gorgeous, running round in nappies & needing car seats & ME. Now its girls, homework, detentions, arguments. |
| February 16 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads @mrschads @fowget Gin, if you can’t forgive then help yourself to forget. |
| February 16 | @SwearySausages | You know when the label states ‘dry clean only’. They really mean it don’t they. |
| February 17 | @fowget | I’m not the camp one in the red hair, that was Foz my best man http://yfrog.com/h4ebusj |
| February 17 | @BECKintl | Today’s daily cartoon is a very useful one. It is written by @MaudTheMaid and came to my attention via @TwopTwips. http://t.co/0R3sr3X |
| February 17 | @fowget | RT @TweetSmarter: r/t How to Display Your Latest Tweets in Your Email Signature http://bit.ly/hVFk04 << How to get myself sacked in 1 step |
| February 17 | @fowget | Fill your boots Gregg, you fat cunt #masterchef |
| February 17 | @fowget | @iamchads Of course it’s a mask, I look happy on my wedding day |
| February 17 | @GlennyRodge | Me: In light of the recent public sector job loss announcements & the latest unrest in the Middle East, should I have a cup of tea? Me: Yes |
| February 18 | @Wardotron | A man walks into a shop. Man: Can I have a copy of the Echo? Shopkeeper: Echo? Man: Echo. Shopkeeper: Echo? Man: Echo. Shopkeeper: No. |
| February 18 | @gazmanjones | @mattwhatsit Morning, sir. Perved on your audioboo last night. To me you sound a little like Arthur the Caterpillar from ‘Willo the Wisp’. |
| February 18 | @OctoberJones | “Luke, I am Your Father” “Nnnoooooooooooo!” “‘s Accountant. Geez let me finish why don’t you. Drama Queen” #MissingMovieLines |
| February 18 | @lucyinglis | Crikey. Where did the morning go? Ah yes. Well, anyway, it’s the Covent Garden sex trade this afternoon. The rough stuff. You know me. |
| February 18 | @nitsohara | I asked @Eamonn_Forde and his suggestion was a place near the station that would cut my hair for 8 quid and throw in an eyebrow trim. |
| February 18 | @GlennyRodge | I’d quite like to have a syndrome named after me. Nothing horrid; maybe a thing that makes you occasionally say ‘and I turned round & said’. |
| February 18 | @mrschads | @princesspip @fowget @_ndf Is ‘brilliant’ code for something? I am stone cold ‘unbrilliant’ but @iamchads on the gin so probably’ brilliant’ |
| February 19 | @CoffeeHooker | Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that sometimes you couldn’t stab them to death in their sleep. |
| February 19 | @TeenyBella | I’ve added Hoop Dreams to my lovefilm rental list for no other reason than it’s called HOOP DREAMS. |
| February 19 | @Ade1965 | Anyone wanting the new updated and working ubertwitter can get it here http://ubersocial.com #iPhone #Blackberry |
| February 20 | @andretorp | Wife: have u toddler proofed house? Me: yes W: so its safe for children now? Me: yes W: why u got plasters on? Me: don’t want talk about it |
| February 20 | @TeenyBella | Mama I: claire a bella what is that top you’re wearing? Me: I paid £80 for it from all saints. Mama I: I wouldn’t get buried in it. |
| February 20 | @shoutsatcows | That plumber who fixed my hot water yesterday? He’s coming back later today to actually fix it. The fucking shitheaded cunt. |
| February 20 | @fowget | A retweet is an acceptance that everyone you know is funnier than you |
| February 20 | @SimonBishop | One of the bar staff in the Kro looks like Olive from “On the Buses”. I’m probably the only person on here old enough to remember that. |
| February 20 | @jacques_aih | When Archimedes found the source of the extra liquid in the bath he shouted “Urethra!” |
| February 21 | @GlennyRodge | You know when you do a tweet containing one sentence about something silly followed by another just containing the word ‘that’? That. That. |
| February 21 | @almacdSE1 | You know what the best thing is about M&S ding dinners? The fact the plastic comes off in one go. |
| February 21 | @shinytuppence | dear people, I’m not as green as i am cabbage looking. |
| February 22 | @Bourne_Stupid | Black Ops training makes life awkward. gf asked me for a ‘bit of slap and tickle’. When she is conscious again we’ll see about the tickle |
| February 22 | @decath10n | New sport idea: same rules as Kabaddi except the chant is ‘Gadaffi’ and instead of holding hands and grappling, it’s handcuffs and gunshots. |
| February 22 | @OctoberJones | Pocket handkerchief? Shit glasses? Talking on phone in the Quiet Zone? Here we see the typical, pompous cuntios. http://twitpic.com/42n37r |
| February 22 | @TheConnArtist | @OctoberJones He looks a curious mix of Fabio Capello and Su Pollard. |
| February 22 | @OctoberJones | @iamchads For the ‘scientific swearer’ |
| February 23 | @blindfumble | I’m losing followers faster than Biebers balls are dropping. |
| February 23 | @BECKintl | Have you seen that daily cartoon my mate @iamchads has written? http://t.co/m61BL7k |
| February 23 | @iamchads | @fowget No, but I did tell someone, “Aisle stick my boot up your apse in a minute”. Hehe, straight from the top of my dome. Freestyler. Word |
| February 23 | @_iamjules | @fowget It’s got a trunk you spazza! |
| February 23 | @TheJohnnyMc | @OctoberJones @krunchie_frog They also possess inhuman strength and like to pull ears off! #iWasTaughtByNuns #EvilBeyatchs |
| February 23 | @BECKintl | Imagine today’s daily cartoon spoken with a snarling, tyrannical voice. Losing Followers, written by @blindfumble. http://t.co/oAJyeZy |
| February 23 | @StarchildCoop | The following may sound almost conceited : conceit |
| February 23 | @TheDollSays | I miss the old 90′s Masterchef where you had three very sensible housewives from Surrey who’d no sooner cry on TV than flash their girdles. |
| February 23 | @decath10n | A vortex of vacuity. #themodelagency |
| February 24 | @BECKintl | Warning: today’s daily cartoon contains violence. It’s an illustrated tweet of @biscuitnose. Enjoy it or don’t. http://t.co/oWNqzL8 |
| February 24 | @TheDollSays | @Club_80_nights Only in the depths of Guildford, I fear. |
| February 24 | @jacques_aih | Cockney girl at work: “I love a big finish in the boat race”. Me: “I didn’t know you were a rowing fan?” Cockney Girl: “A what now?” |
| February 24 | @tortytweets | @iamchads Do you also do that when the Iams advert comes on? *gerrit!**sorry* |
| February 24 | @tortytweets | @fowget @iamchads He’s not just any Chads. He’s an IamChads. |
| February 24 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads Ah, of the Surrey Wankenchads? I know your aunt, Minky von Wankenchad. |
| February 24 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads Actually cringed at that name. So posh. “So Mr Jackhartamagherafelt, how do you pronounce that?”, “Jackson”. |
| February 24 | @GlennyRodge | @iamchads Absolutely. And there’s that university *Gareth Hunt ‘magic the beans’ hand signal* |
| February 24 | @TheDollSays | My neighbour’s car alarm is so soothing. It’s like being lulled to sleep by twenty howler monkeys trying to gang bang a broken accordion. |
| February 24 | @nitsohara | I’m going to watch the final installment (natch) of Episodes. Two days after most of you lot. So, no acting the maggot with spoilers now. |
| February 25 | @EatMyHalo | This shit on BBC1 is shit. Hearts in bogs, ocd food preperation, stupid taps. I have no idea what’s going on. I hope they all die. |
| February 25 | @MadMedic1 | @iamchads I have lived for 35+ VAT years and have never heard of that! I thought a chad was a cartoon of a big nose guy hanging over a wall |
| February 25 | @CoffeeHooker | Dear IT, Do you know what fucks me off? You do, don’t you because I just told you in excruciating detail. Give me my cunting laptop, CH x |
| February 25 | @blindfumble | Nearly done… #ff he is to art what Thom Yorke is to laser eye surgery, the very talented @BECKintl |
| February 25 | @jacques_aih | Caller: “Our annex isn’t the one we ordered” Me: “Sorry – you’ve got the wrong extension”. |
| February 25 | @jacques_aih | I just saw some hospital assistants at a bus stop. They were forming an orderly queue. |
| February 25 | @BECKintl | Apparently The Official Website of America. http://bit.ly/g3TcWR via @neillockwood [Good find!] |
| February 25 | @jacques_aih | Ken Dodd said he wanted to leave a quilt on my floor. I said “Over my bed Doddy” |
| February 25 | @DJMissfrenchie | @iamchads Dechiré ce soir?! |
| February 25 | @neillockwood | Before all this text dumbing down ‘FFS’ was a puncture. |
| February 26 | @jacques_aih | When I was arrested, the police kept me on edge by serving me tea of varying standards. It was a good cup, bad cup routine. |
| February 26 | @thesuzannemoore | Last Night A DJ Saved My Life – Indeep Official Video http://t.co/gxTNnLO x |
| February 26 | @iain_fale | I am far angrier about govt response to getting Brits home from Libya than plight of Libyan people. Cos they is foreign innit |
| February 26 | @fowget | I am, therefore I paint |
| February 26 | @jacques_aih | I always get “imply” and “infer” mixed up. Anyway, I’m off to watch The Towering Implyno. |
| February 26 | @GlennyRodge | I don’t know why but I keep stealing my flatmate’s footwear. I should see someone about that. I think I might have his shoes. |
| February 26 | @BECKintl | My wife dislikes flea markets. The idea that one day all of her stuff will end up in such flea market boxes saddens her. We bought nothing. |
| February 26 | @Lemonosity | A wintry beach shown on TV: flat sunlight, pale colours, wet sand. My heart leaps and dips for my seaside childhood like it would for a man. |
| February 26 | @neillockwood | I tilt my head at a slight angle when talking to people these days just so they think ‘What the f*ck is his problem?’ |
| February 26 | @neillockwood | My older brother once told me part of adulthood was a sudden awareness of everything. Still waiting, starting to suspect it was a prank. |
| February 27 | @paul_clarke | Giotto-tastic! – man draws perfect circle in less than a second. http://youtu.be/eAhfZUZiwSE via @rhodri @edyong209 |
| February 27 | @RogerQuimbly | CBS to axe Two And A Half Men. The Sheen family should be used to a little Charlie chopping. |
| February 27 | @GlennyRodge | This latest Ashley Cole incident has got me thinking. He’s a fucking idiot, isn’t he? |
| February 27 | @BabyFowget | @Knittedgnome So would you be if you saw the genes I’m inheriting; big nose, fat belly, terrible dancing ability and that’s just Mummy |
| February 27 | @TheConnArtist | Nick Clegg went away for a skiing holiday when David Cameron was in Africa. He clearly has a taste for slippery slopes. |
| February 27 | @mattwhatsit | 16yo: “Saw Black Swan last night.” “Oh okay, any good?” “Yeah it was actually. You’d like it dad, quite ‘lezzy’.” #parentingwin |
| February 28 | @BECKintl | Yes, it is. http://bit.ly/epFkI2 (pic) via @neillockwood |
| February 28 | @iSwarb | @fowget @iamchads Seems likely. But in fairness to me (my favourite kind of fairness), I thought you wanted us to behave like monkeys*? |
| February 28 | @BECKintl | I’m Like a Bird is today’s daily cartoon. @jamesgfarrell has written it. Enjoy. http://t.co/f69cg4U |
| February 28 | @MooseAllain | I managed to smuggle a lever arch file into the prison inside a cake, but I spoilt the joke by saying “lever arch” too near the beginning. |
| March 1 | @BECKintl | I’m in a cafe. The coffee tasts shite, though it has a French name at least . |
| March 1 | @fowget | @Knittedgnome I didn’t realise you was a big football fan |
| March 2 | @alisonkbirch | Going to have to put my quality management head on soon. I say ‘head’. It’s a pink balloon with an interested face drawn on. |
| March 2 | @fowget | We shouldn’t judge Ferguson too harshly when he comments on a referees performance, remember, he is a very old man and a cunt |
| March 2 | @Bourne_Stupid | The CIA asked if I could murder a Sheikh. I think I misunderstood as I now find myself in a McDonalds |
| March 2 | @GlennyRodge | Time to watch a load of old bollocks on the telly. Oh no, there’s only shit on tonight. Note to self: shit Wednesday, bollocks Thursday. |
| March 2 | @lucyinglis | @_iamjules You are gay. |
| March 3 | @RogerQuimbly | The Real Human Centipede: Rupert Murdoch, Jeremy Hunt, Us. |
| March 3 | @lucyinglis | The R4 stock mummer playing the boy with Downs Syndrome in this drama needs to feel the back of my hand. |
| March 3 | @GlennyRodge | Star Wars FACT: C3PO’s real name was Colin 3 Post Office. R2D2 was just a vacuum cleaner that he thought could talk to him. The big idiot. |
| March 3 | @lucyinglis | Eating savoury rice at my mother’s dining table, surrounded by books. It’s like inhaling 1996. |
| March 3 | @DannyDoes | #Chelsea #CFC If anyone is bored at work or just would like to rewatch the 2-1 win over Man Utd – http://bit.ly/en6JOo |
| March 3 | @lucyinglis | Sister is buying me a sports bra from the outlet near her work. When I told her the size she said cheerfully, and I quote, ‘Hubba hubba’. |
| March 3 | @lucyinglis | This is more a reflection of my sister’s internal narrative than it is of my chest. This is a woman who talks to her text messages. |
| March 3 | @mrschads | @iamchads @lucyinglis Yeah and I took the job – eventually. |
| March 3 | @BECKintl | Hold on tight. How not to clean a window: http://bit.ly/e9YXJv via @LettersOfNote |
| March 3 | @GlennyRodge | You know that annoying washing-machine 5 minute flashy light wait thing? That’ll be out when I’m president of England. That and Top Gear. |
| March 3 | @OctoberJones | Kid on the bus just yelled something at me. Didn’t catch it all but I know it ended with ‘CUNT!!’. Hope it was something complimentary. |
| March 3 | @kervinf | Oh, you’re a vegetarian? Then how come you’re fat? |
| March 4 | @michlan | Morning. In honour of the new twitter for iPhone, I’m wearing a black band round my head. *stumbles over, knocks self out on doorhandle* |
| March 4 | @GlennyRodge | Dear people who refer to their cars as ‘she’, Where’s the frock? What about the little car boobies? Hmm? Hmm? |
| March 4 | @MrMisterMan | Today is my second to last day in this job. My couldnotgiveafuckedness is reaching epic proportions. |
| March 4 | @GlennyRodge | The starey kid in the takeaway looks like he wants to ask me something. I hope it’s about my hat & not the trouser stain. |
| March 4 | @grazingbison | #ff @iamchads & @fowget. Twitter bread & butter. Essentials. And nutritious. |
| March 5 | @MooseAllain | My wife is having a nice lie in bed, reading. My 5yo has just described this as “staying up early”. |
| March 5 | @_iamjules | I think my cat has started smoking. There was a faint smell of Regal Superkings about her when I just picked her up there |
| March 6 | @FavoriteSayings | Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. |
| March 6 | @EastressStar | Me:You’re staring at me. Mama:I’m not. *silence* Mama:Look,I HAVE to ask:Were you thinking of doing ‘something’ with your hair? Me:I am now. |
| March 6 | @JGONeill | @iamchads “You come in here with heads full of mush, you go out with a McDonalds, including a Crunchie McFlurry…” |
| March 6 | @MrLondonStreet | Life isn’t what happens while you’re making other plans. Watching Jurassic Park by accident is what happens while you’re making other plans. |
| March 6 | @fowget | RT @Blackberry Do not buy our phones if you wish to enjoy Twitter, they are shit |
| March 6 | @_iamjules | Skankalina Doley is on channel 4. I imagine @iamchads is glued to the tellyscreen by his lips. It’s @mrschads I feel sorry for |
| March 6 | @_iamjules | @iamchads @mrschads It is. She’s rank! |
| March 6 | @mrschads | @fowget @_iamjules @iamchads I see it as my duty to eradicate her from his memory & make him see she is just female version of Jamie Oliver. |
| March 7 | @Prof_BrianCocks | Newton’s equation F=MA should be used to calculate the level of ‘smash’ required for a ladies ‘backdoors’ |
| March 7 | @GlennyRodge | I feel strongly that I’m somehow predetermined to sell home-made jams, chutneys & sponge cakes. I’m a great believer in fête. |
| March 7 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads ♥ |
| March 7 | @warren_bennett | @SimonNRicketts There’s an old Italian saying,”you fuck up once,you lose two teeth.” |
| March 8 | @BECKintl | Made a second version of today’s daily cartoon. What do you think? http://t.co/nJjkdnw @SisterWhitloe |
| March 9 | @brainpicker | How long different animals live, in a vintage infographic http://j.mp/hMXtF7 |
| March 9 | @TummyCustard | “Life is all about the choices we make in this lifetime of learning.” Fuck me. I’m happy to lose the follower and block that shit. |
| March 9 | @princesspip | Son is in the shower washing German sentences off his arm..i have uttered the phrase ‘cheats never prosper’. |
| March 9 | @CoffeeHooker | FB: I couldn’t give a flying fuck that I was tagged in a photo. Unless I’m doing handstands with a panda up my arse, I don’t want to know. |
| March 9 | @CoffeeHooker | Hierarchy-Pyjama-Cunt-girl left the meeting room flushed with messy hair. If she’s had a wank I might give her some respect. But she hasn’t. |
| March 9 | @MooseAllain | Got a meeting of Freudians Anonymous tonight, just having a quick look to see what’s on the pudenda. |
| March 9 | @PaulShakeySharp | I know I turned my laptop on for a reason, but I can’t for the fucking life of me remember what it was. Hello twitter. |
| March 9 | @MooseAllain | Seeing people misusing foreign words always sends a little schadenfrisson down my spine. |
| March 9 | @OctoberJones | Most men would have sex with a woman in novelty socks. If we’re being honest, if sex is on offer, most men would overlook a third arm. |
| March 10 | @ellamaura | RT @stephenfry Rather astonishing and unusual new website just opened – http://t.co/2HtuUFd – extraordinary. |
| March 10 | @Knittedgnome | I bring u the 1st in an occasional series of “Celebs without their make-up”
Minnie Mouse in Costa Coffee http://t.co/r78Qjm7 |
| March 10 | @GlennyRodge | Breaking up is never easy but at least you get to bring games in that day. |
| March 10 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads Riding the peak of the boost. You make me so proud. |
| March 10 | @BECKintl | Since I’m off Twitter til Sunday I provide you @EggShapes’ The Hunchback of Notre Dame as second daily #cartoon today. http://t.co/3ns9v7S |
| March 10 | @1orchardroad | Had to get out of the house, They’re doing my nut in. I’ve come to the gym due to lack of friends. I’ll stay until closing time if I have to |
| March 10 | @1orchardroad | Why confirm plans with my mother once when I can confirm them twenty times? FGS. |
| March 10 | @fowget | Calvin & Hobbes comics free http://market.android.com/details?id=com.eaa.calvinandhobbes |
| March 11 | @michlan | “@Alexandjef: I’m pretty sure Jamie Oliver’s next programme is going to be called ‘AM I JESUS?’” << #WorthaF |
| March 11 | @CoffeeHooker | I should go to work soon. Someone has to kick Hierarchy-Pyjama-Cunt girl in the minge. She will be doing something right now to deserve it. |
| March 11 | @GlennyRodge | I officially have the hump today. Well, not officially; I’ve not got a badge or anything. Stupid idiot badges. |
| March 11 | @RichHL | #FF @iamchads, an officer and a gentleman. |
| March 11 | @neillovell | So what if Jesus turned water into wine…I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus… |
| March 11 | @jacques_aih | Sean Bean seems to die at the end of a lot of his films. I guess most Bean flicks end with a little death. |
| March 11 | @TheSleepyNinja | Writing up the notes for my day’s work and just had a CRAFT moment. Can’t Remember A Fucking Thing. |
| March 12 | @wobblyvirtue | Noises from upstairs. The Kraken awakes. |
| March 12 | @princesspip | lovely day and i am off to the countryside for the weekend. I love that countryside allows the use of the word cunt (in my mind anyway). |
| March 12 | @mrschads | Spring is sprung, the grass is ris’, I wonder where them birdies is, some say the bird is on the wing but that… (cont) http://deck.ly/~6C1je |
| March 12 | @JimBobbers | I just got proper told off for doing nothing. Felt about 5 years old. *looks at shoes* |
| March 12 | @The1nbetweener | Never used ‘innit’ before. And never will again. And ting. |
| March 12 | @DannyDoes | #Arsenal #AFC http://twitpic.com/48vgbb |
| March 13 | @mattblak | @MooseAllain Sexually Arousing Person of an Oedipal Persuasion #RPSongs |
| March 13 | @andretorp | When i compress my broken toe betwixt my thumb and forefinger it doth cuntinge fuck |
| March 13 | @justsendTulips | Some people get so uptight about my use of the word fuck. If your one of them, fuck you, you fucking mother fucking fuck face. Fuckers |
| March 13 | @parkyerbike | Pick battles big enough to matter, but small enough to win #justsaying |
| March 13 | @LadyJanieGeek | When I was 7 I looked like the test card girl. Same vacant expression & no mates to play with. Odd clown obsession too |
| March 13 | @The1nbetweener | Desperately clinging on to Sunday like it’s the last branch before the fucking big waterfall. |
| March 14 | @MrMichaelWinner | @The1nbetweener don’t leave me sir you like a nice clean cut young man I should b yor hero |
| March 14 | @MrMichaelWinner | @The1nbetweener good nite mr ib |
| March 14 | @BECKintl | The Five Stages of Twitter: Completely Lost, Hashtag Games, Infatuation, Resentment, Acceptance. via @kenarmstrong1 – me: stage 4 - |
| March 14 | @BECKintl | @iamchads http://t.co/unhAaLs #mondrian HELLOOOO! |
| March 14 | @BECKintl | Okay here I am again, your little green man, announcing a new daily cartoon, written by the lovely @ProfessorSnack. http://t.co/ZoiU25J |
| March 14 | @Bonzai1888 | This is still my favorite of all time…
http://twitpic.com/49i50b |
| March 14 | @BECKintl | My son says these LEGO ALPHABET SPACESHIPS! are cool: http://bit.ly/hefTKq @tr4inspotter’s link via @andertoons |
| March 14 | @GrahamTCousins | http://bit.ly/eMnOhV Soft Cell – Bedsitter |
| March 14 | @blindfumble | The most beautiful mugshots I’ve ever seen.
http://bit.ly/etZmt8 |
| March 14 | @lucyinglis | Do we really need advertisements for sanitary products? Really? ‘Have a happy period’ must be known in the trade as ‘clutching at straws’. |
| March 14 | @martindeeson | At start of this train I downloaded Simon Sebag-Montefiores ‘Jerusalem’ and ‘Angry Birds’. Suffice to say I am now at Level 6 of one of them |
| March 15 | @MrWordsWorth | Ides of March… http://bit.ly/fQvpcS |
| March 15 | @jennylandreth | If you want a 2nd hand wetsuit, and your criteria is ‘must not have been pissed in’, this is for you http://bit.ly/hn2LDc (thanks @TimGoffe) |
| March 15 | @The_Trellis | Any company that has a ‘mission statement’ on a plaque by their front door? The bosses are >utter< wankers. Be nice to the staff |
| March 16 | @TheSleepyNinja | My nick-name at work became, “Swiss-Tony” during our trip to Geneva. It. Has now been shortened to “Swiss”. I quite like it. |
| March 16 | @quantumbagel | @OverworkedLady *slow hand clap* As a come-back, that dates from just after Spangles but before Space Dust. |
| March 16 | @TheDollSays | On a mid-week afternoon, Brixton looks as though the Job Centre has had a fire alert and the entire high street is the assembly point. |
| March 16 | @2bras7cats | I know it’s been said a lot, but Sarah Jessica Parker really is a boiled horse. |
| March 17 | @Paxochka | Birds falling from the sky. Floods. Earthquakes. Tsunami. Facebook.
That’s five signs of the Apocalypse. We’re officially screwed. |
| March 17 | @Deja_Moo | Sorry I missed you, so I left the parcel in the….. http://twitpic.com/4aab2z |
| March 17 | @MooseAllain | The Reverend Spooner was not in fact a clergyman. He was actually just called Speverend Rooner, as he continuously failed to point out. |
| March 17 | @Revmoon | How do I add a signature to Blackberry emails? I want it to say “I own a Blackberry, who wants to touch me?” |
| March 18 | @EmmaK67 | But that to one side, let’s end the evening with the greatest picture ever taken. Ever. Just ever. http://yfrog.com/h7sf1xwj |
| March 18 | @sharonGOONer | Having great breasts doesn’t endear me to everybody. I have my knockers. |
| March 18 | @jacques_aih | I’m concerned about Steps reforming. These things can escalate. |
| March 18 | @BECKintl | Since Friday (Freitag) is also German police’s day off you can easily take @1755Dictionary’s advice: http://is.gd/SGl3kk |
| March 18 | @neillockwood | If you’ve got a really strong fetish it’s called a fet. |
| March 18 | @lucyinglis | @iamchads Deviant. |
| March 18 | @GlennyRodge | Sad looking girl with a camel toe has just walked into the restaurant. Poor thing’s probably in need of some cuntfoot food. |
| March 18 | @TheSleepyNinja | @iamchads I have slipped some haloperidol into your g&t, now just smoke this marlboro I have laced with lorazepam and it will all go away. |
| March 18 | @TheDollSays | Good evening. Is that a new top/hairstyle/nose/sexual preference/walk? It suits you. |
| March 18 | @brainpicker | If you missed it ☞ Words Without Words – lovely visual dictionary of words with abstract, complex or underused meanings http://j.mp/hvikbw |
| March 19 | @sharonGOONer | Pissy Ray is a Spurs fan who lives in a bungalow at the bottom of my garden. Barred from every pub in Harlow. Very entertaining. |
| March 19 | @GlennyRodge | England lost the hefty cuddling? In my expert opinion, I think they cuddled a bit too heftily in previous games. Grand ham next year, maybe. |
| March 19 | @lucyinglis | Stepfather: ‘I miss him. Lovely chap. I’d've bent over backwards to help him. But not forwards, which was possibly more to his taste.’ |
| March 19 | @GlennyRodge | Ooh, it’s the boat race next week. One year, one of the A-Team was in it. I forget which one though. |
| March 20 | @neillockwood | Funny? It made me well up. http://bit.ly/h8QeO8 |
| March 21 | @jennylandreth | Inside my jacket is a label reading ‘Be at one with the garment’. Someone made that up, and other people applauded. |
| March 21 | @jennylandreth | ‘Genius!’ they may have said. ‘You have captured our essence. Now we can sell the garment. Bon chance, garment, bon chance’. |
| March 21 | @TheEllenShow | Happy 5th birthday, @Twitter! You’re only 5 and you have over 4 million friends. When I was 5 my best friend was a hubcap. |
| March 21 | @sharonGOONer | This is my replacement in my old office. By @kellycocktail http://twitpic.com/4bxar0 |
| March 22 | @WadyWiwwow | @iamchads @fulhammatty oh i do like a kerfuffle or too but up here in ecosse we have stramashes a step up from kerfuffle but not a riot! |
| March 22 | @fulhammatty | @WadyWiwwow @iamchads oh I say! You do have some wuff and wugged chaps in Scotchland don’t you? Tarquin gave me a funny look once at Polo :p |
| March 22 | @PaulShakeySharp | Following the staff meeting on Saturday it sounds like I’m the Boss’ new blue eyed boy, so I’m going to milk him like a fucking Jersey cow. |
| March 22 | @CoffeeHooker | Work: You’re a bunch of fucking cocksuckers. How do you manage to give me rage when I’m not even in the office? Well done, you arse bandits. |
| March 22 | @The_Trellis | et pour ce soir je suis cooking sauce bolognese avec les chicken livers- il peut etre une complete et totale fecking disastre |
| March 22 | @The_Trellis | moi- je suis couverte avec le sang- mais le creuset avec les ingredients smells bloody delish |
| March 23 | @neillockwood | The dog’s next door, outside the pub. (pic) http://bit.ly/eiPfFn |
| March 23 | @Knittedgnome | @iamchads @fowget Argh yes I apolomagise (Homer says that, it’s allowed)pls accept my sincerest apple bogies on all counts *punches self* |
| March 23 | @wowser | I sign all handwritten letters: “Sent from my Bic Biro device”. |
| March 23 | @SarahODonovan77 | @iamchads I live in Brum and i can officially say that we only know the words, ‘bab’ ‘babba’ and ‘UB40′. |
| March 23 | @TheSleepyNinja | RT @BECKintl: Hello I’m sitting in a Vienna coffeehouse with a laptop on my knees, just as @OctoberJones once used to say #likeamotherfucker |
| March 23 | @GlennyRodge | Is it gonna be ‘got to iron all the shirt and not just the front bit’ weather tomorrow? |
| March 23 | @MadMedic1 | In other news: Hubbs sneezed & made the dog who was sleeping, jump & fart at the same time… |
| March 25 | @GlennyRodge | Right, it’s tomorrow. I’m off. See you today. |
| March 25 | @GlennyRodge | Sorry, I really shouldn’t make fun of other tweeters. Piss-taking, it’s what I do best. I need help, please RT (see, I’m doing it again) |
| March 25 | @mattwhatsit | I reckon if you called Brian Cox ‘Bri’ enough times his happy-clappy exterior would drop and he’d fuck you a new birthday. #wonders |
| March 25 | @JimBobbers | That Kate bird that William is marrying has lovely firm breasts http://twitpic.com/4d96zx |
| March 26 | @TheDollSays | I’m going to watch the boat race today. Haven’t decided whose yet. #cockney |
| March 25 | @fowget | @iamchads You cheeky cunt. I am Operations Manager supreme, which if I’m honest is just a glorified admin gopher |
